


Worth Living For, Act I

by Cygnonymous, TheLostGirl21



Series: Worth Living For [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, M/M, References to Suicidal Thoughts and Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-27
Updated: 2013-04-09
Packaged: 2017-12-06 16:34:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 141,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/737794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cygnonymous/pseuds/Cygnonymous, https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLostGirl21/pseuds/TheLostGirl21
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the tragic events of Mindoir and Akuze, Marco Shepard has grown so accustomed to the abyss that the idea of falling into it doesn’t scare him anymore. And when someone no longer fears death, the idea of being ‘willing to die for someone’ becomes little more than hollow words. But this time, he may just have found someone worth living for...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILERS: Everything up to and including Mass Effect 3's ending.
> 
> DISCLAIMERS: All the characters in the story belong to Bioware, and whoever else has the rights on Mass Effect. Some quotes will directly be borrowed from the games.
> 
> Anything about Marco Shepard that isn't already part of the default character, including his personality and elements of his back story, was created by Cygnonymous.
> 
> Oh! And so is that gorgeous cover picture that she drew for our story. That's totally Cygnonymous' artwork. One of the perks for collaborating with a writing partner that has all the talents. ; b
> 
> WARNING: Certain chapters may contain more mature situations such as thoughts related to depression and suicidal intent, descriptions of violence, and sex between two loving and consenting adults.

The Commander was crazy - completely, utterly crazy.  He'd trained and fought alongside vanguards before, but _this_ … Could this even be called _fighting_?  
  
It was more like watching a giant freight train striking down everything in its path!  To tell the truth, Kaidan had no idea that biotics could even be _used_ in such a way.  
  
One second, the Commander was standing right next to them, giving his orders and assessing the situation - the next, he was gone!  Vanished!  All he could see was their enemies in the distance flying all over the place as a result of his ridiculously powerful biotic charge, followed by a full blown nova knocking back attackers in a massive arc of biotic energy.  
  
And then, there Marco Shepard was – knee deep in geth and husks, shields depleted, shooting them at close range with his shotgun or delivering a few well placed punches if they ever got too close.  
  
Kaidan had tried to assist him as best he could by raising protective barriers around him to replace his shields, literally pulling a few enemies off his back when things seemed too hot, but there had been _way_ too many close calls for his taste.    
  
Shepard hadn't only been reckless; he had downright tempted fate down there! He had been engaged in some kind of graceful dance of life and death, as if he felt the need to send a challenge to the Grimm Reaper himself to dare try to stop him.  
  
Still, the absolute abandon with which he fought was both terrifying and oddly beautiful - mesmerizing, even.  Kaidan had found himself deeply fascinated by it, despite his distress.  
  
Shepard wasn't manipulating the dark energy.  He simply was the dark energy.  It came from deep within him and was suddenly unleashed upon the world with no thoughts of control or restraint.  The power he wielded felt very raw, pure, and out there.  
  
It seemed oddly… _liberating_.  And Kaidan couldn't help but envy him.  
  
It felt as if everything about his life revolved around the notion of control, and maintaining solid boundaries.  Even his own biotic abilities, which he'd been told were among the strongest the Alliance had ever seen, appeared to reflect that.  
  
He could conjure up and maintain incredibly strong barriers, throw people and objects away from him, pull them back, and maintain them floating inside vast mass effect fields.  He could freeze a target, or even go as far as attacking someone else's whole nervous system.  
  
He either put up strong defenses, or found ways to destroy them.  His specialty lay in getting past the many "walls" that other people put up to protect themselves.  
  
But he always needed to feel that he was maintaining perfect control over what he was doing at all times.  Every move was calculated; every intention, deliberate.  He'd lost control once in the past, and he wasn't yet ready to get back there.  Even if that meant having to pull back a little and rely more on his technical skills than raw biotic powers.  
  
However, considering what he'd seen back on Eden Prime, and what they appeared to be up against now, "pulling back" was simply no longer an option… and, to be frank, he didn't want to hold back. Not anymore.  
  
Perhaps he was getting worried for nothing, and Shepard's anger over seeing what the geth had done to the colonists and the troops that had been stationed there was why he'd been acting so recklessly. At least Kaidan understood that notion – once the initial horror of having to shoot down colonists who had been turned into rabid, almost zombie-like forms had passed, all that was left was anger. Anger at the geth. Anger at that damn turian Spectre. Anger at themselves for being unable to prevent this.  
  
Still… he'd been ready to go straight to Captain Anderson and formally request a transfer to another Alliance ship as soon as they'd gotten back to the Normandy. He'd nearly convinced himself; this was for his own sanity, and without that stability, there was no way he'd survive in the heat of battle.  
  
Even then, his personal safety was in question as well. Watching after Shepard had distracted him, dividing his focus and making him forget about properly maintaining his own barriers.  And without Chief Williams' intervention, one of the geth would have gotten to him.  
  
Kaidan was a soldier through and through, and he fully understood that every time they set foot off of the ship, there was always a chance that some of them might not make it back.  It was a reality that he'd long accepted and was fully willing to risk - and perhaps even give his life if it meant protecting others.  That wasn't the problem.  
  
His problem was with the notion of people on his team getting injured or killed because they were following a near suicidal, out of control, reckless leader into battle.  
  
Granted, Shepard had never actually asked or ordered him to watch his back to the point of getting distracted – he'd undertaken that task of his own accord.  But what else was he supposed to do? Let him take a round to the back because he was too reckless to maintain his shields?  
  
Kaidan fought as a part of a team - he simply didn't know how not to.  That meant doing his best to ensure that everyone stayed safe, and that no one was left taking more fire than they ought to.  
  
Having one person on his squad, even if he was their leader, jumping right into the heat of it and drawing all the fire on himself wasn't something that he knew how to deal with other than to instinctively try to "rescue" him.  Stop that damn train from wrecking itself, because it was clear he had no interest in slamming on the brakes.  
  
So, yeah - he'd almost come to the conclusion that asking for a transfer was the best solution, before he ended up completely disregarding the chain of command and trying to knock some sense into a Commander whose sanity he was already beginning to question.  
  
But then… then Shepard had to go and risk his life to keep **him** safe.  And now, he owed him.  
  
It was more than that.  He'd seen the look in the other man's eyes when Jenkins had fallen before them.  The Commander may be reckless - crazy, even - but he still cared.  For his team, if not for himself. Losing Jenkins like that – a soldier under his command, someone he was supposed to lead and protect at all costs – caused a visible disturbance in the Commander that hadn't been there before. That was when the reckless behavior began, and Kaidan might have been inclined to pull him to a stop and ask if he was okay if they hadn't suddenly been thrown headfirst into a stream of attacking geth drones and rabid husks.  
  
Perhaps Shepard simply didn't fully realize that the risks he was taking could end up affecting his whole squad as well.  Perhaps it was up to Kaidan to make him understand that - tactfully, of course - and preferably when his own emotions had settled down a little, and he could think more clearly.  
  
For now, he'd found himself drawn to the med bay, silently watching over Shepard's unconscious form, waiting for him to awake.  Chakwas had assured him that he would be okay – there was hardly any physical damage beyond some bruising from his impact with the ground after the beacon had exploded.  His vitals were strong and stable; his brain activity didn't suggest any particular damage, besides the presence of atypical beta waves and an REM increase.  Was he dreaming?  And if he did, he had to wonder what about… Hopefully, he wasn't reliving anything from his past.  
  
That was the other reason why Kaidan found himself willing to cut him some slack. At least, for now.  Seeing him looking so young and fragile lying there, it was easy to forget everything that the Commander Shepard had been through. Kaidan had seen his dossier before he'd even set foot on the Normandy – Mindoir born, his entire family slaughtered by batarians when he was only a teenager. An L3 biotic with enough raw power to rival an L2. The lone survivor of the Akuze disaster. N7 graduate. Maybe his fighting style was an indirect result of that.  Having survived so much, perhaps he had a tendency to forget that he was not invincible. Or maybe he just didn't care anymore.  Kaidan could only hope it was the former, because the latter…  
  
 _'Why did you have to pull me out of the way?'_ he wondered, angry with himself for having been so careless.  Dr. Chakwas and Captain Anderson had both told him that there was no telling what the beacon really could have done to him if Shepard hadn't grabbed him and thrown him out of the way - if he could've been killed on the spot when it activated, instead.  Still, Kaidan couldn't shake the belief that it should've been him lying there instead of Shepard.  He'd been the one who had accidentally activated the damn thing, after all.  It was unfair that the Commander was the one paying the price for his mistake.  
  
Life was rarely fair though, was it?  
  
Now all any of them could do was wait for Shepard to wake up, and tell them what he could remember about what happened. Because until then, they were flying blind.  
  
He took a few steps closer to the stretcher, resisting the urge to just try to shake him awake, or take his hand or… just do _something_.  Kaidan hated feeling so powerless.   He hated being forced to wait for things to just _happen_.  And how could such an unstoppable force of nature on the battlefield appear so small and vulnerable while asleep?  When he'd carried him back to the Normandy, he'd been surprisingly light in his arms, too…  
  
Getting a transfer was no longer an option.  Crazy or not, it seemed that Marco Shepard had somehow managed to gain his allegiance, and that wasn't something that he was able to give lightly.  
  
As Shepard began to slightly move, slowly coming to, Kaidan took a few steps backwards. In retrospect, waking up to find his Staff Lieutenant standing right above him, watching him sleep, wouldn't be the least bit creepy.  
  
"Doctor?  Doctor Chakwas? I think he's waking up!" he called out, but still remained close by, wanting to, at the very least, make sure that he would be fine and get the chance to apologize for what happened with the beacon, before getting back to his other duties.  
  
Shepard seemed to jerk back to life after a moment of shifting about, his eyes drifting open to stare directly up at the ceiling – he immediately winced at the sound of Kaidan's voice, however. Everything within his immediate range of vision was blurry and unrecognizable, a congealed mass of blues and grays. There was a dark shape to his right that he assumed was the Staff Lieutenant – he was fairly sure that was who had just spoken - and another shape was approaching from the far side of the room, footsteps clicking on the steel floor.  
  
He shoved his elbows into the cot he was laying on, lifting himself up into a sitting position so he could swing his legs over the side – the sudden movement made him nauseous, however, and he had to stop himself from going any further. He hunched forward, rubbing his face with his hands and pressing his fingertips into his temples with a soft groan. His head felt like someone had driven a spike straight into the back of his neck and up through his skull, and he had a disgusting taste in his mouth. He swallowed heavily, before removing his hands and finally looking up to see Dr. Chakwas standing in front of him.  
  
"You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?"  
  
He rubbed the side of his face, trying not to grimace – her voice was just an octave too high for his headache. "Like the morning after shore leave," he finally muttered, lowering his hand and taking a moment to look around the room. He was suddenly and acutely aware of just how sore his entire body felt, like he'd played chicken with a krogan and lost. "How long was I out?"  
  
A sympathetic look crossed the doctor's face as she looked down at him, and she crossed her arms. "About fifteen hours," she replied, before her eyes seemed to drift over his shoulder, towards the man standing behind him. "Something happened down there with the beacon, I think?"  
  
"A little more than something," Shepard grumbled, hand going to rub the back of his head. He wasn't sure what had knocked him out first – the imagery overload, or the back of his head colliding with the ground at top speed. Regardless, he immediately regretted touching his fingertips to the base of his skull and drew them away with a sharp hiss of pain. He probably had a ridiculous bruise showing right through the thin sheen of buzzed hair.  
  
Chakwas immediately reached forward and pulled his hand away from the bruise on the back of his head, clicking her tongue disapprovingly at him. "You'd be better off not touching that one, Commander. You hit your head pretty hard – you're lucky you didn't end up with a concussion, or worse, a broken implant," she said, releasing his hand and stooping down to look directly into his eyes, hand tilting his chin upwards. "Hmm. No pupil dilation. I think it's safe to say you don't have to worry about anything worse than a bad headache for the next few hours."  
  
"It's my fault. I must've triggered some kind of security field when I approached it," came the voice from behind him again, and he had to turn his head to glance back over his shoulder. The movement made his head reel a bit and he blinked a few times to keep from getting dizzy. At this angle he could just barely see Kaidan standing a few paces to his rear, arms crossed and expression too difficult to read. "You had to push me out of the way."  
  
Shepard sighed, closing his eyes for a moment and trying to gauge his response. A small part of him was annoyed with Kaidan for getting too close to the beacon and nearly getting the both of them killed, but the rest of him didn't care at this point. It was done and over with and they were both still alive. Reprimanding the lieutenant wasn't going to accomplish anything, especially when he couldn't truthfully say he wouldn't have done the same thing in his situation.  
  
"You had no way to know what would happen," he finally said, choosing his words carefully, opening his eyes and finally getting a decent look at his lieutenant without his vision obscured by post-head-trauma blurriness. He saw what could have been a relieved look flit across the man's expression, but it was gone as fast as it came.  
  
"Actually, we don't even know if that's what set it off," Dr. Chakwas suddenly said, drawing Shepard's attention away from Kaidan and back towards her again. She reached up to brush a lock of silver-streaked hair behind her ear, looking to the side with a somewhat uncomfortable expression. "Unfortunately we'll never get the chance to find out."  
  
"What?" A genuinely confused look crossed Shepard's face, and he sat up straight when he realized she was looking over his shoulder again, as though expecting Kaidan to elaborate. He turned back to see the staff lieutenant had finally moved, walking around to stand next to Chakwas.  
  
"The beacon exploded. A system overload, maybe," he explained, and seemed to falter when an alarmed look crossed Shepard's face. He didn't even remember the thing exploding. In retrospect an explosion was about the only thing with enough force to hurl him into the ground that hard, but that was the last thing on his mind. He didn't say anything, however, allowing him to continue. "The blast knocked you cold. Williams and I had to carry you back here to the ship."  
  
Well, he did the actual carrying and Williams brought back his helmet and weapons, but that wasn't something that Kaidan felt the Commander really needed to know…  
  
"I…" Shepard struggled for words for a moment – he wasn't sure what to say at this point. The colony had been razed, Nihlus and Jenkins were dead, and now the one thing they'd gone there to retrieve was destroyed. He felt like he was beating his head against a wall just trying to wrap his mind around how exactly this was going to look in a report, so he chose to focus on something else. "I appreciate it."  
  
Kaidan only nodded in response, though Shepard got the distinct feeling he wanted to say more. Chakwas stopped him, however.  
  
"Aside from some bruising, physically you're fine. But I detected some… unusual brain activity. Abnormal beta waves. I also noticed an increase in your rapid eye movement," she explained, pausing to give Shepard a look that was all too knowing. "Signs typically associated with intense dreaming."  
  
Shepard had to cast his eyes downwards, staring at a spot on the floor between their feet – now that they were staring directly at him, waiting for a magical answer that would explain everything that had happened, he found eye contact a bit too difficult to maintain. He sat in silence for a long moment, trying to recall what exactly he had seen – the beacon had grabbed hold of him and lifted him straight into the air like he was nothing more than a piece of paper, and any thought of trying to struggle free was gone when the images hit him.  
  
He couldn't think of a way to put it into words. It was like some kind of twisted, broken film reel burning its images directly into his brain – he remembered the screaming, so much screaming, to the point that he couldn't hear anything but. Blood running everywhere, images stained dark red. Mutilation and death. Just trying to remember summoned the images in his mind again and he had to lean forward, hands going to cover his face as he tried to bring his thoughts back under control again. He could still hear the screaming echoing in his ears. Something about the images was conjuring up this debilitating feeling of despair deep in the pit of his stomach, and it was all he could do not to get sick.  
  
"I saw…" he began, realizing his voice was shaking and taking a deep breath to steady himself once again, lowering his hands and forcing on a straight face. "I'm not sure what I saw. Death… destruction… Nothing's really clear."  
  
Great, now they were both looking at him like he was brain damaged. Maybe he was.  
  
"Hmm," Chakwas hummed, looking him over thoughtfully. "I better add this to my report. It may—Oh! Captain Anderson," her eyes snapped upwards, looking past Shepard as the door on the opposite end of the med bay swished open. Shepard immediately slid into a standing position, straightening his posture as the Captain walked into the room, surveying the three people standing there with his hands clasped behind his back. He turned to Chakwas first.  
  
"How's our XO holding up, Doctor?"  
  
"All the readings look normal," she replied, shooting a slight smile in Shepard's direction. "I'd say the Commander's going to be fine."  
  
Anderson nodded in approval. "Glad to hear it," he said, before turning his attention towards Shepard. "Shepard, I need to speak with you," he said, before his gaze fell on Kaidan and Chakwas, "In private."  
  
Kaidan took the hint immediately, giving the Captain a stiff salute. "Aye aye, Captain. I'll be in the mess if you need me."  
  
He and Chakwas immediately exited the room without a second thought, the door swishing closed behind them, leaving Shepard and Anderson alone in the med bay.  
  
 _'At least that went well...'_ Kaidan thought, feeling relieved that the Commander had almost fully recovered, a few bruises and strained muscles aside, and grateful that he didn't appear to hold him responsible for the whole mess with the beacon.  Perhaps he'd sensed that Kaidan was already beating himself over it enough as it was, and had the kindness not to add more to his guilt.  
  
He sat down at one of the tables and rested his head in his hands, closing his eyes and slowly massaging his temples in an effort to make the slowly building headache go away.  Sometimes, it helped…  At other times, there wasn't much he could do.  
  
"I could probably give you something a bit stronger for that, let you sleep it off," Dr. Chakwas offered helpfully, sitting across the table from him. "When's the last time you took any analgesic?"  
  
"Not since a few hours before the mission," he answered, "though I'm not sure that I really feel like getting drugged up right now.  I…  uh…  it'll probably pass if I just wait a bit."  
  
The doctor didn't seem all that convinced, however.  Sometimes, he swore that she reminded him of his mother.  "You've been standing watch in the med bay for the better part of the last fifteen hours.  You should get some rest."  
  
"Yeah well, so have you," he shot back, trying to deflect the attention from the subject.  He really wasn't in the mood to listen to reason right now.  
  
"I'm the ship's doctor, Alenko.  It's my job to watch over my patients," she answered, clearly wondering why she even had to argue with him.  "Besides, _I_ wasn't the one that came back from a long, perilous mission carrying a full grown man in my arms.  You're just being stubborn."  
  
Kaidan let out a tired chuckle.  "Yeah…" he admitted, though he chose not to add that he had way too much on his mind right now to consider being able to get any actual rest.  Thankfully, Karin seemed to pick up right on that.  
  
"How are you holding up?" she asked, her tone a bit softer.  She knew that Jenkins and Kaidan had been close.  His good natured, enthusiastic personality had eventually managed to win the Lieutenant over. He had a way of making him act a lot more relaxed in his presence.  
  
She remembered the time when Jenkins had convinced him to "push him over" using his biotics, and Chakwas had been amazed to watch Kaidan comply - especially given his past history.  
  
Lieutenant Alenko wasn't someone that enjoyed showing off, but he'd done it simply to make the other man happy.  At first, she'd worried that he'd underestimated the strength of his throw and that Jenkins had gotten hurt; but no, he'd been perfectly fine.  Then again, Kaidan had a pretty good grasp of his abilities.  He'd probably made it to look impressive, while actually absorbing much of Jenkins' fall.  
  
Losing Jenkins was obviously hard on everyone, including herself.  She did, after all, care for all these soldiers as if they were her very own children.  But considering how remote Kaidan tended to be, the loss of such a good friend was probably even worse for him.  
  
"As well as can be expected," Kaidan answered truthfully.  "I don't think it has really hit yet, and I'm not looking forward to when it does."    
  
Worrying for the Commander's safety, and sanity, had actually been a welcomed distraction, all things considered.  It had prevented him from thinking too much about everything else that had just happened.  Let the horror and tragedy of it sink in when the time came.  
  
"I think it's good that we have another biotic around now," Dr. Chakwas said. It was obvious that she was hoping that it would encourage Kaidan to open up to the rest of the crew a bit more.  Perhaps make new friends, especially if he knew there was someone around just like him. He might not be as inclined to section himself off as much.  
  
"About that…  Do you have any idea where the Commander got his training?" he wondered, frowning a bit.  He wasn't ready to share his concerns about Shepard with other members of the crew yet, but he was curious to find out as much as he could about him.  
  
Chakwas shrugged in response. "My understanding is that his abilities manifested pretty late in his teens, after the slaver attack on Mindoir.  Some have even wondered if the trauma of those events is what ended up triggering them."  
  
 _'Hopefully, they won't start sending batarian slavers after remote human colonies out there to test that theory,'_ Kaidan briefly thought, remembering the increase in cases of "accidental" in utero eezo exposures once it had been identified as a trigger for the emergence of human biotics.  Of course, Shepard would have needed to develop eezo nodules in his body prior to the slaver attack at some point, possibly by secondary exposure.  But the idea that there could be more "dormant" biotic potentials out there only needing a good shock to their nervous system to activate their abilities would make companies like the late Conatix Industries salivate.  
  
"But I don't believe that he's ever had any formal training to speak of," Dr. Chakwas went on to explain, "He was outfitted with an L3 implant shortly before enlisting in the Alliance, and by the time he became a soldier, had proven already quite efficient at using his biotics in specific combat situations." She frowned, noticing the pensive look on Kaidan's features. "Why?  Is there something I should know?"  
  
The Lieutenant shook his head slowly, trying to avoid provoking another flare up by moving too fast. "No…  I just thought that his display of biotic powers out there was rather…  uh…  impressive."  Well, at least that wasn't a complete lie.  Though perhaps he should have added _"just keep the med bay ready and well stocked for more of his post-mission visits"_ in order to give her a bit of a heads up.  Maybe it would also be a good idea to start carrying a few extra packs of medi-gel, too.  Considering that he had the most field medical training out of all of the marines on the ship, he'd have to remember that.  
  
"Well, I guess that's my cue," Dr. Chakwas said, watching as Captain Anderson and the Commander stepped out of the med bay following their discussion. She rose from her seat, but paused long enough to turn back to Kaidan. "Just tell me you'll try to, at the very least, get some rest before we reach our next destination," she added, her previous concern returning.  
  
Kaidan nodded. "I will…  I just want to see if there's anything that the Commander needs me to do first."  
  
Satisfied with his answer, she made her way back to the med bay with a nod towards the two officers exiting the room, while Kaidan stood up and went to stand by the corridor, waiting to see if Shepard would feel the need to come talk to him.  
  
Shepard paused at the doorway to the med bay, watching as the Captain crossed the crew deck and disappeared into his quarters. He released a heavy sigh after a moment, reaching up with a hand to massage his forehead. The med bay had been dark and fairly quiet, but now that he was out in the main part of the ship, he was suddenly aware of how bright the lights were and how loud the ship was. He briefly entertained the idea of slipping back into the med bay for a few hours, at least until his headache had gone away, but knew he couldn't afford the luxury.  
  
He had too much on his mind right now. Speaking with Anderson had only confirmed his worries – the situation was about as bad as it could get, and most of that was resting on his shoulders. He knew he would need to take responsibility for the mistakes that were made, but he wasn't looking forward to the debriefing at the Citadel. He could only hope that the Council would listen to them and do something about that turian Spectre, Saren. Then the mission might not have been a complete and utter failure.  
  
He was having a hard time wrapping his head around just how disastrous the mission had been. He'd led squads before – hell, his final test during N7 training had been to lead a small squad into batarian territory and rescue a downed civilian transport – so he'd assumed this would be an easy task in comparison. Alenko and Jenkins were trained soldiers who already knew how to take care of themselves, and that was more than what he'd been forced to work with before. And yet here he was, with one crewmember dead and a failed mission on his hands. His N7 program instructors would be shaking their heads at him right about now.  
  
He immediately regretted not actually pausing to get to know the men he'd be working with before they embarked on their first mission together. Personally, he favored speaking with his teammates before heading into battle with them – to get a feel for what kind of people they were, how they viewed themselves and how they fit into the missions to come. The more understanding he had of the people he was supposed to lead, the better he felt he could instruct them and prioritize their movements on the battlefield.  
  
In this case he'd only spoken to Jenkins maybe twice. The first time had been a quick greeting and handshake while waiting for the Normandy to leave the port at Arcturus Station for the first time. The second had been right before the mission. Jenkins had been enthusiastic, gung-ho, and foolhardy. He'd found it amusing to some extent, but had made it a point to warn him to be careful and avoid that enthusiastic stupidity on the battlefield. He'd seen better marines with that "itching for action" mentality go down in a firefight without a sound.  
  
Maybe that should have been a red flag. But, no, he couldn't blame Jenkins' death on his attitude. Jenkins had died following Shepard's orders – he'd been the one to tell him to move forward when they hadn't been entirely sure what to expect up ahead. If the blame rested on anyone's shoulders, it was Shepard's. That thought did absolutely nothing to comfort him.  
  
He looked up from where he'd paused at the med bay doors, eyes sweeping the crew deck. He realized that Kaidan was still standing in the mess hall, leaning against the partition and somewhat deliberately looking anywhere but at Shepard. He knew Kaidan had other duties to attend to beyond standing around in the mess, so he could only assume he was waiting around to speak to someone. Captain Anderson had already gone to his quarters and Dr. Chakwas had reentered the med bay the moment they had stepped out, so he could only assume he was waiting for him.  
  
Breathing out a soft sigh and pausing a moment longer to rub his forehead, he lowered his hand and stepped away from the med bay doors, approaching Kaidan. The lieutenant seemed to straighten up almost immediately when he realized Shepard was walking towards him.  
  
"Waiting for someone, Lieutenant?"  
  
"I just wanted to make sure you were really okay, Commander.  Losing Jenkins was hard on the crew.  And I'm glad we didn't lose you, too," he said sincerely, doing his best to keep an open attitude and not let his weariness show.  Shepard appeared to be just as beat as he was, though.  Apparently, being out of it for a bit over half a day wasn't as refreshing as one might be lead to believe.  Or maybe he'd received some more bad news from Captain Anderson…  
  
A hint of a smile quirked at the corners of Shepard's lips, his weary expression dropping for a moment – he obviously didn't want to worry Kaidan with whatever Anderson had just spoken to him about. After all, he'd done enough worrying for the both of them if his demeanor meant anything.  
  
"I'll survive. But I appreciate your concern," he replied, crossing his arms and trying not to let on that he was surprised his lieutenant had actually stuck around just to make sure he was okay. He had to wonder just how long he'd been standing watch in the med bay. He assumed it had been out of duty or a need to accept responsibility for Shepard's injuries, but he couldn't help but feel at least a little bit grateful. He'd only been on one mission with the lieutenant and he was already showing more loyalty than men he'd spent entire tours with. "Things were pretty rough down there. Are _you_ okay?"  
  
"Yeah, you never get used to seeing dead civilians.  Doesn't seem right, somehow.  But at least you stopped Saren from wiping out the whole colony," he began, only to realize that Shepard still appeared to be looking at him expectantly.  It suddenly occurred to him that the Commander had asked the question on a more personal level, and wasn't looking for a technical assessment of the situation.  "I…  uh…  I'll be fine, sir," he added, shifting a bit.  "And next time we find ourselves in front of some kind of giant alien device, I promise to keep my distance unless instructed otherwise.  I won't let you down again," he vowed.  As far as first impressions with a superior officer went, he'd certainly done better.  
  
Shepard shook his head, chuckling under his breath. "Here's hoping we don't have to deal with any more giant alien devices," he added, reaching up to rub the back of his neck – he was still sore from the impact with the ground, but the pain appeared to be fading for the most part. "All things considered, you were pretty impressive down there, Lieutenant. I know fighting under a new Commander requires a period of adjustment. Especially when his techniques are a bit… unorthodox." He paused for a moment, crossing his arms again and shifting his weight from one foot to the other. "Either way. I couldn't have done it without you."  
  
Seeing Shepard chuckle made him relax a bit.  "We're marines.  We stick together," he replied, trying to make it clear that to him, teamwork and watching each other's back was what being a soldier was all about. "I guess you could say that I've had experience with pretty… uh… unorthodox situations before…" he trailed off, not exactly wanting to elaborate on that thought for now.  "Though I'd really consider it a personal favor if you could try minding your shields a bit more, sir."    
  
He hoped that he wasn't being too out of line, but he felt like he just had to say something.  "Look, I…  I feel honored to be given the opportunity to serve under your command, but after just losing a friend and nearly getting you killed myself…  I just want to make sure that we're not taking any unnecessary risks."   _Damnit Alenko, you're actually making it sound worse!_ "I trust you, sir.  I'm just sorry we lost Jenkins."  
  
Shepard's eyebrows shot upwards in surprise, clearly taken aback by the boldness of Kaidan's response. "I don't consider any risk unnecessary if people's lives are on the line. That comes with the territory of being a soldier. You've seen how I fight, Alenko. I don't hold back, because I can't expect the enemy to do so. Being a vanguard-class biotic is risky business. I wouldn't have done the training if I didn't expect it to be dangerous," he replied, unable to keep from frowning. This wasn't new to him – he'd had subordinates in the past who were overly concerned with how dangerous his fighting style was. Though he had to admire that Kaidan was one of the few willing to tell him to his face. He could sense that he regretted saying it aloud, however, and immediately changed the subject to clear the awkward discomfort that had suddenly settled between the two. "I didn't realize you and Jenkins were that close. I'm sorry that I wasn't able to save him…"  
  
As Shepard spoke, Kaidan actually found himself having to bite the inside of his mouth to keep quiet.  Of course, the Commander's reaction was to be expected…  And he also knew that the man would never have completed the N7 program if his instructors had believed him to be a public menace.  However, he couldn't shake the feeling deep in his gut that something here wasn't right.  There was a fine line between taking risks, and ignoring the risks; between not holding back, and not caring.  
  
Speaking his mind had gotten him into trouble more than once though, and he was lucky if he hadn't managed to antagonize a superior officer… again.  Some part of him felt like the appropriate response in this situation would be to apologize; yet another part of him still held the belief that he shouldn't have to apologize for speaking the truth.  Maybe he was worrying for nothing.   _Maybe._   He actually hoped that he was.  However, he still considered it his duty to make sure that everyone stayed safe.  Sentinels were trained to assess the risks and find ways to minimize them.  Be it by weakening the enemy's defenses, or strengthening their own.  
  
So while he found himself unable to apologize, he had the sense to, at the very least, try to appear respectfully contrite and keep quiet.  That was probably the best he could offer under the circumstances.  After all, Shepard had given him a compliment, and he'd answered by raising doubts regarding his methods.  Things could've gone a lot worse…  After everything that had happened, the Commander didn't deserve this kind of behavior from him.  
  
"I was there, you did everything right.  It was just bad luck," he replied sincerely.  At least that much was true.  When it came to giving orders to his squad and organizing the offensive, or pulling them back on the defensive, there wasn't much that Kaidan could reproach him about.  As far as he was concerned, whatever had gone wrong down there couldn't be blamed on the Commander, and he'd make sure that his own report would fully reflect that.  
  
"It's been a hell of a shakedown cruise," he reflected, realizing that everyone had been kind of thrown right in the heat of it without being given the chance to get acquainted.  Especially Shepard, since Kaidan was lucky enough to have served with some members of the crew before.  "Our first mission ends with one Spectre killing another.  The Citadel Council is not going to be happy about that; probably use it to lever more concessions out of the Alliance."  
  
An impressed look crossed Shepard's face. "You've got a good grasp of the situation," he responded. It was rare to find anyone in the lower ranks that cared in the slightest how the system worked. Most of the men he'd served with weren't exactly _"soldiers for life"_ material. Granted, Kaidan was a Staff Lieutenant, so he had to have some sort of ambition and interest to make it that far. "You a career man?"  
  
"Yeah, a lot of biotics are. People like you and me – we're unrestricted, but we sure don't go undocumented, you know?" Kaidan said, receiving a nod of agreement from Shepard – he knew _that_ all too well. "May as well get a paycheck for it."  
  
Shepard gave a short laugh, shaking his head slightly. "At this point that's about all we can do. I'm starting to think that the Alliance is the only place that even _wants_ our kind," he said, expression faltering for a second before he quickly changed the subject. "But that can't be the only reason why you joined, right?"  
  
For a second there, Kaidan looked troubled.  He didn't know how much the Commander really knew about his past, and if he'd had the time to read his file, or…  Even there, he knew that some of the facts about him had been understandably classified by the Alliance in order to avoid any form of reprisal.  Either way, there were some things that he wasn't quite ready to discuss.  At least, not yet.    
  
For all the rumors he'd heard about Commander Shepard being some kind of hard ass, the man was surprisingly open and easy to talk to.  He also seemed genuinely interested in his thoughts and opinions.  Kaidan had never been the kind of person to put much faith into rumors anyway.  He preferred to rely on his own observations.  And so far, he'd seen Shepard treat his subordinates with nothing but consideration and respect.  To him, that spoke much louder about the kind of man he was than whatever scuttlebutt had to say about it.  
  
"Just hoping to make a difference, I guess…" he replied noncommittally, looking away and rubbing the back of his neck.  "Besides, my father served.  Made him proud when I enlisted…" he trailed off a bit, trying to chase back painful memories.  "Eventually."  
  
"So, any other particular reason why you're here, besides the career opportunity?" he asked, a bit too eager to deviate the attention from himself…  before immediately realizing that the Commander may not want to be put on the spot, either.  The least he could do was try to offer him a way out. "I mean…  I don't believe that biotically flipping burgers on some Citadel restaurant would carry as much excitement. And last I heard, the asari weren't exactly hiring…" The possibilities for biotics to put their skills to good use professionally were indeed rather narrow.  And even when they chose to have a job that had nothing to do with their abilities, they were often met with distrust.  Sadly, not all of it was entirely unfounded.  
  
Shepard looked away for a moment, seemingly looking at something on the wall to their left and trying to think of a proper response. "I think it was mostly the incentives," he finally said with a slight shrug, smiling a bit. "It's not like I had anywhere else to go at that point." He faltered, before clearing his throat as a means of forcing a subject change once again. "Either way, I'm happy where I'm at. I'm a bit like you; I enjoy making a difference."  
  
"Right," Kaidan said, feeling like they'd reached a bit of a dead end in the conversation.  It seemed like at some point in time, they'd both ended up lost and had eventually found their way to the Alliance, somehow… but neither felt the need to elaborate on that.  And that was okay.  At least, as far as Kaidan was concerned, he didn't mind having to take his time to get to know someone.  Especially when that person seemed to be worth the effort.  
  
"Word is we're heading for the Citadel, sir," he stated, bringing in another topic.  "Can you uh… tell me why?"  
  
Shepard sighed softly, rubbing the side of his neck. There was no point in keeping it a secret. Besides, he was going to have to bring the Lieutenant with him for the hearing so they could get everyone's side of the story that was involved. "The Captain hopes the Ambassador can get an audience with the Council. Tell them what Saren's been up to," he explained, trying to keep the disdain out of his voice. He hated politicians and everything that had to do with them, but Kaidan didn't need to know that. "Right now our priority is to bring down Saren before he causes more trouble. So long as we can do that, then maybe this mission wasn't a complete disaster."  
  
"The Council would probably like to know he's not working for them anymore," Kaidan agreed, though he didn't quite share Shepard's feelings on that last part.  "As far as the mission being a disaster, I'd say we're still a step ahead of where we were a few hours ago, sir.  I don't think that any of us could've been able to anticipate how everything went down back there, including Nihlus, and he is…  was," he corrected himself,  "a Spectre." He found himself feeling the need to make sure that the Commander wouldn't be taking all of this on himself, for some reason.  "Whatever happens, we'll be ready, Commander."  
  
Shepard nodded in response. "We'll be at the Citadel in a few minutes, so I suggest getting prepared for the debriefing," he said, before going to step out of the cafeteria area where they'd paused to speak. He stopped, however, turning back to address the lieutenant. "I enjoyed speaking with you, Lieutenant," he said, a slight smile working its way across his lips.  
  
He didn't wait for a response, however, immediately turning away and walking down the corridor, disappearing up the staircase that would take him to the bridge and leaving Kaidan to stand in the mess, thinking over everything that had just been said.


	2. Chapter 2

Shepard could barely wrap his head around everything that had just happened. It had only been a few hours ago that he'd stepped off of the Normandy, setting foot on the Citadel for the first time in his life.   
  
It was, for the lack of a better word, an amazing place. A melting pot of diversity, the very epicenter of galactic society. Everything was so pristine and beautiful, like it had been lifted straight from the pages of a novel.  
  
If it weren't for the fact that simply being there was like standing knee-deep in political bullshit and red tape, he might have been inclined to want to stay a while longer. But as it stood, the place was a teeming hive of politicians and authority figures that were so wrapped up in their own agendas that he could barely take a step without smacking into someone with a "problem."  
  
And those "problems" more of than not ended with Shepard and his crewmates have to run from one end of the Citadel to another to find the "solution."   
  
The meeting with Ambassador Udina had been less than pleasant. Shepard didn't even have to wait for the balding politician to speak to him; he could already tell that he wasn't going to like him. He proved him right quite handily – the man was overly ambitious, loud, and was far too quick to bring accusations of failure down on his and his team's shoulders. He'd felt a small bit of pride when Captain Anderson had intervened on his behalf, but it hardly did anything to dissuade Udina.  
  
Kaidan had appeared pretty unfazed by his accusations, however, remaining perfectly calm and unapologetic, yet polite.  He'd actually seemed much more interested in the beautiful view they had from Udina's office than whatever the Ambassador had to say about their would-be failures.  The Lieutenant appeared to have a pretty good grasp of how intergalactic politics worked in general, and obviously chose to let much of it slide.  Especially when it seemed clear that said politicians were only worried about their own reputation, or trying to secure their position of power through intimidation.  He had to wonder how much huffing and puffing from political figures Kaidan had been exposed to in the past.  
  
The hearing with the Council was even worse. Without any solid evidence beyond Shepard's vision – Saren had condescendingly called it a "dream" – they had dismissed the charges without a second thought. They were left to stew in their own failure and frustration, before deciding the only option would be to blindly pursue leads around the Citadel in hopes of grasping something that might condemn Saren.  
  
That grasping had led them to Garrus Vakarian, a turian employed by Citadel Security who had unsuccessfully attempted to find evidence against Saren to assist in their hearing. He had been shut out at every turn and had fought until the moment the hearing started to find _anything_ that might help expose Saren, but ultimately had been denied access and cast aside.  
  
Despite the hearing's outcome, he had continued his searching, leading Shepard to find him in a med clinic in the Wards attempting to control a hostage situation – the hostage being the clinic's physician, Dr. Michel. After teaming up with the turian and taking down the men threatening the doctor, they discovered that she had treated a wounded quarian who had claimed to have evidence that could condemn Saren. The men who had attacked her had been agents for a criminal running the local nightclub Chora's Den – the connection was made when Garrus revealed that the man, Fist, had betrayed his former employer, an enigmatic information dealer simply known as the Shadow Broker, to work for Saren. They could only assume that he wanted to keep the quarian from delivering her evidence.  
  
Upon his insistence of being included in their plans to get the evidence and take down Saren – as he had failed to do so on his own – Garrus joined their team and pointed them in the direction of Urdnot Wrex, a volatile krogan mercenary who had been hired by the Shadow Broker to assassinate Fist for betraying him. Not wanting to turn down any form of help, no matter what species or what nature, Shepard found Wrex at C-Sec headquarters and enticed him to join their squad with the promise of helping him take down Fist. He agreed.  
  
The ensuing race against time had them fighting their way through a nightclub heavily defended by mercenary thugs and cornering Fist only to find out that he'd already tricked the quarian into meeting with some of his men. Wrex promptly took care of Fist, and they were forced to make a mad dash for the back alley in the Wards where Fist had revealed his men planned to murder the quarian.  
  
They arrived in the nick of time, bursting into the area guns blazing to take down the assassins before they could even scratch the quarian. She revealed herself as Tali'Zorah nar Rayya, a young woman who had been on her rite of passage, known amongst her people as the Pilgrimage, when she had uncovered evidence of Saren's betrayal. She had narrowly escaped death when Saren had discovered what she knew, and she had hoped to trade the evidence to the Shadow Broker in exchange for a place to hide from Saren's wrath. She had been tricked by Fist, however, and chose to turn over the evidence to Shepard as thanks for saving her life.  
  
Shepard had returned to the human embassy with his new companions in tow – something that clearly almost gave Udina a heart attack, as he'd stepped into his office with a turian, krogan, and quarian following him. Their actions hadn't gone unnoticed, unfortunately, so it took some smoothing of ruffled feathers before Shepard could get Udina to calm down long enough to realize that he had exactly what they needed.  
  
The evidence had turned out to be an audio recording Tali had managed to salvage from the memory cache of a downed geth. Upon questioning how she knew what to do with the data, Tali revealed that her people had been the ones to create the geth. They had begun as simple labor units, but had eventually developed sentience, rebelled against the quarians, and then disappeared beyond the Perseus Veil to live in solitude. Now they were in the public eye again, working for Saren.  
  
The recording had captured a conversation between Saren and an unknown female, speaking about the "victory" on Eden Prime. Even more troubling – the voices made mention of some unknown item referred to as the "Conduit," which was supposedly the key for bringing about the return of something the woman had simply referred to as the "Reapers." Tali went on to explain that the data cache she had extracted from the geth had revealed the so-called Reapers to be some form of sentient machines that the geth revered as gods.  
  
Upon taking the evidence to the Council, they were finally granted what they had come for in the first place. Saren was stripped of his Spectre status and declared a fugitive. It was also revealed that the woman on the recording was an asari Matriarch by the name of Benezia – a trouble realization, as asari Matriarchs were some of the most powerful beings in the galaxy. The Council seemed content with stopping there, however, and Shepard had been forced to step forward and intervene.  
  
He knew that it wouldn't stop there. Simply stripping Saren's Spectre title would only cut off one of his supply lines. But the turian wouldn't simply roll over and stop because he would have to work in secrecy – he already was a solitary figure, working on his own and out of public sight at all times. Nothing would change, and now that they knew that this was a lot bigger than just a turian who hated humans, he couldn't _not_ do something. He had failed to apprehend him on Eden Prime. He had destroyed the beacon – the only thing that might have told them exactly what Saren was after. This was his responsibility.  
  
The Council had made him a Spectre.  
  
The first human Spectre.  
  
If he'd had a chance to be overwhelmed by notion, he would have. But as it stood, they were on the clock, and every second they spent in inaction was a second Saren was using to commit more atrocities. Everything after the hearing was such a blur; he'd been shocked to find out Captain Anderson was being forcibly retired, before finding out that the Normandy was being thrust into his hands, along with its crew and the responsibilities that entailed. He was given a checklist of places to go in hopes of finding a trace of the turian he was tasked with chasing down, before being ushered back onto a ship that he was suddenly and acutely aware was _his_ ship. Not Captain Anderson's. _His_.  
  
He'd stood at the helm with Joker, watching as he backed the ship out of the docking bay, out into the open air between the Citadel's arms, past the patrolling ships. He'd turned on the intercom, said some words he couldn't really remember. He didn't like speeches but considering what they were about to get themselves into, it wouldn't hurt to be as completely and utterly truthful with his crew as he could. These people were going to be looking directly to him for guidance now. They couldn't go above him, look to Anderson as their mentor – he was all they had. He wasn't sure what to make of that thought. It hadn't completely sunk in yet.  
  
"Set a course for Therum," he told Joker, resting a hand on the back of the pilot chair as he watched the way the light parted around the windshield as the ship picked up speed, heading towards the mass relay near the Citadel.  
  
"Aye aye, Commander."  
  
Shepard paused for a moment longer, before turning and walking away.  He'd barely made it out of the cockpit when he nearly bumped into Kaidan, datapad in his hands.  
  
"Commander," he greeted him respectfully, though unable to quite contain the excitement in his voice, "I didn't get the chance to properly congratulate you on your Spectre nomination back there and…  Well, I just wanted to let you know that the crew and I are very proud to be a part of your team," he said, thinking that everything that had happened over the last few hours must've been pretty overwhelming for the Commander.  Not to mention that he'd caught Shepard's slight uncomfortable look when Anderson had chosen to step aside in order to offer him the full command of his ship.  
  
Chosen to, or more accurately been _"strongly encouraged to."_   It was the right call, of course.  If they were to hunt down a rogue Spectre on behalf of the galactic Council, Shepard would need to have access to the very best resources that the Alliance could spare, since apparently the Council wasn't quite ready to pitch in.  It bothered him a bit, but he was more concerned about how Shepard was doing right now, and letting him know that the crew understood and respected the Alliance's decision.  
  
Thankfully, the Normandy was their top ship, and they'd already made sure that they had some of the very best crewmembers that the Alliance could provide on board - starting with their pilot, Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, more commonly referred to by his crew as "Joker."  He could be perceived as quite insufferable and pretty arrogant sometimes, sure, but the fact that he was actually as good as he claimed to be actually kind of made up for it.  
  
Kaidan remembered having felt a bit overwhelmed and very humbled when he'd learned that Captain Anderson, one of their most decorated war heroes, had personally handpicked him to be Commander Shepard's Staff Lieutenant.  And now, with the ship being considered Council property first and foremost, and his Spectre authority allowing him to ignore a few rules in order to fulfill their mission, Shepard had been allowed to bring in a few very promising non-human recruits.  Including a krogan!  
  
Chief Williams and Navigator Pressly appeared to be a bit wary of the aliens on board, but personally, he was thrilled.  There was so much that they could learn from these other races and cultures.  Quarians were renowned for their technical skills, and it seemed that Tali was living up to that reputation.  Many turians spent a good portion of their lives studying the art of war, and were amazing tacticians – and Garrus was obviously no exception.  As for Wrex…  The krogan were some of the fiercest and strongest warriors in the galaxy.  A lot less subtle in their approach than the turians, sure, but extremely efficient nevertheless.  They were, after all, the ones responsible for saving the galaxy from the rachni invasion centuries ago.  
  
He didn't know exactly how to feel about the thought of having to head into battle flanked by two powerful vanguards, though.  He could only hope that Chakwas had taken the opportunity to stock up on more analgesics during their stop at the Citadel to deal with his likely to be very soon increasing headaches, and that Wrex was a bit more inclined to watch his own back - not just focus on utterly destroying his targets.  
  
"But how are you doing?  I imagine that being the very first human Spectre must be pretty hard for you to wrap your head around right now. Especially considering everything that the position represents…  I mean, besides the Council itself, I don't believe that any other role in the galaxy carries as much power and responsibility.  That's…  pretty amazing, really."   _Yes, and I'm sure that the Commander really needed to be reminded of that..._   That really made him sound like some awestruck schoolboy.  
  
Shepard shook his head and gave a tired chuckle, before motioning Kaidan to follow him as he proceeded to walk through the flight deck, heading towards the command center. "I'm fine. A little overwhelmed. I don't think it's fully sunk in how big this is," he admitted, pausing to check one of the monitors lining the walkway that led down the middle of the flight deck. He flicked his fingertip across the screen, causing the screen to scroll aside. "I think once the shock has passed, I can enjoy it a bit more. I've always admired the Spectres – they always do what's right, and they don't have to worry about fighting their way through red tape to catch the bad guys. It's… liberating."  
  
Seemingly satisfied with what he'd been looking at, he turned away from the monitor to face Kaidan again. "This is a one-of-a-kind ship with an amazing crew. And despite the circumstances of Captain Anderson's departure… I'm honored to be in charge of this ship. I'm glad to know that the crew is ready and willing, as well," he said, a slight grin turning up the corner of his lips. "I was a bit worried that inviting our new crew members on board would cause problems, but I'm glad to see they're being welcomed with mostly open arms. Of course there are some concerns, but in the end I think the new crewmates will prove themselves. I have faith in them, otherwise I wouldn't have brought them on board."  
  
He began walking again, heading back towards the CIC and turning to address Kaidan as they walked. "So what do you make of all this, Lieutenant? Think you'll be comfortable serving under a Spectre?"  
  
"I don't believe that either the Council or Captain Anderson would have supported you if you weren't ready to take on that position, sir," he said, instinctively going for a very generic answer.  It appeared that getting used to having a superior officer asking for his personal opinion, and actually meaning it, was a bit harder than it looked.  He sighed.  
  
"What I mean is…  So far, the most personal experience I've had of how Spectres operate have been Saren and Nihlus," he went on to explain.  "According to Anderson, it seems that Saren's methods have always been ruthless, as is his habit of treating life and other species with contempt, especially humans.  While Nihlus seemed to be more preoccupied with doing the right thing, and being the protector that he was meant to be."  
  
In truth, Kaidan's opinion of Spectres in general was pretty neutral.  The Council wasn't perfect; their agents weren't perfect either.  But the galaxy itself was far from being a perfect place to live.  Trying to govern so many different races and keeping them at peace and working together was a pretty impressive feat.  Spectres were meant to keep the galaxy safe, and running as smoothly as possible.    
  
So of course there was bound to be some failures and mistakes along the way.  Just because one Spectre went rogue or abused his powers didn't meant that the whole system was wrong, or even corrupt, unlike some agents at C-Sec would like to pretend.  Overgeneralization seemed to be a trait that humans shared with many different species, unfortunately.  
  
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that, in the end, 'Spectre' is just another title.  That much power can corrupt and change someone, sure...  but the potential to either do great or terrible things with that power was there in the very beginning.  I mean, I'm pretty sure that Udina was an ass long before the guy ever became an Ambassador," he said with a little knowing smile. Shepard snorted, barely managing to keep from laughing out loud.  
  
"So, as far as I'm concerned, I'm still serving under Commander Shepard.  And if that means that we'll be allowed to bend some rules and have access to more resources, including alien allies, in order to get the job done, I am willing to trust in your judgment.  After what happened on Eden Prime, the more means we have to apprehend Saren and make sure that he answers for his crimes, the better," Kaidan stated with a determined look.  
  
"I'm glad to hear that, Lieutenant," Shepard replied, an impressed look crossing his face. "You've got a very realistic way of looking at things. That's a good thing to have."  
  
They had paused at the front of the CIC, overcast by the glow of the galaxy map slowly spinning in the center. Shepard turned to Kaidan, leaning against the railing behind him and crossing his arms. "I'd like you to be part of the drop team on Therum. I could use your expertise."  
  
"Of course, Commander.  Whatever you need," he answered, glad that he would be given the opportunity to keep an eye on him.  Of course, he hoped that they wouldn't encounter too much enemy resistance in their search for Dr. T'Soni, but he still had a tendency to expect the worst.  After what they'd seen and learned over the last few hours, they might need to be prepared for virtually anything.  And if that was the case, he didn't like the idea of Shepard going out there on his own…    
  
Well, not quite "on his own" considering that the Commander probably didn't make it a habit of going into unknown territory alone.  And Kaidan didn't have the pretention of being any better or stronger than his other squad mates just…   _Just what?_   More observant?  More focused?  Whatever it was, the thought of Shepard being in danger seemed to awaken a very protective side of him, and that worried him.  Last time he'd felt that way about someone, it hadn't ended well…  
  
But this time, things were different, weren't they?  He wasn't trying to win any personal favors from the Commander, and they didn't have an abusive turian general to answer to.  No…  He was only worrying because he'd witnessed Shepard's reckless attitude earlier; and, as a fellow soldier and squad mate, he wanted to make sure that he stayed safe.  Yes, that made perfect sense.  That little tightening in his gut whenever he thought about the Commander getting hurt, or worse, was perfectly normal, rational, and professional…  Nothing to concern himself with.  
  
"Uh...  Is there anything else, sir?" he asked, clearing his throat a bit, having just realized that he'd been staring at Shepard without saying anything for a few moments there, lost in thought.  
  
One of Shepard's eyebrows arched upwards – he was used to funny looks and staring from his crew, sure, but he couldn't get a read on Kaidan and that bothered him. He could usually pinpoint the reason why fellow marines were overly concerned with staring at him. Most of the time it was a "book by its cover" issue – they had all heard the stories about Mindoir and Akuze and the N7 program, and more than once he'd had someone outright tell him he didn't look anything like they'd imagined. No one ever wanted to elaborate on the specifics when asked why, but he had a vague idea that most of them had painted a mental image of a massive, muscle-bound action movie star crisscrossed with distinguishing scars and tattoos.  
  
He'd heard the whispered " _That's_ Commander Shepard?" far too many times to count. He was short, a little on the small side – not by a whole lot, though, just enough that standing next to a muscled marine gave the illusion that he was too skinny to hold a shotgun – and more than once he'd been outright called "baby-faced." He wasn't sure if it was meant to be an insult but he couldn't argue – he could barely grow facial hair as it was. The only "distinguishing" feature he had was his eyes – _pale_ gray, so pale that they looked white under just the right lighting – but all that did for him was make it easier to glare down a stuck-up marine who hadn't realized exactly who he was yet. And then of course they would run off with their tail between their legs, bumbling apologies about how they hadn't realized he was a superior officer. If it weren't so commonplace he might be inclined to find it funny.  
  
No, that wasn't why Kaidan kept giving him those odd looks. When they'd first met and shook hands before the Normandy's first departure, yeah, he'd seen the look of surprise flash across his face when he'd realized he was standing face to face with Commander Shepard. But he'd gotten past it fairly quickly – much faster than most of the crew – and now Shepard couldn't pinpoint what his concern was. It was frustrating, to say the least. His only option was to be blunt about it.  
  
"Concerns, Lieutenant? I'm getting the distinct impression there's something bothering you."  
  
"I was… uh…" _…feeling oddly protective of you in a completely professional way and actively worrying about your safety, considering that I believe you just might have a tendency to go insane in a fight, sir._   "Wondering what kind of resistance we could expect to find on Therum, sir.  Hopefully, we'll be able to make it to Dr. T'Soni before Saren and his geth," Kaidan lied, looking away and rubbing the back of his neck a little, embarrassed to have been caught staring.    
  
"Sorry if I appeared to space out for a moment there…  Flare-ups, you know.  Makes it harder to concentrate," he added, shrugging a little, and hoping that the Commander would buy it.  
  
Shepard stared at him for a long moment, as though trying to discern the hidden meaning behind what he had just said. He couldn't come up with anything, however, and chose instead to concede with a slight shrug. "Then do me a favor and make sure you check with Dr. Chakwas before we make the drop," he said, before finally pushing off of the CIC railing and uncrossing his arms. "If you'll excuse me, I need to check with Garrus and see if the Mako is ready for action."  
  
With a nod to the lieutenant, Shepard turned and walked away, heading for the lift.  
  
Kaidan watched the Commander walk away, feeling like he'd just dodged a bullet.  From the way he'd been looking back at him, he'd almost expected Shepard to accuse him of hiding something, and proceed with a whole interrogation.  Incidentally, he decided that it would probably be better to go see Dr. Chakwas to receive an all clear, just in case Shepard would decide to verify if he'd followed his recommendation.  
  
Perhaps he would take the opportunity to ask her to mention to Shepard that after having dealt with the side effects of an L2 implant for the last sixteen years, he had a pretty solid understanding of his personal limits and symptoms, and was responsible enough to seek medical evaluation and treatment on his own if need be.  
  
He could understand Shepard's concern, and even appreciate it, and he was pretty sure that he meant well. But he didn't want him to start thinking that his health problems would become a burden on the crew.  In a decade of military service, he couldn't recall a single time where it had directly interfered with his ability to perform his duty, especially when he was out on a mission.  
  
Generally speaking, as long as the pressure was on and he was required to focus on their objectives and/or use his biotics in a fight, he was perfectly fine, and there for his team at one hundred percent.  
  
It was the recovery period after a good adrenaline rush that was a bit trickier, and he had to carefully plan his downtime to allow himself enough quiet time in order to effectively recuperate.  So far, he'd been perfectly able to manage it.  
  
Of course he could explain all of it to Shepard himself, but he supposed that it wouldn't hurt if he heard it from a medical professional first, to show that he wasn't simply overestimating his abilities.  After all, they barely knew each other, and still needed some time to adjust and build trust.  
  
Meanwhile, if he hurried, he'd probably have time to check with Dr. Chakwas, and then send a quick message to his parents on the extranet before getting ready for the drop.  His father still had ties with the Alliance, and he was also under the impression that humanity welcoming their very first human Spectre was already all over the news.  
  
He couldn't tell them anything about their current mission, obviously, but he could at least confirm that he was still serving on the Normandy, and still part of Commander Shepard's crew despite the fact that they were now answering directly to the Council.  Otherwise, his mom would probably keep nagging her husband to get him to use his connections to try to find out where he was and how he was doing.  Might as well save them both the trouble.  
  
One thing was for sure – life on the Normandy was likely to become far more interesting…


	3. Chapter 3

Well, at least the mission on Therum had gone much better than Eden Prime, Kaidan had to admit. Despite the heavy resistance they'd met from the geth, they'd managed to locate Dr. T'Soni and bring her on board the Normandy safely.

The Mako had also proven useful and very effective against the attacking synthetics. It was equipped with a large mass accelerator cannon that, as Garrus put it, "packed one hell of a punch," as well as a more regular mounted machine gun. Shepard, however, simply preferred to run over any geth that were unfortunate enough to get in his way. Crude, but effective. Thankfully, the shields and armor on the vehicle were very impressive as well. Colliding with a geth armature at top speed was little more than a speed bump on the way to their destination. Garrus did complain that the oil stains would take forever to clean up, though.

He couldn't say that being a passenger in the Mako had been an especially pleasant ride… Once it had been decided that Shepard would do the driving and Garrus would operate the guns (that he'd apparently spent all morning calibrating,) all that had been left for him to do was to find some point far on the horizon to focus on in order to keep from getting sick. But, at least, the more time spent in the Mako killing geth meant less time spent directly facing them on the battlefield.

And, the less time they spent directly facing them on the battlefield, the less opportunity Shepard had to get himself killed. He felt a little silly for thinking that way, but until he found an occasion to bring up the subject with the Commander in a way that would make more sense than "I've got a bad feeling about the way that you fight, sir," he would just have to learn to live with the discomfort.

As for Dr. T'Soni, once on board, she had immediately offered her assistance. It turned out that she wasn't only a prothean expert as well as Matriarch Benezia's daughter – she was a very skilled and powerful biotic as well.

She could provide them with valuable insight on prothean technology, hold her own in a fight, and even be able to help them stop Benezia – perhaps even convince her to surrender peacefully, or reconsider her alliance with Saren. At least, they could always hope. If there was a way for them to be able to stop Dr. T'Soni's mother without being forced to kill her, he believed that it would most definitely be worth a try. They only had to hope that Benezia still cared enough for her daughter not to outright attack them.

Liara, as she'd insisted that they call her, was actually a very sweet girl, if perhaps a little shy. Though he could imagine how finding herself alone on an alien ship mostly filled with humans might make her feel a little nervous and socially awkward.

She was fairly young by asari standards, "only 106" as she'd told them during the post-mission debrief, and had spent most of her life among her own people on Thessia or studying and exploring prothean history and ruins. She'd also spent some time with the turians while visiting Palaven when she was younger, but human customs and military protocols weren't something that she was familiar with. She'd been so relieved when Kaidan had offered to answer any question that she may have regarding his species and life on the Normandy, and to come see him if she ever needed some more information or help with the ship's systems.

She'd also been very interested in the fact that he and Commander Shepard were biotics, too. Since biotic training was part of every asari's early education, all of her people being naturally gifted with it, she'd asked if he'd like to train with her once in a while, as asari sometimes would. Since she'd appeared to find the thought comforting, he'd accepted her offer.

Kaidan had never had any siblings, but he couldn't help but feel like he wanted to adopt Liara as a little sister. Which was pretty ironic considering that she was at the very least three times his age. There was a certain aura of innocence and constant wonderment about her that made her appear so much younger than she actually was.

When she wasn't questioning him about human culture and military protocols, the majority of her questions revolved around Commander Shepard. Nearly everything about him seemed to greatly fascinate her. Maybe it was hero worship, or simple idolization of someone whose reputation preceded him. Not that it was all that surprising; there was something oddly compelling about the Commander. Whether that was a good thing or a bad thing, he couldn't say.

Kaidan had agreed to tell her what was already public knowledge, but had suggested that she speak directly to the Commander if she really wanted to know more, as it wasn't his place to reveal that information. He could've sworn that his suggestion had made her blush, as though the notion of approaching Shepard with her curiosity was embarrassing. But her answer when he'd asked her why she was asking him for more information on Shepard, considering that much of what he knew about him could be found on the extranet or the ship's database was what had surprised him the most.

Apparently, Liara had been under the impression that Shepard and he had known each other for years. The way that they'd been interacting together during the mission and afterwards in the briefing room had led her to believe that there was a very strong level of collusion between them… One that she would normally find with a dear and close friend, at the very least.

She'd been shocked when he had admitted that he'd only recently been transferred to his command, and that this was their second off world mission together. However, that information had only seemed to strengthen her personal interest in the Commander. Kaidan had to wonder if Liara wasn't starting to develop some kind of crush on Shepard that went a little bit beyond mere scientific interest, and had been concerned that Kaidan would be competition… It occurred to him that asari commandos probably didn't share the same rules that the human military did regarding fraternization.

But Liara wasn't military. So technically, if the attraction were mutual – provided that he was reading her right, of course – nothing would prevent Shepard from initiating a relationship with her.

The thought of Shepard being in an intimate relationship with someone on board the Normandy bothered him a little, though, but he couldn't exactly pinpoint why. Perhaps he was afraid that it would end up distracting him from their mission's objectives. Or that it would mean that the Commander would have less time to spend with other members of the crew during downtime…

He had to admit that he was starting to enjoy the time that they spent talking together. But if Shepard were indeed interested in Dr. T'Soni, then he'd try not to take up too much of his free time to allow them to spend it more together. If anything, the Commander deserved to be happy, to find some comfort with someone in these difficult and troubling times. To be given the chance to share such an intimate connection. He might even let it slide that Liara might find him interesting during one of their next conversations…

He was so absorbed in his thoughts and the work that he was trying to finish on one of the Normandy's control panels, reviewing their weapons system, that he completely missed Shepard approaching him.

In fact, he didn't even realize Shepard was there until the man was standing right next to him, looking over his shoulder at the panel he was working on. So it was incredibly embarrassing when he visibly jumped with shock when Shepard finally spoke. "Need help with that, Lieutenant?"

Shepard barely managed to keep from laughing when he saw Kaidan jump in surprise – he had very obviously been pretty deeply immersed in thoughts when Shepard had approached, and judging by the way his hands had stalled on the panel in front of him, he most likely was not thinking about his work.

Once he'd recovered from his shock, Kaidan couldn't help but let out a little self-deprecating laugh. "Do you often make a habit of sneaking up on people like that, Commander?" he asked, his tone more amused than reproaching, though. Then he remembered that Shepard's training was largely based upon his ability to appear out of thin air and attack before people even had the chance to realize he was there.

"Actually, scratch that. That was a stupid question," he said, still smiling, before looking back at the panel that he'd been working on. "No, I'm good. I should have the last few adjustments figured out in no time. But thanks for the offer." He doubted that Shepard had come all the way here to help him with his work, though.

"Is there anything you need, sir?" he asked, growing a bit more serious and straightening up a little, trying to adopt a more "official" stance.

"Just checking in with my officers, getting a sense of where everyone is at. Any thoughts about the mission so far?" Shepard asked, looking down at the control panel Kaidan had been working on. He had zilch technological expertise as it was – he was lucky he could run a basic omnitool without breaking it – so as far as he could tell it was just a screen with a bunch of flashing buttons and symbols on it. In retrospect if Kaidan had asked for his assistance, there probably wasn't much he could do beyond offering him moral support.

Kaidan frowned a bit. To tell the truth, he did have at least one concern that he'd like to share with him to see if he was the only one bothered by it, but he didn't quite know if it was appropriate... At least, not if Shepard was asking about the information that he later planned to put in his report.

"Is this an official evaluation, Commander? Or off the record?" he asked, waiting for Shepard's permission before going ahead with his line of thoughts. If not, he'd just have to give him a more tactical analysis.

Shepard couldn't keep from smiling in amusement – he'd done his best to make his crew feel comfortable around him enough to speak as openly as possible, but Kaidan was proving a tough shell to crack. He couldn't blame him, though; a lot of soldiers were scared to even consider speaking their minds in front of their superiors. What was billed as "off the record" would often result in write-ups and uncomfortable meetings. Regardless, Shepard valued all of his crewmembers' opinions, no matter how unpopular or "insubordinate" more strict superiors might view them. "Alenko, when it's just you and me, you can consider it off the record."

Kaidan smiled back at him. "That's a generous attitude," he commented, letting him know that he sincerely appreciated his openness. He took a deep breath, pausing long enough to gather what he wanted to say before he could begin. "Okay, I think there's something wrong with all this," he stated, a hint of frustration in his voice. "This Saren is looking for records on some kind of galactic extinction. But we can't get backup from the Council?"

Okay, yes, they did appoint Shepard as the first human Spectre and gave him pretty much all the freedom he needed to get the job done. Granted. But God! If Saren was as dangerous, resourceful, and ambitious as he appeared to be, shouldn't they be the least bit worried? Especially given the focus of his search.

He'd built himself an army of geth and had a powerful asari Matriarch working for him, for Christ's sake! And all that the Council did was send a single Spectre after him, while asking him to provide his own ship and crew. Either they thought that Shepard was the best Spectre candidate that they'd ever met and looked like he could take on the whole galaxy on his own – okay, so maybe sometimes he did look that way – or their preferred way of dealing with such a crisis was to bury their heads in the sand, hoping that the danger would pass. Either way, aside from providing them with a boost to Shepard's and the Normandy's crew egos, that didn't help much.

"Sorry, Commander. There's writing on the wall here, but somebody isn't reading it."

Shepard shook his head with a sigh – Kaidan was most definitely not in the minority regarding that opinion. The only difference was that he was one of the only ones willing to say it out loud – something Shepard had to admire.

Though, as much as he hated to admit it, the Council's reaction to Saren's threat wasn't a big surprise. The story so far was incredibly unbelievable, and they had hardly any physical evidence as it was. He couldn't even bring up his vision from the beacon without it being thrown around that he'd just had a traumatizing hallucination. But considering the fact that he could hardly sleep without seeing those bloodstained images burned directly into his brain, he was more inclined to disagree. Not that he slept much as it was.

And as frustrating as the situation was, he couldn't fault for the Council for trying to stick to the hard facts. Asking the most powerful galactic leaders to enter into a full scale war based on a gut feeling that was only supported by demonic visions that only one man seemed to be having was asking for more than a lot.

"The Council doesn't want to believe anything's wrong," he said, crossing his arms and shaking his head again. "I'd call it human nature, but…" He trailed off, not quite sure if he should finish that thought. From what he'd seen of Citadel politics, every race had its fair share of ambitious assholes with too much power. It had reached the point that it didn't surprise him anymore.

Kaidan nodded. "I hear you." He'd been around alien species long enough to know that they shared many psychological traits with humans - one of them being the strong desire to believe that they were the masters of their own personal universe. The discovery of the mass relays had proven humanity wrong, however.

It wasn't that humans were weaker than the other races; they were just a bit less experienced in dealing with galactic issues, and less technologically advanced than some species. That meant that they inevitably had to rely on the Council races a bit more in order to catch up – at least, in the beginning. They were the newcomers that still needed to demonstrate what contribution they could bring to the other species, and show that they were a valuable addition to the galactic community.

"It just seems like a group that's been around as long as the Council should see this coming." Though maybe that was the problem right there. The Council had been in power for so long, successfully managing to keep the peace and solve past wars and conflicts, that this one was probably no different to them. They'd seen the Rachni Wars, the Krogan Rebellions… even the First Contact War between the humans and the turians. Each and every single time they'd found a solution, and they had prevailed. They were, after all, the very pinnacles of galactic power. Who would be stupid enough to dare challenge them?

But the protheans were once all powerful too, weren't they? And that didn't stop them from going extinct. So if Saren was digging right into that history, shouldn't it send a few warning bells ringing, at the very least? He guessed that the Council really had complete faith in their ability to remain in control of the galaxy, no matter what. Human nature indeed…

"It's funny. We finally get out there, and the final frontier was already settled. And the residents don't even seem to be impressed with the view. Or the dangers."

Shepard couldn't keep from chuckling under his breath – he'd met a few soldiers with that point of view over the past few years serving on different Alliance vessels. Romanticism at its finest. Humanity had spent so long truly believing that they were the center of the universe, only to undergo a major upheaval when they finally travelled beyond the Sol System and ran smack into another species that had been there far longer. The matter was only complicated when they realized that in comparison, humans were small fish in what turned out not to be a pond, but an ocean. Their first contact with the turians was about the equivalent of a minnow head-butting a shark. Once the screams for war and conquest had been stifled, it was just… confusing. Trying to learn about these people they had shared the universe with for ages and accept the fact that they had been there all along and would continue to be there, no matter what humanity thought about themselves and their importance – it was a difficult process, one that they were still working through to that day.

"Well well. You're a romantic," Shepard said with an amused smile. "Did you sign on for 'the dream,' Alenko? 'Secure man's future in space?'" he asked, emphasizing with his best "official" voice – not unlike the narration on those commercial vids he'd seen on the extranet that used glowing words and beautiful photos of space to recruit men and women into the Alliance. He remembered seeing those when he was a child and wondering if soldiers were out there just to stare at pretty stars and meet exotic aliens. Of course once he joined up those ads became nothing more than a stupid memory.

Kaidan chuckled a bit. No one except his parents had ever called him that. And probably not since he was a pre-teen. Even then, he was still seen by his classmates as the geeky kid with his nose buried in adventure novels and scientific and technological literature.

"Yeah, I read a lot of those books when I was a kid, where the hero goes to space to prove himself worthy of someone he loves. Or, you know. For justice," he conceded with a little shrug. It was kind of embarrassing to admit, but those stories were probably one of the main reasons why he'd initially been so excited about going to train on Jump Zero. The fact that reality didn't always measure up to fiction was, however, a lesson that he'd soon learned the hard way.

"Maybe I was a romantic in the beginning," he admitted, growing a bit more somber, "but I thought about it after Brain Camp – ah, sorry. Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training," he specified, not knowing if Shepard would have heard about the old program. Especially considering that it had been mostly kept a secret back then, and that what was left of it in the Alliance's records was now heavily classified.

"I'm not looking for 'the dream,'" he stated. "I just want to do some good. See what's out here."

Kaidan wasn't quite ready to admit it aloud, but despite everything, the fact that he'd lost much of his innocence back then, he'd always refused to let whatever had happened in his past completely break him. He'd always loved space and had a very curious personality. Anything that he didn't fully know or comprehend greatly fascinated him, and he enjoyed learning; not to mention, helping the world advance in any way that he could. 

He guessed that he simply had much more realistic expectations about it now. "Sorry if I got too informal. Protocol wasn't a big focus back at BAaT".

"Lieutenant, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't care if you're informal?" Shepard replied, shaking his head in exasperation – he wasn't annoyed, however, as he was still smiling. "I'd rather hear what you think, not an official response about what you think I want to hear. I promise I won't throw you in the brig for speaking your mind."

He leaned against the railing separating Kaidan's work area from the rest of the crew deck, crossing his arms. "Why don't you tell me about BAaT? I've heard the name a few times but I still don't know anything about it."

Kaidan hesitated for a moment. The last time he'd shared anything about his experiences back at "Brain Camp" with someone else was years ago. And it had been with a psychologist – something his parents had insisted upon when the Alliance had offered. After they'd discovered what had really happened at Jump Zero and learned about the abuses to which some of the kids had been subjected, including the few casualties, the Alliance had stepped in to make sure that the victims would receive the care they needed. It was the least they could do after the mistakes that had been made.

Sadly, a few of those kids never fully recovered despite the help offered to them. Some of them took their own lives – especially those that were suffering from the unbearable complications of their L2 implants. 

Kaidan remembered having considered it.

But the thought of putting his parents through that kind of pain had quickly stopped him, and he chose instead to accept the help that was being offered. He didn't want to take the easy way out, stifling those memories permanently like so many of his friends had without a second thought for how it might affect the people who truly cared about them. He'd soon learned that his best revenge had been to survive, and grow stronger.

It had taken him five years to overcome the guilt and to fully figure out where he stood in all of this. To get a better sense of who he was, and what he really wanted to do with his life… In the end, he'd decided that since his biotics were always going to be a part of him, the best thing he could do was to make sure that they wouldn't become a lifelong curse. So he'd found an old vacant warehouse near his home, and had continued his training – learning more advanced techniques from vids of asari commandos he'd found on the extranet, or just experimenting with it.

Once he'd felt comfortable enough with his abilities, he'd contacted the recruitment services of the Alliance. And since then, he'd left the past far behind, and had never looked back.

So he was surprised, to say the least, to realize that he actually yearned to share some of it with Shepard. There was something about the other man that not only made him feel like he could be trusted and like he truly wanted to have the opportunity to get to know him better… But like he wanted Shepard to get to know who he truly was, too. So he guessed that sharing about each other's past history was an important part of that.

"'Biotic Acclimation and Temperance' didn't last past the airlock. To the kids they hauled in, it was 'Brain Camp,'" he began explaining, before pausing when he realized how his wording could be misconstrued. "Sorry, 'hauled in' is unkind. We were 'encouraged to commit to an evaluation of our abilities, so an understanding of biotics could be compiled.'"

That was the "official" version, of course. That is, until the company decided that it would be more profitable to try to turn them all into biotic superheroes to show the full potential of their implants.

"There are worse results of 'accidental' exposure to element zero in the womb. Beats the brain tumors some kids grew up with."

Shepard watched Kaidan as he spoke – he was as discreet about it as he possibly could be considering the fact that they were facing one another, but he couldn't help but try to read his body language. After all, he couldn't be sure if he was treading into dangerous territory concerning Kaidan's past experiences. If it became clear that his Lieutenant was becoming uncomfortable, he'd need to backpedal immediately. Despite his curiosity, even he knew better than to push his crew for personal information that they didn't want to share. There were a lot of things that just weren't his business.

He had to admit that Kaidan had piqued his curiosity even before he'd met him during the debriefings at Arcturus Station. Being the Executive Officer of the Normandy had given Shepard the privilege of having access to the entire crew's dossiers – although it was sort of a double-edged sword, as his dossier was available to many of them as well. And despite the obvious censorship when being accessed by the lower ranks, there was enough information about him on the extranet to fill in the blanks. More than he was comfortable with, admittedly.

Kaidan, on the other hand, had enough "File Classified" warnings in his dossier to rival a top-ranking Admiral with a closet full of skeletons. Despite the fact that he was a superior, even Shepard couldn't access a good portion of his file. And as foolish as he felt admitting it, he was curious.

Of course, he'd never come right out and admit that to the Lieutenant's face. He wasn't sure just how personal some of that information was. So, he'd just have to remind himself that his crewmembers would share what they deemed appropriate when they were comfortable. Kaidan would not be an exception.

But, as long as they were already on the subject… He figured it wouldn't hurt to find out a little more about Kaidan's origins. His dossier had been obvious and simple, labeling him as an L2 biotic with no embellishments. The most Shepard could glean from the numbers was that judging by his age, he had been a part of the first generation. Which made his emphasis on the word "accidental" a bit odd, he realized.

"Is there some question about how you were exposed?" he asked, genuinely concerned for a moment. He knew the rumors – after the first generation of human biotics had started to run dry, drive core failures very suddenly and conveniently began occurring over populated colonies and spaceports. It was obvious in hindsight, but the incidents went blame-free and no hard proof was ever found. And considering how eezo exposure was far more likely to produce malignant tumors than biotic abilities, someone out there had a lot of blood on their hands that they never answered for.

Kaidan shook his head. "My mother was downwind of a transport crash. It was before there were human biotics. A little after the discovery of the Martian ruins." 

He remembered his parents telling him that they'd been more than just a little freaked out when their son had started moving small objects around the house with his mind when he was about five. The mass relays had been discovered and space colonization had just begun back then, but humanity had yet to meet with another sentient alien race. They didn't even know what biotics were, or what they could do.

Thankfully, his father's first reaction had been to contact the Alliance to try to see if there were other reported cases of the same occurrence. He'd eventually learned that there was a link between element zero exposures and the strange abilities that some children were developing. The Alliance had told his parents to keep a close eye on their son and to come see one of their doctors every three months in order to monitor any other changes in his condition, and to make sure that the situation wasn't endangering his health.

In retrospect, he'd been lucky. He'd learned that some parents had been so afraid that they'd abandoned their children, or in some extreme cases tried to kill them, thinking that they were possessed or dangerous. But without implants, human biotic abilities were actually very limited and didn't represent much danger to anyone. Of course, no one knew that back then.

"It only gets iffy around '63 when Conatix was running out of first-gen subjects. Until then, they'd relied on accidentals," he explained, confirming Shepard's thoughts. "Bunch of guys in suits show up at your door after school. Next thing you know, you're out on Jump Zero." 

In retrospect, his recruitment had actually gone much better than most. Since he'd always been curious about space travel, and his parents had wanted to respect their son's decision, Conatix hadn't felt the need to resort to some of their dirtier recruitment techniques. From what a few of the other kids had told him, some of their parents had been convinced from the company's officials that without proper training, their children would inevitably become a danger to themselves and to the general population. And considering how biotic potential was a complete unknown at that point, they would believe anything that was told to them in the name of "protecting" their children.

It was abundantly clear that Kaidan had a better grasp on the subject than Shepard did – which wasn't a huge surprise, considering how different their experiences seemed to be. Kaidan was a first-gen L2; Shepard was a latent L3. His powers had come as a complete surprise – most human biotics were capable of utilizing their abilities from an incredibly young age. Shepard's powers had decided to hide in a dark corner somewhere until psychological trauma had dragged them out kicking and screaming, when he was already seventeen and too old to undergo basic training. Not that it would have done him much good. His powers were far too raw and unstable for the basics – forget being able to push a glass across a tabletop. The last time he'd tried that, he'd had to pick glass shards out of the wall.

Kaidan had dealt with the system far longer than he had. He'd seen the patterns. Heard all the rumors. He'd witnessed firsthand things that Shepard had only learned about in hindsight. So he'd know more than just rumors; maybe he knew more than he was letting on.

"You know of any intentional exposures for certain?"

Kaidan sighed. "No one 'knows.' Doesn't mean they didn't happen." As much as he usually tried to stay clear of conspiracy theories and alarmists, in this particular situation, he found it a bit harder not to connect the dots and see the vague outline of a bigger picture. Besides, he knew perfectly well that Conatix didn't have many qualms about putting a few humans' lives at risk for the sake technological advancement. And without new biotic potentials to work with, there wouldn't be much use for further implant use and development.

"As big as the exposures were, it was hard to track down accidentals. It was different then. No one knew the potential, so there wasn't a lot of regulation. Anything Conatix did was gold." 

Of course, there were no records out there that could officially link the company to the increase of starship drive failures that had suddenly started to just "happen" over largely populated areas. So it wasn't as if he could just accuse the company of having been responsible for it. Still…

"I'm not saying they intentionally detonated drives over our outposts. But in retrospect, they were damn quick on the scene."

Shepard took that as confirmation that Kaidan had about as much knowledge on the subject as he did – they were up to their ears in theories and rumors, but never any hard proof. It was all circumstantial, and as obvious as it looked from the right angle, "circumstantial evidence" rarely ever carried a conviction these days. And definitely not with a major corporation that ran as deep as Conatix did.

There was little where else to go with that line of thought, however. They could argue conspiracy theories all day but it didn't change the fact that bad people had done bad things for the sake of profit and a lot of innocent people had suffered for it.

Shepard hated to leave it at that. He felt cold and callous for even considering it. Lots of kids died from overexposure to eezo, victims of horrific cancer and life-threatening deformities. And if they didn't die, and instead developed biotic abilities, they were turned into outcasts and scooped up by a corporation that only wanted them for the profit they generated. And if Shepard could have done something about it, he would have. But as it stood, he was little more than a child when the "accidents" began to happen. It was over two decades before he even realized just how steep the cost was for humanity to understand biotics. And by then it was too late; the damage had already been done.

The more he thought about it, the more it made his gut twist. Besides, he wasn't here to discuss biotic conspiracy theories with his Lieutenant. He was here to learn more about him, not what he knew about a splintered corporation.

"There were other kids in the same boat, right? At least you weren't alone out there."

After all, if the numbers in Kaidan's file were to be believed, he'd been dealing with the repercussions of learning how to use his biotics throughout most of his childhood. Regardless of what BAaT was like, at least he had people to lean on. People who knew exactly what he was going through.

It was hard not to be envious. Shepard hadn't had that. His powers had been late in their development, and by then, no one was talking about BAaT anymore. The Ascension Project hadn't even been established yet. He didn't have anywhere he could go, or anyone who was in the same situation. His first memory of using his powers was waking up in an Alliance trauma unit and throwing a medical officer through a partition with a ridiculously powerful biotic throw. He'd broken half of the man's ribs. It wasn't some exciting memory of a five year old realizing he'd just made one of his toys float – it was a sick, horrifying moment of confusion and terror. How did I do that?

"That's true. We did have a little circle that'd get together every night before lights-out," he admitted. Having had other kids out there with him had helped, to some extent. There were also those of them that had quickly ended up resenting him for having managed to antagonize their teacher, Vyrnnus, from the get go, but Shepard didn't really need to know about that.

Kaidan had always felt very comfortable with authority figures and with following orders or instructions, as long as they made sense to him. So naturally, he wasn't exactly the type of kid to take their teacher's abuses lying down. He wasn't trying to provoke or disrespect Vyrnnus, either. Just trying his best to stay true to himself and avoid showing signs of weakness in front of a person that he considered to be nothing more than a bully.

As a result, the turian had developed the tendency to single him out during training sessions and push him harder than most. Most of the time, however, Kaidan had managed to meet his near impossible demands, which had only served to anger their teacher further – and the rest of his class often felt like they'd ended up paying for it.

Since they all feared Vyrnnus and saw him as untouchable, the other kids weren't exactly able to express their own anger, fear, and frustrations towards their tormentor. Instead, it became easier to blame him. It had been a very strange and confusing time… Show that he wasn't willing to let people like Vyrnnus get to him, and he either came out as some kind of hero and protector, or a nuisance and troublemaker. When in truth, he was probably just as scared and lost as everyone else, and simply looking for ways to cope with the situation and survive.

"We didn't have much to do, though. It was a research platform then, and Conatix kept Jump Zero off the extranet. To prevent leaks." And to prevent the possibility of any of us trying to warn our friends or family of what was really happening…

Shepard had to arch an eyebrow at that. Several teenagers stuck together on a research platform with no extranet? And they "didn't have much to do." He almost wanted to laugh, but he managed to keep a straight face.

"You were all teenagers. I'm sure you found other ways to 'occupy the time.'"

"I'm not the sort who does that kind of thing, Commander," Kaidan replied, forgetting for a moment who he was addressing himself to. Shepard had a way of making him feel comfortable enough to delve into more personal matters without even noticing that he was doing it. "Not lightly, anyway," he clarified, not wanting to make it sound like he was completely asexual either. He just wasn't the type to choose intimate partners as a way to simply occupy the time.

"There was a girl I spent a lot of time with, but we kept our clothes on. Rahna." Even after all this time, it was hard for him to say her name without reliving a few memories. Some pleasant, others more painful. But he tried to push the most difficult ones aside to focus on the good times. "She was from Turkey. Her family was really rich. But she was smart, and charming as hell. Beautiful, but not stuck up about it," he said, describing her as best as he could remember. "I think you'd have liked her." Well, that was an easy guess considering that pretty much everyone back at BAaT was crazy about her.

Shepard almost answered that with an automatic response, but thought better of it, his expression faltering for a moment. He was honestly surprised that Kaidan was willing to be so open with him on this sort of subject matter – he may have been difficult to crack at first, but once he got him going, he was proving to be incredibly insightful and deeply personal. He wanted to have every crewmember under his command comfortable enough to speak their minds, but on the other hand, he found himself intrigued by where these people had come from and the things that they had been through. Maybe it was empathy; maybe he was just curious. He didn't usually make it a habit to pry too deeply into his crew's personal lives, but Kaidan was giving him this sense that he needed to know more about him. Maybe it was just curiosity after seeing the red tape in his dossier. Or maybe there was just something magnetic about this man, something that drew him towards him. It almost felt like this had progressed beyond mere curiosity.

He wasn't sure how to feel about that.

"Sounds like she was special to you."

"She was," Kaidan admitted, a sad, pensive look crossing his features. For a long time, she'd been his best friend, his confidante. The only thing that had made life on Jump Zero bearable, somehow – even exciting at times. They'd meet for lunch or hang out after their lessons, and everything else in Kaidan's world would vanish. Every problem, melt away…

It occurred to him that Shepard reminded him of her, in some ways. Not physically, of course. Despite his boyish good looks, the Commander was far from being effeminate. Though even there, he seemed to be completely oblivious to his own charms. He'd totally missed the almost disappointed look that Sha'ira had sent his way when Shepard had accepted her "gift of words" without further ado. For a moment, he'd almost expected the asari consort to try to book another appointment with him instead.

Like Rahna, Shepard was highly charismatic and seemed to naturally draw people to him. And he had the same aura of kindness and humility… Though perhaps with a more dangerous edge that let someone know that if they were completely wasting his time, or trying to take advantage of someone else and/or abusing their power, the claws would come out.

"Maybe she felt the same, but…" he paused, having often wondered what would have happened if things had gone differently. If he'd ever been special to her at all, or… just one of her admirers. He knew that he was being unkind, but the thought had crossed his mind on occasion. Kaidan had been one of the strongest biotics back at BAaT, and one of the very few that could hold his own against their instructor. What if she'd only been interested in him for protection? It was silly, he knew, but after how fast she'd dismissed their friendship after the "accident," it was hard for him not to let his self-doubts resurface.

"Things never fell together. Training. You know," he said, not really wanting to explain the true reason why they'd entirely stopped seeing each other, somewhat afraid of what Shepard would think of him then. He'd probably already said too much as he was sure that the Commander had much better things to do than listen to his complaints.

Shepard was hit with the sense that it was time for a subject change – the sudden shift in Kaidan's body language, the way his expression had suddenly faltered spoke volumes about the nature of their current discussion. This was clearly something he wasn't entirely comfortable talking about. A small part of him wanted to find out more about Kaidan's relationship with this girl, but the rest of him knew it was time to back up.

"Jump Zero is a long way from home," Shepard said, expression sympathetic. Kaidan was an Earth kid, and his first trip off planet was to a research facility out on the edge of the Solar System. He couldn't imagine how homesick he must have felt. "What was it like?"

"The grand gateway to humanity looks a lot better in the vids," he replied, remembering his own disappointment when he'd discovered that the place didn't have much to offer unless you were a scientist. Their test subjects, officially known as "biotic potentials," only had access to the basic living facilities, teaching and training grounds. The rest of the place was pretty much closed to them. "Gagarin station was just a sterile research platform when I was there." And considering that it wasn't a place that he'd been all that eager to return to visit since then, there wasn't much more he really could tell Shepard about it, besides what was already common knowledge.

"But that's my own baggage, Commander. No bearing on this." The last thing he needed was for Shepard to believe that his past issues might start interfering with their mission, or that it was going to cause any problems.

Shepard shook his head, unable to keep from chuckling under his breath. There he goes again. "Alenko, there's no regulation that says you can't be friends with your Commander," he said, offering him a sincere smile. The last thing he wanted was for his crew to think he was trying to trap them into telling him something sensitive that might affect how he would treat them on subsequent missions. No, he knew how to keep personal business separate from the battlefield. He'd found that a certain amount of camaraderie was a positive thing. He'd tried to lead teams with the bare minimum amount of comfort amongst the members, allowing his men to hold an image of him being an unapproachable hard-ass. And, maybe he was in the beginning. But he'd learned quickly that without at least some level of personal connection amongst his crew, they were hardly a team.

Kaidan was taken aback by Shepard's comment, though not negatively, just… He was surprised that the Commander seemed to find him interesting enough to suggest becoming friends. He soon realized that he'd really like that, though.

"I appreciate that, Commander," he replied genuinely, offering him a shy smile. "I just don't want you to think that I'm a… a whiner," he added, shifting a bit and avoiding his gaze for a moment. Yeah, as far as first impressions went, he could probably have done better… He quickly managed to pull himself together and overcome his discomfort, though. "Besides, I've got my past squared away," he said, putting as much conviction as he could in his voice. Still, he couldn't help but wonder which of them he was trying to convince.

"What about you?" he asked, eager to shift the focus back on something else, and also curious to learn more about Shepard's own experience. Personally, he was much more interested in the man than the larger than life hero that the press was trying to make him be. "I don't want to ask anything that might make you feel uncomfortable, but… Dr. Chakwas was telling me that you'd had to rely mostly on yourself to learn how to use your biotics. I can't imagine it having been easy…"

"It… it wasn't," Shepard admitted, faltering for a moment. He'd never really spoken to anyone about how he'd dealt with his biotics. A small part of him wanted to tell Kaidan about it, though. Maybe because Kaidan was the first biotic he'd had extended contact with. Or maybe he was just comfortable with him enough to speak about it.

"They said I was a 'latent' biotic. I had developed the nodules and everything, I just… hadn't 'activated,' I guess," Shepard explained, looking down at his arms crossed across his chest as he spoke. "I didn't get my implant until I was seventeen. Otherwise you might have seen me at BAaT."

He shrugged a bit, before looking up again and giving Kaidan a slight smile. "I spent the better part of a year trying to teach myself how to control my biotics without breaking something. Or, you know, someone." He paused, before giving a humorless laugh. "The very first time… I used a biotic throw on an Alliance nurse. It was an accident, of course, but... I don't know where that guy is anymore. But he's probably still terrified of me."

"Yeah, I get that…" Kaidan replied sadly, before going into a slight panic mode when he realized how his words could easily have been taken the wrong way. "I don't mean about that nurse being terrified of you!" he quickly clarified, not wanting Shepard to think that there was anything wrong or scary about him. "You don't make me feel like I've got any reason to fear you, Shepard… Uh, Sir." Yes, keep freaking out like that and I'm sure that the Commander will believe you…

Kaidan took a deep breath and pinched the bridge of his nose while closing his eyes, forcing his thoughts to slow down and willing his mind to make some actual sense. "What I meant to say is that I know what it's like to be feared for what you can do. And… being scared of hurting someone," he said, that last part voiced just above a whisper. The subject was hitting a little closer to home than he'd like. At least, from what Shepard was saying, that nurse had escaped with probably just a few bruises and a story to tell. Vyrnnus hadn't been so lucky.

"And I'm glad that you ended up embracing your powers nevertheless," he added with a hint of admiration and maybe even longing in his voice, remembering how effortlessly Shepard had seemed to move on the battlefield, riding upon the dark energy waves, or making them explode upon his targets at will. "They're quite amazing, really."

Shepard almost wanted to laugh at Kaidan's initial reaction, but he had enough sense to hold back when he realized that he'd inadvertently struck a nerve with the Lieutenant. He had to wonder what story lay behind his words, but knew now wasn't the time to ask.

"Amazing? That's quite flattering coming from a biotic of your caliber, Lieutenant," Shepard said, hoping to maybe lift the heavy mood that had suddenly settled. "I think it's amazing how precise you are with your abilities. I just hit a spot and hope the radius hits an enemy or two," he joked, laughing slightly.

Kaidan smiled back encouragingly. "Well, at least you're hitting the right spot, Shepard," he said, then frowned a bit at the double entendre. Really, he was failing at communication today. "I mean that perhaps precision is not always that important," he specified. "You had very little time to learn and adapt to your powers; and still, the dark energy moves with you and even flows through you sometimes. What you lack in precision, you make up in raw power and speed." And passion… 

"A sniper rifle is good, but you can't call it better or worse than a missile launcher. To win a fight, you might actually need both," he explained, wishing that Shepard wouldn't be so quick to dismiss his abilities, or the skills required to activate and use them. Still, if the lack of precision really bothered him…

"Or, you know, if you'd like to, and we've got the time, I might be able to show you a trick or two," he suggested, careful not to make it sound like he thought Shepard needed more training. Well, to be fair, all biotics did, as Kaidan didn't believe that they could ever stop learning to perfect their abilities. "Or, better yet, I hear that there's a powerful asari adept on the ship that would probably be thrilled to share a few training sessions with you, sir," he added, remembering Liara's previous interest.

Shepard's eyebrows shot upwards. "Oh, really? Did she tell you that?" He was a little surprised, to be honest. He'd spoken with Liara earlier, just to check on her after her faint spell during the after-mission debrief, but she seemed very distant – almost shy. It was adorable in an awkward sort of way, but she'd never made any comment about wanting to train with him. Maybe she just wasn't comfortable around him yet – that, he could understand. That seemed to be a trait she shared with the rest of the crew. Except maybe Kaidan. With enough prodding, he was opening up quite a bit more than everyone else. It just took a little effort on Shepard's part to get him that far, and so far it didn't seem to be a wasted effort.

"I'd almost say we should use downtime for all three of us to do some training. It's rare that I get to serve with other biotics – and especially not an asari," Shepard said, before an awkward look crossed his face. "I was the only biotic on the last ship I served on. I used the shuttle bay for practice, until I found out some of the crew liked to come down and stare at me. I don't care to feel like an animal in a zoo when I'm using my powers, so it's been a while since I had any practice time. Not since then, at least."

"Careful, Commander, or Wrex might get jealous if we start doing lessons without him. And as interesting as it would be seeing you head-butting a krogan, I'm not sure you really want to risk it," Kaidan teased, then thought about it further. "Though if Ash caught us training our biotics with a krogan and an asari, she might be tempted to call our little group 'a zoo' for entirely different reasons," he added, unable to resist laughing. 

Ashley was an amazing soldier, and a great fun to have around. But sometimes, he swore that she could say the most inappropriate things when it came to aliens… Some of the comments she'd made on the Citadel had made him feel like trying to hide behind one of the bushes, or jumping in the lake to create a distraction. Perhaps getting the chance to work with aliens so closely would make her feel more accepting of other species. Hopefully.

He couldn't help but wonder if Shepard was suggesting that they train with Liara together because he really wanted them to, or because he didn't want him to feel excluded. "You know, if you'd like to spend some time alone with Dr. T'Soni, I'd understand," he said, rubbing the back of his neck and looking away. "I mean, she seems like a really sweet girl… And easy on the eyes, too. If you like the bookish sort."

Shepard couldn't keep from grinning knowingly at Kaidan. "Any intentions there, Lieutenant?"

He couldn't blame him for finding Liara attractive. She was like most other asari – exuding sex appeal without even trying. And Liara most definitely wasn't trying, if her shy and awkward nature revealed anything. Though to Shepard's personal taste she was a bit too innocent. When he looked at her he saw a little sister he needed to protect – not a powerful asari capable of leveling enemies with her biotics. It was a difficult mindset to get out of, and he most definitely wouldn't share it with her. The last thing he wanted was to antagonize her by treating her like she was fragile.

Kaidan couldn't hide his surprise at Shepard's comment. Great, now he probably thought that he was interested in her, which meant that Shepard might end up staying away from Liara in order to avoid any romantic rivalry between them on the ship. He had to find a way to fix that…

"No, Commander. Just art appreciation," he stated, hoping that he didn't sound too cold either. "I mean, she is an interesting lady; not to my tastes, but…" Okay, this was proving to be actually more difficult that he thought. "She also made it pretty clear that she was interested in someone else… And not just as a source of prothean data," he added, looking at Shepard pointedly, hoping that he would take the hint.

It was Shepard's turn to look surprised. "Oh, really? And how do you know that?"

To be honest, he was surprised. Granted, he'd only spoken to Liara once so far, and that had been to check on her after the debriefing to make sure she was settling in okay. She was incredibly shy, yes, but he'd chalked that up to naivety and being one of few aliens on board a human ship. And the interest she held in him didn't seem like it extended beyond interest in his visions from the prothean beacon. At least… that's what he had thought. Now he was beginning to have doubts.

"We spoke…" Kaidan trailed off, finding himself in a rather uncomfortable position. He didn't want to give too much information, as it wasn't really his place to say exactly what Liara had told him or what he'd read from her behavior. To be fair, she'd never explicitly said "I want to initiate a personal and potentially intimate relationship with Commander Shepard" but her interest in him had been rather obvious. It was also in the way that she looked at him, and became easily flustered in his presence… The way she carried herself around him, trying to capture his attention.

Kaidan sighed, deciding to take on a more direct approach. "Look Shepard, all I'm trying to say is that if you have a personal interest in Dr. T'Soni, I believe that there's a fairly good chance that the feeling might be mutual," he explained. "And also, I would understand if you wanted to spend more of your downtime with her," he added, doing his best to hide the slight disappointment in his voice, surprised that it was actually there at all. 

"I truly appreciate these talks we're having…" he said sincerely, fidgeting a bit "…but I wouldn't want to be stepping on anyone else's toes."

To his great credit, Shepard managed to keep from laughing out loud. It was evident in the way he smiled, however. "Alenko, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you sound jealous," he teased, before adopting a slightly more serious expression – though there was still a bit of amusement lingering in his eyes. "But as it stands, I'm going to hold everyone on this ship to the same rules and the same accountability. Liara may not be Alliance military, but that doesn't mean I'm okay with fraternizing with her. That kind of stuff causes… complications. Especially on the battlefield."

Kaidan had almost instinctively protested when Shepard had suggested that he might be jealous, but thankfully, he'd quickly realized that the other man was only teasing him. Of course, that only ended up making him feel all the more foolish, which caused heat to come rushing to his neck... He could only hope that he wasn't actually blushing, as the last thing he wanted was to make things awkward between them.

"I can imagine how that might make things more difficult," he said, trying to focus his thoughts on the subject instead, "especially if you ever find yourself in a situation where you would have to make a hard call for the sake of the mission." As much as the Alliance military had a policy of leaving no one behind, every soldier knew that if sacrifices were needed in order for a critical mission to succeed, it was something that might eventually be required of them.

"I mean, finding yourself in a situation where you'd be forced to choose between saving the one you love, or seeing an important mission through would be simply agonizing; no matter how high the stakes." Just the thought of losing a soldier under his command was already heart wrenching. He could only imagine how it would feel if that person also happened to be a lover.

"Exactly," Shepard replied, tone turning serious. "It comes down to a choice between jeopardizing a mission for the sake of a lover or suffering the emotional consequences of losing someone important to you. And in either scenario you're facing a discharge and a court date. Possibly worse, if someone else gets hurt in the process."

He looked away. "Sometimes I'm okay with bending the rules – I'd make for a terrible Spectre if I wasn't. But that's a regulation that has too many downsides to consider breaking." He paused for a moment, sighing as he rubbed the side of his neck in thought. "…Besides, I respect my crew far too much to put them through something like that."

Kaidan nodded. "And I'm sure they appreciate it," he said, admiring Shepard's strong sense of responsibilities and personal integrity when it came to the well being of the people under his command. He could only hope that no one would ever try to take advantage of that…

"I overheard a few people talking about us making a brief stop on Ontarom while we're in the Newton system. Something about Hackett wanting us to rescue a former Alliance scientist?" he asked. "I'm about done here if you need my help to go check it out…"

It occurred to him that although Shepard had encouraged him to speak his mind and relax around him, he might have been just a bit too forward with his commanding officer. "I mean - I'm free and waiting for orders, sir."

Shepard laughed slightly, before finally pushing off of the railing and straightening up so he could properly face his Lieutenant. "I actually came over here to ask you to be on the drop team. Just got a little caught up in conversation," he said with a small smile. "Not that that's a bad thing. We'll be at Ontarom in an hour. Think you can finish up here and be suited up by then?"

Kaidan nodded, smiling back. "Sure thing, Commander. In one hour, I've even got enough time to grab a snack," he said, before remembering that both he and Shepard were likely to be on the same high caloric diet. "Actually, if you'd like a protein shake before we go, I could always bring you one on my way back from the mess."

"I appreciate the thought, Lieutenant," Shepard replied, though he refrained from adding "even though those shakes taste like ass." He'd forced down too many of those things to count before and after missions. And he usually topped out burning quite a few more calories than most other Alliance biotics, which facilitated an even higher caloric diet. Which meant more ass-tasting shakes. Unfortunately, if he didn't follow the diet, he was likely to bottom out after a skirmish and pass out in the med bay. And being scolded by Dr. Chakwas wasn't very high on his priority list for the day. "I'll be in the armory when you're ready."

He stepped away with a parting nod, before leaving the Lieutenant to his work.


	4. Chapter 4

Shepard took a deep breath to steady himself, dropping to a kneel next to the door and pausing long enough to check the heat sink capacity on his shotgun – out of the corner of his eye he could see Kaidan and Garrus falling into position behind him, awaiting orders. He could see the eerie blue glow of a biotic barrier flickering across the surface of Kaidan's armor.  
  
He held up a fist, ordering them to stay put for now. They needed to catch their breath as it was – they'd had to fight through two waves of mercenaries, one of which had surprised them when they'd entered the building. They'd had a home field advantage and two krogans, but a few well-placed biotic charges and a little armor-piercing ammo went a long way. The room behind them was littered with spent ammo clips and dead bodies, and the three men had hardly a scratch. Well, Shepard had a few burn marks on his armor from a couple of barely-dodged concussive shots, but he didn't count those. There was still no sign of the scientist they were there to rescue, however, so it was only safe to assume whatever – or whoever – they were looking for was in the room beyond the door they were facing.  
  
Shepard rose to a stand, calling up his omnitool and hovering it over the door panel. "Be ready," he called over his shoulder. He waited for the telltale _click_ of both squad mates readying their guns, before he activated the panel. The orange holographic interface on his forearm flicked off and the door swished open, allowing the three to move forward with weapons drawn, Shepard taking point and Kaidan and Garrus immediately following.  
  
They were forced to a halt the moment they entered the room, however, when they came into contact with its occupants – a man in full body mercenary armor holding a pistol on another man clad in a doctor's uniform.  
  
"Stay back!" the armed man snarled as he shoved his gun threateningly close to the man's head, eyes snapping from his hostage to the three men who had just entered the room, before going back to the scientist cowering in front of him. "I've got no grief with you! All I want is this bastard!" His voice was wavering despite his better efforts to sound demanding – he knew he was cornered, with three different guns currently trained on him.  
  
"Please! He's a madman!" the scientist exclaimed, hands held up in a universal gesture of surrender, eyes locked on the gun pointed at him and expression nothing short of terrified. "Mr. Toombs, you're insane! You need help!"  
  
"Shut up!" the man roared, shaking hands still pointing the pistol at the scientist's head. "You don't get to lie! You don't…" he began, eyes moving back over to Shepard and his squad to watch their movements. He froze mid-sentence, however, when he finally seemed to get a good look at the three – his eyes had locked onto Shepard's face, and his pistol lowered just a bare fraction of an inch as a look of stark realization washed over his face. "…Shepard? My God… Shepard, is that you?" His voice was shaking again.  
  
Shepard lowered his shotgun only slightly, his posture straightening somewhat as he stared at the man holding the gun, expression awash with confusion. He was wearing a helmet, but there was just enough of his face showing… Why did he look so familiar? How the Hell did he know who he was?  
  
The realization hit him like a speeding truck. The last time he'd seen that face… it had been half obscured with blood, screaming for help. That _thing_ had burst from the ground underneath them… fingernails scraped the dirt, looking for traction, horrified and scared and hopeless. Screaming and echoing gunfire. The gunfire had stopped first and then maybe the screaming but he wasn't sure, because all he could hear was his blood pounding in his ears as he ran for the landing zone.  
  
He'd grabbed his hand, but he hadn't been strong enough. It had been ripped from his grasp and the only thing he could do was run and run and run and never look back.  
  
To Kaidan and Garrus' surprise, Shepard's shotgun dropped to his side. "…Corporal Toombs? But…" his voice wavered dangerously. "I saw you die on Akuze," he said, voice disbelieving, trying to rationalize what he was seeing, as though saying it out loud might dispel the illusion. Toombs had died on Akuze, along with fifty other marines. He'd seen it happen – then, and replaying on a broken film reel in nightmares ever since. This couldn't be real. It had to be some kind of sick joke. "How did you get here?"  
  
"They took me, Shepard," Toombs explained, before his attention turned back to his hostage, expression hardening. "The scientists," he spat.  
  
"You can't prove any of this!" the man responded almost immediately, voice near-hysterical as he shot a pleading look in the direction of the three men standing in the doorway. "This man is delusional!"  
  
"See, they were running tests on the thresher maw," Toombs continued as though he hadn't been interrupted, glaring daggers at the scientist in front of him. "They _let_ those things hit us, just to watch and study. I woke up in a holding cell. The scientists were delighted I'd survived; now they had someone to run _tests_ on."  
  
Shepard looked between the two as he spoke, still not entirely certain that what he was witnessing was real. He'd watched firsthand as a maw grabbed Toombs by the leg and dragged him under. He still saw his face, bloodied and screaming for help in his nightmares, along with so many other faces and voices of the people he hadn't been able to save. It was all he could do not to turn and run – as it stood, he was rooted to the spot, filled with too many emotions to count and sort through.  
  
"Toombs, I-I didn't see anybody," he managed to say, voice shaking despite his better efforts to remain composed in front of his team. Kaidan and Garrus may as well not have been there. He'd spent the last six years trying to forgive himself for the deaths of those marines. Now one was standing directly in front of him. "If I had seen you, I'd have come back for you. I swear."  
  
"You can't believe Toombs! He doesn't have any proof!" the hostage interrupted, still in borderline hysterics. "I demand a fair trial!"  
  
" _He was there_ , you bastard! He knows the truth!" Toombs yelled, once again shoving the gun threateningly at the scientist, causing him to flinch backwards. Toombs' attention turned back to Shepard. "They treated me like a lab animal. I only escaped because somebody destroyed Cerberus, their big organization," he explained, before his expression and tone turned dark. "This man deserves to die, Shepard. For you, for me, for everyone else in the unit. Are you with me?"  
  
Shepard shook his head, thankfully regaining enough of his sense to get a grasp of the situation. There were so many thoughts and emotions wrestling for control inside of him at that very moment that it was a miracle he didn't crack. It had been six years since his entire unit had been slaughtered, and now he was face to face with a survivor he didn't know had existed, telling him that the entire thing had been set up by a shady organization. It was a tough pill to swallow – an understatement at best. He was having a hard enough time accepting the fact that Toombs was alive, let alone that the traumatic event he'd barely survived was all some kind of game for a group of scientists. He needed time to think, but that was a luxury he couldn't afford during a hostage situation.  
  
"I can arrest him," he finally said, managing to keep his tone even. His gun remained at his side – he couldn't bring himself to point it at Toombs again. "He'll answer for his crimes in court."  
  
"Weren't you listening?" Toombs snarled, "He's part of a secret organization! I don't know what Cerberus is, but they'll never let their operation become public! This is the only way! Are you helping me, or are you killing me!?"  
  
"The Alliance might be able to force him to testify against Cerberus, but if you kill him now, we'll never know," Kaidan suddenly said in a gentle voice, hoping that there would be some way to get through to the troubled young man. His words seemed to remind Shepard that there were other people in the room, and he saw him go slightly rigid in response.  
  
To tell the truth, after what he'd just heard, he was tempted to simply raise his own gun and pull the trigger on that scientist himself.  Save either Shepard or Toombs the guilt and the trouble.  As much as he believed in justice and the right for the accused to have access to a fair trial; as much as the concept of gunning down a man that could not defend himself felt _wrong_ , and he'd normally take a solid stand against it, he didn't care much whether that scientist got to live or die. What they'd done to that man, his unit, and to Shepard was simply _unforgivable_.  
  
Every Alliance soldier knew about Akuze and the great tragedy that had occurred there.  Many of them had had personal reasons to mourn these events, considering how large the unit involved in the massacre had been.  Half a hundred men had lost their lives under horrifying circumstances; circumstances that had been categorized as some great and terrible accident.  
  
The thought that these events had actually been engineered to sate the curiosity of some underground organization, that all that these men and women had suffered could have been easily avoided…  It was filling him with such rage, and the most overwhelming feeling of powerlessness.  No matter how things went down today, he knew that there was _nothing_ that any of them could ever do to make things right.  
  
Still, he refused to give up hope that this man could be helped.  No matter the unspeakable horrors that had been inflicted upon him over the last six years, he had to keep on believing that there would still be a way for him to recover.  Toombs was one of theirs, and deserved the Alliance's full support and protection.  This feeling was only heightened by the knowledge that he'd been part of Shepard's old unit, and the only other survivor of those terrifying events.  
  
Looking at the Corporal, he couldn't help but imagine Shepard standing there in his place instead…  Pale grey eyes wild with pain and madness; desperately trying to find ways to deal with the trauma of what was done to him.  Hoping to find peace by seeking out his own justice.  The vision of it made his gut twist, and his heart pound wildly in his chest.  The thought of Shepard having been captured and experimented on by these Cerberus scientists, all alone and faced with so much hurt, was quickly becoming unbearable.  
  
"Please, Corporal, let us help you," he found himself pleading with him, hoping that Toombs would trust them and offer them a chance to do something for him, _anything_.  Pull him back from the brink.  
  
And he was worried about Shepard, too.  Something about him had changed since he'd recognized the former member of his team.  He and Garrus had grown quiet then, lowering their own guns, feeling like they'd just stepped in on something deeply personal; almost intimate.  The Commander's usual self-controlled and confident façade had all but crumbled, letting them get a glimpse of the wounds he still carried inside.  Of course, all of them had scars that they usually wished to hide...  But he couldn't shake the feeling that some of Marco Shepard's own scars ran much deeper.  
  
That knowledge had seemed to stir something deep inside him.  Something that made him _care_ about Shepard… about the burdens he carried… about the pain he was now facing… about the things that still threatened to hurt him.  
  
People always seemed to expect so much of him, because they knew that Shepard had the habit to get the job done, to always see things through.  He'd successfully survived impossible odds, which probably made him seem like he could take on anything, or anyone.  Had anyone ever taken the time to take good look at the man behind this aura of heroism?  To put aside their own needs and expectations, and just listen?  
  
Right now, though, they had more pressing and especially immediate matters to attend to…  
  
"Toombs, it doesn't have to be like this," Shepard pleaded, taking a cautious step towards Toombs, shotgun still hanging loose in his grip at his side. The Corporal immediately tensed in response, however, and his grip on his pistol went rigid, causing Shepard to stop in his tracks to keep from provoking him further. The scientist made a terrified sound, shrinking back. "This isn't the only way!"  
  
Tense silence pulled just short of the breaking point filled the room, Toombs not removing his eyes from the man cowering in front of him and Shepard refusing to look away from him. No one moved. No one breathed. The only sound he could hear was his heart pounding in his chest, incessant and loud.  
  
Finally, after what felt like an eternity of standing on the edge, waiting for someone to jump, Toombs was the first to move, taking a deep, calming breath and slowly letting it go as his grip on the gun seemed to relax ever so slightly. He looked over at Shepard, the rage that had been so evident on his face moments earlier dissipating like a fire that had been extinguished.  
  
"It is for me," he finally said with a sad smile, before looking back to the scientist as he recoiled in horror and pulling the trigger. The pistol kicked in his hand and gunfire popped loud enough to echo in the enclosed space – the scientist's body suddenly went limp and dropped to the ground with a _thud_ , blood seeping across the white fabric of his medical uniform. Toombs stood there, frozen to the spot and staring down at the man's body, before he finally lowered his gun and turned to face the three men staring at him with varying degrees of shock and horror.  
  
"I avenged them, Shepard," he finally said, his expression relieved, voice soft and no longer pinched with unrestrained rage. It was clear he had no regrets for what he had just done. "Our unit can finally rest in peace. I can finally let go."  
  
Shepard stood there, expression frozen in disbelief, unable to bring himself to move forward or do anything. His eyes flicked from the dead body on the ground back up to Toombs again, a man whose face had haunted his dreams for six years. A face that was now at peace with himself and what he had done. He had no words. No actions. The sound of the pistol firing was still ringing in his ears. Finally, very slowly, he nodded to Toombs, unable to find a way to respond the way he wanted to. _It's over now_.  
  
Toombs turned the pistol over in his hand, looking down at the weapon, still smiling ever so slightly. The overhead light reflected off of the gun's surface, rolling along the edge as he turned it. "The vids say that you were the sole survivor of what happened at Akuze," he said, before finally looking up at Shepard with a sympathetic smile. "Who am I to argue?"  
  
Toombs raised the pistol and placed the muzzle under his chin – Shepard immediately lunged forward to stop him, hand outstretched in desperation. "Toombs, no!"  
  
Gunfire popped one final time. Toomb's body slumped to the ground and the pistol clattered from his grasp. Shepard immediately went down on his knees next to his body, reaching to look for a pulse at his throat despite knowing full well the search was in vain – but he scrambled to find it regardless, hands and voice shaking. "No, no, no, God _damnit_ Toombs!" He stayed like that for a good few seconds, fingers desperately pressed to Toomb's bloodstained neck, before he swore out loud, the sound escaping like spitting poison. He removed his hand, bowing his head in shame. No one moved. He didn't seem to care that Garrus and Kaidan were still standing behind him.  
  
Finally, he raised his hand, pressing fingers still stained with Toomb's blood to the side of his helmet and activating a communication link. "Fifth Fleet, this is Shepard," he said – to his credit, his voice had stopped shaking. "Hostage negotiations broke down. There was a complication. I have two bodies in need of retrieval."  
  
There was a pause, presumably while someone on the other end of the line expressed disbelief, confirmed by Shepard's response moments later. "Yes, Admiral. I'll explain in the debrief. Shepard out."  
  
He rose to his feet after a moment, retrieving his shotgun from where he'd dropped it to the ground in his shock. He slid the weapon back in place at the small of his back, the magnetic plating in his armor locking it in place. He stood over Toombs for a moment longer, before he did the only thing he could do – he raised his hand to his forehead, giving the Corporal's body a short, stiff salute.   
  
_So this is how it ends_ , he thought bitterly. All of those men and women were still dead. He was still the only one who had survived. The only difference now was that for the briefest of moments, he hadn't been alone. There had been another survivor. Another person who understood the pain and the suffering and the nightmares. Another person unable to forgive himself.  
  
A small part inside of him was screaming in rage, in defeat, in frustration and hatred and fear. Everything he had known, everything he had come to terms with for the past six years had been turned on its end. Akuze hadn't been an accident. He hadn't been alone. At least, for a short time. Now… now it was the same as before, but now he had more questions than answers and two more people to add to the body count.  
  
He could feel the emotions boiling in his gut, fighting with each other for control. He didn't know how he wanted to feel. He just wanted to… he didn't know what he wanted. He wanted to scream. To break something. To lock himself up and never come out again. He needed to _go_ , to get out of here, away from the bodies and the blood and the screaming and the gunfire and the nightmares. He needed quiet. Solitude. Time to think.  
  
He said nothing to either of his companions, refusing eye contact as he turned back and slid past them. He reopened the door they had come in through, disappearing back the way they had come without so much as a word.  
  
The trip back in the Mako was silent, Shepard's hands gripping the steering wheel and eyes locked straight forward as they headed back to the landing zone. Even when they had docked and secured the vehicle in the shuttle bay, he only paused to strip his armor, stow his weapons, and change back into his Alliance fatigues, before he had gotten onto the lift and disappeared from sight, leaving Garrus and Kaidan to finish the post mission wind-down at their own pace. They exchanged worried glances, but said nothing.  
  
It was a good hour before Shepard was seen again, finally emerging from the communications room following a lengthy private debrief with Admiral Hackett. He didn't pause to say hello or speak to anyone as he usually did – he went straight for his personal quarters and the door slid shut behind him.

 

* * *

  
  
_Kaidan was standing alone in a vast battlefield.  He didn't really know exactly where he was, or where the combat zone began or ended…  The ground beneath his feet was littered with dead bodies, many of them wearing Alliance uniforms, others appearing to be civilians.  Among them were a few geth and krogan mercenaries.  
  
For a couple of minutes, all was eerily quiet as he walked around in a daze, growing more and more anxious by the second, unable to remember how he'd gotten there or what he was meant to do.  There was a heavy feeling of foreboding to this place…  The dead looking back at him with an accusatory expression, their broken limbs pointing in the direction that he was apparently meant to follow.  
  
But Kaidan was lost, feeling like he'd spent years aimlessly wandering this desolate place, missing something critical to find his way.  Whatever was expected of him, all he knew was that he couldn't do it alone.  Someone else held the key to this place, and he had to find it…  Find him. Nothing else mattered.  
  
That's when he saw it.  The light, in the distance.  The familiar blue glow of dark energy…  Pulsing, exploding…  Goading him to get closer.  Without thinking, he began running in its direction, stumbling and falling along the way; the bodies at his feet were trying to cling onto his legs and prevent him from reaching his destination.  But still, he pressed on.  No matter what, he knew that he needed to reach the light.  It was still strong, but fading fast.  It called to him…  It **needed** him.  
  
After what seemed like forever, he finally made it all the way up to a small hill, overlooking a dark and desolate landscape.  The light was coming from down there, and he could see that Shepard was engaged in battle with a large group of geth; but this time, the fire and passion were gone from his fight.  He moved aimlessly, unleashing his biotics upon his targets without a care, occasionally getting shot, yet appearing to be entirely oblivious to the pain or the blood dripping down his armor and slowly pooling at his feet.  
  
Kaidan tried calling out to him, but he had no voice.  He tried to summon his biotics, but he could no longer feel them.  He tried grabbing one of his weapons, but he was unarmed.  The only thing he could do was to climb down the hill and pray that he could get to Shepard in time…  But even there, his limbs felt like lead, and it was like trying to walk chest deep into a large body of water.  
  
When he finally got within a few meters of him, Shepard was standing alone, staring at the ground, his shoulders slumped and his back facing him.  The geth were all gone, and his armor no longer bore any signs of the previous battle.  In his right hand was a single pistol.  
  
"Shepard?" Kaidan asked, advancing slowly towards him, his heart racing, the feeling of pure dread he'd experienced since he'd reached this place threatening to choke him.  
  
Shepard turned around gently, and raised his gaze to meet his.  The eyes that normally carried so much willpower and intensity now appeared dead and haunted.  "Can you see it, Kaidan?" he asked in a small, empty voice, mirroring the look in his eyes.  
  
They were no longer alone. They were suddenly surrounded by at least a hundred dark shadows…  They floated around them, whispering in Shepard's ears and trying to pull at him.  There was something profoundly dark and seductive about the way they moved…  
  
Kaidan tried to reach out to Shepard, wishing that he could just grab him in his arms and shield him from all of these ghosts with his own body…  But he was once again frozen into place, unable to speak or move, powerless to do anything but watch.   **Leave him alone!** he screamed inside, desperately fighting back the fear and panic.  
  
"It's okay…" Shepard said dispassionately, ignoring the shadows all around them, "…I can finally let go."  He then raised the gun to his temple and pulled the trigger._  
  
"NO!"  Kaidan yelled, sitting upright in his bed, completely out of breath and for a few moments looking around in the dark wildly, deeply confused.  
  
"Jesus Christ!" he heard someone above him exclaim, the voice sounding familiar…  That's when he noticed that his head was very close to a few metal bars that held another mattress in place.  A now slightly misplaced mattress, as if someone had given it a solid biotic shove.   _Great_ …  
  
"LT, you okay?" the same voice asked, her tone now laced with concern, as Ashley's head appeared from the side of her bed looking down at him, with her hair loosely framing the sides of her face.  
  
A dream…   _Thank god, it was only a dream._   The emotions of it had felt so real.  
  
Taking a few deep breaths to calm himself and regain full control of his thoughts, he noticed that there were several pairs of eyes now looking at him from their own bunk beds with either deeply annoyed, confused, fearful, or in some case sympathetic expressions.  And why not?  He'd just woken everyone in the crew quarters with a scream, and probably a good surge of biotic energy.  
  
He didn't answer Ashley, quickly getting out of bed and bolting for the door, suddenly needing to find himself anywhere but there.  
  
Ashley watched him go, before her growing concern got the better of her, and she hopped down to the ground to follow suit.  
  
"Freak," she heard one of the ship's navigation technicians whisper from her bed soon after Kaidan had left.  She suddenly whirled and walked straight to that woman's bunk, angrily grabbing her mattress and yanking it (and the technician) down to the floor.  
  
"HEY! What the fuck is your problem?" the other woman yelled, while a few other crewmates had to stifle their laughs.  
  
"You're lucky he didn't hear you, because if you ever call him _that_ again, I'll both kick your ass and officially report you for disrespecting a superior officer.  Just so we're clear," she stated, not even waiting for an answer and rushing after the Lieutenant to go check on him.  
  
She found Kaidan sitting at one of the tables in the mess, head in hands, eyes closed, and his expression pained.  
  
"Bad dream?" she asked, then bit her lower lip when she saw him wince.  Apparently, whatever stress he'd experienced while dreaming had caused another of his flare-ups, and it seemed to be an especially bad one.  "Sorry…" she whispered, lowering her voice as much as she could.  
  
Kaidan offered her a little smile, touched by her attentiveness.  "It's okay…" he whispered back.  He kept his eyes closed, though.  The light in the mess was very dim, but it still bothered him.  
  
Ashley took a seat next to him and positioned herself so that she would directly face him.  "Turn around," she murmured, grabbing the backrest of Kaidan's chair to help him turn so that he could face her.  
  
This time his eyes shot open and he looked at her, confused, obviously wondering what she had in mind.  Ashley rolled her eyes.  "I'm not trying to take advantage of you, LT," she said quietly, and he had to almost laugh at that.  "My mother used to suffer pretty bad migraines when I was young…" she explained, as he finally let her turn his chair so they were now both facing each other. "Whenever it happened, and my sisters or I were around, we used to do this for her…" she said, delicately moving both hands to rest on either side of Kaidan's head.  
  
She paused for a second, waiting for his authorization to continue.  Kaidan seemed to hesitate for a moment, the contact between them obviously being a bit more intimate than he was usually accustomed to, especially coming from a fellow soldier.  But he was too tired, shaken, and especially hurting right now to let himself be bothered by it.  Ash's offer to help him seemed genuine, and he knew that there was no hidden message behind it.  So he nodded slowly and let his eyes close again, giving in to her touch, willing himself to relax.  
  
Ashley's cool hands actually felt good against his skin.  She began to massage both of his temples, moving her hands into small circles, careful not to put too much pressure into it, and looking for any knots or tension points that she could help loosen up a bit.  After a while, she moved to his forehead… then the sensitive spot between his eyebrows… then further down his scalp and the back of his head…  
  
He didn't know how long they sat there, but by the time she was finished, the pain had been reduced to a dull throbbing.  He had to keep himself from groaning in protest when she finally stopped and sat back, looking at him expectantly.  
  
"Better?" she asked, though her little smirk made it clear that she already knew he'd been enjoying it.    
  
He smiled back at her gratefully.  "Yes, much."  
  
"Good.  'Cause next time I might have to start charging you, or else we'll be getting strange looks from the rest of the crew."    
  
This time Kaidan laughed, being able to afford it now that most of the pain had passed.  "Or I could ask Dr. Chakwas to write me down an official prescription."  
  
"Yeah, I'm afraid she might get jealous, though.  I swear the woman gets a kick out of playing surrogate mother for Joker and you," she said, laughing back.  Her expression turned serious, however.  
  
"Garrus told me about what happened during your last mission with Shepard…" she trailed off, knowing that it was probably still a very sensitive matter, but feeling the need to offer her support nevertheless.  "…how are you holding up?"  
  
"Okay, I guess," Kaidan replied quietly, not quite knowing what to say.  When Toombs had shot the scientist, his first concern had been regarding how they could help the man live with the consequences of his actions.  Taking another's life in cold blood, no matter how justified, was likely to be a pretty heavy weight to carry; after the Corporal had experienced so many psychological and physical traumas, it could only be even more so.  
  
But by the time any of them had realized that Toombs had already a permanent solution in mind, it had been too late.  The young man had found peace at the cost of his life, leaving Shepard as the very last survivor of the tragedy that had occurred on Akuze.  From the moment that second gunshot had rung, the Commander had become oblivious to anything else…  As if he was functioning purely on autopilot.  
  
He hadn't answered when Kaidan had gotten down on his knees next to him, quietly whispering his name, while he'd been checking on Toombs, desperately looking for any sign of life.  He'd missed Garrus' offer to drive the Mako, quietly getting in the vehicle and waiting for them to follow suit.  
  
Kaidan had always preferred a good show of grief or anger to silence.  Silence was too scary, too distant, too unpredictable…  You couldn't fight the silence, and so much remained trapped inside of it.  
  
"I didn't expect you to become acquainted with a turian so fast, Chief," he teased with as small smile, trying to change the subject.  
  
"Yeah, Garrus is alright..." she said with a shrug, "…for a guy with scales covering his ass," she couldn't resist adding, knowing that this was exactly the type of comment that drove him crazy.  Tonight though, he was more than willing to let it slide, even laugh it off a little.  
  
She yawned, and it occurred to him that she was probably getting pretty tired, having had her night cut short like that.  "You should get back to bed," he said.  
  
"What about you?" she asked back, raising an eyebrow.  Apparently, she took her mother hen role very seriously…  
  
"I was thinking about sleeping in one of the sleeper pods permanently from now on…" he answered.  Since there weren't enough beds for all of the crew, they usually took turns.  Kaidan supposed that no one would complain if he gave up his.  
  
"Look, if it's about that levitating mattress trick you did back there, it's perfectly fine with me.  One of my biggest childhood dreams was to have my own flying carpet."  
  
"Until next time I accidently end up slamming you into the ceiling instead," he replied sadly.  
  
Ashley sighed in frustration. "If you're really that worried about it, LT, I'll let you have the upper bed.  But you're not going to start cutting yourself off from the rest of the crew just because you had a nightmare, and ended up acting out in your sleep," she said, talking to him as if he was a stubborn child.  "Unless you have some freakin' REM sleep disorder, that shouldn't happen often anyway.  I've probably punched one of my sisters once or twice during one of our sleepovers, and that didn't stop us from having them."  
  
He had to hand it to her, Ash really had a way of letting people know when she thought they were only being silly.  
  
"Okay, just not tonight.  I don't feel like going back to sleep yet," he replied, not wanting to risk plunging himself back into a similar nightmare.  They were supposed to spend the next two days traveling between systems anyway…  So he'd probably have time to catch some rest later.  
  
She hesitated for a moment, then finally nodded.  "Alright, good night then," she said, standing up and getting ready to go back to the crew's quarters, before stopping and turning back.  "Are you sure you won't just exhaust yourself and get another headache?" she asked, appearing once again worried.  
  
Kaidan laughed.  "I'll be fine Chief.  If I ever need a guardian angel, I promise I'll know where to look," he answered with a sincere smile, hoping that it would ease her concerns.  She gave him a small, tired smile, and finally walked away, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

 

* * *

  
  
It was around noon the next day when Kaidan noticed that he hadn't seen or heard anything from the Commander during the whole morning.  He'd asked Joker, Pressly, went down to the engineering deck and the shuttle bay; no one had seen him.  Ever since they'd returned from their mission on Ontarom, Shepard had apparently locked himself in his quarters, and had yet to come out.  That was almost twenty-four hours ago.  
  
He was ashamed to admit it, but his first reaction after that had been to sneak up into the med bay to check on Shepard's biometric readings in order to make sure that all of his vital signs were still active.  Physically he appeared to be fine, at least, if perhaps under a bit more stress than usual – which was perfectly understandable.  
  
He went back to the mess to grab a food tray and a bowl of hot chicken noodle soup - or, at least, a chicken _flavored_ noodle soup. They never quite knew what exactly was in the military rations being served to them.  He added a ham and cheese sandwich, a glass of veggie juice, and grabbed a protein shake he'd prepared earlier from the fridge before making his way towards Shepard's cabin.  Once he'd reached his destination, he held the tray with one hand and gently knocked on the door.  
  
"Shepard, it's Kaidan.  Can I come in?" he called, waiting for an answer.  
  
Shepard looked up from where he'd been sitting on the edge of his bed, eyes snapping over to the closed door at the sound of Kaidan's voice. He hadn't expected anyone to come check up on him, and he damn sure wasn't in a proper state to entertain the thought of face-to-face conversation with his crew. A small part of him wanted to tell Kaidan to go away, to come back later when he was of sounder mind. He wasn't ready. Nearly twenty-four hours locked in his room and he'd barely scraped together the pieces, let alone glued them all back together into a semblance of something unbroken. The last thing he needed was for someone – a crewmate, no less – to look close enough to see the cracks.  
  
He wasn't used to this. He was _supposed_ to have his past squared away. Sealed in a file, shoved in the back of a drawer, gathering dust in an abandoned corner of his mind. But, seeing Toombs again… he may as well have grabbed the filing cabinet and thrown it across the room with a resounding clatter. Everything was a mess, emotions and memories scattered like paperwork across the floor. And he didn't need Kaidan to walk in on him desperately scrambling to pick everything up again. That was a state of mind he couldn't afford to show anyone, especially not his subordinates who would be looking to him in respect, expecting guidance and leadership. Fighting with a risky leader was one thing; finding out he was damaged was another.  
  
 _No, God damn it, you're **not** damaged_. He couldn't afford to start thinking like that. Not again, not ever. And especially not when he had so much resting on his shoulders and dedicated crewmembers looking up to him. He had responsibilities and expectations that would always be there, no matter what his state of mind was. He'd just have to suck it up and keep moving.  
  
"Hold on," he called in the most stable tone he could manage, getting up and making quick, frenzied work of throwing the discarded sheets back across his bed and straightening out the stack of datapads scattered across his desk. He tried in vain to smooth the wrinkles out of his uniform. He hadn't changed since the day before, and had collapsed into bed still fully clothed that night. Not that it had done him any good to find sleep; he'd been roused by nightmares almost immediately and spent the rest of the night awake and aimless, sitting at his desk reading notes or just staring at the wall, trying to sort himself out. Not that Kaidan needed to know that. The dark patches under his eyes would give that away handily.  
  
He walked over to the door, fingers sliding across the control panel and allowing the door to slide open, bringing him face to face with Kaidan. "Need something, Lieutenant?"   
  
"You've been cooped up in here for a pretty long time, Commander," he said, taking in Shepard's appearance, while trying his best not to look like he was purposely staring at him.  If the bloodshot eyes and deep circles were any indication, he hadn't had much more success than he did in finding sleep last night.    
  
"Thought you might be hungry.  And, uh…  The mess is pretty crowded and noisy at this hour, you know?" he added, quickly stepping around Shepard to put the food tray on his desk before the other man had the chance to take it out of his hands, or block his access to his personal quarters.  
  
He knew that it was a pretty bold move, one that could easily get him into trouble.  Well, he _did_ initially ask if he could come in…  And he _could_ probably say that he had (mis)interpreted Shepard opening the door as an indication that his request had been granted.  
  
The food was only part of the reason he was here, of course.  The main reason was his desire to get a chance to talk to him.  See how the Commander was holding up, and if there was anything that he could do for him.  And, considering what Shepard had just been through, he didn't really feel like approaching him in a public place, where they could easily be interrupted by another crewmember.  
  
Now that he was here though, he didn't quite exactly know what to say.  He didn't want to pry…  But he couldn't leave the situation at that either.  He knew that the events of the last mission had hit Shepard pretty hard, and he simply wasn't able to let him face that kind of pain on his own.  No one should have to.  
  
"Ah… um. Thanks," Shepard murmured, watching him as he set the tray down on his desk – again, that small voice niggling in the back of his head told him that he'd be better off asking Kaidan to leave. He couldn't keep from feeling guilty for even considering it, however. Kaidan was clearly worried about his wellbeing, but as much as he wanted to appreciate it, he was in such a precarious mental state that he didn't know how long he'd be able to fake normalcy before something cracked. And he damn sure didn't want Kaidan staring at him when it happened.  
  
Shepard sunk down into a sitting position on the corner of his bed, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. He sighed heavily, before looking up at Kaidan and bracing himself for the inevitable. "I get the feeling my eating habits aren't the only thing that brought you here."  
  
"Yeah, I… uh…" _am standing way too tall and feeling mightily uncomfortable looking down at you like that._ And crouching right in front of him so that they would be at the same eye level might feel a little too confrontational…  The last thing that he wanted was for Shepard to feel trapped, or put on the spot.  He was already glad that he hadn't kicked him out of his quarters yet.  "Is it okay if I sit there?" he asked, motioning to the other corner of the bed.  
  
He waited for him to nod and quietly sat down next to him, keeping a respectable distance.  He angled his body so that he was half facing him, half facing away.  That way, Shepard would have the choice to either turn his head to look at him as they spoke, or stare at the wall or the ground in front of him.  Whichever felt more comfortable.  
  
"We didn't really get the chance to talk since…  Well…" he trailed off, running a hand through his hair and letting out a weary sigh.  There wasn't exactly an easy way to talk about it.  So he might as well just ask.  "I guess I just wanted to know how you were doing," he finally said, unable to hide the gentle concern in his voice.  
  
Shepard stared down at a spot on the floor between his feet, not quite sure if he was up for prolonged eye contact just yet. How could he answer that question? How _was_ he doing? Even he didn't have a proper answer. His emotions were so confused, jumbled together – even if he did have a good enough grasp on them, did he really want to share them? Sure, he trusted Kaidan, but… there was certain baggage that just didn't need to be opened in front of other people.  
  
These were feelings that he couldn't share. He'd spent so long hanging onto these kinds of emotions, thoughts that if given a voice would only confirm that they existed in the first place, something he wasn't ready to admit. Not out loud, and hardly to himself. His life had always been marked by suffering, pain, and death – his family on Mindoir, his squad on Akuze. People liked to call him a _survivor_ – always the last one standing amidst the rubble, when everyone else had fallen.  
  
He didn't feel like a survivor. He just felt lucky, like his survival had always been, and always would be some kind of a fluke. Like every breath he took, every bullet he dodged, every battle he walked away from was another step closer to the end, when Death would finally take hold of him and drag him under like it had failed to do so many times before. It clung to his back, breathing down his neck, waiting for the moment when his luck ran out and he finally let go.  
  
 _I can finally let go._  
  
He forced that thought process to a sputtering halt. _No_ , he was not going there. Especially not with Kaidan sitting there looking at him. And he damn sure wasn't going to say it out loud.  
  
He sighed again, reaching up and gently rubbing his temples with his fingertips, trying to will the thoughts away and clear his head enough to hold a proper conversation with the man sitting next to him. "I… I'm fine. A lot happened. I'm just trying to process everything right now."  
  
He lowered his hands, forcing himself to look at Kaidan to show that he was sincere. "I appreciate your concern, Lieutenant, but there's nothing to worry about."  
  
"You just found and lost one of your old squad mates in the same day under pretty disturbing circumstances, and you're telling me that there's nothing to worry about?"  Kaidan asked softly, not even bothering to hide the disbelief in his voice.  
  
Shepard's expression faltered, and he looked away again. "I've spent the past six years thinking – no, _knowing_ that Toombs was dead. I hadn't even fully grasped the fact that he was alive when he decided to put a bullet in his head. Now I find out that Akuze wasn't some kind of freak accident, but the group responsible has disappeared and I'm still the only one left," he began, but his resolve started to crack and his voice wavered. He stopped, pausing to take a shaky breath to steady himself before continuing. "I can deal with a little emotional turmoil now and then. I wouldn't be a good leader if I couldn't. So, no, you don't need to worry about me."  
  
"Okay," Kaidan said, obviously not convinced, yet somewhat satisfied that he'd at least succeeded in getting Shepard talking, if only a little.  "But after what I saw and heard yesterday, I just spent the last night either plagued by nightmares, or sitting in the mess…" he admitted, trying in his own way to let Shepard know that he didn't expect him to be the stoic leader under such circumstances.  "And I didn't even know the guy."  
  
"You _are_ a good and strong leader," he added, putting as much conviction as he could in his voice.  "But I'm not talking to you as my commanding officer right now, Shepard.  And we aren't on a battlefield."  At least, not a physical one, as Kaidan had no doubt that Shepard was probably fighting a very strong and very real internal battle.  
  
Shepard's eyes snapped over to Kaidan again, his expression concerned. He hadn't even stopped to think how seeing what happened might have affected his crew. He mentally kicked himself for not bothering to at least check on them. "You're having nightmares? Are _you_ okay?"  
  
"I'm angry and… disturbed and… disgusted…" Kaidan began, hoping that voicing his own feelings about the situation might encourage Shepard to do the same.  "I can't even _begin_ to understand what kind of human being would knowingly set a thresher maw upon a unit of fifty good men and women just to watch how it would react to them, stand by as they all get slaughtered, and then use one of the only survivors as a test subject," he said, his eyes flashing with barely contained rage.  
  
"Those Cerberus scientists that Toombs hunted down?  Well, they had it coming."  Kaidan had never been very big on vengeance and retribution, but as far as he was concerned, a line had been crossed here.  "And by their fault, we lost another good soldier."  
  
Shepard managed to keep the surprise off of his face as he watched Kaidan speak. He'd never seen him so angry, so unforgiving – they'd only spoken a few times, yes, but he'd always gotten this distinct impression from the other man that he was very calm, cool, and collected. He seemed like the kind who would require an incredibly hard push to even consider snapping. A nerve had been hit, and it had been hit hard.  
  
"Believe me, if I had known what had really happened..." Shepard began in a quiet voice, looking down at the ground again, twisting his hands in front of him. "It wouldn't have been Toombs holding a gun on that scientist." He flinched, expression hardening. "We lost too many good soldiers that day. And now we've lost one of them _again_. It's like… no matter what we do, we'll never get away from it. Not until…"  
  
He stopped speaking, however, realizing he was meandering into dangerous territory. He didn't need to voice those thoughts in front of _anyone_. He immediately veered the subject in a different direction. "I spoke with Hackett after the mission, and we're devoting resources to finding Cerberus. I just hope it's not too late, or else we might lose them for good."  
  
Kaidan nodded. "We'll find and stop them," he vowed. "If not now, once this whole thing with Saren and the geth is through."  He only hoped that they would both still be there to see it.  Better yet, be part of the team that would take them down.  
  
For a few moments, they sat there in silence, Kaidan playing with his hands a bit nervously, and willing himself to calm down.  "You know you're not alone, right?" he finally said quietly, looking back at Shepard.  "Toombs and…  all of the other soldiers that were lost…  They still live through you."  He took a deep breath, trying to find the right words. "You may always carry the pain and horrors of that day…  But you also share their memory, their strength and… courage."  
  
He sighed, feeling like he was back in his dream, surrounded by dark ghosts and shadows. "The fact that, against all odds, one of you is still standing is a victory in itself.  And worth fighting for."   _You are worth fighting for_ …  Kaidan thought, keeping that last part to himself for fear of how it would be interpreted.  
  
Shepard sighed heavily. "Yeah, that's what they told me when they handed me _that_ thing," he said bitterly, hooking a thumb towards the desk. Kaidan followed his line of sight, eyes falling on what looked like a picture frame perched on the back corner of the desktop. It was a small display board with what looked like a heart-shaped medallion pinned to it, hanging from a purple ribbon. "I let my entire unit die and they gave me a damn medal for it," he said, voice stained with derision. He shook his head, before standing up and crossing over to the desk to pick up the medal.  
  
"They said it was a miracle I made it out alive," he said, voice quiet as he stared down at the thing clutched in his hand, the dim light of his cabin glancing across the edge of the medal. His fingers clenched around it a little harder and his expression flattened out a bit, before he set it back down again. He turned back to Kaidan, expression hesitant for a long moment, before he reached down and un-tucked his shirt from the belt of his fatigues. He lifted his shirt just enough to bare his stomach and sides, and it was then that Kaidan could see what looked like a massive, dark splash of scar tissue covering his entire right side, stretching up his ribcage and curling around the side of his stomach.  
  
"I was hit by maw acid while I was running. The doctors said I was lucky I survived – I barely made it through the surgeries when they finally got me to a treatment facility," he explained, expression hardening as he looked down at the scarring. He dropped his shirt to cover the scar once again, before reaching over and turning the medal over on its face so he could no longer see it. "At least I can hide the medal. Hell, I could throw it away if I felt so inclined. But this scar will always be here. I'll always look at it and wonder why they died and I didn't."  
  
He closed his eyes, breathing in slowly, before releasing it and looking at Kaidan again. "I try to tell myself that all of my strength, all of my courage, comes from them. Maybe it does. Better than running on empty rage, I guess. Would I still be the same person if Akuze hadn't happened? I don't know. But I don't want my losses to define me."

As Kaidan had let his eyes travel over Shepard's scar, he'd been careful to keep his expression open and neutral.  The last thing he wanted was for him to believe that the sight of it repulsed him, or worse, inspired his pity.  Neither of which was true.  His hand had absentmindedly traveled to his lips though, feeling the two fine lines there that he'd been told were barely visible, but were always the first thing that he would see whenever he stared back at his own reflection in the mirror.  
  
Every soldier had scars…  It was unlikely for anyone to be able to fight without coming back with a few scrapes and cuts, or even a bullet wound or two if they'd been unlucky.  Bruised and torn skin would heal, leaving marks that became fast forgotten.  Krogans found scars sexy; especially those earned in battle.  For him, most of them were simply part of the job.  
  
But there were a few exceptions.  A lip split open after a well-placed punch, the edge of a knife briefly resting across his face, prompting him to break loose.  A constant reminder of the first life he'd ever taken, and of what had been lost in the aftermath…  Yeah, some scars were definitely harder to forget about than others; especially those that couldn't be seen with the naked eye.  As impressive as that large healed burn on Shepard's skin was, he was much more concerned with the pain that had been dealt within.  
  
He waited for his Commander to finish talking, listening attentively to his words, before standing up and walking over to him. He stopped at arm's length, gently holding his gaze.  
  
"Your losses don't have to define you, Shepard," he said, eyes soft and filled with a gentle understanding.  "But your past experiences will inevitably influence the choices you make, and provide opportunity for growth."  Kaidan did believe that certain events did play a role in shaping the person that someone was likely to become, but that wasn't all there was to it.  
  
"Another person put in exactly the same situation as yours would probably have reacted very differently to it, and evolved in another direction.  There's a huge difference between who you are, and what you do."  
  
Shepard looked back at him for a long moment, before his gaze averted to the side, barely able to contain the look of embarrassment threatening to cross his face. He'd lost himself for a moment there, forgetting that he and Kaidan barely knew each other – he hadn't shown his scar to anyone else in years, and here he was, baring it and much of his inner thoughts for his Lieutenant to see. He wasn't sure if it was because he was just in a fragile mental state and looking to cling to the first person who might offer him a shoulder – but, no, that wasn't like him. When things got rough, he had himself and no one else, and that was always the way he'd preferred it. It was far easier to just sit in his cabin, isolated, using the quiet and solitude as a means of sorting through his thoughts and emotions and organizing whatever mess he'd managed to stir up.  
  
No, there was something about Kaidan, about his honesty and his calm demeanor, the way he looked at someone to show that he was listening and he cared – it made him suddenly want to spill his guts, thinking that maybe he'd found someone who wouldn't judge him or offer him hollow pity. He'd had enough of that to last a lifetime. The fact alone that Kaidan had looked at the scar on his side and _hadn't_ gotten that typical wide-eyed, gaping look of mixed pity and disgust… that was enough for him.  
  
"I… you're right," Shepard finally conceded, reaching down and tucking his shirt back into his belt, still trying not to look embarrassed. "I'm sorry if I've made you uncomfortable. You have to understand that I'm not used to speaking about these kinds of things with other people."  
  
"You're not making me uncomfortable, Shepard," Kaidan said sincerely, thinking that it was actually quite the opposite.  He hadn't felt as comfortable around anyone since a very long time…  Except perhaps with Jenkins, but that was entirely different.  As good a friend as Richard had been, he'd never been tempted to get onto more serious or personal matters in the times they'd spent together.  
  
Jenkins was this funny, exuberant guy that accepted people for who they were, and found ways to bring out the best in them whenever he was around.  The type of person that simply loved everyone and that everyone ended up appreciating in return.  They felt good and generally ended up having a great time whenever he was around, forgetting all about their worries…  
  
But he wasn't the type of person that Kaidan would have felt comfortable confiding in.  It was a bit like trying to compare a bubbly glass of champagne to a warm cup of hot chocolate.  One of them was very exciting and went straight to your head, leaving you a bit dizzy.  While the other was familiar, soothing, and comforting, making you feel safe and appeased.  
  
And there was something about the whole situation that truly bothered him.  Udina, the Council, even the Alliance up to a certain point…  They all seemed to have very high and strong expectations regarding what Shepard would or should be able to accomplish, but none of them appeared to really be ready to commit to him in return.  
  
It was one of these typical political situations where he could easily see them take credit for his successes as long as everything ran smoothly.  But the moment that Shepard would be faced with making controversial or difficult choices that might make them look bad, they could easily find a way to prove that he was only acting on his own volition.  
  
Shepard, on the other hand, appeared to be very quick to feel responsible for everything that either went right or wrong in a mission.  A strong sense of accountability was something that Kaidan had always admired and respected in a leader, but in Shepard's case, he feared that someone could try to take advantage of it.  Now probably wasn't really the time to discuss it, though.  
  
Still, that only reinforced the desire that he had to make sure that Shepard would be able to receive all the support that he might need.  
  
"Considering that we're deep in space and facing some pretty crazy odds half the time, I thought that you might appreciate being able to take off the uniform and have a friend to talk to once in a while."  
  
His eyes went wide as he realized what he'd just said, and he quickly amended the statement. "As in being able to just be yourself and relax when you aren't in a situation that requires your leadership.  I wasn't referring to your actual clothes." Even though Shepard had just lifted his shirt to show him the scar, and that was okay too.   _Oh, just shoot me!_  
  
Shepard snorted with barely contained laughter – the embarrassed look on Kaidan's face was enough to make him cut it out, however, forcing on a straight face. Laughing at him wasn't going to help the situation any. But it was kind of nice, being able to laugh with someone else when a few hours ago he'd been sitting on his bed in isolation and struggling with heavy thoughts and painful memories.  
  
"I know what you meant, Kaidan," he said with a soft grin, before looking down with a slight chuckle. "And I appreciate it, really. It's… good to have a friend to lean on every once in a while."  
  
Kaidan smiled back at him, relieved to see that Shepard seemed to have found his little blunder amusing.  It sure beat the alternative.  "Anytime, Shepard," he said, before the low grumble coming from the Commander's stomach reminded him of the other reason why he'd first came here.  
  
"But really, I should probably let you eat now, or else the soup will be cold," he added with a little laugh; then hesitated, not wanting to sound like he was trying to get rid of him.  "Of course I can also stay here while you do, if you'd like."  
  
Shepard laughed again, before turning the chair at his desk and sitting down, dragging the food tray closer. "Well, I'm not exercising my Commander status right now, so I'm not going to order you to do anything. But you're free to stay if you like; I won't ask you to leave," he said with a soft smile, before picking up the protein drink Kaidan had brought with the meal and uncapping it. He seemed to brace himself as he lifted it to his lips, but a surprised look crossed his face once he'd actually gotten a taste of it. "Okay, Lieutenant, I've got to ask. The only time these things taste any good is when you bring them to me. I thought the Alliance might've changed their recipe but the ones in the mess still taste like ass. What's your secret?"  
  
Kaidan laughed, sitting on the edge of the bed, happy to be allowed to stay a while longer.   _Yeah…  That._   "I'm an only child," he began explaining. "While my father is this very calm and collected ex-Alliance officer, people that don't know him might even call him distant or stoic…  My mom is actually a very warm, caring and nurturing person…  if sometimes a bit overprotective."  
  
The slightly confused look and raised eyebrow let him know that Shepard didn't quite understand his current line of thoughts.  "So anyway, when I first joined the Alliance military, I sort of ended up mentioning in one of my emails that the protein shakes that they had the biotics drink here were disgusting," he continued, "Next thing you know, mom sends me a crate filled with all types of different flavored powder samples, with a little note telling me to choose my favorite and contact her afterwards, so she could send more."  
  
"Strawberry, chocolate, maple, and blueberry were good…  Watermelon just made the whole thing even more disgusting," he said with a little wince.  "But I find that the butterscotch and coffee flavor is the one that better masks the shake's bitterness and general uh… 'ass taste.'" he said, reusing Shepard's own rather colorful terms with an amused smile.  
  
"So yeah, it's been almost ten years since; but, each time I'm serving on a ship, mom still regularly checks its docking schedule to make sure that I don't run out of the stuff.  At first I found it a bit embarrassing, but now I figure that it just makes her feel like she's helping me out in her own way."  He could only imagine how difficult it must be for her to be forced to wait on the sidelines while her son ships out to go fight and/or try to resolve some conflict, just as she had done with her husband before.  
  
"I could keep fixing them for you if you'd like," he offered. "I think that our diet requirements are pretty similar, and preparing one or two portions at the same time is not much more trouble…  Besides, mom would probably get a complete kick out of knowing that she's also making life easier for the first human Spectre." Hopefully she wouldn't start sending Shepard sweaters, too.  
  
Shepard chuckled, pausing to take another swig of the drink, savoring the taste for a moment. "Damn, you're right. It doesn't even taste like the same thing," he said, before throwing a sheepish grin in his direction. "I'd really appreciate that, actually. Thank you."  
  
He leaned back in his chair, angling it to better face Kaidan, before he reached over and picked up the sandwich. He took a bite out of it - though he didn't make anywhere near as pleased of a face at the taste, chewing thoughtfully and swallowing. "Your file said you're from Vancouver. What's it like there?"  
  
Kaidan shrugged.  "It's a nice city, I guess," he said, trying to figure out what Shepard might find interesting.  "Depends what you're looking for…  Personally, I tend to enjoy the quiet and the great outdoors. Go skiing once in a while, enjoy a long walk in Stanley Park, or just relax at my parents' apartment."  Yeah, he probably wasn't exactly the most exciting friend to have around.  
  
"I uh… tend to stay away from crowds and most of the big city life.  The headaches often get worse when there's too much happening.  But I know there are some good restaurants and plenty of entertainment," he offered, hoping that he didn't sound too boring.  
  
"Hm. I think you would have liked Mindoir," Shepard replied, a slight smile working across his lips. "It was very quiet, kind of a personal place. Not a lot of hustle and bustle, you know? Beautiful forests, lots of farmland. No snow for skiing, unfortunately, but it didn't lack for outdoor activity."  
  
He looked down at the sandwich in his hand, expression flickering to something unreadable for a moment before he looked up at Kaidan again, concern crossing his features. "You said you get headaches. Is it because of your implant? You're an L2, right?"  
  
In retrospect that question was a bit stupid, Shepard realized – he already knew that Kaidan was an L2, along with everyone else on the Normandy. He'd read it in his file, before he'd even met the man. He also knew a little bit about the physical side effects associated with his implant, though that information was bare minimum. Just a short bulleted checklist, one or two words to each bullet point. Nothing about his functionality or how common said side effects were, however – just a footnote recommending he serve on ships with physicians trained to take care of biotics. And considering the fact that the Normandy had two biotics – at least, until Liara and Wrex had come aboard – that hadn't been a problem.   
  
Maybe he just wanted to hear it from Kaidan himself. Bulleted checklists only revealed so much, and a wall of text hardly had the same perspective as the soldier it was being written about. Letters didn't have experience or opinions. People did. And honestly, if Kaidan had to deal with these kinds of things on a daily basis, he'd rather hear his take on it – not what his file had to say about it.  
  
Kaidan shot him a brief surprised look.  "Yeah, I was among the first to receive the L2 implant," he confirmed.  Somehow, he'd always assumed that Shepard knew for sure, and had been briefed by either Dr. Chakwas or someone else on the ship regarding the complications that he was suffering as a result of it.  Actually, that probably explained why he'd suggested that Dr. Chakwas check up on him when he'd mentioned having a flare-up the other day.  It's not that Shepard didn't trust him to take care of himself; simply that he hadn't known that it was a pretty common occurrence for him.  He'd just been too quick to jump to conclusions.  
  
"I guess we're pretty rare now considering that most of us either chose to get an L3 retrofit, or ended up with serious physical and mental disabilities." _Or dead_ , he thought sadly, not really wanting to get into the more gruesome details of Conatix's early "experiments" and turn the whole conversation into a huge sob story.  
  
"So far, I've been lucky.  I only get occasional severe migraines; the Alliance always makes sure that there's a doctor on site that knows how to monitor L2 implants, and check for any sign of deterioration or complication whenever I get a new assignment," he said, not wanting Shepard to start worrying about his health problems possibly getting in the way of his ability to perform his duty.  
  
"My condition's pretty much been stable over the last ten years, and Chakwas is one of the best.  She probably knows my head better than I do by now."  
  
"It must've been rough being one of the first L2s," Shepard said, leaning forward in his chair a bit, elbows resting on his knees, genuine concern crossing his face. "Was it bad when you first got your implant?"   
  
This was unfamiliar territory for Shepard. Truth be told he was downright lucky in comparison to most of the biotics around his age group; he'd been fitted with an L3 implant, and despite not getting it until much later than most of his kind, he'd taken to it just fine. No complications whatsoever. Maybe a few headaches and strained muscles the first few times he'd tried to use his powers, but those passed quickly with training and time. Now the only thing he had to worry about was keeping the amp port situated at the base of his skull properly taken care of, and that was small change in comparison to what most L2s had to deal with.  
  
If anything, he owed a lot to the L2s that came before him. The improvements made in the subsequent L3 implants were made based on trial and error, using the L2 implants as examples of what to expect and what needed to be changed. So it was because of people like Kaidan's suffering that Shepard had a working implant, period. There were hundreds of L2s out there dealing with everything from migraines to crippling insanity, while L3 biotics like Shepard were bitching if they got an infection around their amp jack. It really put things in perspective, he realized.  
  
"It took some time to adapt to it," Kaidan admitted.  "At first, the Conatix scientists used to tell us that the side effects were a normal part of the integration process, and would disappear in time.  So they basically encouraged us to train harder in order to get used to the implant faster."  
  
A pained look crossed his features as he remembered the result of these ill-advised recommendations.  "Of course, that only ended putting too much strain on the implants that were already not quite functioning properly, and making some of the damages permanent instead."  
  
The most frustrating part in all of this was that, while Conatix had been forced to fold after the BAaT program was shut down, they'd never really had to face any serious charges.  And now, many biotic extremists preferred to hold the Alliance directly responsible instead.  He couldn't deny that the Alliance had made mistakes; giving so much power to a private company without proper supervision probably being the biggest of them.  
  
But for all their faults, the Alliance had thankfully learned from those mistakes, and come up with more viable solutions like the Ascension Project.  He knew that it would never make up for what many of the less fortunate L2s had suffered…  But seeking revenge for the past by attacking an organization that now held strong ethical standards regarding how biotics should be treated seemed a bit senseless.  Though it was true that not all of them had managed to stay sane, unfortunately; many of which now needed to be stopped before they could bring harm to themselves or others.  
  
"So I guess the hardest part was watching what some of the other kids ended up having to go through…  Like I said, I got lucky.  I've learned to identify what generally triggers the headaches, and avoid it whenever possible.  There's also a few things that I can do to get some relief…  Ash's head massage last night was surprisingly effective."  
  
"Well well, I'm glad to hear Chief Williams is helping you out," Shepard said, the barest hint of a grin playing across his lips. He could tell that talking about Conatix was a painful memory for the Lieutenant, so he took the opportunity for the subject change the moment it presented itself. As curious as he was, he wasn't going to push the matter when it was clear that it was making him uncomfortable. He couldn't even imagine how painful it must have been for Kaidan – simultaneously dealing with his own side effects and watching the kids around him fare the same, if not worse. But rather than feeling pity for him, he was overcome with a new sense of respect for the Lieutenant. It must have taken an inordinate amount of bravery and strength to overcome that kind of pain, both physically and psychologically.  
  
He looked down at the barely eaten sandwich still clutched in his hand, mulling it over for a moment before he finally looked up again. "Lieutenant, I admire you," he said abruptly, before a somewhat awkward look crossed his face when he realized he'd said it out loud. He scrambled to clarify, realizing how odd the comment sounded out of context. "When I think about the other L2s I've heard about, a part of me feels sorry for them… They've taken all of their pain and suffering and turned it into revenge against the people that are trying to help them. But you're different. You've taken the pain you went through and moved on, using it to become stronger and to do good things. And I admire that."  
  
"I, uh…  Thanks, Shepard," Kaidan said, averting his eyes for a moment and feeling the heat rushing to his neck, hoping that it wouldn't get all the way to his cheeks.  If he was blushing, Shepard at least had the kindness not to comment on it.  
  
"I did get some help, though," he clarified, taking the opportunity to remind the Commander that no one should be expected to face all of their problems on their own.  "Without it, I probably wouldn't be where I am today."   _Or anywhere at all…_  
  
Amusement twitched at the corners of Shepard's mouth, but he was gracious enough not to laugh. He hadn't realized how easy it was to get Kaidan flustered, but the Lieutenant was already blushing. He must not have been used to receiving such personal compliments from a superior officer. That seemed the most likely explanation; most of the Commanders that Shepard had served with during his early Alliance career were hard-asses who were far more likely to yell at him for looking at them funny than lend him kind words and company. Though that wasn't to say that Shepard was all compliments and coddling; he knew when to crack the whip when it was required of him. But the Normandy had a good crew, and considering the heavy nature of their current mission… He was perfectly fine with holding back so long as everyone kept their heads in the game. And with the dangers they were soon to face, the least he could do was lend an ear and a few kind words to the people he expected to follow him into battle.  
  
"Yeah, I—" Shepard was cut off, however, when his omnitool suddenly flashed to life and began beeping, the shrill noise cutting through the relative silence of the room. He tapped the interface to stop the sound, bringing up the message window and sweeping his eyes over it. He gave a soft curse, before deactivating the glowing orange interface. "Sorry, Lieutenant, duty calls. Hackett's waiting on vid-comm."  
  
He got to his feet, pausing long enough to down most of the protein shake and take a few more bites of the sandwich – he left the rest for later, though by how much he couldn't be sure. He paused before he could bolt out of the room, however, turning back to Kaidan. "And… thank you. For everything."  
  
Kaidan nodded and smiled back at him.  "When you've got time later today or tomorrow, come find me. There's something else I'd like to talk to you about," he said quickly, not wanting to be responsible for having kept Admiral Hackett waiting.  
  
Shepard gave him a quick nod, before the door slid shut behind him.  
  


 

* * *

  
  
The rest of the day was refreshingly uneventful.  Enough so that Kaidan had found the time to get back to the crew's quarters and catch up a few hours of the sleep he'd missed earlier.  Thankfully, there had been no nightmares this time around.  
  
He'd then spent the rest of the afternoon completing his regular duties and training with Liara in the storage area.  It had been a very... interesting experience, to say the least. Liara had insisted on trying to teach him how to create and maintain a biotic singularity.  As a result he'd managed to lift and throw a bunch of empty crates simultaneously in opposite directions; but, try as he might, he couldn't manage to conjure up that dark energy sphere and gravitational pull.  
  
The harder he tried, the faster the crates flew instead, forcing the young asari to maintain a dark energy field around them in order to avoid getting hit by them.  And the more frustrated he was getting with his failed attempts, the more fun Liara seemed to be getting out of it.  Apparently, it reminded her of her own early training days.  They'd eventually had to stop when they'd started running out of crates, and the exhaustion had begun settling in.  
  
Kaidan had to admit that he had enjoyed it…  Being able to relax and cut loose on his powers a little bit, while Liara had ensured that no one got hurt.  
  
He'd taken a long and warm shower afterwards, trying to soothe the tension and weariness in his muscles.  He'd then put on a pair of blue sweatpants and a loose white t-shirt, coming out of the men's restroom while trying to rub the excess water out of his hair.  
  
Catching sight of Shepard making his way towards the mess, he immediately dropped the towel on his shoulders and sprinted towards him, his bare feet making a slight smacking sound on the floor.  So much for being discreet.    
  
As Shepard turned around, probably having heard him running, he offered him a warm smile and stopped right in front of him, completely oblivious to the water still dropping from his disheveled hair, a few loose strands sticking to his forehead.  
  
"Do you have time to talk now, Commander?" he asked – though it suddenly occurred to him that it was getting pretty late, and that most of the crew had already retired to their sleeping quarters.  Considering that Shepard obviously hadn't slept very well the night before, either, he realized he should probably just excuse himself and let him go…  
  
Shepard stared at him for a moment longer than he probably should have, in retrospect. He'd become so accustomed to seeing the other man with his hair in the same style, slicked back out of his face, that it took him a few embarrassing seconds to recognize him at all. His black hair was tangled and damp and swept across his forehead, and Shepard realized that it had to have been at least an inch longer than regulation cut. Not that he cared, really.  
  
 _Oh, hell. His shirt is see-through._ Shepard kept his eyes averted upwards, stifling the awkward look that threatened to cross his face when he realized that Kaidan was still damp from having showered, and that his white t-shirt was doing a fantastic job of sticking to his skin like wet paper.  
  
"Uh… Of course," he managed, correcting himself as best he could without looking too much like he was staring. He covered quickly, walking over to the table in the mess and pulling out a chair, the legs scraping across the steel floor. "Have a seat," he said, gesturing to the chair across from him before he sat down, crossing his arms on the tabletop in front of him. "What's up, Lieutenant?"  
  
"If it's a bad time or you're feeling tired, we could always talk tomorrow," he offered, still sitting down nevertheless.  Shepard had looked kind of uneasy and distracted for a few moments there, and Kaidan was afraid that it was because he didn't want to be impolite and turn him down.  Lower deck rumors said that Hackett had asked him to go investigate a geth incursion in the Armstrong Nebula, since they were already close by.  He probably had a lot on his plate already.  
  
Shepard quickly shook his head – maybe a little more quickly than he should have, but still. "No, no. Now is fine. We're going to be in the Armstrong Nebula by morning hours so this is about the only time to talk," he said with a crooked smile. "So shoot. What's on your mind?"  
  
"Uh…  Okay," Kaidan said, hesitating for a second there.  From looking a bit uncomfortable a few moments earlier, Shepard now seemed very eager to have this conversation.  Not that it didn't please him!  On the contrary, he was really glad that the Commander was willing to devote some more of his time to him.  
  
He also realized that he probably should have rehearsed what he was going to say before getting there.  Somehow "the lack of support we are receiving from higher-ups is making me worried that they might end up taking advantage of your trust, and letting you carry the entire responsibility for some of the tough calls that we might be forced to make in order to fulfill our mission" didn't sound quite right, and could be interpreted as a lack of trust in his leadership abilities.  
  
And that was the last thing that he wanted Shepard to think.  He had complete faith in his judgment, and had seen enough to know that the Commander was the kind of person that always tried to do the right thing.  He was also under the impression that he had a tendency to be unable to say no to people asking for his help, and a willingness to sacrifice himself if need be…  And that worried him.  
  
He trusted Shepard, but ultimately, he just didn't trust other people's intentions towards him.  The Council, the Ambassador…  Even the Alliance.  They all had a public image to uphold and their people's trust to maintain.  Letting someone like Shepard take the fall if things went horribly wrong along the way might be a lot more tempting than openly admitting their own mistakes.  
  
"We've played it pretty close to the book so far.  But we're a long way from backup," he finally began to say, hoping that it wouldn't sound too bad. "We've got some tough calls to make.  I'm just saying, try to leave yourself a way out.  I've seen what cutting corners can do and I'd hate to have that happen to you, Shepard."    
  
He looked down at his hands, fidgeting a bit nervously with his fingers.  "I-I don't want to send any bad signals.  Just… uh… working on what I've picked up.  You tell me if I'm going too far."  
  
Shepard's brows knitted in worry – he couldn't quite tell what Kaidan's angle was just yet, but it was clear something was perturbing him. Being completely open and honest with a superior officer was obviously still a foreign concept for him, and no amount of insistence on Shepard's part was going to make that awkward discomfort go away just yet. "You have an issue with how things are going?" he asked, posture straightening somewhat to show that the Lieutenant had his full attention.   
  
"I'm not questioning any decision you've made, Shepard.  Let me be clear about that," he said, hoping that his Commander would believe him.  Especially after everything that Shepard had been through.  "It's just my experience that once someone lets something slide, it tends to pick up speed.  You get my meaning?"  Yeah, because he really had the feeling that he was being incredibly clear right now.  
  
"Talk to me, Kaidan," Shepard said, keeping his tone open and welcoming, in hopes that he might be able to get the Lieutenant to relax a bit. He really wished he would just come right out and say what he needed to say. He didn't care if it was "insubordinate" – if that's what Kaidan really thought, he wanted to know. Truth was always more important than respect, no matter how critical. "You've got a little black raincloud sitting over your head."  
  
Kaidan had to chuckle a bit at that, especially considering that he was probably still looking a little drenched from his earlier shower.  "I'll try to keep the deck dry," he said with a small lopsided grin, his amusement twinkling in his eyes; then grew serious again.  The best way to illustrate his thoughts was probably to come up with a concrete example.  
  
Unfortunately, the only one he had in mind right now was a bit on the personal side…  To tell the truth, he didn't even know if he was still supposed to be openly talking about this.  It was meant to be classified information, after all.  But he supposed that Shepard did have full Spectre clearance status in Council space, and he would keep what he was going to say to himself.  At least, he trusted him as much.  
  
"You know the records about the biotic training out on Jump Zero?" he said, waiting for Shepard to give him a little nod before continuing.  "They're all classified. Because the Alliance… made mistakes." He sighed, running a hand through his damp hair.  "After First Contact, Conatix was set up to track element zero exposures and develop implants for humans.  Once we had an embassy on the Citadel, Conatix could bring in 'experts' instead of taking it slow."  
  
Shepard frowned a bit – he wasn't as well versed in the history of biotics, which was a little bit embarrassing considering the fact that he was one. He knew the basic political mumbo-jumbo and the information that anyone with an extranet connection could look up, but there were specifics that he just hadn't ever bothered to learn considering how sudden and unwelcome his powers had been. He'd never really made it a point to learn it all because it had never really concerned him. Kaidan, on the other hand, was obviously very intimate with the system, unlike Shepard. He got the distinct impression he was in for a history lesson. "Is there some reason we couldn't learn it on our own?"  
  
"They didn't know where to start," Kaidan said with a sigh.  "Hell, it took a couple of years to even link biotics and eezo."  Once they did, they hadn't wasted time, though.  "Forget trying to get the kids to move stuff.  They had trouble just helping them not break their own limbs."  He supposed that this whole mess _had_ begun with good intentions…  Even if those good intentions had quickly flown out the window the minute the company had decided that what mattered most was getting strong results to show the full potential of their implants, and inflate their profits.  "And their choice of teachers didn't help much," he added, a slightly troubled look crossing his features.  
  
It wasn't hard for Shepard to put two and two together. "The only experts would have to be alien," he said, voice quiet. Why try to learn it themselves when they had a multitude of alien species who had firsthand experience? Though judging by the somber tone and the look on Kaidan's face, that decision clearly hadn't gone over very well. This story was quite a bit deeper than he was letting on, but Shepard knew better than to push him.  
  
"Dead on," Kaidan said with a nod.  "Turians, actually.  That's why Conatix kept it a secret.  They were afraid of what people back home would think.  Asking the turians for help when we'd just fought a war with them."  
  
Shepard's eyebrows shot upwards in surprise. He wasn't sure what was more shocking – the idea that they had gone to the turians right after the war, or that there were turian biotics, period. In the years he'd travelled, serving with the Alliance and coming into contact with all sorts of aliens, he had yet to see a turian with biotic abilities. He had always just assumed that they didn't exist. "The asari would have been more acceptable than the turians," he finally said, confusion lacing his words. Asari were born with biotic abilities and spent their entire lives honing them. They knew far more about those abilities than any known race in the galaxy, as far as they were aware – so why the hell would the Alliance turn to a minority like the turians?  
  
"Yes, but the company didn't go through the Citadel.  It would have made Earth look weak," Kaidan answered, remembering how important it had been for humanity back then to try to prove that they could hold their own.  In many ways, it still was, but they weren't as desperate to do so.  "So they discreetly hired some turian mercenaries."  
  
The surprised look on Shepard's face came back. _Mercenaries?_ Teaching _kids?_ He didn't see a happy ending for this story. He wasn't going to make any assumptions, however – it was up to Kaidan to share that with him if he deemed it necessary. "Get your knuckles rapped a few times, Lieutenant?"  
  
He realized in retrospect how insensitive he sounded, but he didn't feel the need to outright ask him what had gone wrong. A small part of him hoped that things hadn't been as bad as they suddenly seemed now that he was piecing it together. But judging by the look on Kaidan's face, that hoping wasn't going to get him a positive answer.  
  
"Yeah, you could say that," Kaidan said sadly…  If only things had been that easy.  
  
"Our instructor was a turian by the name of Commander Vyrnnus.  When he introduced himself he liked to say ' _I was at the helm of the dreadnought that killed your father_ ,'" he said, doing his best impression of the turian's accent, realizing at the same time that old habits were hard to break.  The kids back then had enjoyed mocking Vyrnnus when they were sure that no one was listening.  That was pretty much the only revenge that they could get on their tormentor; trying to act as if he was some comical fool, instead of the guy that enjoyed putting them through hell on a daily basis, going as far as using thirst and hunger as incentives.  Even to this day, it appeared that doing so brought him an odd sense of comfort.  
  
"I told him my dad wasn't in the war – he'd retired to Vancouver.  My family had an inland home that matured to new beachfront," he explained quietly. "Vyrnnus had it in for me after that.  He cut corners; pushed hard.  I mean, you either came out a Superman, or a wreck.  And a lot of kids snapped," he said, doing his best to keep most of the pain out of his voice. "A few died," he finally added shakily, remembering how lost and scared he'd felt each time that he'd learned about one more of his comrades dying either as a result of an overworked implant, heart failure, or some other type of physical problem arising from the fact that they hadn't had access to the required amount of water and nourishment.  Or then again, from giving in to despair after being cut off from their homes, with no way to call for help.  Seeing death as the only means of escape.  
  
Shepard watched him as he spoke, looking for the telling signs – expression turned downwards, brow knitting, corners of his mouth turning downwards in a subtle frown, fingers clenching into fists against the tabletop. He couldn't imagine how scared he must have been, trapped in a situation like that. Unable to call for help, watching as his friends died and wondering if he was going to be next. He felt his heart going out to him – he had an idea of what that felt like, watching the people around him die and not being able to do anything about it. Sitting on the edge and staring into the abyss, scared and wondering if he'd be the next to tip forwards. "Did he ever face charges for that?" he asked quietly, leaning forward on his elbows and finding himself hoping that there was a happy answer to _that_ question.  
  
Kaidan's expression tensed ever so slightly.  "He got his, yeah.  But like everything else at Jump Zero, it was under the table.  The less said, the better."  And sometimes, he had to wonder if that hadn't been worse…  With Vyrnnus' death, the Turian Hierarchy had insisted that the whole incident be kept a secret; claiming that making it public would only serve to damage human/turian relations, and that sullying one of their own people's reputation following his death would serve no purpose.  
  
As a result, he'd always felt that many of Vyrnnus' surviving victims had lacked something essential to be able to make peace with what had happened to them, and move on.  Without any public acknowledgement from the Alliance for what they had suffered, without open recognition of the crimes that they had been subjected to, many of them had never found any sense of closure.  
  
And even though he'd eventually had come to terms with that, Kaidan had always felt that it had been his fault.  That ultimately, he'd not only had Vyrnnus' blood on his hands, but some of his friends' as well.  
  
He took a deep breath, trying to push those thoughts away.  It was beside the point anyway, and Shepard already had enough problems to deal with.  
  
"The point of all this I guess, is if you cut corners, it's not always obvious who pays for it."  
  
Shepard got the distinct feeling that there was a lot more to this speech than just a history lesson on Jump Zero. "So why are you telling me this?" he asked, pinning Kaidan with a knowing look. It was obvious he wanted to come right out and say something to him, but was trying to do so in a roundabout way – probably as a means of trying to speak his mind without directly antagonizing his Commander.  "Are you saying I'm cutting corners somewhere?"  
  
He kept his voice from sounding accusatory. While no superior really enjoyed being told by their subordinates that they were doing something wrong, he was at least open minded enough to accept all forms of criticism. He hoped that was clear to Kaidan, because the last thing he needed was for his crew to have to beat around the bush to deliver their opinions.  
  
His first instinct was to shake his head no and try to defend himself from ever having thought something like that, but Kaidan quickly realized that Shepard didn't appear to be insulted, or even on the defensive.  He was only trying to understand, and he couldn't help but think that he probably wasn't making much sense right now.  
  
"I'm saying…" he said, pausing to choose his words carefully, "…it's probably inevitable that we'll have to.  And when that happens, I want to help you."  If Shepard was ever forced to make some choices that ended up costing him more than it should, he didn't want him to have to carry the burden of those decisions on his own.  Not if there was anything that he could have done to protect or support him.  
  
"When someone important to you is on a ledge, you help them," he added, eyes soft, and looking back at Shepard meaningfully.  "Try to keep them from making mistakes..." … _and give them something solid to hold on to and steady themselves, or at the very least get a safety net ready to catch them if they should fall._  
  
Shepard stared at him for a moment, expression indiscernible. "Important, huh?" he managed to ask, lips quirking into a somewhat awkward smirk. He tried to keep his tone lighthearted and teasing, but it was difficult when he suddenly had a lump caught in his throat.  
  
He felt weird. Like someone had reached inside of him and grabbed his stomach and given it a good twist. He didn't know why; he just knew that it felt uncomfortable but not entirely unpleasant. And the look on Kaidan's face, that gentle understanding in his eyes – he knew he wasn't just saying it for the sake of saying it. He meant it. And Shepard didn't know what to think about that.  
  
"I care about you, Shepard," Kaidan admitted sincerely, somewhat surprised to hear himself say it.  The words had been out of his mouth before he could think about whether or not it was an appropriate thing to tell his superior officer.  But it was true; he did care about him.  A lot.  The more they got to know each other, the more Kaidan felt his appreciation and respect for the other man grow.  Shepard made him feel safe and accepted, and he was grateful for it.  So, in hindsight, there probably wasn't much harm in telling him that his friendship was important to him, and that he had his back.  
  
"The mission's already pretty tough and likely to get worse.  I'd like to make things easier, if I can," he added, trying to let him know that he could always count on him.  "Just… think about what I said."  
  
"I will. And… thank you, Kaidan. I appreciate how open you've been with me," Shepard said with a slight smile, still fighting with the awkward feeling settling in the pit of his gut. This was perfectly normal, right? He'd always tried to make a habit of becoming at least somewhat familiar with his crew, but… this was the first time someone had come out and told him he was _important_ to them. A small part of him wanted to feel giddy, like a little kid who had just been told that he had a best friend. He wasn't used to that feeling.  
  
But then the reality would crash down on his shoulders and he'd remember the setting, remember who he was and what they were up against – and the inevitability that friendship in the military was never guaranteed to be permanent. Every battle was a chance that one – or both – of them wouldn't make it back alive. That was something he had to be ready to accept at all times, regardless of whether or not he considered the men and women following his orders to be his friends or just teammates, business as usual. But that wouldn't stop him from enjoying it while it was still there… even if it made the idea of loss that much more unbearable.  
  
It was a long time before Shepard would even consider the idea of friendship with his subordinates. He'd lost so many teammates on Akuze, many of them as close to him as he felt to Kaidan right then. The downward spiral following the disaster had been painful, dark, never-ending – and a part of him realized that if he hadn't been so close to those men and women, maybe he could have walked away unscathed. Moved on, gotten past the trauma and the fear and the loss.   
  
He'd isolated himself after that, keeping a very bold line between teamwork and friendship. It had reached the point that every crew he'd served with was scared of him, scared away by the walls he'd built up to keep from ever having to feel that kind of loss again. And it had worked, for a while. They'd called him a hard ass, a stoic leader with a no-nonsense attitude, refusing to take crap from anyone – enemies and allies alike. Unapproachable. Unyielding.  
  
But there was no camaraderie. No trust. They shared the same ship name but that was as far as it went. They may as well have been loose associations of mercenaries and thieves, decked in Alliance blue.  
  
It was a slow transition, trying to regain that open attitude he'd used to hold, before Akuze had happened. There were several awkward hit and misses, subordinates who viewed his attempts to get to know them as a means of trapping them into saying or doing something incriminating. So the tables had flipped from Shepard pushing everyone away, to him being the one being pushed – and that had been a difficult hurdle to jump over. But now that he was on the Normandy, getting to know these people, where they came from, what made them tick… he didn't regret making that decision. Especially now that he was sitting here, across from a man who'd just told him he was _important_. Not as the symbol the Alliance had turned him into, or as a leader and a superior officer, or even as a fellow soldier. As a friend. An equal.  
  
And… he liked that feeling.  
  
They sat in silence for a few moments longer, before Shepard finally moved, pushing back his chair and lifting into a stand with a grunt. "I'm going to try to get some rest before we make the drop for the next mission.  Wouldn't hurt for you to do the same; I want to see you in the armory at 0800," he said, tone official despite the hint of a smile creeping at the corner of his mouth.   
  
He gave Kaidan an informal goodnight salute, two fingers to his temple, before walking out of the mess and disappearing into his cabin.


	5. Chapter 5

"Well?"  
  
Shepard stood by the parked Mako, watching as Garrus used it as a vantage point to scout the valley below through the scope of his sniper rifle. He couldn't see his expression – Casbin was a pre-oxygen planet, necessitating breather helmets and short-range radio communication if they didn't want to have to shout through several layers of ablative armoring and polycarbonate. At most he could see the light flash across Garrus' tinted visor as his head moved, but that wasn't enough to discern his intentions.  
  
"Three snipers, four rocket troopers," Garrus finally replied, before shouldering his rifle with a _click_ and dropping back to the ground next to Shepard and Kaidan, using the rungs on the side of the Mako to keep himself steady as he landed on his feet. "They'll probably sound an alarm when we attack, so whatever we do, we've got to do it quick."  
  
"All right. Garrus, set up a nest and provide cover fire from up here," Shepard ordered, receiving a nod from the turian before he turned to Kaidan. "Kaidan, stay at mid-range and run interference on the geth. Disable as many as you can – tech, biotics, whatever works. I'm going to run in close and draw fire. I'm trusting you two to bring them down while they're distracted. Got it?"  
  
He received a nod from Garrus, followed by a quick "yes, sir" from Kaidan. Garrus immediately broke away from the group, heading around the rise of grassy land they were perched on in search of a decent sniper's nest. Once he'd settled in and radioed a confirmation to the other two team members, they made their way down into the basin, drawing closer to the geth base with their weapons drawn – Shepard with a shotgun in hand, Kaidan an assault rifle.  
  
They paused behind cover – a large outcropping of broken, moss-covered rock – Shepard holding up a hand to signal everyone to hold position. His eyes swept across the building in front of them, picking out moving figures patrolling the perimeter in set patterns. He couldn't see the snipers, though he could see the tall sniper nests ringing the border and could only assume that was where they were. His thoughts were confirmed when he saw the telltale swivel of a red targeting laser sweep from the depths of one of the nests, arcing around the perimeter but not landing on anything in particular.  
  
They sat in silence for several long, tense seconds, Shepard frozen in spot as he watched the rocket troopers moving about, seemingly waiting in rigid preparation for an opportunity to arise. It wasn't until the troopers hit a certain formation in their patrolling pattern – two of them passing right by one another, and a third only a few steps away – that Shepard moved.  
  
"Now!"  
  
The movement was familiar to him, almost as involuntary as breathing as he took two running steps forward, biotic energy surging through his body. And then the rush hit, and the world slowed, and all he could hear was his heart beating and his breath leaving his lungs, harsh and jagged. Pure energy ripped through his body and it roared through him, with him, throwing him forward, shoulder low and brought to bear as he channeled the waterfall of biotic energy through his body like trying to force a steel cable through the eye of a needle.  
  
And then the blurring around the edges of his vision sharpened and he slammed shoulder first into the nearest geth trooper, unleashing a pulse of biotic energy so powerful that the geth crashed into its comrade, sending the two down into a pile of broken and tangled pieces. He didn't even pause to breathe, to assess his situation – he immediately whirled and fired two rounds of buckshot into the head of the third geth, its lights shattering and dimming as it fell down with a dying screech.  
  
He heard the crack of a sniper rifle somewhere overhead and he immediately dodged behind cover – he looked out to see one of the geth snipers falling from its nest in a broken heap, and he realized then that Garrus had taken that shot. And then another one slammed into the ground as the result of a powerful biotic throw, and he could see the pulsing blue glow coming from Kaidan's position back where he'd left him behind. _Good_ , he thought with a slight grin, _I knew it was a good idea to bring those two._  
  
He looked up when he heard a roaring sound overhead, only to hear a familiar shout coming from Kaidan's direction – " _Geth dropship!_ "  
  
They didn't have a chance to collect themselves or regroup – the ship came to bear, swooping low over the open area in front of the base and raining a large group of geth shock troopers to the ground, flattening the grass and sending gusts of burning wind in an arc around the drop zone, thrusters flaring. Shepard immediately dove behind cover once again just in time to hear the sound of plasma shots peppering the ground and protection in front of him. It held, thankfully, and he popped out of cover long enough to fire rounds into the three nearest troopers advancing on his position.  
  
He realized with a curse that the group had split – several of them had turned back and were rushing towards Kaidan's position, and he could see his biotics flaring and pulsing as he threw them back one by one. Every few seconds he could hear Garrus' sniper rifle over the din of the battle, and a random geth amidst the group would crumple, parts breaking apart and spraying across the ground from the high caliber bullets. But it wasn't enough – there were at least six geth attacking Kaidan, and he had another five firing on him.  
  
"Not on my watch, you bastards," Shepard snarled under his breath, before rolling out of cover, taking a running step forward, and barreling a biotic charge directly through the heart of the group, into the cluster on the far side. The release of energy reacted with the lingering effects of Kaidan's biotics – a few well-placed warps, he had to assume – and a massive, crackling explosion tore at least four of the geth into indiscernible pieces.  
  
He didn't stop there, immediately casting a rippling shockwave in the general direction of another cluster of troopers now rounding on him. The biotic shockwave knocked several of them down and stumbled the rest, giving him enough time to fire shots into the group. Good. He'd gotten their attention – now Kaidan and Garrus could focus on interference. He cocked his fist back and landed a hard punch on one of the synthetics that had gotten too close, stumbling it long enough to unload a shotgun shell into its head.  
  
He could feel the heat, so to speak – they were all on him now, and his shield began to shudder under the stream of plasma shots. He could feel the sweat beading on his forehead, dripping down the small of his back, his breathing heavy and sharp in his chest. And for every one that Garrus dropped with a sniper bullet or every one that Kaidan short-circuited or sent flying, another one was on him, the ship continuing to drop them off in a steady stream of cannon fodder.  
  
He stumbled back as a heavy shot slammed into his shields and threw him off balance – he cursed again, before rearing his fist back and slamming his palm into the ground, setting off a biotic nova powerful enough to throw back most of the geth in his immediate vicinity, completely sapping his shield's energy and throwing it into the synthetics currently ganging up on him. He backed away quickly, breathing heavily, reloading his shotgun with hands that trembled from adrenaline. The blood was pounding in his ears so hard that he didn't hear Garrus' warning over his helmet's communicator until the ground suddenly shook underneath him as a loud _CRASH_ resounded somewhere behind him. He whirled around just in time to see that a geth armature and two geth primes had just jumped down from the ship. The armature's cannon sparked and glowed, and Shepard's eyes went wide.  
  
"…Shit."  
  
"SHEPARD!"  Garrus shouted over their helmet's intercoms, watching in horror as the armature's cannon became fully charged, ready to discharge its siege pulse upon the Commander, knowing that he would be entirely powerless to stop it.  
  
Even if all three of them were to attack at once, its shields were far too powerful to give them a chance to disable it before its attack.  
  
He was about to avert his eyes from the scene, refusing to watch the man that had been a friend, a leader, and even a mentor to him over the last few weeks die a horrible death, when Shepard was suddenly surrounded by a large barrier of dark energy.  
  
 _Ha!_   He should've known better than to believe that either of those two crazy biotic kids would go down so easily!  
  
After all, it's not like he hadn't seen it before…  Shepard throwing himself headfirst into the fight, taking out as many enemies as he could with pure destructive biotic impulses and high risk combat skills, while Kaidan kept a close constant watch on him, raising up protective mass effects fields and barriers in the nick of time whenever was needed, or literally throwing enemies off of the other man's back.  
  
Their combined abilities made them a force to be reckoned with, although Garrus had to admit that sometimes, some of the risks that they both took were making him feel a bit uneasy.  And coming from a turian, that was saying something!  
  
Personal safety wasn't exactly the turians' first priority as far as combat efficiency was concerned.  He'd told Kaidan as much when he'd commented that the turians would probably never have given up on the L2 implants after having witnessed what the Lieutenant had been able to achieve with it.  That was the kind of power that could easily tip the outcome of a battle in one's favor, and his people most definitely wouldn't have wanted to give up on it, even if that meant that a few sacrifices would have been required.  
  
But some of these two human biotics' maneuvers in combat, though impressive, had been near suicidal at times.  From his vantage point, he'd witnessed quite a few close calls and near misses, or moments where either of them had found themselves entirely vulnerable to enemy fire.  Something in his gut kept telling him that this could only end badly…  
  
The moment that Kaidan had seen the armature focus its cannon on Shepard, his heart had nearly stopped.  
  
At first, things had gone relatively well; they'd been swarmed pretty badly, but it hadn't been anything that the three of them couldn't handle.  And then, something had changed.  
  
The Commander's attacks had become more violent, chaotic, and reckless.  Kaidan was suddenly brought back to his dream, and had to fight the sense of dread and panic that threatened to overwhelm him.  
  
Feeling the comforting weight of the rifle in his hands, the steady currents of biotic energy flowing around him, and the strain in his muscles, he was quickly reminded that in this world, he was far from powerless though.  But the more Shepard seemed to insist on drawing all of the enemies' fire upon himself, the more his frustration grew, and the more he became scared that he wouldn't be attentive or fast enough to prevent the worst from happening.  
  
This was completely beyond insane, he thought, and couldn't be allowed to go on.  When they got back to the Normandy, he'd definitely have to talk to Shepard about the risks that he kept taking on the battlefield.  He didn't care if he got mad at him, or tried to dismiss his concerns by arguing that this was what he'd trained for, as he had the first time that he'd tried bringing it up.  If it could potentially convince him to stop giving him freaking heart attacks and to start adapting his style to the rest of his team, then it would be worth it.  
  
That is, if they all made it back to the Normandy in one piece.  Surely that drop ship was bound to run out of geth at some point.  Hopefully.  
  
He was about to suggest a retreat, at least to give them the chance to gather their strength and quickly review their strategy, when a geth armature had landed next to Shepard, and was now threatening to take him out.  
  
 _Oh no you don't!_   A mixture of fear and rage seized him as he immediately dropped his own barrier, using all of his strength to conjure up a mass effect field large enough to ensure that the cannon's blast wouldn't hit him.  The effort required to maintain it was tremendous, but Kaidan still held on, the field steadily absorbing the energy from the blast until the geth's weapon was entirely depleted.  
  
"DUCK!" he yelled over their intercoms, before suddenly detonating the field with enough force to take out the armature's shields, leaving it vulnerable to attacks.  Now his head hurt, his heart raced, and his legs threatened to give way; but at least, Shepard was safe for the time being.  
  
"Kaidan, ON YOUR SIX!" he heard Garrus call out to him, quickly turning around just in time to see one of the geth primes taking aim, its own shield exploding around it as a result of Garrus' overload.  
  
Before Kaidan had the time to even think about shooting back, jumping out of the way, or trying to get his barrier up again – not that it would have done much good considering the geth's damping abilities – heat exploded in his chest and he was violently thrown back by the force of the impact, the back of his helmet hitting the ground with a loud thud.  
  
"Shepard…" he whispered wetly, feeling the metallic taste filling his mouth, the pain and warmth spreading in his chest, and the dull throbbing in the back of his skull.  
  
 _'…Please stay safe…'_ he thought, fighting to keep his hold on reality but quickly failing as the darkness finally claimed him and he lay there, deathly still.  
  
Shepard looked back just in time to see Kaidan go down, and the world around him froze. The armature was stuttering, shieldless and unsteady from whatever biotic detonation Kaidan had set off in front of him, and there was a prime standing over the Lieutenant's prone body, weapon raised. He didn't think, barely breathed – he gave in to instinct at that point, turning and unloading as much power as he could into a biotic throw capable of knocking the massive armature off of its feet, sending it crashing onto its back several yards away with enough force to shake the ground. Then he pivoted, summoned all of the energy pulsing in his body and then some, and charged into the prime so hard that it broke into pieces upon contact.  
  
He was on his knees next to Kaidan without so much as a pause, immediately going to drag his lifeless body behind cover in case the armature was able to untangle itself from its own limbs long enough to fire on them again. He heard the crack of Garrus' sniper rifle again and a screech, and had to assume he'd taken it down while it was stunned – he didn't care though, because right now he was desperately checking Kaidan's vital signs with his omnitool, scanning the orange interface over the puncture wound seeping blood across the chest plate of his armor.  
  
"Garrus, get down here NOW! I need help!" Shepard yelled into the communicator, desperately trying to make heads or tails of the information spilling across the screen of his omnitool. _Shit._ He was still alive, thank the maker, but his breathing was erratic, his heart rate through the roof. A red warning flashing on his omnitool interface made it abundantly clear that they didn't have time on their sides – his lungs were failing, exposed to the nitrogen and carbon dioxide atmosphere from the gaping wound in his chest.  
  
Shepard acted quickly, activating the first-aid function on his omnitool to forcibly apply medi-gel over the wound to stop the air from killing him before they even had a chance to get him back to the Mako. There was no exit wound, and apart from his right lung the rest of his major organs were intact and undamaged. He would've thanked God for small favors but that wasn't going to matter if they didn't get Kaidan into emergency surgery _immediately_.  He heard the sound of the Mako roaring to life and realized that Garrus was already one step ahead – he was bringing the vehicle down to them.  
  
The Mako screeched to a halt next to their position and the door flung open, allowing the turian to jump out of the driver's seat and race over to the two marines. "Let's get him in the Mako, we can pressurize the interior," he said, voice urgent, before stooping down to help Shepard lift Kaidan's unconscious body from the ground. They managed to get him into the vehicle without any problems, Shepard climbing into the back compartment with him while Garrus got back into the driver's seat. The door snapped shut and the interior began to hiss as it was flooded with oxygen.  
  
Once the systems had give off the familiar automated message signaling a fully pressurized cabin, Shepard yanked off his helmet and tossed it somewhere in the corner of the cramped space. He was breathing heavily, sweat pouring down his face and his heart beating against his ribcage hard enough to hurt.  
  
"Call the Normandy. We need an on-the-spot pick-up and the med bay prepped for emergency surgery _now_ ," Shepard ordered towards Garrus, all while checking over Kaidan with his omnitool activated. He rolled the unconscious man onto his right side to keep him from drowning in his own blood, before reaching up and pulling off his helmet. His black hair was mussed with sweat and Shepard pushed it out of his face, before making quick work of undoing and releasing the latches holding his upper body armor pieces on. He pulled away the chest piece and realized with a grimace that the wound was far worse than it had looked from a distance – there was a massive hole punched right through the ablative armor, the edges stained dark with the impact shot and Kaidan's blood.  
  
The wound was sealed with a thick layer of medigel for now, but that wasn't going to keep Kaidan alive for very long – he was still struggling to breathe and his heart rate was showing no signs of slowing down or evening out. Shepard dragged Kaidan's upper body onto his lap, taking care not to cause any more damage, before yanking off one of his gauntlets and gloves so he could wave an uncovered hand in front of Kaidan's face, feeling his shuddering, warm breaths.  
  
"Come on, Kaidan," he whispered, not even caring that his voice was shaking. He wasn't going to lose another teammate, not now.  
  
"…right lung collapse, left still appears to be fully functional.  No exit wound, entry one sealed with medi-gel, moderate internal bleeding.  No other major organ was hit.  Phasic rounds, I think.  Elevated heart rate and ventilation, though it's still stable for now.  May have gotten a concussion, but there's no sign of brain swelling, his helmet absorbed most of the impact..." Garrus told Dr. Chakwas over their comm system, trying to keep his voice as calm possible, having synched his omnitool's interface to Shepard's.  The Normandy was en route and he was trying to make sure that the doctor would know exactly what to expect when they got there.  "…No sign of hypovolemic shock yet…  Will try to send you Shepard's omnitool readings directly to the med bay's computer once the Normandy is in range."  
  
"Tell Shepard to keep Kaidan lying in a safety position on his right side, and do not elevate his legs," Dr. Chakwas said over the intercom, not knowing if Shepard would be able to hear.  "Keep monitoring his condition, and contact me immediately if anything changes."  
  
"Roger that," Garrus answered, turning around to see if Shepard had heard.  A quick nod told him that they had everything under control, for now.  
  
"If Kaidan is anything, it's resilient.  I'm sure he'll make it," she added, trying to keep their morale up.  "I'll be on hold."  
  
"Thanks, doctor," Garrus said, before returning his attention to the Commander.  "You know, you guys were pretty amazing out there, but I've always felt that you're keeping it _way_ too close to the edge," he commented, feeling the pressure ease a bit now that they were safe and everything appeared to be stable.  
  
"Once the Lieutenant is back on his feet, you two might want to reconsider that whole daredevil routine you've got going on."  
  
Shepard looked up at him, brow knitting in confusion. " _Daredevil routine_?" he repeated. "Mind running that one by me again, Vakarian? I don't think I follow."  
  
Though that stabbing feeling in his gut begged to differ as he was very suddenly reminded of what Kaidan had told him while they stood in the mess, after the mission on Eden Prime. He'd brushed him off then, assuming he was just overly concerned, not unlike the non-biotics Shepard had gone into battle alongside – not understanding the full extent of the "risk-reward" tactics associated with being a vanguard. Not understanding that he was in control and that his strategy relied on his teammates taking advantage of enemy distraction, not worrying about his safety.  
  
" _I just want to make sure that we're not taking any unnecessary risks._ "  
  
No, Kaidan had gotten shot by a prime that had snuck up on him. It didn't have anything to do with Shepard's fighting style. Even though he had depleted his shields with a biotic nova right before the armature had landed, and Kaidan had focused quite a bit of biotic energy into stopping its attack and taking down its shields… which very easily could have distracted him long enough for a prime to hit him with a concussive shot. One he could have stopped or dodged if his attention hadn't been divided.  
  
Shepard suddenly felt sick, and hoped beyond hope that Garrus wouldn't confirm that thought.  
  
"You mean you didn't know…" Garrus begun, before realizing that the confused and slightly perturbed expression on Shepard's face was entirely genuine.  "Ah, crap."  Well, there was no going back now, since he knew that the Commander wouldn't likely be willing to let this one go.  Hopefully, Kaidan would forgive him for his indiscretion.  
  
"It's not the first time that Alenko's put himself at risk to pull your ass out of the fire, Shepard.  Probably saved it quite a few times, too," he said quietly, pondering just how much he should be telling him, then deciding that it was probably better to just be honest.  
  
"For as long as I've been on this team, Kaidan's always been there… Watching your back, throwing up mass effect fields to keep you from getting hit, taking care of any enemy trying to sneak up on you, assessing the battlefield and trying to anticipate any attack," he explained, remembering having often wondered how he managed to keep track of so many things all at once.  
  
"Usually, whenever he sacrifices his barrier to provide you with more protection, he seems to remain acutely aware of his surroundings, and manages to get it back up or find cover before an enemy can get to him.  This time, the armature's attack probably happened too fast for him to be able to focus on anything else," he said sadly, though he still believed that the Lieutenant had made the right call.  "And it's probably a good thing, too, else you'd be dead by now, and that would have put quite a damper on the mission."  
  
Shepard stared at him, not quite willing to wrap his head around what he was saying. "That's not… He's not supposed to be doing that," he managed to say, realizing in retrospect how lame he sounded. He swore out loud, suddenly overcome with burning anger and frustration, thrashing at his insides and making him feel sick all over again – at himself for not realizing what was happening, at Kaidan for putting himself in danger just to save _him_ when he should have been worried about himself. "I would never expect someone to put their own safety at risk just to protect me," he said, tone bitter and angry, not sure if he was explaining it to Garrus or to himself. "That's not how I operate. God _Damnit_ Kaidan…"  
  
It was Garrus' time to be confused.  "He's a soldier, Shepard.  What did you expect?" he asked, surprised that the Commander didn't appear to understand Kaidan's actions.  "The only reason why _I_ didn't watch over you more closely is because I thought you two had things well in hands; that you were only taking such risks because you knew Alenko had your back…"  
  
Before he could go any further and start explaining the whole turian philosophy about protecting their highest-ranking officers, they were interrupted by the sound of wet coughing, as the Lieutenant's body began to thrash in Shepard's lap.  
  
For a few moments, Kaidan was confused.  He didn't know where he was or what was happening, except for the piercing pain in his chest and the taste of blood in his mouth.  He tried to take a deep breath, only to feel as if something was applying pressure on his lungs and preventing him to do so beyond a certain point.  His attempt was quickly rewarded with a coughing fit, more blood making it past his lips with each cough.  
  
He tried moving, but that only seemed to make everything worse.  In his feverish state, all he could remember was the attack…  Shepard almost getting hit by the geth's cannon…  There were two other primes there also, weren't there?  What had happened then?  Was the rest of his team okay?  Had anyone else made it out alive?  
  
Opening his eyes, he saw Garrus sitting in the front seat of what appeared to be some sort of vehicle, looking as if he was talking to someone over the intercom.  
  
"Shepard…  Is he…?" Kaidan began to ask, only to start coughing some more, his body shaking violently.  He had to know.  He had to find out if Shepard was all right…  He had to get out of here, damn it!  
  
"It's all right Kaidan, I'm right here," Shepard interrupted his fretting, barely keeping his voice from shaking – he put a hand on the Lieutenant's shoulder to keep him from moving about any more than he already was, forcing him to lay still, still turned on his side with upper body resting across his lap. "Try to stay still. Moving's just going to make it worse."  
  
He wasn't sure why but he began to stroke Kaidan's hair, pushing the sweat-soaked locks away from his forehead, hoping that the action might be comforting enough to calm him down. "It's gonna be okay. Just… just hang on, help is coming."  
  
He wasn't sure if his attempts at soothing words were more for Kaidan's sake or his own – his nerves were shot, rattled to hell and back, worry and fear and self-loathing chewing at his insides. Why the hell was the Normandy taking so damn long? If they didn't get him into surgery soon… He didn't want to think about it. His expression twisted with the effort to hold back whatever emotions were trying to break out of him at that point. He needed to stay calm and collected, for Kaidan's sake. He didn't need to freak out right now, not when he wanted to get up and punch his fist through a wall or break something.   
  
He didn't know with whom he should be angrier – himself for allowing this to happen, or Kaidan for deciding to put his safety above his own. He would never even think to give an order for his squad mates to put themselves in danger to rescue him. Kaidan was acting of his own volition, and while Garrus had a point – he was a soldier, and they looked out for their own – a part of him was furious with him for placing more value on his life than his own.   
  
That was the whole point behind Shepard's tactics. He would draw enemy fire so his squad would remain safe and free to run interference against the distracted attackers. He could handle himself – it was up to his squad to take care of the rest while he took the heat off of them. And if he died in the process, then so be it. At least he'd died protecting his squad. But he couldn't stand the thought of it being the other way around; knowing that one of his squad had died protecting him. That tactic may have been well and good in the turian military, but Shepard had seen enough of his comrades die that he'd sooner die for them than let them die for him. Never again, he'd vowed.  
  
He scowled to himself, still battling with the urge to get up and break something – not that he could have gone far, trapped in the cramped space of the Mako. And Kaidan needed him right now, someone to keep him calm and keep an eye on his condition. So he swallowed the lump in his throat, pushed down the bitter frustration and self-hatred, and continued stroking his bare fingers through Kaidan's hair.  
  
"Everything's gonna be okay…" _…I hope._  
  
Kaidan had stopped thrashing about the moment he'd finally heard Shepard's voice, feeling immensely relieved that he was there, and that he was safe.  He let the sound of it lull him, distract him from the pain and from the suffocating sensation that kept growing in his chest.  He tried not to panic, taking in shorter and faster breaths in order to avoid another coughing fit.  He didn't know if he was hallucinating, but he could've sworn that someone was gently caressing his hair.  The sensation itself was not at all unpleasant, and brought a welcomed relief from the other pains and discomforts in his body.  
  
He was starting to feel lightheaded – probably as a result of hyperventilating - but that was okay, too…  Because as long as Shepard kept talking to him and stroking his hair as he did, he had something tangible to hold on to, to keep himself grounded…  
  
"It's okay, Shepard's managed to calm him down. Sending you the omnitool's data now," Garrus told Dr. Chakwas over the intercom, having called her back the moment that Kaidan had begun to regain consciousness.  
  
"Good, the risks of respiratory depression are too high to administer a sedative without the proper equipment to deal with the accumulated fluids in the pleural cavity…" she explained with a certain level of regret in her voice.  She hated to know that a patient of hers was in pain without having the option of easing his suffering.  Somehow, the fact that it was Kaidan only made it worse.  
  
While she'd long accepted that many of the soldiers under her care would one day either die, go on to serve on another ship, or eventually retire, it was hard for her not to feel a deep personal connection to them all.  Especially those that required more personal and regular medical supervision, like the young L2.  
  
"Whatever Shepard is doing to keep him calm, just tell him to keep doing it.  We're almost here," she said.  
  
As if on cue, the Normandy landed a few meters before them, its cargo bay door slowly opening.  "Alright, I'm taking us in," Garrus said, driving the vehicle towards the ship. Shepard reached out with a free hand to grab onto one of the railings lining the wall next to him, holding on to keep himself and Kaidan steady as the vehicle began to jostle with the movement.  
  
Joker waited for his sensor to indicate that the Mako was securely inside the vessel before closing the door and waiting for the cargo bay to re-pressurize.  Once his readings confirmed that it was done, he gave the okay for the medical team to go in.  
  
"Garrus, get your door open," Chakwas called over the comm system, rushing towards the Mako with two other marines pushing a gurney carrying medical equipment on top.  As soon as she reached the vehicle, she took a quick peek inside while the marines put the medical equipment aside, lowering the stretcher to the ground with the hydraulic lift.  Kaidan was lying across Shepard's lap, skin pale and clammy, and his lips were starting to take on a bluish tint.  
  
"Kaidan, we're going to move you out of the vehicle now, and put you on a stretcher," she calmly explained.  Kaidan gave her a small nod, making Dr. Chakwas smile.  If he was still responding, that was definitely a good sign.  She let the other two marines move past her to help lift him up and away from Shepard's lap.  
  
They were almost out of the door when they felt a tug backwards, and Shepard was slightly propelled forward.  Somewhere during the maneuver, Kaidan had managed to take a hold of Shepard's hand, and was now hanging onto it tightly, refusing to let go.  
  
Had the situation not been so critical, Dr. Chakwas would have been tempted to laugh; especially considering the helpless look that the two marines threw in her direction.  
  
"Just get him on the stretcher, would you?  I want him lying on his left side.  Shepard, you can keep holding his hand and follow, I don't mind.  Actually, it's probably going to help," she said, while fumbling through her equipment.  Once she finally had everything she needed and they'd managed to position the Lieutenant on the gurney with Shepard still clutching his hand in his own, she began to disinfect a large area of his thoracic wall.  
  
"I'm going to insert a tube between your ribs that should take some of the pressure off your lungs," she explained as she got her materials ready.  "When I say _now_ , I need you to hold your breath and try not to move until I give you the okay again…" She waited for Kaidan to breathe in. " _Now_."  
  
Kaidan winced as he felt the tube go in, tightening his hold on Shepard's hand for a few seconds, feeling him squeeze it back reassuringly.  He didn't know why he'd felt the need to hold onto him like that, but he did.  The contact gave him strength, made him feel like he was safe, and not fighting for his life right now.  He simply knew that he needed it.  
  
"Breathe normally," Dr. Chakwas instructed him, and he let out a shuddering breath.  It occurred to him that he'd kept his eyes tightly closed until then, trying to shut out the pain and everything else but the feeling of Shepard's hand in his.  But as he was slowly rolled on his back, he let them open, blinking against the intensity of the light and seeing both the Commander and Dr. Chakwas watching over him from above.  
  
"You're doing good…" the doctor told him, giving his shoulder a slight squeeze and keeping her tone as encouraging and light as possible as she finished securing the bag now collecting the blood from his lungs to the stretcher. She then went on to search for a vein on his arm to install the I.V.  
  
Shepard refused to even consider the idea of letting go of Kaidan's hand – not yet. Every little squeeze, each twitch of a finger was a small bit of proof that Kaidan was going to be okay, that he was going to pull through. It was difficult to watch him like this, tearing his eyes away from the tube that had been inserted through Kaidan's skin – it made him feel woozy, watching the blood collecting and pouring through the transport and into the bag. Sure, he'd seen plenty of blood on the battlefield, and he'd seen his fair share of post-mission injuries… but never with the thought in mind that it was his fault it had happened. That there was a very real chance that Kaidan might die because of what he had done, what he had allowed to happen.  
  
He kept his eyes locked on Kaidan's face, and he was amazed at just how stoic he looked, expression strong despite the pallor of his skin, lips pressed into a tight line, eyes shining with suppressed pain. But through it all he was silent, never once complaining or crying. Shepard would have been impressed if he wasn't so goddamned worried. He reached up with his free hand and pushed the Lieutenant's hair out of his face again, trying his best to quell the shaking in his hands and in his voice when he spoke. "Everything's going to be okay, Kaidan. Just hold on for me. Please."  
  
His breath hitched and he had to swallow to keep the lump from rising into his throat again. The look Kaidan was giving him, the way his fingers clenched harder around his hand – it made his heart skip, his chest beginning to tighten with indiscernible emotions.  If he didn't make it through this… Shepard didn't know what he would do. He didn't even want to consider the possibility.   
  
Once Dr. Chakwas had the I.V. in place and working properly, she delicately slipped the oxygen mask over Kaidan's mouth and nose, adjusting the strap to hold it there.  
  
"Get ready to stand," she instructed Shepard as she activated the hydraulic lift to raise the gurney back to the level of their waists, the marines that had accompanied her getting ready to move out.  
  
As they made their way back to the med bay, Dr. Chakwas administered Kaidan a light sedative; enough to take away most of his pain, but not to make him go under yet.  She saw him blink a few times and relax with a soft sigh, his breathing and heart rate becoming calmer, slowly evening out.  He still kept looking at Shepard though, apparently oblivious to anything else.  She smiled – it wasn't the first time that she'd seen a patient use a family member or a loved one as an anchor in difficult times.  As they finally reached the med bay, she almost felt bad for having to sever the connection.  
  
"Ready?" she asked Kaidan, though it wasn't like she was truly giving him a choice.  He looked up at her and nodded, before bringing his attention back to Shepard.  
  
"See you on the other side…" he whispered with a soft smile, his voice weak and raspy, before his eyes gently fluttered close, and the grip on Shepard's hand loosened until the contact parted.  
  
"Don't worry Commander, he'll be fine," Dr. Chakwas said, putting a comforting hand on Shepard's shoulder.  "I'll call you as soon as he's out of surgery."  
  
She then gave the signal to roll him in and disappeared behind the med bay's doors, leaving Shepard alone with his thoughts.  
  
Shepard stood there for what felt like ages, rooted to the spot and staring at the closed door. For the first time in years, he felt lost. Completely and utterly lost, unable to form a proper coherent thought about what he should be doing or where he should be. He was almost content to stand there as long as it took, staring at the door until Chakwas would come back out to fetch him. But then he realized that there were a couple of crew members still on deck, standing not too far away and staring at him as he stood there like some kind of lost puppy. That was enough to snap him out of it – he turned, walking away from the door lest he give in to his urges and just barge in and refuse to leave until he knew for certain that Kaidan would be okay.  
  
He looked down, realizing that he was still wearing his armor – sans his helmet and one of his gauntlets, but still mostly geared up. He raised his hands and turned them over to stare at his palms, watching as they trembled under the dried smears of Kaidan's blood. He recoiled in disgust, immediately pivoting and heading towards the showers.  
  
His armor ended up in a pile in the corner as he showered, scrubbing the blood off of his hands until his skin was red and raw. He didn't stop there, however, scrubbing himself down like he'd just had to wade through a sewer – he didn't care, he just needed to do it. It was more than just wiping away blood and oil and dirt. It was like he was scrubbing away the day's events, sanding them off of his skin and sending them down the drain with the shower water and the soap. The stinging burn on his skin was welcoming, like a dull ache that had always been there, comforting him when he didn't want to _think_. It was easier to _feel_ than it was to _think_. The water was scalding, the steam making his lungs ache and his skin felt like it would blister. But he allowed it, nonetheless, content with standing there and allowing the water to burn its way across the expanse of his back, his shoulders, his legs, down his arms and drip from his fingertips.  
  
He stayed that way until the water lost its burn, at which point he hit the control and stopped the shower's flow. He put himself back into autopilot mode, unable to trust himself to do things without some predetermined setting lest he give into his thoughts and lose control of himself. He managed to get himself into a clean set of fatigues and had his armor properly stowed in his locker, rather than leaving it to take up space in the corner of the shower room. He didn't stop to speak with anyone, and when the message came through on his omnitool that he was needed for the post-mission debrief – no doubt Hackett wanted a proper explanation as to why they had pulled out without completing their objective – he sent back a blunt line of text that in no uncertain terms told the Admiral that he was more concerned with his Lieutenant's wellbeing than a proper debriefing. Thankfully Hackett was a smart man who got the hint, and Shepard was grateful when he'd received a short response back granting him a reprieve from paperwork until Kaidan's condition had been stabilized.  
  
Shepard sat in the now empty mess, leaning on the table and facing the doors to the med bay so that he'd be the first person to know if anyone left the room. And from there, he waited.

 

* * *

 

Roughly three hours after Kaidan had gone in, Dr. Chakwas finally emerged from the med bay, walking towards the place where Shepard was sitting with an encouraging, if somewhat exhausted smile.  
  
"Alenko is doing fine…" she immediately said, her first priority being to ease the Commander's worries about his second-in-command.  "The heavy bleeding's stopped.  I'm only leaving the chest tube in for a few hours while the damaged lung tissues finish regenerating.  Thankfully, there was no adverse reaction to the medi-gel injections, or the synthetic blood transfusion," she began explaining, before realizing that Shepard was probably more interested in what it meant for the Lieutenant in terms of time of recovery, not in all the technical details.  
  
"Basically, I recommend strict bed rest for the next 48 hours to give his body a chance to fully heal itself.  After that, I'll give him a series of rehabilitation exercises to perform on a daily basis for the next two weeks in order to rebuild lung capacity.  He should be able to resume his duties around the ship in five days, and be cleared for active field duty within two weeks; unless there are some complications, of course, but that's highly unlikely."  Considering the amount and high variety of antibiotics they carried on board, and the precision of their monitoring devices, she couldn't think of much that they wouldn't be able to quickly deal with.  
  
"I must say that I'm impressed with how fast you and Garrus were able to get him to safety and contact us.  He owes you his life, Commander," she said, fully knowing that when an injury like that occurred, time was often your worst enemy.  
  
"He hasn't awakened yet, but the sedatives should begin to wear off within the next hour or two.  You can go see him if you'd like, or wait for me to tell you when he's awake, it's up to you," she offered.  
  
Shepard looked between her and the med bay door, chewing on his lower lip in thought – it was difficult not to cringe at her words. Kaidan didn't owe him his life – Shepard owed Kaidan _his_ life, probably tenfold by now if Garrus' indications were correct. He wouldn't be in this situation if it weren't for Shepard. But Chakwas didn't know that, and she didn't _need_ to know that, so he kept it to himself, swallowing it down and forcing his expression to remain neutral.  
  
"I… I'll stay with him. It's the least I can do," he finally said, trying to give the doctor a half-hearted smile to show his gratitude. It was too difficult to maintain, however, and he looked away. "Thank you, Dr. Chakwas."  
  
"It's my pleasure, Commander," she answered, returning the smile.  "Though I can still closely monitor his health status through my omnitool's interface, and be back as soon as there's an anomaly, don't hesitate to call for me if you believe that my presence is needed."  
  
Giving her a little nod, he walked past her, stepping into the dim med bay and allowing the door to slide shut behind him. The first thing he was aware of was that the room smelled strongly of antiseptic – much stronger than usual, considering the fact that the room always had that clean, hospital-like scent. His eyes swept around the room, adjusting to the variance in lighting until he'd found Kaidan, still laying on the gurney they'd brought him in on – it was probably more comfortable than the metal slabs they used as observation tables – propped up in a halfway sitting position, body slack with sedatives and unconsciousness.  
  
He took a deep breath to steady himself, before setting his expression straight and crossing the room. He grabbed Chakwas' desk chair as he went, pulling it up next to Kaidan's bed and dropping down into it. He leaned forward, looking over the prone Lieutenant – he'd been cleaned up, no longer caked with blood, and the wound in his chest was hidden behind a thick layer of bandaging. The tube was still inserted between his ribs, but the entry point had been properly dressed and covered, making it slightly easier to look at without wanting to feel woozy. He didn't know if it was the lighting or his injuries or a combination of both, but Kaidan was impossibly pale. If it weren't for the steady rise and fall of his chest with each breath, Shepard might've assumed him dead.  
  
He took another shuddering breath, reaching forward and taking Kaidan's hand in his own and giving it a soft squeeze despite knowing that he wouldn't be able to feel it. But there was something comforting about it, feeling his hand, still warm with life clutched in his own – a tangible connection, proof that he was alive and that he was going to be okay.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Kaidan," he whispered, closing his eyes with a self-loathing grimace and letting go of his Lieutenant's hand after a moment. He still had no idea what he was going to say to him when he woke up. He'd be lucky if Kaidan didn't try to punch him. After what had happened, he was inclined to allow it.   
  
A part of him was still frustrated, impossibly angry with Kaidan for what he had done. Shepard had always been a self-sacrificing fighter, always going into the heart of battle so his squad didn't have to. And… he'd never had a problem with it before. Not until now. That anger towards Kaidan was only trumped by the anger he felt towards himself for being so stupid that he'd never realized what Kaidan was doing. If he'd known, he would have put his foot down long ago – made it clear to Kaidan that he needed to protect himself, not throw himself into harm's way to keep Shepard safe when the entire point behind his behavior was to keep _him_ safe. All it served to do was negate his efforts, making the danger he was putting himself in worth nothing.  
  
He opened his eyes again, trying to force the thoughts out of his head. The last thing he needed to do was get himself riled up while waiting for Kaidan to wake up. He didn't need to sit there and stew in his frustration and self-hatred. Not when he needed to worry about Kaidan's wellbeing more than anything else.  
  
He looked him over again, watching as his chest continued to rise and fall. He had been stripped all the way down to his underwear, and Shepard looked over to see the remnants of his under armor bodysuit and leg armor lying in a pile on Chakwas' desk. He'd made an effort to get him out of his upper body armor while they were sitting in the Mako, but he'd still been half clad when they'd loaded him on the gurney and brought him to the med bay. What remained of his armor was stripped, and Shepard made a mental note to stow it for him when he left.  
  
The closest thing to a state of undress that Shepard had seen Kaidan in had been post-mission, when they were peeling away armor pieces in front of their lockers. He'd been halfway out of his bodysuit, pulling the thick, woven fabric down over his shoulders and exposing the skin of his shoulder blades. Shepard had watched the way the muscles in his back tensed and relaxed with each movement as he shrugged the fabric downwards. Kaidan was more muscular than he looked in his armor and fatigues, he'd realized. Though light-grade armor – a staple for most non-vanguard class biotics – had a way of making a soldier look unusually small, especially if he was standing next to someone in medium or heavy-grade. And considering the fact that Shepard usually wore medium-grade armor, he almost wanted to laugh at the irony that the only place he was larger than Kaidan was on the battlefield.  
  
Sure, he wasn't as big as a lot of the jarheads Shepard had served with, but he definitely wasn't small. And it took quite a bit of effort not to just stare at him as he laid there, memorizing each dip and curve of his arms, chest, and stomach, all the way down to his pelvis and the way his underwear clung low to his hipbones. If he didn't know that he might disturb the bandaging or the tube currently jutting out of his side, Shepard might have been inclined to pull the sheets up to cover his bare chest. Anything to stop the uncomfortable feeling from chewing at his insides.  
  
There was a fine line between admiration and harassment, and Shepard was perfectly content with staying as far away from that line as he possibly could. If there was one thing he'd learned from serving with hundreds of different men, from ship to ship, locker room to locker room, it was how to control himself and his impulses. There were regulations to respect and boundaries that didn't need to be crossed. This wasn't an exception.  
  
Of course, that niggling voice in the back of his mind was back. _It could be._  
  
He shook his head, not sure if he was disagreeing or just trying to dislodge the thought before it had a chance to take root and grow. Either way, he averted his eyes away from Kaidan's body, choosing instead to lean back in his chair and wait for the time to pass before Kaidan would wake up again. And despite the relative quiet of the room, the solitude associated, he could hardly collect his thoughts – he just had to hope that when Kaidan woke up, he would know what to say to him.  
  
About an hour had passed before Kaidan finally began to awaken.  He was becoming vaguely aware of light that, through closed lids, still managed to bother his eyes. The annoying yet thankfully no longer painful tugging sensation in his right side. The odd dizziness and slightly nauseated feeling. The lingering metallic taste that had apparently not entirely left his mouth.  
  
There was something else, too…  Something warm, fleshy and soft, yet a bit calloused in places, resting over the back of his hand.  
  
Slowly opening his eyes, blinking several times to give them the time to adjust to the ambient light, he tried to take in his surroundings.  The sterile metallic environment, the soft beeping of the monitors, the sight of medical equipment, and, of course, the fact that he was lying down with an I.V. stuck in his arm told him that he was in the Normandy's med bay.  
  
 _'How did I get here?'_ he wondered, his mind still in a haze as he tried to remember the day's earlier events.  At first, only bits and pieces came… and mostly feelings, rather than memories.  Fear, powerlessness, anger, concern… need… Shepard's voice, soft and comforting, telling him that everything would be all right, asking him to hold on… _for him_ …  A pair of beautiful pale grey eyes looking back at him with a gentleness that he didn't even know the other man possessed; his expression tinted with sadness and despair, despite kind words of reassurance…  
  
The drop ship, geth pouring in on the battlefield, Shepard fighting, turning himself into a target, tempting fate more so than usual, shields depleted.  The armature, threatening to take him away, giving him just barely enough time to react. The prime… a well placed shot that he hadn't been able to avoid, catching him in the chest. The anguish and the feeling that he was slowly drowning… Shepard, trying to ease his pain and distress, while he and Garrus were engaged in a race to save his life. Dr. Chakwas finally reaching them, giving him some instructions that he couldn't quite remember any longer. Quietly saying goodbye to Shepard, holding onto him for as long as he could until the darkness came and…  
  
He woke up.  
  
Feeling slightly better now that he had a much better grasp over what had happened and how he had gotten here, he allowed himself to relax, and further contemplate the situation.  He wasn't perfectly comfortable, but no longer in pain, so that was good.  And he could breathe normally, which was a huge relief.  He let his eyes wander over his chest and abdomen, noticing the clean white bandages, including the one over his ribs covering a tube jutting out from underneath it…  
  
As his eyes continued to travel downwards, he stopped, for a moment completely shocked; but then couldn't resist breaking into a smile as he watched the scene before him.  Shepard was sitting by the foot of the bed, his head resting next to Kaidan's legs, his right arm tucked underneath his head while his left one was lazily spread across the sheets, hand resting on top of Kaidan's.  
  
For a few minutes, Kaidan was content with simply looking at him sleep…  Still too groggy from the anesthetics to even consider the fact that it might not be entirely appropriate.  Right now, all he cared about was how incredibly adorable a sleeping Shepard was.  Eyes closed, his features relaxed and peaceful… It was funny, during all the times they'd spent together, it suddenly occurred to him that he'd never really taken the time to look at anything but his eyes.  
  
Shepard's gaze had something very intense that captivated one's attention.  He also had the habit of looking directly at people when he spoke, in a way that was both very honest and open.  That was one of the things that he'd always liked about him.  That kind of sincere and straightforward approach…  
  
And his eyes had a life of their own.  A single look could make a krogan cower in fear, or make someone feel like they had the strength of a thousand men.  So he'd always focused on his eyes, completely missing how well defined and soft his lips looked… or the gentle curve of his nose… the high cheekbones or the smooth, slightly tanned skin…  
  
Overall, Shepard was a very handsome man.  And his confidence, strength and determination, contrasting with a certain look of youthfulness and vulnerability, only added to his appeal.  It was no wonder that Liara had quickly developed such a crush on him.  After all, it was pretty easy to understand the attraction, if he wanted to be perfectly honest with himself.  Had they met under different circumstances, who could say he wouldn't have been attracted, too?    
  
 _Who could say he wasn't?_  
  
He shook his head slightly, immediately regretting the decision as it only ended up making his head spin instead of helping clear his thoughts.  Still, he decided to blame any inappropriate thoughts or feelings that he seemed to be having on the medication.  
  
Perhaps if he woke Shepard and began talking with him instead of admiring him, it would help.  That did seem like the most sensible thing to do.  It wasn't like he could just let him sleep the whole night at his bedside, anyway.  
  
Gently removing his hand from underneath Shepard's, he reached forward to grab his forearm instead, giving it a little shake.  "Shepard…" he called out to him, his voice still a bit hoarse.  He tried to clear his throat.  "Shepard, wake up…" he said again a bit louder, trying to avoid startling him.  
  
Shepard jerked back to life a moment later, leaning back with a somewhat bleary look on his face – he seemed confused at first, not sure where he was or how he got there. But then he looked over at Kaidan and realized he was awake and staring expectantly at him, and it was all he could do not to flush in embarrassment. There was already a red mark on his forehead from lying against his arm for so long.   
  
He hadn't planned on falling asleep – but in retrospect it wasn't a surprise. He hadn't eaten since the day before, and hadn't even stopped to think he might need to wind down with a protein shake during the wait while Kaidan was in surgery. And considering how much raw biotic energy he'd sapped just from throwing that armature, along with what he'd expended pulling that many biotic charges in a row with little breathing room… It was a wonder he hadn't passed out sooner. Even now that he was awake he still felt groggy and drained, the stress finally leaving his body the moment he realized that Kaidan was okay. All it did was make him feel worthless and limp.  
  
He stared back at Kaidan for a long, awkward moment, realizing that he was at a complete loss for words. There were a million and a half things he needed and wanted to say, but he couldn't even think where to begin. A part of him insisted on getting the hard part out of the way first, berating the Lieutenant for getting himself nearly killed trying to protect him. Another part of him told him to stow it until Kaidan was better, and to focus on his injuries instead. Yet another part wanted to just grab him, pull him into an embrace, and apologize for everything that had happened. But that part was being heavily stifled by the others, forcibly choking it out of existence.  
  
If he had any sense in him he'd thank Kaidan for saving his life. But as it stood, when he finally opened his mouth, the only thing he could muster was a soft "…Hey."  
  
 _Smooth, Shepard._  
  
He almost wanted to curse at himself, but knew that wouldn't be wise – not unless he wanted to thoroughly convince Kaidan that he was insane. "How are you feeling?" he amended, though it took all of his willpower not to cringe immediately afterwards. Kaidan was lying in a hospital bed with a tube stuck in his side and he was asking him how he was feeling. He almost wanted to slap himself; save Kaidan the trouble.  
  
Kaidan chuckled a bit, the question striking him as funny, for some reason.  "Like a train ran me over…" he began, then it suddenly occurred to him that the situation he'd found himself in was probably far from funny.  "…And then I got high," he added, trying to excuse his slightly odd behavior.   _And horny, too._   Okay, now that, he was definitely glad he didn't say out loud.  He didn't, right?   _'Cause that would be embarrassing..._   But no, Shepard didn't appear to be outraged.  
  
"Dr. Chakwas carries some very good stuff with her, I'm telling you.  Though I'd rather you didn't have to try it…" he added sincerely, because that would mean that Shepard would have gotten hurt, and he didn't want that.  Wait.   _Had he?_  
  
"How about you?  You're okay, right?  The geth didn't harm you?" he asked, becoming more serious, if slightly agitated.  He could see that Shepard appeared to be fine, but perhaps he was still hiding some injury underneath his clothes…  Along with… other things…   _God Alenko, stop it!_  
  
Of course, Kaidan was laying on a gurney and was more concerned with whether or not Shepard was okay. He wanted to find it flattering, but all it did was deliver another hard punch of guilt directly into his gut. "I'm fine," he said, before adding in a quiet voice, "Thanks in no small part to you."  
  
He leaned back in his chair, clasping his hands together in his lap and twisting his fingers together – he stared down at them, not quite able to look at Kaidan while he continued speaking. "You've… been doing this for a while. Protecting me in battle, I mean." It wasn't a question, because he already knew the answer. An answer that he really didn't like. He took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to steady himself for the next part as he finally lifted his head to force eye contact. "I don't want you to do that anymore, Lieutenant."  
  
Kaidan frowned, the fact that Shepard had just called him "Lieutenant" not lost on him.  Well, to be fair, he _was_ his Lieutenant, so he was perfectly within his right to call him that.  What bothered him, though, was the slightly stern tone in which the Commander had said it, like he'd done something wrong that had displeased him.  Somehow, his request had the effect of sobering him up a little, reminding him of the fear and frustration he'd felt in the battle earlier…  So what did Shepard expect him to do, stand by and do nothing as he got himself killed?  
  
"With all due respect, _sir_ ," he began, his voice a bit more curt than he'd intended.  "I don't believe that's your call to make."  
  
Shepard managed to keep his expression straight, not tearing his eyes away from Kaidan once. "And why isn't it?" he asked, voice terse. "I give the orders on the field, and I don't recall ordering you to get yourself killed trying to save me."  
  
He paused, before leaning forward in his chair to pin Kaidan with a hard look, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. "I fight the way I do to keep my team safe. That effort is negated if you throw yourself into harm's way to rescue me."  
  
"And _I_ fight the way _I_ do because I am trained to make sure that we _all_ get out of there alive," he said, holding Shepard's gaze, refusing to back down.  "I assess the risks, find ways to minimize them, support and protect my squad, and disable the enemy's defenses," he explained, having to wonder if the Commander had ever even worked with a sentinel-class biotic before.  
  
"And that usually works great unless I'm paired up with a Commander that's behaving recklessly; one who appears to believe that shields are optional, what's happening behind his back doesn't concern him, and that bullets can't kill him," he said, barely keeping his anger in check.  
  
"Unless that _is_ what you want," he added more quietly, giving voice to one of the greatest fears he'd had ever since Eden Prime.  
  
Shepard's expression flickered with something indiscernible, and he straightened up again. "I _want_ to know that my team is going to make it off the battlefield _alive_ , Kaidan. If that means I have to run forward and draw fire to keep everyone else safe, I'm going to do it. You're the first soldier I've fought alongside who doesn't seem to understand that," he snapped, feeling his impatience rising. He tried to tell himself to keep an open mind, to listen to what Kaidan had to say, but he was making dangerous accusations that he wasn't keen on rolling over and taking. "I've been a vanguard for the past eight years; if my 'recklessness' was such a problem, don't you think I'd be dead by now?"  
  
"Yeah," Kaidan scoffed, "Like you'd have come up just fine from that armature's cannon blast," he said, his expression hard, reminding Shepard of just how close he'd been to being dead.  Never mind all these other times that he'd been forced to act to save his sorry ass.  So right now, the Commander's argument rang pretty hollow.  
  
"Perhaps the other soldiers were just scared of you.  Perhaps they didn't have _the guts_ to tell you what they were really thinking.  Or perhaps they just _**didn't care**_!" he said, his voice rising a notch.  
  
"But guess what?  You're no longer just a vanguard or even a Commander, Shepard.  You're a _Spectre_.  A Spectre that's been given a mission that's likely bigger and more dangerous than anything you've ever faced!  If you die now, what do you think will happen, _huh_?" he asked, though he didn't give Shepard the slightest bit of a chance to interrupt him, too wound up and hurt to even remotely _consider_ stopping there.  
  
"We lose the information from the Prothean beacon that's been stored in your mind.  The council calls the Normandy back to the Citadel. They'll have to appoint another Spectre to go after Saren; and, of course, that Udina asshole is only going to stall the process by insisting that he or she be human.  Meanwhile, our squad will probably get disbanded, because I doubt that, without you, the Alliance will be comfortable keeping aliens on board their most advanced starship.  The result?  We lose Saren, we lose our current resources, the fate of the galaxy remains in jeopardy, and the **_mission fails_**."  Truthfully, he couldn't even begin to understand why he had to be the one explaining all of this to him.  Hadn't he thought of this when he'd accepted the position?  
  
"Whereas, if I die, you and the rest of the crew will just keep pushing forward.  Like it or not, when it comes to the success of this mission, I'm expendable, you **_are not_**!  So forgive me for being willing to do **_everything I fucking can_** to ensure that the mission **_doesn't fail_**!"  By the time he was done, he was nearly shouting, out of breath, the beeping of the machines next to him picking up pace and turning erratic.  But he didn't care, he was just so damn angry with Shepard right now for completely disregarding the big picture here.  
  
He could understand that he didn't want to lose anyone on his team, but couldn't he see that none of his people were willing to lose him, either?  See how much they all cared about him?  See how much _he_ cared about him?  
  
What right did he have to go and try to sacrifice _his_ life to ensure that no one else got hurt, when he was entirely refusing to let others take any risks to protect him?  Did he really think he'd be okay with that?  Did he think he'd be able to stand it?  Hadn't he made it clear to Shepard that he was _important_ to him, and that he wanted to help?  
  
The very thought of losing Shepard made him feel like he was drowning again...  Besides ensuring the success of the mission, he simply wasn't able to let him get himself killed.  He was an amazing leader, and a good and powerful soldier.  All he wanted from Shepard was to be able to trust him to make the necessary efforts to keep himself alive.  Not completely stop taking risks.  He was a vanguard, after all, and taking risks were part of the job.  That, he understood.  That, he could cope with.  
  
But he couldn't help but think that some part of him wanted to make a mistake…  Wanted that bullet or that cannon blast to hit him…  Wanted it all to end.  The fact that Shepard hadn't even been able to deny it when he'd asked if that's what he wanted only made the whole thing worse.   _Why won't you let me help you, damn it?_  
  
Shepard was on his feet in an instant, shoving his chair back hard enough that it slammed into the bed behind him. His hands slammed down on the railing of the bed, clutching it so hard that his knuckles paled. "Do you even remember who the fuck you're speaking with?" he asked, tone so cold it was a wonder the temperature in the room didn't drop the moment he spoke. That usually calm, open understanding that lit his eyes was gone, making the pale gray look absolutely stormy in the dim light of the med bay. "Whatever higher power there is has made it abundantly clear that the only way for me to keep going, to _survive_ , is to climb on top of the bodies of the people around me. I have done _everything_ in my power to stop that cycle, _no matter what_ – and if that means drawing fire so my team can stay safe, then I _will_ do it. I already have the blood of my family and my entire God damned unit from Akuze on my hands, and I very nearly had yours as well because _you didn't trust me_."  
  
His expression hardened, brow pulling into a scowl. " _Yes_ , I am a Spectre. _Yes_ , I fully understand the gravity of this mission. But don't you _dare_ accuse me of losing that perspective because I _'want to die.'_ Everything I do, I do for a damn good reason, and you need to understand that," he said, voice lowered into an angry snarl. The acidity of his words made his throat hurt; his self-control was screaming in the back of his mind, trying to make him stop, but he was too far gone, too submerged in waves of pure, boiling anger to even consider the notion. He was madder than Hell – at himself, at Kaidan, at the whole damn universe.  
  
Where the Hell did Kaidan get off talking to him like that? Was he supposed to sit there and accept the idea that Kaidan viewed himself as nothing more than cannon fodder meant to keep the first human Spectre going towards the end? Shepard had _never_ considered a single member of his crew in that regard. The thought of it made him sick, knowing that even one of them considered themselves nothing more than a meat shield. The fact that Kaidan was placing more value on Shepard's life than his own was enough to make his gut twist and hurt with guilt, shame, and anger.  
  
Shepard had always viewed each and every one of the people he'd served with as an equal, no matter what their position or rank. Each and every single one of them was worth dying for – Kaidan included, maybe even more so. The very idea that Kaidan didn't respect that notion, that he found Shepard's life more worthy of protecting than his own…  
  
"And _you_ need to understand that you're not alone in this!" Kaidan said, refusing to let Shepard's anger intimidate him.  After all, it wasn't the first time that he'd been yelled at, hit, or even thrown against the wall by someone in a position of authority.  It hadn't stopped him from speaking his mind then, and it sure wouldn't stop him from doing it now!  
  
There was a voice in the back of his mind telling him to calm down, that all he was doing by letting things escalate this way was making it worse...  But he was way past reasoning right now.  Maybe it was the meds, maybe he was too tired for this, but he just couldn't bring himself to stop.  
  
"You've got the best goddamn squad in the galaxy!  Don't you think you should take advantage of everyone's strengths and work as a team out there, instead of running your own damn one man show?" he said, his barrier activating against his will, enveloping his body in its protective shell of dark energy and giving his eyes an eerily blue glow.  
  
"Should Ashley start offering herself as human target to keep us all from harm, too, because she lost her squad back on Eden Prime?"   _Damn it, why couldn't he understand?_  
  
"I trust you with my life, Shepard, but I can't trust you with yours because you've got it all wrong!  There's no reason why you got to live, and all of these people had to die!  No great cosmic answer!  It's not something that you could have controlled, and what happened with your family and Akuze is _**not your fault**_!"  For some reason, saying it out loud made most of his anger deflate, and his barrier slowly deactivated...  
  
Now, he just felt numb, empty, on the verge of breaking down…  His eyes were filled with unshed tears, but he didn't care.  "Please, just stop punishing yourself for this…" he said, his tone almost pleading. "That's not the way to break the cycle."  
  
A tremor ran through Shepard's body as he listened to Kaidan, and he could feel the hairs on his arms and the back of his neck stand on end as a crackle of blue electricity danced across his skin. He tried to bite it down, teeth grinding together hard enough to hurt – he wasn't sure if his biotics were just reacting to Kaidan's, or his emotions, or a combination of both, but it took all of his willpower and then some not to just discharge a nova right then and there. He'd never been so upset, so ready to _explode_ – and unlike Kaidan, he lacked the self-control required to keep his powers in check.  
  
Each word was like a stab in the gut. _Not your fault_. He was tired of hearing that; the fix-it answer, the hollow pity from sympathetic onlookers. Every day for months after the accident, empty words offered to him like a Band-Aid that had lost its adhesive. It had been forever since anyone had used that tired piece of sympathy on him. He wanted to snap, to yell – _how the fuck do you know!? You weren't there!_   But the words caught in his throat and made his chest hurt.  
  
When he finally unclenched his fingers from around the gurney's railing, a string of blue static connected and broke between the metal and his parting fingertips. He needed to go, to get out of here, before he exploded and hurt someone. He may have been madder than Hell, seeing red, gut burning, but even then he couldn't stomach the thought of accidentally hurting Kaidan. Not any more than he already had, judging by the barely suppressed glistening in those sad, beautiful brown eyes. He could feel his chest tightening all over again.  
  
He immediately pivoted on his heel and turned away, suddenly and completely unable to face him anymore. He had to leave, _now_. He didn't even say anything, no final word, no parting argument – just footsteps as he stalked out of the med bay, the door sliding shut behind him.  
  
He knew there were people on the crew deck. He could feel their eyes burning holes into his back as he strode across the deck, murmured confusion and fear when they caught sight of the crackling energy, the unearthly glow turning his grey eyes blue. He couldn't be sure if he and Kaidan had been loud enough for them to hear – and even if they had been, he just didn't care. He didn't stop, didn't look, didn't speak – the door to his cabin shut behind him and he slammed a fist on the control panel to lock it.  
  
And just like that, the thread snapped, and he let loose a frustrated scream, channeling the pent up energy into a wild, unfocused throw attack. His desk chair and the datapads on his desk were the unlucky targets – being the only items in the room not bolted to the floor or out of range – sent flinging across the room and slamming into the far wall. The chair somehow managed to survive the impact and landed with a clatter on the floor, but the datapads weren't as fortunate. At least three of them snapped into pieces, and most of the rest overloaded and showered pitiful sparks across the floor.  
  
He stared at the carnage for a long time, taking in deep, shuddering breaths, fighting and failing to stop his heart from racing, his legs from trembling, his chest from hurting.  His legs finally gave out despite his better efforts and he collapsed back against the door to keep from crashing to the floor. He slid downwards until he was sitting, knees bent at chest level and head dropping downwards to meet his hands, palms covering his face as he choked down the overwhelming urge to cry, or scream, or… _something_. What, he didn't know. But whatever it was, he'd rather rot on the floor than let it happen.  
  
This wasn't right. He wasn't supposed to feel this fragile, this unstable and _damaged_. He wasn't damaged. He refused to accept that label. He was functional, he was a leader, he knew what he was doing, and everything he did, he did for a reason. But then he'd remember Kaidan's eyes, his expression, the way he'd looked at him and singlehandedly managed to crack him open and see everything that was wrong with him and the decisions that he had made. He didn't know if he was just that easy to read, or that Kaidan was the first person able to understand his language.  
  
But he couldn't sit there, laying on the floor and wallowing in his self-pity and anger.  He still had a mission to take care of. Things to do. He was a leader first and foremost, and the last thing his crew needed was for him to take to locking himself up in his cabin every time he snapped.  
  
He pulled up his omnitool, scrolling across the interface and trying to steady himself as he searched for the proper comm link. Once he'd found it, he opened the channel with the flick of a button. "Joker, take us on to Noveria," he ordered, voice toneless and calm despite his current state, sitting on the floor of his cabin and trying not to break down.  
  
"Aye aye, Commander," came the response – he could tell by the lilt in his response that Joker wanted to ask him an inevitable question, but to his credit, he refrained. Joker wasn't exactly known for his tact, so it was a welcomed reprieve.  
  
"ETA?"  
  
"Four days."  
  
Shepard sighed, before sending back a confirmation and closing the interface with a soft _blip_ sound. He leaned his head back against the door, staring up at the dim strip lighting of the ceiling, trying – and failing – to collect his thoughts. This was going to be a long four days…


	6. Chapter 6

Kaidan was lying on his bunk bed, alone in the crew quarters, lights dimmed as he tried to deal with yet another headache.  He realized that he had been doing this an awful lot lately.    
  
Well, it's not like he had much else to do.  
  
It had been a few weeks since he'd been cleared for field duty, but Shepard had made it abundantly clear that he was to remain "grounded" on the ship.  Not in those exact terms, of course…  But it seemed that their conversation in the med bay had created a significant rift between them.    
  
 _Really, Alenko, and what did you expect?_  
  
Shepard had been hurting, tired, and obviously struggling with the day's events.  And instead of trying to be understanding and take things slow, waiting for his mind to clear in order to discuss what had happened, Kaidan had just kept pushing… Pushing, and pushing, and pushing until the Commander had finally found himself backed against the wall, and he'd successfully ended up pushing him away from him altogether.  
  
And now, it appeared that he'd scared him into hiding, too, as he'd heard crewmembers commenting about how Commander Shepard was acting rather authoritative and distant lately.  He was still nice and courteous enough with them, but he'd taken to keeping most interactions to a minimum, and remained entirely focused on the job.  
  
Should he be that surprised?  After all, this wasn't the first friend that he'd ever scared away…  Not the first time that he'd let that temper of his take over, and ended up losing one of the people that meant the most to him in the process…  And now, Shepard hated him. Though to hate him, he supposed that he would have needed to _like_ him in the first place...  
  
Deep down, Kaidan knew that it was only his insecurities talking, old wounds reopening and toying with his perceptions of what had truly happened.  Shepard _had_ liked him. Enough that he'd allowed him to get close, and had even opened up to him about issues that had obviously been deeply painful and personal. Enough that Shepard had held his hand, and watched over him when he'd been wounded…  For a while, he'd truly found a good and sincere friend, someone that had cared for and trusted him.  
  
Kaidan didn't know if that made it better or worse, though.  The knowledge that they'd successfully managed to build such a meaningful connection together, only for him to utterly destroy that trust afterwards in a single strike…  
  
He'd tried making things right.  He'd gone to see Shepard shortly after being released from the med bay; he had wanted the chance to explain what had happened or, at the very least, to apologize.  But before he'd had the chance to do so, the Commander had interrupted him curtly, saying in no uncertain terms that unless he wanted to talk about something directly related to the mission, he didn't want to hear it.  
  
As melodramatic as it may have sounded, the gunshot to the chest had been less sudden, _and_ less painful.  He'd expected Shepard to be mad at him; after all, he probably had every right to be.  Maybe yell at him again, even.  But in all the time they'd spent together, he'd never been so cold or unforgiving.  That, he hadn't been prepared for.  
  
Kaidan had given it a few days…  Tried to watch for an opening while finding excuses to go see him – needing him to sign a requisition order, or asking him to give him the okay before interrupting certain systems to initiate repair, for example – but each and every time, Shepard had been very to the point, his gaze icy and hard, almost as if there was no one there behind those eyes anymore.  
  
He hated the fact that he couldn't help but feel that it was entirely his fault.  That _he_ 'd been the one doing that to him; forcing Shepard back behind the heavy walls that he'd had to build at a certain point in his life to protect himself.    
  
It wasn't so much what he'd told Shepard that bothered him, but _how_ he'd said it.  The words coming out of his mouth had been too harsh, too aggressive, too direct. That he may have been right or wrong didn't matter.  What mattered to him was that Shepard hadn't deserved being spoken to like that.  Not from his Lieutenant, and especially not from his friend.  
  
In moments like these, Kaidan wished that he could just go back in time to that moment where the fear and anger had taken over him, and be able to tell Shepard that they would talk about it once they were both less tired and rattled instead.  
  
He still wasn't ready to give up, though.  After all, Kaidan had always been a very patient man, and if there were any way that he could find to make things right between them again, he'd just have to keep looking until he found it.  So, he still tried to make himself easily available…  Still made a point of preparing a double set of protein shakes, though Shepard never took his…  Still was the first one on deck whenever the Commander and his squad returned from a mission, even though Shepard would never meet his gaze, or even acknowledge his presence.  
  
From an outside point of view, Kaidan supposed that his behavior might have looked rather pathetic, really.  But he simply couldn't bring himself to accept that Shepard could just close himself off from the whole world like that.  Not when he'd gotten the chance to get to know the wonderful and caring man that he knew was still within.  He simply couldn't abandon him.  
  
Their primary mission was also getting even more perilous and complex, despite the fact that they had made some significant progress.  At least, from what he'd heard during the Noveria debrief.  
  
They'd successfully found Matriarch Benezia, but hadn't been able to save her life as they had previously hoped – she had been the victim of indoctrination, a new tool Saren had in his employ.  Apparently, Saren had found a way to suppress the will and mind of his victims, transforming them into his unwilling servants.  Liara's mother had still shown remarkable strength and courage by finding a way to break free from indoctrination long enough to provide them with all the information that she knew, and allow herself to be defeated. She had refused their attempts to help her, and had instead chosen death as her only solution.  
  
As could be expected, Liara was heartbroken, but she was still determined to push forward with the mission so that her mother's sacrifice wouldn't be in vain.  
  
They'd also found that, contrary to popular belief, the rachni were not quite extinct.  A single egg had remained, and from it a rachni queen had hatched.  Once she had reached maturity, that queen had then been able to give birth to many children.  Children that a group of scientists had sought to control in order to form an army.  
  
However, without the proper guidance from their mother, these children had gone mad and aggressive, and, according to the queen, beyond saving.  The queen had asked Shepard to kill them, in order to put an end to their torment.  She'd also asked to be allowed to go free, and for the chance for her race to begin anew; she promised that she would teach her children about his forgiveness, and would pose no threat to the other species.  
  
Shepard had chosen to believe her and set her free…  And Kaidan had to admit that had he been there, he would probably have suggested that they make that same choice.  While he did feel a bit uncomfortable getting involved in a decision that humanity had very little knowledge of, since they hadn't been around during the rachni wars…  Condemning an entire race to extinction for the mistakes of their ancestors didn't feel right, either.  They could only hope and pray that the rachni's intentions were genuine, and that she would keep her promise.  
  
It had been hard, having to stay on board while Shepard had gone to that frozen planet with Liara and Ashley.  Of course, since he'd still been healing from his injury at that time, it wasn't like he could have accompanied them anyway.  But still, it hadn't done anything to lessen his worries…  
  
No matter the cause, he'd discovered that it was very difficult for him to be left behind on the ship while he knew that Shepard was risking his life out there, wondering when and if he would be making it back to them.  He'd been so used to regularly fighting alongside him and his squad so far that he was having a very hard time adjusting.  And he didn't think that he ever would.  Being forced to watch from the sidelines was driving him completely mad.  If there was any work to be done somewhere on the ship and people needed help, Kaidan was always likely to be the first one to volunteer – anything to keep his mind off of how completely and utterly useless he felt.  
  
So even if Shepard didn't feel like interacting on a more personal level with him anymore, he would have at least appreciated being allowed to keep doing the part of his job that he knew he was good at, and that he loved the most.  He couldn't stand being cooped up when he knew that the galaxy wasn't safe out there, and that he could do something to make it better.  Yeah, perhaps Shepard was right, and he was a bit of a romantic.  Still didn't help his case much, though.  
  


 

* * *

  
  
_'So why exactly did I volunteer for this again?'_ Ashley thought to herself, as she found herself face to face with the door to the Commander's cabin.   _'Oh, yes!'_   Because Joker had yet to learn about that people's skill called tact, Tali was afraid that she'd just end up stammering, Garrus hadn't been around humans long enough yet to be comfortable reading their body language, Dr. Chakwas wouldn't risk a conflict of interest, and Liara had enough on her mind with the death of her mother. And Wrex – well, Wrex really didn't seem to give a shit one way or another.  
  
She, on the other hand, was a tough bitch that could take on anything!   _'Damn right!'_   Including a potentially moody Commander Shepard…   _'Well, better get on with it then.'_  
  
"Commander!" she called out, summoning the courage to knock on the door.  "Open up!  I've got to talk to you!"  
  
Shepard looked up from where he'd been reading over a message on his omnitool, unable to keep from frowning at the tone lacing Ashley's voice – a niggling voice in the back of his head told him to duck for cover, but he ignored it as he deactivated the interface and crossed the room.  
  
It had been weeks since any of his crew had come to see him in his cabin. In fact, the last person he'd allowed inside had been Kaidan, when he'd brought him food after the mission on Ontarom. He felt his mouth twist a bit. He couldn't even look Kaidan in the eye anymore after what he'd said to him in the med bay.  
  
After that exchange, he hadn't been able to look _anyone_ in the eye without feeling completely and utterly exposed. He felt like a damn egg with its shell cracked and falling away, piece by piece, and he couldn't help but feel like Kaidan was the one who had cracked him. He'd spent so long retreating from everyone, pulling back behind a wall, that when he'd finally taken the time to peek around the corner, the whole thing had crumbled. It was embarrassing for him to feel so paranoid when speaking to the rest of his crew, but after what Kaidan had told him… he didn't want to risk opening himself up like that again.  
  
And if that meant building that wall back up again and standing firmly behind it, then so be it. Kaidan himself had said it – he was a Spectre now. He had responsibilities and a mission dire enough that it might affect the galaxy as a whole. Going around getting touchy-feely with his crew wasn't going to help when zero hour came and they weren't ready to do their jobs. So, he'd hardened up, shaken out his Commander title and put it to use.  
  
And all he had to do was convince himself that the productivity was worth it.  
  
He opened the door, finding Ashley standing firmly on the other side. "Make it quick, Williams. I have a top priority mission from Hackett waiting and I need to get to the bridge."  
  
"Look Commander, I know that whatever happened between you and Alenko isn't any of my damn business.  And you have the right to do your work and spend your downtime as you see fit," she began immediately, hoping to be able to get her message through before Shepard could interrupt and send her away, "but the rest of the crew is getting really worried about the LT.  He's been spending the last few weeks either working, moping around, isolating himself in any dark corner that he's been able to find on the ship, or, as Joker would put it, sending 'puppy dog eyes' your way, sir."   
  
Well, that was the brief summary of their collective observations. If she had more time she might have gone into more detail, but it was clear she didn't.  "Plus, according to Dr. Chakwas, there's been a significant increase in the frequency and intensity of his migraines; not to mention that he's also been losing weight.  And before you ask, it doesn't appear to be related in any way to his recent physical injury.  The doctor's guess is that it's stress related."  
  
She paused, giving Shepard the time to process all of the information that she'd just basically thrown at him.  Well, he did ask her to make it quick, and she was usually rather good at following orders.  
  
"Just thought that, as acting Captain of the ship, you'd have wanted to know how your second-in-command was doing," she said, trying to keep any reproach out of her voice and getting ready to bolt out of there if need be.  
  
Shepard stared at her for a long moment, before sighing heavily and rubbing the bridge of his nose with a scowl. He shook his head for a moment, before lowering his hand and pinning her with a look. "If it's because I stopped taking him on missions, then that's a personal problem he's going to have to work through on his own. He questioned my authority and my judgment on the field, and because of that, he's become a liability in combat. Until I know that he can trust my decisions, then he's grounded."  
  
That was a convenient lie, and Shepard knew it. Yes, Kaidan's actions on the field were the catalyst for their blow-up in the med bay, and the cause of Shepard's initial anger. But that had changed very quickly. He had gone from being angry with Kaidan for putting himself in danger in order to undermine Shepard's tactics, to being angry with Kaidan for ripping apart his reasoning, judging his motivations, and the worst part – seeing right through him like he was made of glass. And he'd spent the last three weeks trying to choke down the sense of regret, that he had no right to be angry with him, and that he'd just ruined something that was far more important than his need to be in control on the battlefield. _He saved your sorry ass – more than once – and you thank him by yelling at him and then avoiding him like a leper. Really fucking smooth, Shepard._  
  
But it didn't stop him from saying it and trying to convince Ashley otherwise. He didn't need the whole crew to know that he was avoiding Kaidan for personal reasons, not taking him on missions because he couldn't bear the thought of him getting hurt again because of his actions. He couldn't even speak to him because he didn't know what he would say. He was too afraid of what might happen if he let him get too close again; of what he might see, what else he might find. Some wounds took longer to heal than others, and some of the things Kaidan had said… it was like ripping off the scabs and starting all over again. But Ashley definitely didn't need to know that, even though it was easy to tell she wasn't entirely convinced.  
  
Ashley looked at Shepard curiously for a few seconds. What she hadn't told him was that his squad was starting to get a bit worried about him, too.  They knew that the two of them had gotten pretty close since the mission had begun, and ever since they'd apparently had that confrontation in the med bay, Shepard had begun to section himself off from the rest of the crew as well.  Somehow, the Commander was just a bit better at hiding his feelings and faking complete detachment.  
  
"Well, forgive me for asking, sir.  But have you given him a chance to explain himself?" she tried tentatively.  "Perhaps he's revised his opinion and is ready to follow your orders without questioning them now.  You'll never know unless you ask, though."   _And even less if every time that Kaidan comes to see you, you turn him down_ , she thought to herself.  
  
Shepard's expression faltered, and he looked away. "He made it abundantly clear that he doesn't trust my combat tactics. I won't risk him getting injured again trying to play hero," he replied, tone hardening with the harshness of his words. But it was partly true; even if Kaidan had miraculously changed his mind since their argument, there was no guarantee that he wouldn't go right back to sacrificing his efforts and concentration trying to keep Shepard safe when he'd made it abundantly clear that he didn't want him to. And if Shepard had to choose between grounding him and watching him get killed… Well, did he really need to answer that question?  
  
Ashley smiled sadly…  So that's what it was really all about, wasn't it?  
  
"You know my unit back on Eden Prime, the 212?  Some of those people, I'd served with ever since we enlisted in the Alliance.  That woman whose husband we met on the Citadel, Nirali Bahtia…" she said, pausing for a few seconds to give Shepard the chance to remember the encounter, "…she kept listening to recordings of Samesh's voice _every single night_.  At first, I found it a little annoying, but then I figured 'hey!  Whatever keeps her happy!' You know?  That was supposed to be her last mission, and then she was going to retire to spend more time with him.  They were going to open a restaurant together, and start a family…"  
  
She swallowed hard, trying to keep the shaking out of her voice.  "But of course, she will never get to do that. Nirali was the last one of us to fall." Even to this day, she still couldn't help but wonder why she had been the one to make it, when a woman that had so much to look forward to - a devoted husband that loved her more than anything in the world, even after years of marriage… A lifelong dream she wanted to fulfill… was gone.  Despite her beliefs in something greater and hopefully better, she had often found herself wondering if this time, God had made a mistake.  
  
"I went to see Liara, after her mother died," she went on, continuing her line of thoughts. "I guess I wanted to know how the asari managed to cope with the fact that they lived so long, while people around them kept dying.  I mean, when I lost my father, I figured that it would be just a few decades before he got to hold me in his arms again, if I ever made it that far…  But Liara?  She has hundreds and hundreds of years to look forward to before she ever sees her mother again." It was funny how she used to envy the asari, and even resent them for their longevity in the past.  Getting the chance to live so long and experience so much, it had always seemed incredibly exciting.   But now, she knew that such a long lifespan came with a heavy price…  The asari were surprisingly strong and resilient people to be able to keep on going for so long.  
  
"She told me that asari are taught from the time they are very young to value, enjoy, and cherish the time they are given to spend with a loved one," she explained, recalling Liara's words.  "They see it as a gift; each and every single soul that ever touches their lives being a blessing, a miracle in itself.  Whenever they fall in love with a human or even a salarian, they believe that the pain they feel at their loss is only a tribute to how strong the love that they shared was; proof that this person's gift of love and companionship was truly pure, and worthwhile."  
  
She took a deep breath, her expression turning once again sad and thoughtful.  "She then asked me if I could say that I regretted having gotten to know every single one of the people in my unit; every single member of that squad that I'd led into battle until then, and that had put their trust in me.  If I could say that I would rather never have been touched by them in my life at all," she said, her eyes glistening as she fought back tears.  
  
"And no matter how much I wish that I had died alongside them sometimes…  Or what I'd be ready to give for our places to be exchanged, so I wouldn't be the one left mourning the wonderful comrades I had," she said sincerely, fully knowing that there was nothing that she wouldn't have been ready to give up for them, and drawing comfort from that knowledge.  "I know that I can't regret any of the moments that we've shared, sir.  Despite the pain, I have no regrets; and I'd rather keep the pain than ever having to completely let them go."  
  
She sighed, trying to collect herself.  "I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I can understand and respect what you are trying to do, sir. But if you want to keep Kaidan out of the fight because you know that he's willing to risk his life for a friend, then perhaps you should think about grounding all of us too," she added in a quiet voice.  
  
"Because as far as I'm concerned, I'd rather die than lose either one of you; or even one of the aliens, sir.  And if I feel so strongly about this, I know that I'm not the only one."  The truth was that no matter how hard someone tried to keep others safe, they could never entirely control the circumstances that they would be faced with, or how others would respond to them.  Ultimately, it was unfair and selfish to ask others to preserve their own lives at any cost, when they knew how painful it was to be the one left to mourn.  It didn't make the prospect of ever having to lose any of them easier, though.  
  
Shepard was silent for a long time, expression flickering in varying states of conflict and understanding as he considered Ashley's words. If he had even considered pulling back in defense, the idea was long gone. He wasn't going to perpetuate a lie when it was just that – a lie. And Ashley had hit the nail on the head, driving home just how foolish he was being. He knew from the beginning that he was wrong, but it was made all the more tangible when it was said to his face. When it was just his own thoughts, he could deny and deny and deny, justifying lies and convincing himself that it was for the best. But looking at Ashley as she looked at him, eyes shining with suppressed tears, baring part of herself in an effort to show him that he wasn't alone and that he had options to deal with his suffering beyond taking it out on the people who cared about him… It was all he could do not to just sink into the ground out of complete and utter shame.  
  
"I'm… not going to argue with you, Chief. Not when I know that you're right," he finally conceded in a quiet voice, tearing his eyes away from her face so he could stare at a point somewhere to his left. "It's just… It's difficult to get out of the mindset that when I look at my crew, all I see is another Akuze waiting to happen. And I know I don't have enough strength left to handle more loss. Especially if that loss is because of my actions, for the sake of my survival. That's why… why things happened the way they did with Kaidan. And that's selfish of me, being more concerned about the idea of suffering more loss than allowing my crew the freedom to make their own decisions on the battlefield. I still don't like the idea of my squad dying trying to protect me, but… that's not my decision to make."  
  
Saying it out loud had a sobering effect on him, he realized. The last bits of anger, frustration, and self-hatred still hazing around the corners of his mind seemed to dissipate. Now he just felt ashamed. He sighed, before forcing himself to make eye contact with Ashley again. "At this point, I owe each and every single one of you an apology. And I'm sorry, Ashley. I'm sorry that you had to tell me these things just to make me realize how foolish I'm being. And… I appreciate it. I appreciate the openness, and I appreciate the empathy. And I'm just sorry that I shoved everyone aside like that, you included." He paused for a long moment, before continuing. "You and I… we've both seen it. We've lost people that we wanted to protect. The difference is that you've turned it around into something positive, remembering how important those soldiers were to you despite how painful it was to lose them like that. I…"  
  
His expression twisted and he had to look away again to hide it. "I'm not that strong. It's been six years and I'm still letting that pain control me. I just pretend like it's not."  
  
"I understand, sir.  As far as I'm concerned, you have nothing to be sorry for," she said gently, thinking that for a man that claimed not being strong, he was doing an amazing job owning up to his mistakes.  That, in itself, took plenty of strength and courage.  
  
"And perhaps one of the reasons why it seems like I'm having an easier time adjusting to what happened on Eden Prime is because I still have people around me that I strongly care about, and that are doing their very best to help me deal with the loss," she explained, remembering that whenever she felt like the whole world was collapsing around her, her loved ones always managed to give her something to hold on to.  "There's my mother and sisters, a few friends back on Earth…  My new team here, on the Normandy, and even you, sir," she added, offering him a shy smile.  
  
"Without them, I'd probably feel completely lost and already dead inside," she admitted, remembering how many times she'd found comfort in the knowledge that if she ever needed to talk, one of her sisters was only one click away.  "They're what gives me the will to fight through the pain, and find my way back to them."  
  
"That strength is in you," she said with conviction, not doubting it for a single minute.  "Maybe all you need is a little help to find it."  
  
"I'm just glad that your idea of help didn't involve punching me. After how I've been acting, I'd be inclined to allow it," Shepard said, a slight smile gracing his lips – he realized that it was probably the first time he'd smiled in weeks. It felt strange and awkward but he felt good, knowing he could still do it. "I… I appreciate this, Ash. Thank you."  
  
He paused, however, raising his forearm to chest level and looking down at his omnitool as a slight frown worked its way across his features. "I need you to do me a favor, if it's all right. I need you to take these coordinates up to the bridge and have Joker set a course. It's top priority from Hackett," he explained, tapping a command into his omnitool so the message would transfer to Ashley's device. "I… I need to go speak with Kaidan."  
  
Ashley nodded with a smile.  "Sure thing, Commander," she said, activating her own omnitool to make sure that she had the coordinates.  "Oh, and one more thing."  She took one step closer towards Shepard.  
  
"Last time I saw the LT, he was in the crew quarters with the lights almost out," she told him, raising her hands to level with his head and gently putting a little pressure on his temples, moving her fingers in small circular motions. Shepard looked immensely confused for a moment, but he didn't pull away.  
  
"You feel that?  The more sensitive spots right here, on both sides?" she asked, waiting for Shepard to nod in response.  "If he's still in a lot of pain, and you want to help him through it, doing a small massage like that should help," she said, shrugging a little as she removed her hands from Shepard's head.  "You know, I'm just saying…  He might be more receptive to what you have to say if your voice isn't competing with the pounding in his head."  She then took a step back.  
  
"Now go, I don't want to keep you."  
  
Shepard would have like to say more, maybe thank her further for her help, but as it stood the only thing on his mind at that moment was making things right with Kaidan before it was too late. If it wasn't too late already. He'd shoved the other man so far away that there might be no chance at all to recover – a painful thought, but he couldn't rule it out. And he definitely wouldn't blame Kaidan for shutting him out. He deserved far worse.  
  
He nodded his thanks to the Chief, before sliding past her and walking towards the crew quarters. Thankfully he didn't encounter anyone on the way there – at least, none of the crewmembers he passed made any moves to intercept him. He was suddenly and acutely aware that they seemed to part ways around him and took to drifting further away if he walked near them, like there was some kind of reverse magnetic field keeping everyone at least ten paces away from him on all sides. He hadn't noticed it before, but now it was obvious – Kaidan wasn't the only one he'd shoved away. That sense of shame bubbled to life in his stomach once again, but he swallowed it down and held himself straight as he stopped at the door to the crew quarters.  
  
He opened the door before he could even think about hesitating, stifling the voice in the back of his head that was trying to yell at him to turn around and leave. To think about what he was about to do before he did it. But he rarely ever stopped to plan these things out – he operated on instinct and impulse. Reckless, but effective… at least, in some circumstances. Maybe this wasn't one of them. But it was too late because the door was sliding shut behind him as he stepped into the room, pausing to let his eyes adjust to the near-absent light.  
  
The bunks were empty and made up neatly, aside from the one in the far back corner – there was a figure laying prone on it, an arm thrown over his eyes and from what he could see of his expression, it was twisted in discomfort and pain. He caught him wincing at the sound of the door swishing closed and the sound his boots soles made on the metal floor as he crossed the room.  
  
He didn't even bother introducing himself or trying to start up a conversation. He and Kaidan were past small talk at this point, and trying to start things out on a false lighthearted note would just be an insult to the both of them. He wasn't going to pretend that the last few weeks hadn't happened, either. But he wasn't going to drop heavy conversation on him when he was battling a migraine.  
  
The most important thing right now was showing Kaidan that he still cared – that he hadn't acted the way he had because he'd stopped. He had never stopped, he'd just… hidden it. Not that that was any more justified, because it wasn't. Nothing Shepard had done was justified.  
  
"Hey," he whispered – he tried to avoid startling him or causing his head to hurt worse, but it didn't work. He saw him jump a bit in surprise, immediately lowering his arm to look at the man standing over him as though he needed to confirm it was he who had spoken. Shepard didn't give him a chance to voice his thoughts, however. "Sit up."  
  
He received a questioning look in response, and he responded by jerking his head to the side. "Trust me. Sit up."  
  
He waited for Kaidan to comply, before he sat down behind him and immediately slid into a more comfortable position with a leg on either side of the Lieutenant. He saw him tense a bit in confusion and discomfort at the strange position they were suddenly in, but he didn't complain or question his actions.  
  
"Relax for me, okay?" Shepard murmured, before reaching up and pressing his fingertips to Kaidan's temples, doing his best to gently mimic the motions Ashley had shown him earlier. "Is this helping?"  
  
"Much," Kaidan replied quietly, taking in a shaky breath, and allowing his head to fall back against Shepard's shoulder.  He tried his best to relax and let go of the tension that had accumulated in his body, completely giving in to the other man's touch, his upper back lazily resting on Shepard's torso, almost melding into him…  
  
He could feel himself trembling lightly, and could only hope that Shepard wouldn't take notice.  Actually, it was almost a good thing that his migraine was so intense right now, or else he would have been tempted to dismiss what was happening as a dream.  He didn't know what had happened for Shepard to suddenly decide to come see him, and act so caringly, especially after having been so cold and distant over the last few weeks; but right now, it didn't matter.  
  
All the mattered is that he was here...  And Kaidan had to fight back the urge to simply turn around, gather the other man in his arms, and allow himself to just break down completely, feeling safe once again in the comfort of his embrace.  Instead, he just laid there, eyes closed, in a strange state of both pleasure and pain, profound anguish mixed with overwhelming relief.  
  
He kept trying to take deep, calming breaths…  Giving his mind some time to clear, his feelings to settle a little and make sense, and the pulsing pain in his head to lessen some more before attempting to say anything.  Right now, all that would come out of his mouth was likely to be some garbled mess anyway.  Besides, part of him was worried that he'd just end up pushing Shepard away from him once more, and for the moment being, he craved the contact and needed him too strongly to allow it to happen.  
  
Whether it was because of Shepard's presence or the massage itself, the headache finally began to clear out after a few minutes.  
  
"I've missed you…" Kaidan said in a strangled voice, barely above a whisper.  The words had come out of his mouth before he'd had the chance to stop them, having voiced his thoughts without even thinking.  He winced as he realized how pitiful he sounded.  "And I'm so, so sorry…" he added, grateful that he was now being given the chance to say it.  
  
The movements of Shepard's hands stopped for a moment in hesitation, before he resumed the massage. "You don't have anything to apologize for, Kaidan," he whispered back, trying to put as much sincerity into his words as he could. "I was the one who was acting foolish. I had no right to speak to you the way I did, and the way I've been treating you has been unforgiveable. Instead of trying to work things out I pushed you and everyone else away, and I shouldn't have done that."  
  
He sighed, shaking his head slightly. "I put my inability to cope with loss above my squad's rights to make their own decisions on the battlefield," he said, repeating what he'd said to Ashley before, "And as much as I hate the idea of someone dying to protect me, it's not my decision to make. That's not something I can, or should, control."  
  
His expression twisted in sadness for a moment and he was glad that Kaidan couldn't see his face. "You saved my life, Kaidan, and I yelled at you. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for everything, for hurting you and disrespecting your decisions and… everything." He cracked a slight smile, however, unable to stop the soft, shaking laugh that escaped. "And I'm sorry I keep giving you heart attacks on the battlefield. I'll try to hold back on the reckless headfirst tactics."  
  
Kaidan chuckled slightly, though it had a pained edge to it.  "I'd really appreciate that, Commander," he said, feeling deeply touched and a little overwhelmed by Shepard's words.  "I'm still sorry, though," he added quietly, swallowing the lump in his throat.  
  
"I'm sorry that I immediately went on the defensive, instead of giving you some time to come to terms with everything that had just happened…  I'm sorry that I let my own fears and frustrations take over, and ended up confronting you so harshly on sensitive issues that I should have treated with more tact, patience, and respect," he said sincerely, still feeling like he had quite his share of responsibilities in how things had gone down between them.  
  
"I was out of line back there…  You're a good friend, but you're also my commanding officer.  And the way I spoke to you, I feel like I basically treated you like a child.  That was definitely uncalled for," he admitted, feeling somewhat ashamed that he'd let it go this far in the first place.  
  
"I didn't mean to hurt you, or throw you for a loop like I did."  After all, if he'd handled things better back then, Shepard would probably never have felt the need to retreat behind a protective wall in the first place.  "So yeah, I guess I'm really sorry too, Shepard..."  
  
Shepard gave a quiet laugh under his breath, shaking his head again. "I don't think the message would have gone through if you had waited. It's probably for the best that you came down on me like that – I wouldn't have learned anything otherwise. I'm just sorry that I reacted so immaturely. I ask for criticism, and when I get it, I run. I'm not setting a very good example, am I?"  
  
Kaidan returned the laugh.  "Well, I figured that I was just lucky that I didn't get thrown in the brig for insubordination," he joked with a little shrug.  "I guess we're really two shining examples of the Alliance's finest and brightest, aren't we?"  
  
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Shepard; most Commanders I've served with wouldn't even have tolerated any form of criticism in the first place," he added, sitting up slowly and turning around, cross-legged, so that they were now facing.  As pleasant as the head massage was, and as tempting as it would have been to let Shepard continue; now that he was feeling better, he didn't want to abuse his kindness.  
  
"So, you and I, we're good, right?" he asked, feeling a bit silly for asking the question when so much had already been said; yet still needing that reassurance, for some reason.  
  
A soft smile crossed Shepard's lips, and he gave a short nod. "We're good. I mean, so long as you're good. Because I'm good."  
  
He pulled his legs back in so he was sitting cross-legged as well, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together. "I just received a priority mission from Hackett. We're going to investigate an Alliance facility on Gellix that just went dark. I… wanted to ask you if you'd like to be on the drop team."  
  
Kaidan laughed. "And here I was just about to ask you if you were planning on letting me go play outside for a bit soon.  I think you just read my mind, Commander," he said with an excited smile, happy to receive confirmation that he was officially allowed to return to work.  Well, the fun part of his job, that is.  While he wasn't the type of soldier that tended to underestimate the danger they were in or make light of it, as Shepard had no doubt found out, he was still a man of action.  
  
"I think that Joker would have ended up putting little tags on every panel of the Normandy saying 'mine,' or something like that otherwise," he said, remembering the annoyed looks that the pilot had been sending his way over the last few weeks. "When I don't know what to do with myself, I tend to start maintaining all of the ship's systems; and I think that Joker's a bit possessive when it comes to _his_ baby.  I swear the man would probably try dating the ship if he could!"  
  
Shepard snorted with laughter. "Don't give him any ideas, he might try anyway," he said, before his smile flattened out a bit and he grew more somber. "I really am sorry I grounded you, though. I had no right to punish you like that." He rubbed the side of his neck as a somewhat sheepish look crossed his face. "And I was so busy scolding you that I never thanked you for saving my life. So… thank you, Kaidan. If it weren't for you I would be a bloody smear on the battlefield, probably ten times over at this point."  
  
Kaidan was rather grateful for the fact that the lights were so low…  Or else the Commander would probably have seen him blush.  Again.  Why was it that Shepard always managed to get him so flustered, for some reason?  "Well, I happen to believe that you're well worth saving, Shepard," he replied with a gentle, genuine smile.  "Besides, if you hadn't gotten to me in time when I got shot, and given me something tangible to hold on to, I probably wouldn't be here," he said, remembering how the Commander had remained by his side and supported him every step of the way.  
  
"You know, I lied…" he added with a soft sigh "…I wasn't doing it for the mission; although, it is true that you are what's keeping the mission together, and we can't quite afford to lose you without suffering a major drawback," he pointed out.   
  
"I wanted to keep you safe simply because I was terrified to lose you," he said sincerely, looking away a bit shyly.  "I mean, I know that what we are doing is dangerous and there's always a risk but…  If something had happened to you while I knew that I could have done something to stop it, I don't think that I would have been able to forgive myself afterwards."  
  
He looked down at his hands, fidgeting with them nervously. "I just thought you should know."  
  
Shepard smiled a little at that, before reaching over and laying a comforting hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "I think that's something that both you and I can agree on. When I found out that you had gotten hurt because you were trying to protect me… I was so ashamed of myself." His expression faltered, and he looked down as well. "When I saw you get hit… everything just froze. I wasn't thinking about the mission, or me, or the enemy – the only thing that mattered was making sure you were alive. Losing a soldier under my command is difficult enough; I didn't want to lose someone I care about. Not if I could help it."  
  
As Shepard spoke to him, Kaidan had found the courage to look back up.  He didn't know why, but he could've sworn that his heart was beating faster as their eyes met, something deep within him stirring.  "I remember you asking me to hold on, and I did, didn't I?" he asked with a soft smile.  "So how about we give this another try?" he said, before realizing that he was being a little vague, and clarifying his meaning.  "Next time we get out there, let's do what we can to keep _both of us_ safe.  You keep taking calculated risks, and I'll keep providing support; but in a way where we can both watch each other's back," he offered.  
  
"Ultimately, I might be ready to give my life for you or the mission, Shepard.  But truthfully, I'd rather not have to.  Because I would be losing you all the same," he said, realizing that the thought of abandoning Shepard, even against his will, was almost as painful to him as the thought of being left behind.  He truly didn't want to be responsible for putting him through that kind of pain, either.  
  
"Our fighting skills and abilities already complement each other pretty well," he pointed out. "Think we can do this?" he asked, fully willing to trust Shepard on the battlefield as long as he knew that they were both working towards the same goal.  Successfully making it out of there _together_ in one piece.  
  
A slight smile crossed Shepard's lips, and he nodded in response. "We can do this. It was a hard lesson to learn, but I think we've got it," he said with a slight laugh, before he offered Kaidan a genuine smile. "I trust you. And I'll do everything in my power to make sure that you can trust me as well."  
  
He could feel a tightening in his chest as they held eye contact, and he tried to write it off as apprehension. He'd been so nervous, so scared that he'd permanently damaged his friendship with Kaidan – it was like a massive weight had been lifted off of his shoulders now that they were sitting here, able to smile and laugh and know that they could trust each other. So why did it still feel like someone was squeezing his heart in a vice?   
  
_I would be losing you all the same._  
  
Something about the way Kaidan had said it, the tone of his words, made Shepard's heart beat faster, a lump rising unbidden into his throat that he was forced to swallow down quickly. He'd always been focused so heavily on the idea of having to cope with losing another crewmember or a friend, that he'd completely neglected how his dying might affect those around him. Up until then he'd always held everyone at arm's length to avoid putting anyone through the pain he had been through, and in turn he had avoided feeling that pain once again if he were to lose them as well.  
  
But that was the root of the problem, wasn't it? He was so obsessed with stopping that before it happened that he'd given in to recklessness and self-destruction, opting to sacrifice himself if only to never have to feel the loss associated with watching his comrades die. And that wasn't fair for them, because he was taking away their right to make their own decisions. A part of him was still in vehement denial, refusing to even accept the possibility that the time might come where Kaidan or any of his other crewmates would have to sacrifice themselves for the sake of a mission or worse – for the sake of his survival. But that was a reality he was going to have to accept.  
  
"I should probably let you get some more rest," he finally said, breaking off the eye contact awkwardly and moving to get off of the bed, pulling himself into a stand using the railing lining the top bunk. "It'll probably be another couple of days before we reach Gellix."  
  
"Thanks, Shepard," Kaidan said, lying back down, yet still looking up at him.  "Just please make sure that you send in someone to wake me up before the next debrief session, though," he asked, knowing that he had a tendency to be a pretty deep sleeper.  Especially since he hadn't exactly been sleeping well over the last couple of weeks - too many thoughts, nightmares, or headaches...  So yeah, he probably had some catching up to do in the dozing department.  
  
Shepard chuckled under his breath. "Sure thing," he said, before pushing away from the bunk and leaving the room.  
  
He had to pause on the other side of the door, however, not only giving himself time to adjust to the change in lighting but to stop his legs from quaking. He'd gone in there fully expecting to receive a punch to the face or at the very least another verbal lashing, but if anything, felt like the connection between he and Kaidan had only gotten stronger. So why the hell did he feel so damn _nervous_?  
  
It had been a long, long time since someone else had gotten this close to him and made him feel this way. He wasn't used to it – to the idea that he cared about someone and they cared about him in return. And it definitely didn't help that it was a fellow soldier, someone he was supposed to lead and fight alongside. It was difficult not to give into that mindset again, that he had to do everything within his power to protect his crew because of how much they meant to him. But then he would have to remind himself that that mindset was what had gotten Kaidan hurt and had shoved everyone away.  
  
It didn't make it any easier to bear, however.  
  
He sighed in frustration, rubbing his forehead for a moment and trying to will the thoughts away. He wasn't going to revert, not after what he and Kaidan had just spoken about. He was better than that. They had made a commitment to one another and he was going to do everything in his power to honor it. It was really that simple.  
  
If only he could convince his thoughts otherwise.  
  
He shoved away from the door finally, heading back towards his cabin. He had a lot of mending to do and not a lot of time to do it – he'd need to start by calling a meeting, if only to clear the air with his team. He hadn't exactly been open and willing to listen to their concerns as of late, so holding a debrief was about as close to killing multiple birds with one stone as he could get. He sighed to himself – this was going to be an interesting email.

 

* * *

 

They held the debriefing the next day – Shepard had considered holding it as soon as possible, only to remember that Kaidan needed rest and the last thing he wanted to do was drag him out of the crew quarters for a meeting when he was still fighting a headache. So he'd let him rest, and was grateful to see that the next day he looked much better when he'd settled into his seat in the briefing room.  
  
The meeting went well enough. They covered all of the knowledge they had gathered so far, from the beacon on Eden Prime to the location of the Mu Relay they had gained from Matriarch Benezia. Liara's attempts at melding her mind with Shepard's had been mostly unsuccessful so far, only producing a jumble of nightmarish images of protheans being slaughtered. There was still no definitive lead as to where Saren planned on finding the "Conduit" – or even what it was supposed to _do_ – and there were far too many systems connected to the Mu Relay to even consider deducing which one he was headed for.  
  
In the end their debrief session devolved into a theory-slinging contest, but it was far better than what they had had in the past. He didn't say it out loud but Shepard was pleased to see everyone working together, piecing their thoughts together and trying to find ways their theories might coalesce. Things had started off uncomfortable and silent – not a surprise – but before long they were tossing around ideas, concerns, and questions, and he was more than happy to listen to all of it.  
  
While not much had been gained from the meeting, he was glad to at least see that everyone had relaxed, finally coming to the realization that he wasn't going to snap at them anymore. It was a sudden change and they seemed a bit confused at first, but in the end, the relief was tangible and that was all that mattered to Shepard.   
  
He couldn't help but feel concerned, however – every time he looked over to Kaidan to see if he had anything to say, he noticed that the other man was tense, expression pensive. But despite his obvious concern, he never once said anything beyond agreeing or disagreeing with the ideas being tossed around in front of him. He got the distinct feeling that he had something important he wanted to bring up, but was choosing not to. And the couple of times Shepard directly called him out and asked him if he had any concerns, he was met with a shaking head and a terse expression.  
  
Once the meeting had ended and the crew filtered out of the room, back to their usual posts, Shepard decided to take his chances. He wandered out onto the crew deck and eventually found Kaidan sitting at the mess, looking no less pensive.  
  
"Hey," he said to get his attention, pulling out a chair across from him and sitting down, arms crossed on the table. "I'm getting the feeling you wanted to say something back there. Thoughts?"  
  
"Yeah," Kaidan replied, running a hand through his hair.  Despite everything they'd accomplished so far, and every new lead they had found, he still couldn't believe that the Council didn't want to get more involved.  After all, the information about the Mu Relay and Saren's ability to control minds had come straight from Matriarch Benezia, one of the leaders of the asari people.  They'd like to think that the asari councilor would at the very least have taken interest and suggested more resources.  
  
Of course not!  It had been much more productive for them, apparently, to berate the Commander on having let the rachni queen go free instead.  While he could understand their concern, they were once again disregarding the more pressing issues they were all faced with.  
  
"Sorry, Commander, but the debriefing wasn't the right place to say how _ridiculous_ this is," he said with an exasperated sigh.  "Seems like every other race is wrapped up in their own problems.  They don't wanna see what's coming."  
  
"Wanting to believe everything will be fine?  Sounds like human nature to me," Shepard snorted, shaking his head. While it didn't surprise him in the slightest that the Council would rather bury their heads in the sand than face what was a very real threat, it didn't stop it from being any less aggravating. It crossed over into infuriating territory when he had to deal with political fences stopping him from doing his job right – thankfully being a Spectre was enough of a boost to get him over most of those hurdles, but it didn't stop him from having to listen to the Council's passive-aggressive criticism of his decisions. The last communication he'd had with them – after the mission on Noveria – he'd been so frustrated with their accusations on top of everything else that he'd hung up on them. He wasn't looking forward to explaining that one during their next meeting, but at the same time, he really didn't care.  
  
"Yeah. I guess some things carry across species well enough," Kaidan conceded, having had enough personal experience with aliens to know that when it truly came down to it, they really weren't all that different.  Sure, there were some obvious cultural differences and such.  But even humans back on Earth had a pretty colorful set of different traditions, values, and mentalities around the globe.  
  
"I should remember that after what happened with Vyrnnus," Kaidan added quietly, a bit surprised that he was feeling the need to bring it up.  
  
Shepard leaned forward on his elbows, brow knitting in confusion and worry. The last time they'd spoken, Kaidan hadn't seemed very keen on going into detail concerning his past with the turian mercenary. He had the vague idea that the BAaT instructor was a harsh rule breaker with methods that were most likely bordering illegal – especially considering the fact that Kaidan had hinted his being responsible for a few student deaths thanks to his pushing. "I'd think you'd carry a grudge over the crap you took from Vyrnnus," he said, choosing his words carefully. He didn't want to come right out and ask him about it – he was going to leave it up to him to share that information if he deemed it necessary.  
  
"Before I met Vyrnnus, I knew as much as any other civilian.  Aliens were weird, superior, and tried to tell us what to do," Kaidan said with a little shrug.  "I mean, it's only been twenty-six years since first contact.  That's not a lot of time to understand them." Actually, it was surprising that they weren't involved in more conflicts and wars with them, even outside of citadel space.  Sure, things between different species could get pretty tense at times, but overall, the animosity remained under control.  
  
"It was Vyrnnus who made me see how human aliens are.  They're not different or special.  They're jerks and saints, just like us," he said, before sighing. "Hell, by the time I got payback, I didn't even want it anymore," he added regretfully, staring at a point in the distance, trying to hide the haunted look in his eyes.  
  
"It takes a lot to make you snap," Shepard said with a slight frown, remembering their confrontation in the med bay – it took a gaping wound to the chest and large doses of painkillers for him to come right out and tell Shepard exactly what he thought about his battlefield tactics in less-than-amiable words. And even then he seemed to have control over himself, not allowing himself to cross that threshold between being angry and becoming violent. He realized that whatever had happened, it must have been serious if it had provoked him into physical retaliation. "What finally did it?"  
  
"He hurt Rahna.  Broke her arm.  She reached for a glass of water instead of pulling it biotically.  She just wanted a drink without getting a nosebleed, you know?" Kaidan said, daring to look in the Commander's direction once again.  He hesitated for a moment, trying to decide how much he should be telling him.  The gentle, open, and understanding look that Shepard had often offered him before was back…  But Kaidan couldn't help but feel like it was a very fragile thing now. One false move, and he would lose him all over again.  It was silly, as Shepard had made it abundantly clear that the reason why he'd pulled away from him for a while didn't have anything to do with no longer caring for, or trusting him.  
  
What surprised Kaidan the most, perhaps, is that for the very first time in his life, he actually _wanted_ to tell someone about everything that had happened on that day.  Not because it was part of some therapy, not because he was being forced to.  Just…   _because_.  It was hard to describe, but it was as if he wanted Shepard to like and hopefully accept him for _who he was_.  Not the person others expected him to be.  
  
"Like an idiot, I stood up.  Didn't know what I was gonna do.  Just something," he finally went on, feeling his heart picking up speed as he relived the events of that day, hiding his hands under the table so that Shepard wouldn't notice them shaking.  "And Vyrnnus lost it.  Beat the crap out of me.  Kept shouting how they should have bombed us back to the Stone Age."  
  
He took a deep breath. "That's when the knife came up.  A military-issue talon.  Right in my face." Even to this day, he could still feel its sharp edge resting against his lower lip. "I cut loose.  Full biotic kick, right in the teeth.  Almost as strong as I can manage now," he explained.  "At seventeen, that's something."  
  
Shepard listened intently, painting a mental picture of the events in question – he tried to imagine a seventeen year old Kaidan, heroically stepping up to protect a fragile girl against a big, evil turian. In retrospect it wasn't all that surprising; Kaidan was a protective type of person, sacrificing his own personal safety to protect those weaker or more vulnerable than him. Though judging by the look on his face, the way his voice shook, the exchange had hardly been heroic – it had probably been downright terrifying. A teenager with an angry alien responsible for his and everyone else's misery holding a knife to his face… It was no wonder he had lashed out. If not to avenge Rahna, but to protect himself and everyone else Vyrnnus might hurt.   
  
"You wanted to help a girl you cared for.  That's a noble thing," he said in a soft voice, trying to keep his expression and tone understanding. It was clear this was something Kaidan had lived with for a while, to varying degrees of acceptance. Just speaking about it was probably taking extraordinary amounts of willpower. The last thing Shepard wanted was to make him feel as though he was being judged. To be honest… put in his situation, he probably would have done the exact same thing. There was no way he could deny that.  
  
Though he was touched that Shepard seemed to think so, Kaidan still couldn't help but feel like his good intentions would never be enough to make up for what happened next.  "Maybe my intentions were noble, but I...  I lost control," he said, voice filled with shame.    
  
"I killed him, Shepard.  Snapped his neck." He had to wince at that...  Remembering the sharp snapping noise, and the way that the turian had just laid there afterwards, entirely motionless, head unnaturally bent to one side.    
  
"They probably could've saved him, if they got him to an infirmary quick enough.  But they didn't." Everyone that had been at the scene, including some of the other scientists and Conatix employees that had been alerted by the noise from the commotion and Vyrnnus' angry screams, had remained frozen on the spot.  The kids had been too shocked to react, too.  When the turian had begun violently beating him up, most of them had immediately moved to the far end of the class, keeping as quiet as possible, petrified that they were going to be next if they dared bring any attention to themselves.    
  
Of all the things that they had come to expect, watching Vyrnnus go down like that, struck down by one of their own, obviously hadn't been one of them.  To them, their teacher had always been some larger than life invincible monster...  It was as if their minds couldn't process what they'd just witnessed - that he was just a man that could be defeated, after all.    
  
Even to Kaidan, the whole situation had suddenly felt very surreal.  He remembered sitting there, out of breath, blood running down his face, nose and mouth...  And feeling just...   _numb_.  Until one of the scientists had finally come to help him up and brought him to the infirmary, long after Vyrnnus' body had been removed.  
  
Sometimes, he had to wonder if the other employees hadn't just purposely let the turian die.  After all, they had to have known what he was really doing to his students...  They had to know who had been directly or indirectly responsible for some of the kids' deaths, even if they did their best to cover up Vyrnnus' involvement.  Conatix wanted results at any costs, but surely some of them must have had a conscience, and disagreed with the way that their bosses had been running things.  
  
"Caused a stir when they shipped him home," he said, remembering that the Alliance had feared that it would end up causing yet another huge diplomatic incident with the turians.  "BAaT training was shut down.  Conatix folded a couple years later," he explained, his eyes taking on a faraway look.  So there Shepard had it, the story behind why everything about BAaT and his own files were so solidly classified.  
  
"It's funny, I'm not sure which of us got the worst of what happened," he added quietly.  He remembered having often wondered what kind of person Vyrnnus could have been in the past…  What were the reasons why he'd ended up carrying such hate and anger towards humans; such need to dominate them, and watch them suffer as he did.  Maybe he'd ended up losing a great personal deal in the First Contact war, and had never entirely recovered from it…  Maybe he was suffering just as much as they were, and chose to express it through violence and taking it out on the world instead.  
  
Maybe that was part of the reason why Kaidan had never wanted to let his own pain or anger ever turn to violence; because he could never imagine putting someone else through what he'd been forced to endure.  That cycle had needed to end somewhere…  And while he'd unwittingly set Vyrnnus free from it, he'd been the one left to carry the consequences.  
  
"I wouldn't shed any tears over Vyrnnus," Shepard offered in a soft voice. He could tell speaking about this was incredibly painful for Kaidan, and it was difficult not to just reach over and take his hand in his own – anything to offer him some form of comfort, to let him know that what he did was nothing to regret or carry like a burden. But he refrained, not wanting to do anything inappropriate that might serve to make Kaidan even more uncomfortable. He was speaking about things that were both highly classified and highly personal; the least Shepard could do was offer him understanding.  
  
Kaidan sighed.  "I'm not upset he's dead," he specified.  And it was true.  While he wouldn't say that Vyrnnus necessarily deserved what had happened to him, many innocents had died and suffered by his fault.  No matter his reasons, the turian had become a danger to others as well as himself.  So it was hard to be upset about his death…  
  
"Just sorry I killed him. I wasn't prepared for that." That's what had really ended up shaking him so badly.  After having received his implant, it had taken him a long time to get accustomed to his biotic abilities – and it didn't help that they spiked so high.  Until then, they had still proven to be an asset, especially since they'd allowed him to meet their teacher's almost impossible expectations and requirements during the training sessions.  
  
But to discover that he could end up hurting or even killing someone against his will if he ever lost control over them…  That knowledge had terrified him.  It was as if someone had suddenly told Kaidan that there was a ticking bomb inside of him waiting to go off, making it unsafe for others to be anywhere near him.  What if the next time he lashed out, it was a friend that was standing next to him?  It had taken a very long time for him to learn to trust himself again…  To believe that it was once again "safe" for him to be among other people.  And Rahna's reaction…  Well, it hadn't helped.  
  
"I dropped out of sight for a bit.  They let me go.  I guess they wanted it to blow over as much as I did."  And really, what were they going to do?  Bringing charges against him would have forced them to go public with everything that had happened at BAaT.  The Alliance hadn't been ready for that, and with good reason.  Even though they had no direct involvement with the way that Conatix had chosen to handle the biotic training program, the company had done so with their support.  "I came back on my terms, because I wanted to serve."  
  
Shepard couldn't help but notice that Kaidan had left out a crucial detail in his story. "Was Rahna alright?" he asked, not quite able to stop himself before his curiosity took over. Kaidan had talked about the girl like she was a princess – someone important to him, most likely even an object of his affections. The idea wasn't too far-fetched; he'd called her beautiful and had hinted at being interested in her at the time. But he hadn't spoken about her outside of his stories about BAaT, so Shepard couldn't shake the distinct impression that things had gone wrong. It probably wasn't his place to ask about it, but… a small part of him, a niggling voice in the back of his head, _had_ to know, tact be damned.  
  
"Rahna?" Kaidan asked, sounding a bit surprised.  Though he supposed he shouldn't be, really…  After all, he'd just told Shepard that he'd gotten quite a beating in an effort to try to stand up for her.  "Yeah..." he trailed off a bit, his mood darkening.  "Yeah, she was fine." _Besides the broken arm, obviously_.  "We never really, uh..." He took a deep breath, looking away and feeling ashamed once again.  "We stopped talking after that."  
  
Shepard couldn't keep the worried look from crossing his face – so, he was right. Things had gone wrong. "What happened?" he tried, not really expecting Kaidan to go into detail but feeling like he should ask anyway. Anything to show that he cared, that he was listening and didn't want him to feel like he had to carry these regrets alone.  
  
"Rahna had a gentle heart.  She loved everyone," Kaidan began explaining, looking back at Shepard, and still remembering the time he had spent with her fondly.  Rahna had always led a pretty sheltered life, so the harsh reality of BAaT had been especially tough for her to deal with.  "Vyrnnus terrified her.  We all protected her from him."    
  
Before the whole incident, she had often told Kaidan that he made her feel safe.  Maybe it was because he was one of the few biotics that could actually hold his own against their instructor…  Maybe it was because he refused to let himself fear him, and put up with the turian's bullying.  Back then, Rahna had often sought his company just as much as he had sought hers.  Whether it was out of a need for protection, or because she had actually cared for him as much as he had cared for her, he couldn't say though.  
  
"I mean everyone..." he sighed.  "Everyone loved her."  And he hadn't been an exception to that rule.  He still had to wonder how far things could have gotten between them, if he hadn't lost control over his powers and acted out the way that he did.  
  
"But after what I did to him, she was terrified of me too," he added quietly, averting his eyes for a moment, unable to hide the heartbreak in his voice.  He quickly managed to regain his composure though.  Surely the Commander had better to do than to listen to his stories about a girl that had ended up breaking his heart.  
  
"Anyway, I had a point here," he said quickly, trying to bring his tone back to business, but failing to sound as convincing as he would've liked to. "Aliens, are individuals," he stated.  "Just because one's an ass, doesn't mean they all are.  So yeah, I hated that turian.  But he wasn't 'a turian' to me.  He was Vyrnnus."  
  
So that was it. Shepard had been surprised when he'd found out just how negatively their rift had affected Kaidan – it was one thing for him to be upset that his commanding officer had yelled at him, but it was another to find out that he was isolating himself, having frequent migraines, and even losing weight and sleep over it. But now that he was speaking about Rahna, voice full of heartbreak and regret, Shepard was able to piece together a basic idea. He had lost Rahna because he had lost control of himself, cutting loose to protect her only to find that he had scared her away. Because of that he had associated lack of self-control with the loss of people he wanted to protect and cared about. And his breakdown in the med bay had immediately led to Shepard severing contact with him. It wasn't that much of a stretch to assume that he associated losing Shepard with losing Rahna – both had happened when he had lost control of himself.  
  
The very thought that he had caused that kind of pain for Kaidan again was enough to make Shepard's chest tighten, his gut twisting in regret. But he didn't need to bring it up – he didn't want to make Kaidan any more uncomfortable than he already was.   
  
"So that's why you're so self-controlled," he finally said, choosing his words carefully. He didn't need to share that he had an idea as to why Kaidan had been so badly affected by how he had been treating him, but he understood nonetheless. Having to break loose like that, the idea that he had taken someone's life by unleashing the full extent of his powers… That was enough to make any biotic think twice about abusing their abilities. At least, for those that actually sought to do good with them. He couldn't say the same for the rest. But of the few human biotics he had seen in battle, Kaidan was the first he had encountered who exerted complete and utter control over himself and his powers. The precision he exhibited on the battlefield was amazing. Shepard was all about raw and unrestrained; sometimes it was hard to remember that his powers could be used for a lot more than just doing as much damage as fast as possible. Having Kaidan there reminded him of that.  
  
"I'm no more disciplined than any other biotic, Shepard," Kaidan immediately denied, feeling a bit uneasy…  he might even hazard to say _exposed_.  "This is all...  ancient history.  I'm over it," he added quickly, trying to dismiss Shepard's claim.  He didn't go on the defensive, though.  Just…  He just didn't want him to believe that he was damaged goods, or to think any less of him.  
  
One of Shepard's eyebrows quirked upwards, but he otherwise managed to keep the disbelief off of his face. He knew a thing or two about using deflection as a means of lying, and right now he could see through Kaidan like he was wet tissue paper.  
  
"You agonize over doing the right thing, and never let yourself lose control," he began, pinning Kaidan with a knowing look. Not as a means of trapping him, but showing him that he understood what he was talking about. "Because Rahna spurned you after Vyrnnus died."  
  
"That's..." _What? Not true?_   It occurred to Kaidan that Shepard hadn't only been listening to him while he was telling his story…  He had been _listening_ to _him_.  The realization of it both shocked and frightened him. Yet, at the same time, he couldn't help but feel a certain level of relief, and perhaps even excitement.  After all, wasn't that exactly what he'd wanted ever since they had begun this conversation?  To give Shepard the chance to get to know and hopefully accept him for who he was?  He guessed that he simply hadn't been prepared for him to be so perspicacious about it.  "Al-alright.  Maybe you have a point.  Maybe," he conceded, though he wasn't exactly ready to tell him forthrightly that he was right.  
  
What if Shepard hadn't liked what he'd just found out about him, though?  What if the knowledge that he still carried these wounds made him perceive him as weak, and he stopped trusting in his ability to carry on with the mission?  "But I'm okay," Kaidan quickly added, trying to control the panic slowly threatening to overcome him.  "You don't have to worry about me.  Fully functional human being."  It was so strange…  He felt like he was standing at a crossroad…  Like so much would depend on Shepard's next response.  All of his barriers were down, and he couldn't remember having ever let anyone get this close before. Not since Rahna.  
  
"And I won't be a burden on you - on the crew," he swore, hoping that the Commander would believe him.  
  
Shepard sighed, shaking his head at Kaidan's response. Kaidan had just allowed himself to open up, and now he was withdrawing and making excuses like everything he'd just told Shepard was a mistake – something he might hold against him or judge him for. And Shepard never believed that for one second. "Kaidan, you're a strong man," he said gently, still fighting the urge to reach across the table and take his hand or _something_. Anything to show his sincerity. "Talking about this doesn't make you a whiner, and it doesn't make you immature."   
  
He offered him a soft smile here. "It makes you human."  
  
"Alright," Kaidan said, releasing the breath that he didn't know he'd been holding until then.  "But it's embarrassing you had to tell me that," he added a bit more shyly, though his gentle smile let Shepard know that he felt very relieved, and grateful.  
  
He sighed, willing himself to relax, and to try to let go of his insecurities.  "You're right.  I might need to loosen up a little.  I'll try."  Shepard was already doing quite a good job of encouraging him to step out of himself a little…  And as wild and chaotic as he could be on a battlefield, here with him, the Commander had a very calming and steadying influence.  Maybe it was exactly the kind of balance that'd been, in many ways, missing from Kaidan's life.  "Actually, I think being around you might help."  
  
"Well, I'm glad I can do that for you," Shepard said with a soft laugh. "I'm always giving you heart attacks on the battlefield; I figure I don't need to drive you up a wall during downtime as well," he added with a slight grin. He twisted his hands together on the tabletop for a moment, expression dropping to something less amused but still nonetheless content. "Thank you for sharing this with me, Kaidan. I know it isn't easy to talk about these kinds of things. I appreciate the trust."  
  
"You know, I don't think I've ever spoken to anyone about it since it happened…" Kaidan wondered, returning Shepard's smile.  "Besides with those directly concerned by the situation, or in the context of psych evaluations, of course," he clarified.  But of his own free will, just because he wanted to, this was really the first time for him.  
  
"These two faint scars on my lips…  The one at the bottom and here on the side..." he went on, raising his fingers to touch them, before letting his hand drop and looking away. "Vyrnnus gave them to me.  Even to this day, each time I look in a mirror, they're still the first thing that I see.  And I always have to stop myself from thinking about everything else that came with them," he explained softly, his eyes slightly pained.  Yet, at the same time, part of him felt incredibly relieved just to be able to tell Shepard about it.  
  
"I guess what I'm trying to say is that I truly appreciated you trusting me enough to show me your scar the other day…" he said sincerely.  "And, uh, that you make me feel safe enough for me being comfortable showing you mine, too," he added a bit bashfully.  
  
A knowing smile crossed Shepard's lips, and he looked down at his hands clasped together on the tabletop, fingers laced together. "A really smart guy told me once that my losses didn't have to define me. I think the same thing goes for our scars. The things that we've been through… We just need to use them as a means of growing, of moving forward." He looked up, allowing himself to make eye contact with Kaidan once again. "And I think you've done an admirable job of doing just that."  
  
"I…" Kaidan froze, nearly gaping, feeling a bit awestruck and not knowing exactly what to say.  That was possibly one of the kindest compliments that anyone had ever offered him, on more levels than one.  Before he had the time to really think about it, he found himself staring back into Shepard's eyes as if mesmerized, grinning like an idiot.  When he managed to regain control of his senses, the slight awkwardness of the situation made him burst into sweet, self-conscious laughter.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said, the mirth never leaving his eyes, though.  "But uh…  Yeah…  That _guy_ seems to have some pretty good advice," he stated teasingly.  "Maybe I should actually start listening to him," he added with an unwittingly charming half-smile, never breaking eye contact.  
  
Shepard couldn't help but laugh at Kaidan's reaction. "Good idea. Last time I stopped listening to him, I turned into a gigantic asshole," he replied, unable to keep from grinning in amusement.  
  
He didn't need to say it out loud, but Shepard was enjoying this. The company, the personal conversation, the understanding. It had been a long time since he'd found a kindred soul – someone who understood what he'd been through and trusted him enough to share their secrets. Someone he could care about and be cared for by in return. A small voice in the back of his head was shouting out warnings that he was skirting dangerously close to the line between friendship and fraternizing, but as he sat there speaking with Kaidan and laughing and smiling like he hadn't in ages, he was perfectly fine with ignoring it.  
  
"You really are something else, you know that?" Kaidan said, still smiling fondly.  It vaguely occurred to him that it might not have been the most appropriate thing to say, but since Shepard didn't frown at him or appear to be displeased by his words, he supposed that it was still okay.  It was true though, Marco Shepard truly was like no one else he'd ever met.  Smart, strong, and caring…  Able to make the tough calls and take a solid stand to protect others, scary and unyielding in the face of those seeking to abuse their powers…  Yet equally gentle, patient, and understanding towards those under his protection or his command.  Deserving and inspiring both respect and loyalty, and…  
  
 _"Commander, Admiral Hackett's on vidcom.  He says that there are some strong blizzard warnings near the facility that went dark on Gellix, and would like to give you the latest updates before you leave for the mission,"_ Joker's voice came from the Normandy's intercom.  
  
Kaidan supposed that it was a good thing that the pilot had interrupted his thoughts, or else he would have ended up developing a serious case of hero worship.  "You should go, Commander," he said, straightening a bit on his chair, and immediately adopting a more formal attitude.  "Thanks again for listening," he added with a smile, happy that they'd gotten the chance to talk.  
  
"Sure thing, Lieutenant," Shepard replied with a crooked smirk, before pushing up out of his chair and heading towards the communications room, leaving Kaidan alone in the mess.


	7. Chapter 7

They were lucky to make it anywhere near the facility in one piece when they made the drop. The Mako had to travel at a slow crawl, windshield wipers on full blast as the windows were buffeted with layer after layer of unyielding snow and sleet. Even the temperature inside the vehicle felt like it had dropped several degrees, despite the regulated cabin. The vehicle's tires squealed and struggled to find traction as they pushed onwards, more often than not grinding to a halt and kicking up snow until the treads could grab ground again and send them onwards.  
  
"You sure it wasn't just the blizzard that knocked out their coms?" Garrus' voice cut through the cold silence in the cramped cabin, as he tried to look out through the flurry covering the window in front of him. Their visibility barely extended beyond a few yards ahead of them.  
  
"The blizzard rolled in _after_ communications stopped," Shepard explained, not once taking his eyes off of the path in front of them, fingers clenched hard around the steering wheel as though letting go meant death. Considering the current conditions, that conclusion wasn't unfounded. The entire vehicle shuddered with effort as they tried to climb over a particularly steep snow bank.  
  
"What kind of facility is this, anyway?" Kaidan asked from the back seat, leaning forward to grab the back of Shepard's chair to steady himself as he looked out through the windshield.  
  
"Top secret Alliance R&D lab," Shepard replied shortly, still refusing to move his head to look at either of his squad mates. "All I got out of Hackett is that if this is more than a simple communications failure, then we're going to have a big problem. That's why he sent us."  
  
In short, that could mean anything.  Though Kaidan had long learned that when travelling with Shepard, it was normal to expect the unexpected.  From zombie-like husks to crazy scientists to supposedly extinct rachni…  At this point, he wouldn't even be surprised if they ended up finding a live prothean over there!  "Big problem" could indeed have more than a single definition.  Good thing they'd had a few days to work things out, and catch some much needed rest - they were probably going to need it.  
  
A small building came into sight as they drew closer, tucked into a tight corner formed by the surrounding ice-slicked cliff faces. The wind and snow howling against the outside of the Mako began to fade the further inwards they drove, cut off by the cliffs rising around them. They drove onwards until they were within walking distance of the facility. Shepard pulled the struggling vehicle to a stop behind a rock outcropping that hid it from view of the building, killing the engine and reaching over to activate a comm. link on the console.  
  
"Testing. Is there anyone on this channel? This is Commander Shepard, Alliance Navy. Please respond."  
  
He was greeted with hissing static, uniform and uninterrupted. He waited for a long moment before he hit the button again, repeating his hail in a slightly more urgent tone of voice. He waited a little longer, but once again, nothing came through. He swore under his breath.  
  
"Kaidan, see if you can run a diagnostic on their comm. system."  
  
He heard the telltale blipping sound of an omnitool being called up somewhere behind him, followed by the sound of fingertips clicking across the keyboard interface. The three sat in tense silence for a long moment, before Kaidan finally spoke again.  
  
"I'm not reading any comm. traffic. I'm not even getting basic electronics readings. It's like the whole building is in a void."  
  
Shepard heaved a frustrated sigh. "Jamming tech. Grab your weapons; we're going in hot."  
  
The three men made quick work of snapping on their helmets – Gellix might have been oxygenated, but the blizzard was still pounding outside and they needed frostbite about as much as another hole in the head. And with the Mako's dashboard reading an external temp of over fifty below, they weren't going to take their chances. Shepard waited until everyone was ready before he put a hand on the door panel, pausing only to address them via their short-range communicators.  
  
"We stick together on this. Stay close, watch each other's backs. If we're dealing with geth, I want you two running as much tech interference as you can. Keep an eye out for survivors first and foremost. Otherwise we look for whatever is disrupting communications and take it out. Understand?"  
  
He waited until he'd received confirmations from both Kaidan and Garrus, before he shoved the door open. It gave a loud cracking sound as the layer of ice clinging to the hull shattered around the edges of the door, allowing it to swing open and assault the three with a flurry of snow and harsh wind. They were out and moving in an instant, not giving the weather any pause before the three began trudging through the knee-deep snow towards the building laid out ahead of them.  
  
They came up around the side of the building rather than attempting a head-first charge through the front doors, coming around to see that the massive sliding door that led into the garage bay was wide open, and there was at least a couple of feet of accumulated snow inside the hangar, having blown in through the open door.  They ducked inside, weapons drawn as they surveyed the room – it was empty and silent, save for a large utility vehicle parked near the back. There was a large span of empty space next to it, and Garrus walked over to inspect what looked like an oil stain on the ground. His visor flashed as his head moved, following the barest hints of what looked like tire treads cutting through the layer of ice leading out into the snow.  
  
"Looks like someone took a vehicle out of here. The tracks aren't completely covered, so it can't have been that long ago," he said, stooping down to run a gloved hand over the tread marks cut into the ice. He stood up again after a moment, turning to face Shepard and Kaidan.  
  
"Then there's a possibility there are survivors out there somewhere. Let's get this jamming device shut down, and then try to see if we can make a connection from the facility's comm. systems to the vehicle that's missing," Shepard said, undoing the snaps on his helmet and yanking it off with a grunt. Kaidan and Garrus followed suit – they could hardly see through their visors as it was, and he watched as Garrus cracked a layer of ice and accumulated snow off of the glass, causing it to the fall to the concrete and scatter. Their breath became visible in the frigid air.  
  
"Alright, we do this quick and silent. If we see them first, we take them out fast," Shepard ordered as he readied his shotgun, the weapon clicking loudly in the relative silence of the empty hangar bay. He waited for his squad mates to ready themselves, before they pushed onwards.  
  
They passed through dark, cold hallways, the only light source coming from the emergency strip lighting along the edges of the floor. The main power seemed to be completely shut down, and most of the doors were wide open and unlocked. For the longest time the only sound they could hear were their footsteps echoing harshly against the walls.   
  
They checked room after room as they progressed, more than a little bit perturbed to see that much of the equipment was trashed, computers thrown from the desks, paperwork scattered across the floors, furniture overturned and broken. But aside from that, complete silence. No people. No enemies. Nothing.  
  
Shepard suddenly held his hand up as they drew further down a particularly large hallway, causing the whole group to come to a halt.  
  
"Voices," he whispered over his shoulder, before crouching into a stealth position and flattening to the wall, advancing further towards a large doorway at the end of the hall, shotgun held at the ready. Kaidan and Garrus immediately followed suit, coming up behind him as he inched closer towards the open doorway.   
  
The closer they came, the clearer it became – someone was talking, a loud, harsh voice straining with anger and impatience. The voice was punctuated by another sound, the distinctive echo of someone sobbing uncontrollably. Shepard's pace immediately quickened until he had reached the door, and he leaned forward just enough to peer around the edge of the doorway.  
  
"You have ten seconds to give me the access codes!" the harsh voice came back, raised to a roar – he zeroed in on the speaker, a large figure with its back turned towards the doorway. The sobbing sound was clearly coming from another figure on the floor at its feet – a woman in laboratory clothes, sitting on her knees with her arms hugged tightly around herself. The figure standing over her had a pistol pressed against the side of her head.  
  
"Nine!"  
  
Shepard's teeth clenched and he went rigid when he saw the figure's head turn – he recognized _that_ profile almost immediately. Wrinkled, muddy colored skin, four dark eyes wide with fury, multiple sharp teeth bared, screaming in a deep, guttural voice.  
  
The last time Shepard had seen a face like that, it had been leering down at him as he bled out on the grass, staring up at a sky choked with the ash of burning homes, the sound of flames crackling and people screaming in the distance. Gunfire echoing and popping, screams growing louder before going silent. Sobs catching in his throat as he choked on his own blood. _"He's already dying. Don't waste your bullets."_  
  
"Eight!"  
  
For the barest of moments, Kaidan saw Shepard tense and freeze as he observed the scene before them, his eyes losing their focus as if momentarily absorbed in a world of his own.  He was about to gently grab his arm to divert his attention from what was happening and ask him if he was okay, when the Commander quickly snapped out of it by himself.  
  
"Kaidan," Shepard bit out under his breath, voice harsh but steady. "Hostage, center point, on her knees. On my signal, biotic barrier on her."  
  
"Seven!"  
  
He didn't even wait for a response, but he didn't need to.  The L2 had already begun activating his biotics the very moment that Shepard had spoken, a thin layer of dark energy now running across his body and reflecting in his eyes.  Kaidan let the mass effect field around him slowly build up, ready to discharge the required amount of energy in order to shield the woman from both potential gunfire and Shepard's own biotic attack as soon as the Commander gave the order.  
  
"Garrus, five enemies ringing the room. Snipe the three on the far side once Kaidan and I make our move."  
  
"Six!"  
  
Shepard's eyes swept around the room, double-checking the count – five batarians standing around the room, one more with his gun drawn on a human hostage. The five standing guard were carrying various assault rifles and pistols, most of them cheap models with weathered metal surfaces. All six were wearing dirty and earthy-colored jumpsuits, the kind of clothing usually seen on downtrodden mercenaries or homeless colonists. Or violent slavers with a penchant for destruction and murder. A few of them had dark stains on their clothing, vaguely red against the dirty brown colors.  
  
"Five!"  
  
"NOW!" Shepard roared, stepping out of cover and initiating a biotic charge the moment he saw a dark energy barrier flash to life around the woman on the ground. Six weapons turned towards the doorway but he was gone before their fingers even found the triggers, charging shoulder first into the batarian in the center of the room. He felt the batarian's shield pop from the force of the blow as he used the momentum of the charge to flatten him to the ground, pinning him down with his shotgun crushing down against his throat. He reared his free hand back as his biotics flared bright – the batarian didn't even have a chance to scream before he'd unleashed the biotic punch directly into his face, hard enough to snap his neck.  
  
His head snapped up as he heard Garrus' sniper rifle go off, and he moved quickly – he grabbed the scientist by the arm and hauled her behind the cover of a nearby desk before the batarians could recover from the surprise attack and turn on them. "Stay down," he ordered, before he vaulted back over the desk and charged directly into another batarian on the far side of the room.  
  
The alien slammed back into the wall from the force of the charge, and Shepard wasted no time slamming a foot down on his chest and firing a single round of buckshot directly into his head. He turned to see that Garrus had dropped the three on the far side like he'd been ordered, and Kaidan had just thrown the remaining enemy all the way across the room with a biotic pulse that sent him crashing into a desk.  
  
They didn't have a chance to celebrate their victory, however, as they were suddenly interrupted by the sound of shouting coming from the doorway on the opposite side of the large room – Shepard only now realized that it was some kind of multi-user office, with several overturned desks and scattered paperwork. They immediately fell back into cover behind a few of the desks.  
  
"Garrus!" Shepard yelled, catching the turian's attention. "Take cover with the hostage! Keep her safe!" he ordered, receiving a nod as Garrus immediately ducked out from behind the desk he'd taken cover behind and made his way over to where the scientist was still cowering, out of the line of sight of anyone coming through the far door.  
  
Shepard moved over quickly, taking cover next to Kaidan. They waited in tense silence as the pounding footsteps and shouts drew closer, before a handful of batarians – maybe six or seven – came barreling through the door, weapons drawn. "All right Kaidan, cover my ass," Shepard ordered quickly, looking over the edge of the cover as the batarians clustered through the doorway, "I'm doing a one-two punch charge-nova. The moment I nova, give me a backup barrier and I'll retreat. When I'm behind cover, drop it and attack."  
  
He didn't wait for a response before he'd vaulted over cover, disappearing in a pulse of biotic energy as he charged directly into the middle of the group.  
  
They were still playing it pretty close to the edge, but at the very least, Kaidan was happy and immensely relieved that Shepard was actively coordinating his attacks with them.  More than that, he kept a solid awareness of his environment, made sure that he had the appropriate level of cover before charging into the fray, and took advantage of each squad mate's strengths and abilities.  In turn, Kaidan was able to better relax and focus more on following Shepard's orders and leadership, instead of seeking to protect him from himself.  He still kept an eye out for unexpected or sudden threats, but felt confident that Shepard or Garrus would probably see them coming, too.  The simple fact of being able to share the responsibility of keeping the _whole_ team safe with the rest of his squad made him feel like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders.  
  
"Damn.  I almost feel sorry for the batarians," he heard Garrus comment over their armors' comm. system as Shepard detonated his nova, sending the ones that hadn't already been hit by his powerful biotic charge flying across the room.  Kaidan would have chuckled if something about the way that the Commander fought didn't raise his concern.  
  
Sure, Shepard had always been extremely efficient at hitting his enemies and crippling their forces before they had the chance to recover and attack.  But he'd never seen him be so… _savage_ about it.  It almost reminded him of a krogan's blood rage, though thankfully, he still retained all of his mental capabilities.  Shepard wasn't just trying to incapacitate the enemies; he wanted to tear them apart!  
  
Though he supposed that if batarian slavers had been responsible for the deaths of his whole family and all of his friends, he'd probably feel that way, too.  It wasn't so much the violence with which Shepard attacked the batarians that bothered him… But the knowledge that this rage came from a place that was still filled with pain, and that there was nothing that he could do to make it better right now, besides supporting him as best he could in the fight.  
  
Kaidan quickly replaced Shepard's damaged shields with a solid barrier, trusting the Commander to get himself to safety while he quickly assessed the situation.  At least three of the batarians had gone down and were entirely unmoving, either dead or unconscious.  The other four were slowly pulling themselves to their feet, still groggy and uncoordinated from the impact of Shepard's assault.  
  
One of the advantages of fighting in enclosed spaces was that enemies tended to hit the walls faster, and stay relatively regrouped.  As soon as Shepard reached cover, Kaidan dropped the barrier and smiled to himself.  
  
"How about some target practice, Garrus?" he asked, generating a mass effect field large enough to lift the four remaining batarians into the air, maintaining them helplessly floating towards the ceiling.  
  
"Easy pickings!" he heard the turian reply with a laugh, before he began taking them out one by one with his sniper rifle.  Kaidan sent the last of them crashing into the far off wall with a strong biotic throw, wincing slightly as he heard a sickening crunch upon impact.  
  
Shepard pulled out of cover the moment the last one fell, stalking over to the scattered bodies – he immediately began kicking each one over, as though checking to make sure they were dead. This was confirmed when he rolled one over with the toe of his boot and immediately raised his shotgun, firing one round into its head.  
  
They were silent for the longest time, before the quiet of the room was broken by the choked sob that came out of the woman still cowering next to Garrus. They immediately converged on her position, Kaidan stooping down to check the traumatized woman for injuries.  
  
"Are you okay? What happened here?" Shepard asked the woman, kneeling down so he could be eye level with her. The rage that had been so evident before seemed to be restrained at this point, allowing his voice to remain steady. She looked between him, Garrus, and Kaidan, eyes bloodshot from crying. She was still obviously terrified, but seeing three men who obviously weren't batarians was all she needed to start speaking.  
  
"Batarian slavers attacked us three days ago," she said, voice shaking with barely held back tears. "Our guards held them off for the first two days, but they cut our communications and the power and we couldn't call for help."  
  
She took a deep, shuddering breath, expression twisting a bit as she tried not to burst into tears again. "They killed the last few guards this morning and forced their way in. They took us hostage, locked us all in one of the storage rooms, back that way," she explained, pointing a shaking finger at the door the batarians had filed in through. "They've been dragging us out one by one and trying to scare us into giving them information."  
  
"What kind of information?" Shepard asked, watching as she flinched.  
  
"Access codes," she said, shaking her head in shame. "We've been working on Alliance prototypes, but the files are locked down. They want the blueprints and they can't read them if they don't have the codes." Her voice cracked. "They killed most of my colleagues trying to get them. I was going to be next."  
  
"How many of you are left?" he asked, voice gentle. She bit her lip, eyes filling with tears again.  
  
"There were four others left after me. They should still be locked up in the storage room."  
  
"Can you show us where that is?" Shepard asked, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder. She paused, expression faltering, before she gave a quick nod and forced on a straight face despite the red ringing her eyes. He and Kaidan helped the woman to her feet.  
  
They made it to the storage room and rescued the group without complications, allowing the female scientist to race into the room and reunite tearfully with the four remaining hostages. They were in varying states of shock and disbelief, but were otherwise unhurt – if not a bit terrified, as the moment the door had opened they had expected an angry batarian to charge into the room and drag yet another of their number outside, never to be heard from again.  
  
The batarians had used a crude jamming device to cut off their communications, not unlike the pylons that geth were known to construct. It wasn't long before they found it set up in a back room, unguarded. Shepard didn't even waste time trying to hack it – he unloaded several shotgun rounds into the control panel, shutting the signal down and causing the device to spit sparks before dying.  
  
They followed the group of scientists to the communications room, helping them reset their systems and get the power running again along the way. Shepard was getting ready to send a signal to Alliance command when one of the scientists on the far side of the room let out a gasp.  
  
"The others are still alive!"  
  
He was met with a round of shocked exclamations as a couple of the others raced over to see what he was looking at, crowding around a panel with a blipping light on it. Shepard walked over to see what he was doing.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"When the batarians finally broke through our defenses, a handful of us ran for the hangar bay, grabbed a utility vehicle, and tried to get out of range of the jamming device to send an emergency signal," the man explained, before gesturing his hand across the panel. "Now that coms are up again, we're showing a distress beacon coming from the vehicle!"  
  
"Hm. That would explain the missing vehicle and the open garage door," Garrus mused, coming over to look at the panel as well. "Why would they set off a distress beacon? A utility vehicle doesn't have enough transmitting power to send a distress signal off planet."  
  
"They probably got stuck while trying to escape," the scientist said, tapping his fingers across the keyboard in front of him. "I'm trying to hail them, but there's no response…"  
  
"Garrus, stay here with the scientists. If there are still enemies around they need protection," Shepard immediately ordered towards the turian, before turning to Kaidan. "Kaidan, come with me. We'll take the Mako to the coordinates of the distress beacon, see if we can rescue the rest."  
  
Kaidan nodded, quickly following the Commander as they made their way towards the hangar bay from which they had come in.  They could only hope that the utility vehicle's heating system was still functioning, or that the scientists that had tried to escape were wearing some very efficient enviro-suits; otherwise, their chances of having survived the blizzard on their own were rather slim.  They would need to find them, and fast.  
  
"Let me drive," Kaidan suggested.  He'd seen how clenched Shepard's hands had been on the steering wheel on their way to the facility; and after what they'd just been confronted by, he didn't want him to be put under any more stress than necessary.  "I used to love driving my dad's ATV through heavy snow, and I've had my share of pretty bad snowstorms to deal with back in B.C.  Really, I don't mind," he added, trying his best to sound casual about it.  
  
Well, it wasn't like he was lying…  Just that he wanted to be able to use the Mako ride as an opportunity to talk with Shepard, and thought that it would be easier for him to maintain his attention on the conversation if he wasn't actively trying to deal with the blizzard also.  As for Kaidan, he'd always been comfortable with skid control techniques, and knew that the best way to drive through snow was to be as relaxed as he could about it, anyway.  
  
Shepard almost looked like he wanted to argue for a moment, before he sighed and shook his head. "Alright. You drive, I'll take weapons," he conceded. The two grabbed up their helmets from where they had left them by the door they had come in through, snapping them back on for the trek back to the Mako's parking spot.  
  
The blizzard was still going strong outside, buffeting them with layer after layer of biting cold wind and snow, and when they made it back to the Mako, the vehicle had a fresh layer of snow clinging to its outer hull. There was a bit of a struggle as they tried to get the door open again, but with their combined effort they managed to get the layer of ice holding it down to crack enough for them to wrench it open. They clambered inside and snapped the door closed again, Kaidan taking the driver's seat and Shepard settling into the weapon seat next to him. They made quick work of pulling their helmets off again, leaving the pieces to thaw on the floor.  
  
It was an unfamiliar spot, sitting in the weapon seat – he always drove, no matter what, so he felt awkward as he ran his hands over the controls and took stock of what did what. Once he was certain he knew what he was doing, he activated his omnitool and transferred the data he'd picked up from the scientists over to the Mako's computer. A navigational point appeared on the console as he did so, blipping every so often on the screen.  
  
"All right, there's the distress beacon's location. Looks like they made it about five clicks northeast before they stopped."  
  
"Got it," Kaidan said, activating the Mako's landscape sensors.  He already had a pretty good idea of where they were headed thanks to the area map; but the last thing they needed was for him to drive them right into a crevasse or something similar.  
  
The other utility vehicle appeared to be stuck in the northern corner of some large valley, surrounded by a few mountains creating a potential wind corridor.   _Great_.  If the readings were right, they would need to be especially careful as they got closer to their destination, as it seemed that the ground was a bit unstable nearby.  
  
"Things got pretty heated back there," Kaidan commented, keeping his eyes on the road – or more precisely, the utter lack of one – and testing the Mako's maneuverability a little bit.  He had to say, he'd been surprised when Shepard had agreed to let him drive, especially with so little convincing.  The Commander wasn't exactly as bad as Joker when it came to letting someone else take control over _his_ baby, but still.  
  
Maybe Shepard had decided that it would be a good idea to take the opportunity to familiarize himself with the vehicle's weapons system, especially considering that Garrus normally didn't like to share whenever big guns were involved.  Kaidan had to wonder if he even slept with his rifle at night. Or maybe it was a sign that Shepard really did trust him.  Either way, he sure wasn't going to complain.  
  
"How are you holding up?" he asked, trying to keep most of the concern out of his voice.  
  
"Fine," Shepard responded a little too quickly. "I've handled hostage situations before." His voice was terse, and he was very adamantly refusing to make any sort of eye contact with Kaidan, instead choosing to stare out the windshield as they drove onwards into the flurry.   
  
Truth be told he was in the middle of a very heated internal battle over whether or not he really _was_ fine. It was taking all of his higher brain processes and then some to convince himself that he was okay, that it was perfectly normal for him to go into a visceral rampage when confronted with the same kind of aliens that had slaughtered his entire family and all of his friends.  
  
Vanguards skirted the edge between tactical recklessness and outright rampage – he'd seen a few others during his N7 training, and he was glad to say that he was one of the ones who had a grasp on his baser instincts. He'd met others that got off on the destruction, charging headfirst into battle, laughing and screaming like a blood-raging krogan. And while there was a certain amount of _liberation_ associated with his abilities, he liked to think that he held a decent amount of control over himself.  
  
He flinched a little bit as he remembered the sound of that batarian's neck snapping when he'd unleashed that biotic punch. He almost wanted to feel sorry for him, but the sentiment was impossible to grasp at that point. Not when he was struggling to forget what his house on Mindoir had looked like while it was burning to the ground, or what it was like to watch his siblings die in pools of their own blood. Trying to forget what it was like to stare up at the face of a leering batarian, waiting to be killed, only to be denied a merciful bullet to the head because he _wasn't worth the bullet_. They'd already wasted four bullets shooting him in the back. One of those had broken three ribs as it passed through, before killing his little sister as he tried to shield her with his body. She might have survived if he hadn't been carrying her when he was shot.  
  
That was a possibility that had haunted him for the past thirteen years.  
  
If there was a higher power, he had to question His sick sense of humor. It took his entire family and all of his friends dying for him to gain the power necessary to have stopped it… but only after the fact. He hated being a latent biotic. If his powers had manifested sooner, he might have been able to protect them. He wouldn't have run away.  
  
No, he was fine. Completely functional. He didn't care that his armor was still smeared with batarian blood, dark and reddish and thick. He was _fine_.  
  
"Yeah, but most hostage situations don't usually end up with you trying to dismember all of the hostage-takers, Shepard," Kaidan stated quietly.  Actually, most hostage situations that Shepard had previously been dealing with usually involved some form of negotiation.  Or, at the very least, under normal circumstances, the Commander would have sought to capture one or two of them in order to turn them over to the Alliance for questioning.  
  
What if there were more batarian slavers nearby?  What if they were part of a larger organization that was planning yet another attack?  And what did they need these blueprints for?  With the entire group decimated, they would never know for sure unless more showed up.  And Kaidan sincerely hoped that it wouldn't come to that; that they'd been lucky enough to deal with all of them in a single strike.  
  
He wasn't going to voice these thoughts out loud, though.  The last thing he wanted was for Shepard to start feeling guilty or second-guessing himself.  Besides, he knew that most batarian slavers would have refused to negotiate or give up valuable information.  So perhaps taking them all out as fast as possible had been the right call, after all.  He was perfectly able to let it go, and even back Shepard's decision one hundred percent if the Alliance ever began questioning it.  
  
The batarians were too aggressive; the risks for the hostages were too great.  Their number was too high and they needed to act quickly before they had the chance to target more innocent lives.  Besides, Shepard was a Spectre now, so it wasn't like the Alliance had that much say over what he did and the decisions he took.  
  
His only real concern right now was Shepard, and the fact that he'd been acting in a way that was very unlike him.  And Kaidan also needed him to know that if there was anything that he could do to help make things easier, he would.  
  
"Most of the hostage situations I've dealt with so far didn't involve batarians," Shepard replied, voice still tense despite his better efforts. "They don't understand negotiations beyond overwhelming force. I did to them what they were prepared to do to us if we had hesitated."  
  
It wasn't a very sound justification, but he wasn't prepared to explain to Kaidan exactly what was going through his mind while he was attacking those batarians. Explaining it would make it true and he just wasn't ready to own up to the idea that he might have made a mistake, allowing his emotions to dictate his actions, forcing him into doing something rash and horrifying.  
  
That would prove that he was damaged, and he refused to even consider admitting to that.  
  
"I know.  I wasn't…" Kaidan began, before letting out a frustrated sigh.  Why was it that everything he said always seemed to come out wrong?  He didn't mean to question Shepard's decisions, or make him retreat to a defensive position again.  Especially since the Commander had made some great efforts to really lead his squad as a team, and avoid being reckless.  
  
"Look, I just don't like to see you hurt…" he said honestly, hoping that Shepard would understand that he had absolutely no issues with the calls that he'd had to make in the earlier battle.  "Not if there's anything I can do to help it."  
  
Shepard sighed heavily, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his face with the palms of both hands for a long moment. "I'm not hurt, Kaidan," he finally said through his hands, before lowering them to his lap and staring out through the window in front of them, expression flattening out into something a little less frustrated, less restrained. He suddenly felt weary – whether it was from the battle, or the emotions associated, or all of the above, he wasn't sure. "I appreciate the concern, really. But I'm fine. Don't worry about me."  
  
"Okay," Kaidan said, though it was clear by his tone of voice that he wasn't all too convinced.  He was willing to drop the subject for now though, especially since according to the plan, they were going to be reaching their objective pretty soon.  
  
"And uh…  Thank you," he said, allowing himself to take a quick look at Shepard and offer him an encouraging smile.  "The way you led us into battle and kept us all involved in the fight back there…" _despite the difficult and heavy situation_ , Kaidan thought to himself.  "I sincerely appreciated that."  
  
Shepard gave a slight laugh, shaking his head. "That's my job. I'm just sorry that it took me this long to do it right." He looked over, flashing Kaidan a faint smirk. "We make a pretty good team. I might be a bit biased, but hey. You and Garrus are amazing soldiers."  
  
"Thanks Commander, that means a lot," Kaidan said gratefully.  "And you're right, I think we're pretty good together," he added, quickly becoming flustered as he realized the potential ambiguity behind his words.  "I mean…"  
  
He didn't have the time to develop that thought any further, though, as the vehicle suddenly jerked, propelling them both forward, Kaidan's armored torso hitting the steering wheel. The vehicle skidded to a short stop and Shepard barely managed to plant his hands against the dashboard to keep from hitting it as well, unable to keep from making a startled sound at the sudden bump.  
  
"Okay, what the hell was that?" Kaidan asked, his brows furrowing together as he tried to figure out what could have caused the Mako to jump like that, checking over the sensors and going so far as to look in the rearview displays.  It was as if the rear end of the Mako had been suddenly lifted in the air before being dropped back, forcing them to a halt.  
  
As far as he knew, there had been no bump on the ground; when he tried giving the vehicle a bit more gas again, the six wheels of the Mako immediately caught in the snow and propelled it forward, as if nothing had just happened.  So it wasn't like the front wheels had suddenly sunk in, causing the rear to lift either.  
  
"I don't like this…" Kaidan said with a certain level of urgency in his voice, suddenly determined to make it to their destination as fast as they possibly could.  
  
"Just keep going forward," Shepard ordered, looking over the rearview display and pivoting the Mako's gun to face their rear, just in case. "I'll keep an eye out. It's probably just the snow giving the Mako hell, but if there are still batarians out here, it's definitely not below them to set traps for rescue vehicles."  
  
They continued onwards, a tense silence settling in the cabin as they drew closer and closer to their destination. They waited for the inevitability that something strange was going to happen again, but were more than a little thrown off when the rest of the ride was mostly smooth save for a few skids here and there when the wheels lost traction for a few seconds. Within minutes they were within sight of the utility vehicle, and as Shepard leaned forward to look through the windshield, he could already tell that something was wrong.  
  
Even with the reduced visibility caused by the snow raining down across the windshield, he could tell that the vehicle was overturned on its side and bent at a strange angle, and there were large, dark shapes and debris surrounding it on the ground. It was covered in a thickening layer of snow and ice, giving some idea as to how long it had been that way.  
  
"Shit. This isn't good," Shepard swore under his breath, before grabbing up his helmet and pulling it back on, struggling with the clasps for a moment before he had it on properly again. "Come on, we need to check it out."  
  
Once Kaidan had snapped his helmet on as well they climbed out of the Mako with their weapons at the ready, stepping out into a maelstrom of snow. Even in multiple layers of armoring and hard suits with environmental controls, Shepard could feel a chill settle across his skin from the biting wind. He squinted through the dark slit of his visor, trudging forwards with Kaidan following close behind as they closed the distance between them and the utility vehicle.  
  
When they were finally upon the wreckage Shepard could see the full extent of the damage. A massive hole had been ripped straight through one side of the vehicle, spewing ice-covered debris across the ground. It almost looked as though something had punched straight through the side of the vehicle and kept going, flipping it for a loop in the process.  
  
"Damn. What could have done that?" he heard Kaidan ask over their short-range communicator, tone wary. He saw him move out of the corner of his eye, stooping down to look through some of the debris littering the ground. He suddenly recoiled, however, and Shepard's attention immediately snapped in his direction. "Crap. Bad news, Shepard. I've got a body." He straightened up, before correcting himself. "Scratch that. Bodies."  
  
It was then that he realized that half of those dark shapes he had assumed to be debris and broken vehicle parts were actually bodies, scattered in no particular pattern around the demolished vehicle, many of them well on their way to being entombed by the snow and ice. The snow was vaguely pink in some places from having soaked up the majority of the bloodshed, and the more Shepard looked over the scene, the more nauseous it made him feel. There were at least six bodies there – maybe five, as Shepard couldn't quite discern if one of the halves he was looking at belonged to one of the ones he'd already counted. The sheer brutality with which some of the scientists had been killed was unnatural and violent, even for a batarian.  
  
"This damage isn't consistent with a trap," Shepard said, pushing aside a large piece of debris so he could look over the exterior hull of the wreckage. "If the batarians had set up landmines, there would have been more external damage. I don't see any scorch marks, either."  
  
He turned away from the vehicle and walked over to where Kaidan had crouched down again, looking down to watch him shovel away a layer of snow with his hands to reveal what was clearly the kind of uniform he'd seen on Alliance engineering specialists. The body was frozen solid already, expression permanently twisted into something grotesque and horrifying, but what caught Shepard's attention before anything else was the fact that half of the uniform had seemingly been burned away. The skin underneath was blistered and congealed, like it had spontaneously melted. And judging by the consistency, it most definitely wasn't the result of an electrical fire or an explosion that might have resulted from the vehicle's accident.  
  
No, he'd seen a wound like that before. It was one that he was forced to look at anytime he looked into a mirror or took his shirt off. One that had been so agonizing when he'd received it, unable to keep from screaming in absolute pain as his skin began to burn away and melt. He could still remember the pain, lying on his side in a hospital bed while a nurse lifted the bandage on his side and told him he was lucky to be alive.  
  
He nearly stopped breathing at that point. "Kaidan," he bit out, "We need to go. _Now_."  
  
He saw Kaidan sit up rigid in response to his tone, saw the confused look he was giving him even through the small window his visor made. "What? Why?"  
  
And then the ground beneath them began to tremble, nearly throwing them off balance from the sudden unsteadiness. Shepard's heart nearly stopped, and it was all he could do to keep himself moving – he raced over and yanked Kaidan to his feet by his arm, before dragging him away from the wreckage. He could barely hear Kaidan yelling at him, asking him what was going on, the blood was pounding in his ears so loud and incessant.  
  
" _RUN!!_ " he shouted over the rushing in his ears, and to his great credit, Kaidan followed orders immediately. The two dashed towards the Mako as fast as the snow would allow them, the ground still unsteady and shaking beneath them. Shepard made it to the Mako first, wrenching the door open and turning to make sure that Kaidan was still following. He was right behind him, thankfully, and Shepard gave him a hard push up into the vehicle to get him inside faster. He clambered inside immediately afterwards, slamming the door closed behind him and practically vaulting into the weapon seat as Kaidan dropped into the driver's seat.  
  
"Get us out—" Shepard began to yell, but he was cut off by a sound that made his blood run cold – a roaring, shrieking sound, so loud that it made the whole Mako reverberate. He sucked in a harsh breath, forgetting to breathe for a moment as the trembling beneath them suddenly stopped.  
  
His hands planted on the dashboard of the Mako as he leaned forward to look through the windshield, the only sound now being the wind howling against the Mako's exterior, his heart beating hard enough against his ribs to hurt, and his labored breathing within the confines of his helmet. "Kaidan. We need to go," he repeated, not even bothering to keep his voice from shaking.  
  
The moment Kaidan turned the ignition on the Mako, it happened. Another roar split the air, and the snow-covered ground before them trembled and suddenly burst upwards with staggering force as some _thing_ came bursting up through the ground, causing the vehicle to shake violently as they grabbed for a foothold to keep from getting knocked around. And as Shepard stared out through the windshield, he saw something that had been confined to his darkest nightmares for the past six years.  
  
 _"THRESHER MAWS! EVERYBODY RUN FOR THE LANDING ZONE!"  
  
Someone behind him was screaming in agony. Several rounds of gunfire followed him as he ran, ran as fast as he could, struggling to breathe, struggling to keep moving no matter what. Those things were roaring, louder and louder and louder, they were getting closer and if he didn't run any faster he'd be next.  
  
He heard another scream as another marine was grabbed, the horrifying last sounds of a man desperate to stay alive being dragged to his death. But he blocked it out, buried it under the sound of his heart beating as he ran. Several of the men had stayed behind, unleashing gunfire on the beasts chasing them, but he could hear the streams of bullets dying out one by one under waves of screams and silence and otherworldly shrieking.  
  
There were still a handful of men and women with him as they raced for the landing zone where the shuttles were parked – too many now for the too few marines still left alive.  
  
The ground was shaking faster and faster no matter how quickly they ran, and a scream erupted from his left when a maw burst from the ground, taking down two of his teammates in one blow – rocky debris scattered everywhere and he lost his footing and fell, tumbling to the ground and losing his assault rifle in the process.  
  
The thresher maw was roaring directly above him and he knew it was the end even as he scrambled to his feet – he was shocked, however, when a pair of hands grabbed him by the arm and dragged him upright, throwing him forwards so he could keep running.  
  
"RUN!"  
  
He didn't even have to look to know it was Toombs who had saved him, but he ground to a halt the moment he heard him scream again, this time no longer an order to run for his life. He turned back and lunged to grab the Corporal's hand as the thresher grabbed hold of him about the legs, threatening to drag him under.  
  
"Toombs, hold on!" he shouted, scrabbling for purchase against the rocky ground as the maw tried to drag them both backwards – he was too weak, though, and Toombs was covered in blood and there were acid burns on his hard suit and he was screaming, screaming for help, screaming because he didn't want to die.  
  
The maw roared again, rearing back as it pulled them, and Shepard didn't look up in time to realize what it was doing – the acid splattered across his right side, searing straight through his hard suit and eating into his skin. He screamed in agony and Toomb's hand slipped from his own as he fell backwards, and within seconds the maw and Toombs were both gone.  
  
He didn't know how he was still moving. His entire side felt like it was on fire, he could barely run as he limped as fast as he could – he was so close, the landing zone was right there, he just had to keep moving. The maws were still roaring behind him, the last screams disappearing for good. He could hear the roaring, shrieking so loud in his ears growing closer and closer and he was almost there—  
  
The last thing he remembered was climbing into a shuttle, smashing a hand on the distress beacon and autopilot, and collapsing on the floor. At least he wouldn't be conscious when he died, he realized as he held a hand over the bleeding, melted flesh spanning his right side, before everything suddenly faded to black under waves of pain and anguish._

 

"Oh god," Kaidan whispered, taking in the sight before them, fighting to keep from letting the fear paralyze him, or the panic take over.  He'd never encountered a thresher maw before – and quite frankly would have been perfectly content to spend the rest of his life without ever having met one – but that creature was huge!  A gigantic worm with its head nearly the Mako's size, rising several meters above ground…  And with tentacles, large sharp claws and…   _acid spit_.  
  
"Shit. Hold on," he said, putting the vehicle in reverse a bit too quickly, tires spinning and sinking into the snow.  "Damn it!"  He immediately drove forward for a few feet before bringing the Mako back in reverse again.  This time, the traction held, and he was able to try to put some distance between them and that…   _thing_.  
  
"Shepard, is the mass accelerator cannon online?" he asked urgently, watching the maw move its head back, taking aim.  No answer.  "SHEPARD!" he called again.  Still nothing.  
  
Swerving to the right in order to avoid the ball of acid thrown their way, he felt Shepard's upper body bump and then sag against his shoulder like a rag doll.  "Shepard!" he shouted, not bothering to hide the anguish in his voice, immediately grabbing him by the shoulders and turning to face him.  He gently but quickly lifted his head with one hand, while sliding his other arm around his back and underneath his armpits, in an effort to keep him sitting upright so that he could get a better look at him.  
  
He could see his opened eyes through the helmet's window, but his gaze was completely vacant, empty.  It was as if Shepard was staring right through him and seeing nothing…  
  
"Shepard, come on!" he called out once more, near desperate, shaking him in the hope of provoking some reaction, but the Commander still remained entirely unresponsive.  What he could see of his expression was blank, fixed – the lights were clearly on, but it was becoming increasingly evident that no one was home.  
  
Which meant that it was now entirely up to him to deal with the thresher maw, and get them both out of this alive.  
  
Looking up, he noticed that the maw was no longer anywhere in sight, having gone back underground.  Knowing that it would be too much wishful thinking to hope it'd stay there – the creatures were known to be extremely territorial and tenacious – he used the opportunity to take a quick look at the weapons controls, before quickly bringing the mass accelerator cannon online, ready to fire.  
  
"You know, _when_ we make it back to the Normandy…" Kaidan began, not expecting an answer from Shepard, but needing to speak nevertheless in order to try to fight back the panic, and avoid thinking about how poor their odds of surviving really were.  "…I'm putting forward a motion that says that everyone in the Mako takes turns with the commands; gun-obsessed turian or not!"  
  
As he spoke, he maneuvered Shepard's body so that his head and torso were now lying across his lap, figuring that this would probably be the most stable and safest position for him until he regained consciousness.  
  
"You're just lucky I actually RTFM," he said, instinctively tightening his hold on Shepard, trying to draw courage and strength from the contact, reminding himself what he was fighting for…  Hadn't he said that he wanted to help him fight his demons?  Only he never thought he'd end up doing it so _literally_.  Batarian slavers and thresher maw all in the same day, _really_?  No wonder he'd gone catatonic.  
  
The ground began shaking again and Kaidan tried to anticipate where the maw was likely to emerge next.  He began driving forward as fast he could without risking the Mako getting stuck, figuring that it would be harder for the creature to strike a moving target.  It was much too large and too fast for them to have any hope of outrunning it, not in this kind of weather.  So for now, their only chance was to try to avoid getting hit and wearing it down as much as possible.  
  
There was a loud screeching sound as the maw sprang back to the surface, the sensors indicating its presence on their nine.  He quickly pivoted the cannon's head in its direction and used the weapon's camera to take the shot.  There was a sharp kickback motion in the vehicle as the cannon fired, Kaidan holding Shepard a bit closer to himself to stabilize him.  
  
The projectile hit its mark, and the thresher maw roared.  It swung from left to right and angrily slammed its claws into the ground, before vanishing through the snow and the ice again.  Kaidan could only hope that he had dealt it some actual damage, instead of just having pissed the giant deadly worm off.  
  
And pissed it off he did.  With each time that the thresher maw emerged from the ground, especially following a serious injury, it became more and more aggressive and its attacks much more violent.  It was like an unrelenting game of cat and mouse in which a single moment of inattention could prove fatal.  
  
Each time that the monster disappeared, Kaidan needed to anticipate its next attack and try to plan his own moves accordingly, hoping to catch his opponent by surprise.  But he could feel himself growing more and more tired and starting to make mistakes.  
  
They'd been indirectly hit by splashes of acid a few times; but thankfully, the eezo core and other most important systems were still intact.  One of the maw's spear-like claws had also succeeded in pinning them down once, embedding itself in the hood, until a few well-placed shots in what appeared to be the creature's forehead had forced it to let go, rearing in pain.  
  
And while Kaidan was tired and starting to make mistakes, thankfully, so was the thresher maw.  It may have been more and more aggressive, but its attacks were also becoming slower and less coordinated.  It was refusing to give up the fight though, or even leave any opening for them to retreat.  
  
Had Kaidan been alone in the Mako, at some point, he might have found himself tempted to give up…  His head was threatening to explode from the pressure of having to constantly maintain such a high and absolute level of concentration.  The repetitive cycles of the maw going back underground only to pop up seconds to minutes later in a different location were slowly driving him insane!  And no matter how many times he'd successfully managed to shoot it, the damn thing just _wouldn't go down_.  Why wouldn't it just _die already_?  
  
But the thing was, he wasn't alone.  Shepard depended on him to make it through this, and he'd be damned if he ever let that monster get to him!  The maw might have been driving him mad, but it was also starting to make him feel incredibly angry.  
  
He just wanted the confrontation to end, but was determined to bring his adversary down and save Shepard, no matter what.  The cannon was once again fully charged; perhaps next time…  
  
The thresher maw exploded from the ground right in front of them, making particles of ice and snow rain upon the Mako once more; Kaidan fired the cannon at the same time that the gigantic warm threw another ball of acid spit.  
  
This time, both of them hit their targets head-on, the maw emitting a deafening roar of pain and collapsing in the snow, while various instruments inside the Mako began to emit sparks of sizzling electricity, threatening to burst or overload.  
  
"Shit!" Kaidan swore – they had to get out of the vehicle quickly before the acid ended up getting to them, or they got caught in an electrical fire from one of the overloading systems.  
  
He quickly reached in the back to grab the emergency first aid survival kit, before kicking the side door open.  He threw the kit out first, then grabbed Shepard under both arms and got out of the Mako while trying his best to avoid any contact with the acid that was starting to eat through the hull, having already melted part of the front windshield.  
  
He dragged Shepard far enough from the vehicle to ensure his safety and was about to start checking on him when he heard the now too familiar screeching sound of the thresher maw coming back to life.  
  
He quickly spun in its direction, biotics activating, and he used his powers in an effort to directly tear apart the worm's nervous system.  The maw immediately went rigid, throwing its head back, trying to break free from Kaidan's solid hold.  But after all the damages that it had already sustained, the biotic reave thankfully proved to be just too much, and the creature finally collapsed hard enough to shake the ground, deathly still.  
  
For a few seconds, Kaidan kept holding on, wanting to make sure that it was _really_ dead this time and would hopefully stay that way, until the strain became too much and he fell back to the ground right next to Shepard, breathing heavily, allowing himself to regain part of his strength while fighting hard to maintain his hold on reality.  
  
Despite the intense feeling of relief that they'd _finally_ gotten rid of the most immediate threat, he knew that the fight itself was far from over.  They were still stuck outside in the middle of a blizzard, miles away from the base, and without any means of transportation.  And although their suits could provide them with a certain level of protection from the cold and other environmental hazards, it would only last them a few hours.  
  
 _Speaking of their suits_ …  Trying his best to ignore the physical and mental exhaustion, Kaidan sat up and began checking his armor for any tear or opening, running a diagnostic with his omnitool to make sure that everything had remained sealed and intact.  
  
He then turned to Shepard and began inspecting his armor also, cursing loudly when he found that he'd accidentally been in contact with the maw's acid, probably sometime when he'd been dragging him out of the Mako.  The acid had eaten through a portion on the armor on his left leg, but thankfully, it hadn't been enough to reach the skin and burn him.  He still used some snow to rub it against the opening and try to make sure that there was no acid left on it.  The problem was that the interior of Shepard's armor would now slowly be losing heat; and, unless Kaidan could bring them to shelter and keep them both warm, he would eventually begin suffering from severe hypothermia and…  
  
No, he refused to let that happen.  He hadn't just succeeded in defeating a thresher maw just so that he could lose Shepard to something as trivial and stupid as the cold!  
  
Opening his omnitool's medical interface, he set it up to identify Shepard's biometrics and provide him with continuous, steady readings of his internal body temperature and ECG.  For now, his body temp was 98ºF, and his heat rate appeared to be normal and steady; but he still had to move fast.  
  
"You know, now would be a very good time for you to snap out of it," he said in a tired, yet slightly hopeful voice.  However, the Commander still remained unresponsive.  "Of course that would have been too easy…" he stated a bit dejectedly, though he hadn't really expected it to work.  
  
"I'll be right back," he said, briefly giving him an encouraging pat on the shoulder, before standing and walking back to the Mako.  Careful not to get into contact with the acid, he still managed to slide his arm inside of it and activate the vehicle's distress signal.  The radio was down, but hopefully when the rescue team would come to investigate, they would notice the dead thresher maw and the lack of human bodies surrounding the vehicle, and come to the conclusion that both of them had gone looking for shelter.  
  
He then grabbed the survival kit, securing the backpack on his shoulders, and made his way back to Shepard.  He checked the area map on his omnitool, which still kept beeping steadily to the rhythm of the Commander's beating heart.  All things considered, they were rather lucky.  The thresher maw's nest had been close to some mountains, which thankfully had a few caverns on their side.  One of them appeared to be just about 1.5 km from their current location.  
  
Of course, that was 1.5 km of walking in knee-deep snow carrying a man in a medium suit of armor on his shoulders, with strong winds blowing sideways at them, trying to deviate him from their course.   _Well, better get to it then._  
  
Kneeling back on the ground, he managed to get Shepard over his shoulders in a fireman's carry and stood up, using his right hand to hold onto Shepard's right arm and keep him securely in place.  This allowed him to still be able to watch his omnitool interface on his left arm.  
  
Considering the fact that the visibility was close to nonexistent, he had to rely entirely on the omnitool's GPS to make sure that he was headed in the right direction.  It was a difficult walk, especially since he had to keep lifting his knees as high as he could with each step he took to keep advancing through the heavy snow, but the Commander's rapidly cooling core temperature was providing him with just enough incentive to keep ignoring the fatigue and the aching in his muscles, and keep moving at a steady pace.  
  
"Shepard, just hang on, alright," he said, though he knew that he probably wouldn't hear him.  Even if he was to regain full awareness, chances were that he'd be slightly confused and disoriented.  He might even start trying to fight him off.  Honestly, he didn't know which would be worse – having to deal with a conscious and potentially uncooperative Shepard, or _this_ ; the complete lack of reaction, the utter absence of any will to fight.  He knew that it wasn't the Commander's fault – strong psychological triggers had been responsible for the shock and catatonia – but part of him couldn't help but feel like Shepard was giving up…  
  
 _I can finally let go._  
  
"Please don't…" Kaidan found himself whispering, tears welling up in his eyes.  That dream had kept haunting him for so long.  The intangible enemies that he hadn't been able to defeat, that he had failed to save Shepard from…  The peaceful, resigned look in his beautiful grey eyes.  "Please don't let go, I can't…"  
  
There were only a few meters left now, but Shepard's heart still kept slowing dangerously.  40 bpm…  30 bpm… and the temperature was still dropping, now having reached 86°F.  "Hold on, we're almost there," he begged him, finally seeing the outline of the cave's entrance.  
  
Until they managed to reach protection from the violent winds and snow, there wasn't anything he could do besides making sure that they got there.  Everything else was a battle that the Commander was forced to keep fighting on his own…  
  
And he was failing.  From painfully slow and irregular, the sound of the ECG suddenly became one long, dreadful, continuous note, indicating that Commander Shepard had flatlined.  
  
"No," Kaidan croaked, feeling as if his own heart had stopped beating, and the breath had been knocked out of him.   _This isn't happening_ , he thought.  And even if it was, he wouldn't let it!  
  
Finally rushing into the cave, getting far enough from the entrance to ensure that they would be protected from the high winds, he gently dropped Shepard back to the ground as fast as he could, removed the backpack from his shoulders, and took a large thermal blanket from it.  He laid it flat on the ground and proceeded to remove Shepard's helmet, armor and bodysuit, leaving only his underwear.  
  
He then lifted him in his arms and placed him in the middle of the blanket, hoping that it would provide some insulation from the cold floor; quickly opening a number of self-heating packs and putting them behind his neck, underneath his armpits, on his stomach and in the groin area.  
  
"Please, Marco, stay with me…  Please-please-please-please-please…" Kaidan kept repeating like a mantra as he worked as fast as he possibly could to get everything settled.  The hypothermia was providing Shepard with a certain level of protection against brain damage, but if there was any chance for him to succeed in restarting his heart, he had to begin CPR, and quickly.  
  
Having discarded his own helmet and gloves, he began chest compressions, wincing slightly as he heard a rib or two crack under the pressure.  "I can't let you go, you hear me?" he said desperately, "Not when I've just got you back…  Not when I…"  … _love you_.  
  
 _I love you…_   Kaidan thought again, the realization catching him off guard, making him feel like he was on the edge of a cliff, about to lose his footing.  He didn't know if he should laugh or cry from knowing that he had finally made sense of his feelings for Shepard now that the universe was threatening to take him away from him.  
  
Beyond friendship, beyond loyalty, beyond that desire to keep him safe and their camaraderie…  From the very moment they had met, there had always been a "spark" in him that had kept growing brighter and stronger as the weeks had passed, and as they had gotten to know and trust each other.  He hadn't been ready to face it back then, too respectful of the regulations and of Shepard's position as his superior officer; having long accepted that as soldiers, their duty to the mission and the crew must always come first.  
  
But here, lost and alone in the cold with him - and with so much to lose - that love was all that he could see.  All that really mattered.  He couldn't bring himself to say it out loud, though.  Not when Shepard was unconscious, hovering somewhere between life and death.  It wouldn't feel right…  It would be like admitting that it was over, and that he'd never have another opportunity to tell him how he truly felt.  And he wasn't ready to accept that.  
  
Instead he gently tilted his head back, and locked his lips against his, trying to breathe life back into him.  Praying that somewhere, somehow, Shepard could feel how much he needed him to hold on to life, and how lost he would be without him.  He repeated the process for a second time, before returning to the chest compressions.

  
\--  
  
 _The last thing Shepard remembered, a massive, angry thresher maw had burst from the ice directly in front of them. He vaguely remembered going rigid, every muscle in his body tensing, his heart nearly stopping and his breath catching in his throat.  
  
At first the memories were lucid, so real that he was almost sure that they were happening again. He was a slave to the pattern, however, unable to break free and do things differently, no matter how loudly that voice in the back of his screamed at him to just **do something**. He had the power now; he could save those men and women. But he was scared and desperate all over again, running for his life as the screams swelled and died behind him. His chest hurt with each sharp inhalation as he gasped for breath, stumbling over rocky terrain, feeling the ground shake beneath him as the maws drew closer.  
  
He could still taste the blood on his tongue, the salty tang of his sweat pouring down his face. He could still hear Toombs screaming for help, echoing in his ears. He could still feel his side **burning** as he laid on the floor of the escape shuttle, tears of pain dripping against the metal flooring as he fought –and failed – to stay conscious.  
  
He didn't wake up in the Mako, however, nor did he wake up in an Alliance med bay as a nurse applied medigel to the bloody, blistering wound covering his side. Something wasn't right – the scenery had warped into something familiar, but no longer the same. He was upright again, no longer curled on the floor in pain, once again running as fast as his feet would carry him under the burden he refused to let go.  
  
He could smell the smoke. Screaming in the distance. He was gasping for breath again, running for his life, but this time he wasn't stumbling over shaking rocks, listening to the roars of thresher maws behind him. He could hear shouting, guttural voices roaring in anger, guns going off – he raced across wet grass as buckshot peppered the ground at his feet. The child clutched in his arms like precious cargo was trembling and crying but the sound of his harsh breathing drowned out the pitiful sounds of her sobbing.  
  
He heard his older brother Samuel scream. He almost looked back, but forced himself to keep running. No matter what.  
  
The bullet tore into his back before he'd even realized that it had been fired and he cried out in agony, stumbling and ready to fall – but he somehow managed to keep upright, pulling from that last bit of strength – only to hear a shotgun go off one, two, three times. His sister screamed. He fell, and he knew he was dead.  
  
Things faded in and out at the point, whether from blood loss, trauma, or imperfect memory, he couldn't say. He remembered being kicked over onto his back, forcibly separated from the girl he was so desperate to protect, only to turn his head and see eyes so much like his own staring back at him, hazed and empty. He remembered sobbing, inhuman screams of agony escaping his throat – from the loss, from the bullets buried in his back, from the way the batarian leered down at him, readying a bullet in his pistol only to back away and leave him there to die, watching as his feet retreated into the distance beyond his immediate vision.  
  
He remembered reaching over, taking Alicia's hand in his own, and waiting to join her and the rest of his family.  
  
But then he was up again. Running through a training course, decked in ICT fatigues, charging from target to target like a biotic freight train, ignoring everything except for the path directly in front of him and the way his blood pounded in his ears, synchronized to his heartbeat as it thrummed against his ribcage faster and faster, unyielding and unstoppable. Breaking equipment in raw fury, sending testing dummies flying into the far wall with each unrestrained shockwave, energy crackling and arcing with each practiced movement.   
  
Finishing the course, stalking through the exit with biotics pulsing across his skin, ignoring the other trainees as they stared at him like he was a rabid animal.   
  
Staring out at the horizon past the Villa, out towards a pattern of lights that he knew was Rio. Four hours were allotted each night for sleep at ICT. He was lucky if he took ten minutes.  
  
Suddenly sitting in a quiet, clean room that smelled like antiseptic and the last nurse's perfume. White walls, paintings of fruit and flowers, a hospital bed and chairs and a nightstand for cards and flowers. A gold medal hung from a purple ribbon pinned to a display board, lying on its back in the center of the nightstand. Staring up at an impossibly white ceiling, listening to the sound of the heart monitors beeping. He inhaled slowly, the emergency skin grafts on his side stretching with the movement and making him tense in pain, eyes squeezing shut.  
  
Opening his eyes and seeing a distressed male in Alliance medical fatigues standing over him – he reacted on instinct, not recognizing his surroundings or the person standing over him, not even willing to accept the fact that he was somehow still alive – he reached to shove the man away, only for immense pain to ripple through his nervous system, searing through his back and making his head hurt so badly that he saw white. And then there was a crash, and blue electricity danced across his vision, and he saw the nurse hit the ground.  
  
Turning when he heard Garrus yell, and seeing Kaidan fall back against the ground, a bloody wound in his chest. Overwhelming anger and fear and panic as he slammed his body into the geth responsible. Chest tightening, hands clenched around Kaidan's, clinging to the hope that it wasn't too late.  
  
"I can finally let go."  
  
Watching Toomb's body slump to the floor.  
  
Staring at the blank wall next to the bed in his apartment. Pulling his hand away from the fresh scar tissue covering his side, disgusted and ashamed. Eyes burning from lack of sleep, from rampant insomnia, from inescapable nightmares. Staring down at a bottle of sleeping pills. Hands trembling as he removed the lid.  
  
Everything just… faded away. Like the color, the details, everything had been drained away, leaving nothing but empty space and blackness. Overwhelming emotions pressed in on him from all sides like water intent on drowning him, dragging him further and further into the abyss.  
  
At first the feelings were easily identifiable… Anger, fear, shame, hopelessness, helplessness, guilt. Each one could be picked apart from the others and segregated into its own compartment, a place to hold onto it until a later date. But they were pouring in too fast, overflowing, stifling almost all of his senses.  
  
He was shaking. From exhaustion, from fear, from the cold outside, from all of the above, perhaps. He felt so numb, so drained, unable to move – he could barely draw breath, let alone try to move about or lift a finger. Did he even need to breathe in a dream? He wasn't sure. It was so realistic before the images had faded, the pain in his lungs as he had gasped for air, the soreness in his muscles as he forced himself to run for his life, run with every last ounce of strength he had left in his body – the agony as his skin melted from the acid, the agony as blood poured down his back and soaked his t-shirt red. Now he was slipping away into the embrace of something dark and cold, like icy arms wrapping around him, comforting him with promise of someplace warmer. Someplace he could stop the memories, stop the pain and the fear and the guilt.  
  
He would have been content to let those thoughts pull him under, but something wasn't allowing it. Something else was pulling him upwards, out of the abyss, from black to white. Emotions cascaded through him, pain replaced by warmth, fear replaced by hope, guilt replaced by love.  
  
These weren't his emotions. They were foreign, unfamiliar, but they were there and they weren't content with allowing him to slip away so easily.   
  
So he followed them._  
  
\--  
  
Shepard eased his eyes open, expecting the interior of the Mako to greet him. What he hadn't expected was to open his eyes to the scene of Kaidan hunched over his body, hands pressed to his torso as he desperately counted out chest compressions. Though, strangely enough, he was far more inclined to wonder how he had managed to lose consciousness while standing than how he was able to clearly see his own body laying on the ground, skin pale and lips turning blue.  
  
There were several emotions he should have felt at that moment in time, but none of them seemed to want to surface. All he could feel was this sense of calm, so comforting and welcoming, the likes of which he had never felt before. Even the sight of his body, clearly dying, wasn't enough to raise fear or concern.  
  
He sunk down into a kneeling position next to Kaidan as he worked vigorously to revive him, staring down at the scene for a moment before turning to look at Kaidan's face, so distraught with emotion and panic.  
  
"You can stop now, Kaidan. I don't think it's going to work."  
  
Kaidan didn't respond, and Shepard merely reached over and brushed a soft hand down the back of his neck – a comforting gesture, but Kaidan didn't even bat an eyelash. Shepard frowned. "Why are you still trying?"  
  
"He can't hear you, you know," came a voice from behind him, and if he hadn't been so unnaturally calm, he might have jumped in shock. As it stood all he could muster was a slightly surprised look, turning to look over his shoulder to see Toombs standing behind him with a knowing smirk on his face.  
  
"You _do_ know what's happening, right?" he went on to ask, watching as Shepard rose to his feet – he didn't turn to face him, however, opting instead to look down at Kaidan and his own body stretched lifelessly on the ground.  
  
"Am I dreaming, or am I dying?" he asked flatly, watching Kaidan's hands as they pushed against his torso over and over and over.  
  
Footsteps crunched across the ground as Toombs walked up to stand next to him. "What do you think?"  
  
Shepard pressed his lips together in a tight line for a moment, before speaking. "Even if this is real, you're not going to give me a straight answer."  
  
A soft laugh. "Bingo. I'll let you decide what you want to believe. Whatever makes you happier."  
  
"Neither," Shepard responded, that calm ebbing away every so slightly under a weak wave of frustration. "If I'm dying, it's already too late, and if this is a dream, then I have no idea when or if I'm going to wake up."  
  
"Not necessarily. You seemed perfectly content with letting go earlier, when you weren't even aware of your surroundings. But you're still here. _Something_ kept you from slipping under."  
  
Shepard sighed through his nose, before shaking his head and once again feeling that frustration come back. "I… I don't know what that was."  
  
Toombs cast a knowing look to his side, towards Shepard. "I think you do."  
  
For what felt like an eternity, but in reality couldn't have been much more than a minute or two, Kaidan kept maintaining his efforts to revive him, refusing to even consider the possibility that it could be over, and that Shepard wasn't coming back.  
  
It had taken him fifteen years to finally find someone that he felt safe enough with again to open up his heart to…  To let himself _lose control_ over his feelings, and dare to love.  An even if that love ended up being unrequited, even if it ended up being forbidden, he'd still rather have Shepard by his side and share with him the little that he could be allowed to share, than to lose him and lose everything.  
  
He also knew that soon would come a time where he would have to make a choice…  If Shepard couldn't be revived no matter how hard he tried, then he would need to put his own helmet and gloves back on and seal his suit in order to preserve heat for as long as his armor's oxygen reserves were still available.  And then, use the remaining heat packs and the thermal blanket to keep himself alive until a rescue team would finally find them; if one ever did.  
  
And he couldn't do it.  He didn't want to die, but he could feel that the fight was almost gone from him.  There was only so much he could take, so much left for him to give and hold on to…  And this time, the thought of the parents and distant loved ones that he might be leaving behind simply wasn't enough.  
  
"Please Marco, I can't do this alone…" Kaidan said brokenly, not caring about the tears running down his face, or the fact that he was shaking.  His nerves were shot, and he was too tired and desperate to care.  
  
"You once asked me to hold on…  And that's exactly what I'm going to do.  I'll hold on to you." He kept compressing his chest until he reached the count of thirty, and then bent down again, locking lips, closing his eyes as he blew two more deep and slow breaths into his lungs.  
  
He then brought his attention back to Shepard's heart.  "I'll hold on and keep trying to save you until there is no more strength left in me to save myself," he said, throwing him a challenge.  "So I dare you, Marco Shepard…  I fucking dare you to come back to me and save _my_ life."  
  
Shepard felt an emotion course through him that might have been alarm, but he wasn't able to grasp it before it was gone. He almost felt frustrated again – he never thought he'd dislike calm so much. He dropped back into a kneeling position next to Kaidan, grabbing his shoulder.  
  
"Kaidan, don't you dare—"  
  
"Didn't I already tell you that he couldn't hear you?" Toombs asked, a slight lilt of amusement to his tone that had Shepard frustrated all over again. He turned to look up at him, not letting go of Kaidan in the process.  
  
"This is ridiculous. He's going to kill himself trying to save _me_ ," he snapped, irritation levels rising enough that the calm started to ebb again. "He has a chance to survive and he won't take it. _Why?_ "  
  
Toombs' lips were still curved into that smile, the one that told Shepard he knew a lot more than he was letting on, that he could see through him like wet tissue paper. "Why, do you think?"  
  
"Because he's a self-sacrificing idiot," Shepard responded almost automatically.  
  
"Do you really believe that? Because it sounds to me like you just described yourself, as you were not that many days ago, actually."  
  
Shepard was driven speechless for a moment, not quite able to form a proper response as he stared up at Toombs. He was still smiling, still watching the scene in front of them.  
  
"Tell me, Shepard. How do you feel about this man?" Toombs continued, gesturing a hand loosely towards Kaidan as he continued his frantic efforts to revive Shepard's body, tears streaming down his face.  
  
Shepard looked between his hand and Kaidan's face, struggling with how he could possibly answer that question. The expression on Kaidan's face, the desperation lacing his tone – it made his chest hurt to look at him, to feel the emotions emanating from him, the panic, the fear, the hope, the love.  
  
Shock settled in and Shepard froze in spot for a long moment, inhaling sharply and forgetting for a long time to exhale. And when he did, it was all he could do not to crack.  
  
Love.  
  
That was an emotion he hadn't felt in a long, long time. It was something he'd refused to allow, something he'd ignored and shoved away and locked into a lockbox in the back corner of his mind. He'd convinced himself that it was for the best, and maybe it had been. He was a superior officer. Love was against the regulations; it was something that caused hesitation on the battlefield and bad decisions and pain.  
  
But the love he could feel, desperate and raw coming from somewhere deep within the man sitting next to him – only part of it was distinctly _Kaidan_. He'd never thought that emotions had identities but he knew almost immediately that this was a shared feeling; something half held and half owed. It had been missing part of itself for a while, its other half locked away in that dusty lockbox, covered in warning labels and red tape. But that lockbox was gone, obliterated. He held the emotion in his hands like something fragile, something worth protecting but so easy to lose, so easy to break into little pieces that could never be put back together again.  
  
That had always been the risk of acknowledging it, bringing it to bear and even considering the idea that it existed. And sitting there next to Kaidan as he fought with every ounce of his willpower and resolve to bring Shepard back to life, the last thing on his mind was regulations and petty denial.  
  
"I… I would die for him."  
  
Toombs made a _tsk_ ing sound behind him, tongue clicking against the roof of his mouth in disapproval. "No, Shepard. Try again."  
  
Shepard looked up at him, pinning him with a glare. "How is that wrong? It's how I feel."  
  
Toombs sighed, before stepping around the body laying on the ground and sinking to his knees across from Shepard, so that the two could hold eye contact. It was unnerving, looking at a man he'd seen shoot himself from across his own body. "You've spent the past thirteen years of your life sitting on a ledge, always leaning forwards but never quite able to let go of the edge. Sometimes the wind almost blows you over; sometimes you try to fall of your own accord. Either way, you've grown so accustomed to the abyss that the idea of falling into it doesn't scare you anymore. And when someone no longer fears death, being 'willing to die for someone' becomes hollow words.  
  
"Shepard, you're willing to die for anyone you feel like has more to lose than you do, if only because you don't want anyone to suffer the same kind of loss you've been through. And while that's noble, you're taking away someone's basic right to make their own choices regarding their own life. You refuse to allow sacrifice for your sake, and yet you never realized that you might become important enough to someone that your sacrifice would hurt them. That there are people who are willing to die for _you_ ," Toombs said, not once breaking eye contact with the man sitting across from him.  
  
Shepard looked away after a long moment, expression faltering in conflict – the calm was almost gone, replaced by nothing short of emotional turmoil as he considered Toombs' words. "I know that. But… if there's even a chance that someone can live because I died—"  
  
"You do realize that there is a key difference between living and being alive, correct?" Toombs interrupted, causing Shepard to grind to a halt.  
  
"I… don't… I mean, yeah, but—"  
  
"Look at him," Toombs once again interjected, nodding his head towards Kaidan, the fear and desperation almost tangible at that point. "You became a part of this man's life, and clearly that part is important enough that he's willing to give up completely if you don't come back."  
  
Silence fell between the two men for a long moment, the only sound between them being the sound of Kaidan gasping for breath, driving the palms of his hands into Shepard's chest over and over.  
  
The calm began to return, slowly overriding the emotions boiling inside of Shepard. He reached over and brushed a gentle hand down the side of Kaidan's face despite knowing full well that he couldn't feel it nor would he respond. He'd never seen the man so desperate before, face flushed with tears and panic and the faintest glimmer of hope, slowly but surely extinguishing as each sharp thrust downwards of his hands did nothing. Shepard felt his chest tightening despite the settling calm, his heart aching like someone had squeezed it in their fist, trying to wring the life out of it.  
  
"I… don't want to die for him," he began, but his voice cracked and his vision blurred and before he knew what was happening, tears were streaming down his face. He wanted to be alarmed – he hadn't cried since… since he couldn't even remember when. But something had broken, snapped in two, and he couldn't stop himself. "I-I want to live for him."  
  
He didn't even have to look at Toombs to know that he was smiling. "Then I think we're done here."  
  
Toombs stood up from his kneeling position, going to pass Shepard as he sat next to Kaidan, taking his hand away from his face as he leaned down once again to breathe into the body lying in front of him. He turned to watch as Toombs began to walk away, towards the cave's entrance.  
  
"Hey, Toombs?"  
  
The man stopped, turning back enough to look down at Shepard, an expectant look on his face.  
  
"Can… can you tell my family that I'm sorry?" Shepard asked, barely able to keep his voice from shaking. "Tell Sam that I'm sorry I didn't come back for him, and Allie that I'm sorry I couldn't protect her—"  
  
Toombs held up a hand to stop his rambling. "Shepard, they already know. And if you don't believe that, you can tell them yourself when it's actually time for you to go. Right now you've got someone to get back to. I'd suggest doing it before it's too late."  
  
"I… all right," Shepard conceded, looking away for a moment, before turning to address Toombs one last time. "And Toombs? I'm sorry. To you, and the rest of the unit. I'm sorry I couldn't save you."  
  
That knowing smile was back. "You don't owe any apologies to anyone, Shepard. You survived. And if there is any greater insult to the people who caused the tragedies you've endured, it's the fact that someone made it out alive. You want to repay us for our sacrifices? Live. For every one of us who didn't."  
  
Toombs offered him one last farewell salute, before turning to leave. Shepard closed his eyes, and everything faded.

 

\--

 

Almost another minute had passed, and still nothing.  Kaidan was almost ready to give up hope when, as he brought his lips back to Shepard's, a high-pitched beeping sound came from the omnitool's ECG interface…  Followed by another… and another… and another…  
  
For a few seconds, he remained there, lips hovering less than an inch from Shepard's mouth, in a state of shock and disbelief.   _'That's it, my mind has finally snapped,'_ he thought, thinking that he was now beginning to hallucinate, the cold and exhaustion making him delirious.  Until Shepard drew in a sharp breath, the warm air he then exhaled a gentle caress across the scars on his lips.  
  
That had the effect of a lightning bolt, and Kaidan immediately sprang into action, reaching deep into energy reserves that he didn't even think he had left.  In an instant, he had Shepard wrapped tightly in the thermal blanket and then jumped to his feet, quickly removing what was left of his own armor and bodysuit.  He then grabbed the remaining self-heating packs from the survival kit, a few energy bars, and briefly reopened the blanket in order to get himself settled inside of it, holding Shepard in his arms.  
  
He positioned himself so that they were both lying on their sides, facing each other.  The omnitool was still providing him with a steady reading of his heart rate, but he still needed to keep a close eye on Shepard's breathing, and watch for signs that he was regaining consciousness.  
  
Once that was done, he wrapped his legs around Shepard's, holding him securely into place, and folded the other man's arms against his chest so that he could manage to surround him with his own body, almost like a mantle.  He then tightened the thermal blanket around them both, doing his best to ensure that very little heat could escape from it.  
  
He began vigorously rubbing Shepard's upper arms, shoulders, and back in an effort to activate his blood circulation, while trying to disrupt the blanket as little as possible.  As he did so, he couldn't help but pay attention to the feel of the skin underneath his fingertips…  
  
Besides the large scar on his right side, Kaidan could also feel a number of other smaller healed wounds all over his body…  But what caught his attention, especially, was what appeared to be large gunshot wounds on his back.  They were too large, and had done too much damage to the tissues around them to appear to be regular battle wounds.  It was like someone had repeatedly fired a shotgun in his back at close range while he wasn't wearing any armor.  
  
"God…  What happened to you?"  Kaidan whispered quietly, feeling his heart ache and the anger in him rise.  Here, cradling Shepard protectively in his arms, marveling at how perfect his slightly smaller form felt nested against his larger frame, he couldn't help but feel like he was watching over the most beautiful and precious thing in his world. The thought that someone else could ever have sought to hurt him…  
  
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, resting his forehead against Shepard's, enjoying the feel of the warm breaths tickling his lips, each single one of them an acute reminder that he was alive.  They both were.  And he was immensely grateful for that small miracle.  
  
A deep feeling of calm and relief settled upon his soul, and he had to open his eyes again, afraid that if he kept them closed for much longer, he would end up giving in to the weariness and fall asleep.  Under the circumstances, that was simply too dangerous.  
  
After a few minutes, he noticed that Shepard's eyes appeared to be moving beneath his lids.  Soon, he began blinking, gaze still a bit unfocused.  Thankfully, the light coming from the cave's entrance and their omnitools wasn't too harsh.  
  
However, considering that the last memory that Shepard might have was of that thresher maw appearing before them while they had both been sitting in the Mako, there was some risk that he might be feeling confused, disoriented, and perhaps even scared.  
  
"It's alright Marco, I've got you," Kaidan said quietly, trying to keep his tone as reassuring as possible.  He lifted one hand to delicately and almost lovingly come to rest against his cheek, while his other arm slightly tightened his hold on him, ready to steady him should he begin thrashing about.  "You're safe now," he added with a gentle, encouraging smile, waiting for Shepard to regain full awareness of his surroundings.  
  
At first, Shepard wasn't sure if he wanted to open his eyes. Everything around him felt _wrong_ , like he'd been transplanted into the wrong body, at the wrong place. He remembered the thresher maw exploding from the ground, but everything after that was a congealed mess of emotions and memories and voices.  
  
He vaguely remembered Toombs' voice, but that was impossible… Toombs was dead. Had he dreamt it up?  He'd been stuck in looping hallucinations for so long that it wasn't a far stretch to think that he might have succumbed to some kind of lucid nightmare. He'd held a full conversation with a dead man… the words were slowly seeping back into his consciousness, and the more he remembered, the more difficult it became to stomach the explanation that it had all been a dream.  
  
Something about it all felt too _real_.  
  
He realized that he was trembling. His hands were shaking, his skin was prickling with biting cold except for the points where patches of heat had been applied to his skin, under his arms and between his legs and across his stomach. His chest hurt, like he'd been stomped by an elcor. As he inhaled, he felt his ribs twinge in pain – they must have been cracked at some point. It wasn't the first time, but it still hurt.  
  
He focused on the feelings first, cataloging the twinges and stings of pain, the cold biting into his bare skin. The soft blanket rubbing against his cold flesh. Warm skin damp with sweat pressed against him, strong arms circling him and trying to bar the cold from reaching him any further. Soft breaths wafting over his face.  
  
Slowly, carefully, he opened his eyes. Despite the fact that his vision was hazy and blurry, he didn't need it clear in order to see the brown eyes staring directly back at him, or the gentle smile assuring him he was in the right place, the right body, and that everything was going to be okay. Kaidan's hand was against his cheek, warm and stabilizing, and it was all he could do not to just clutch it to his face and lean into the embrace.  
  
He licked his lips, trying to will away the dryness, before he finally spoke, voice hoarse. "You called me Marco. No one calls me that," he said with a weak laugh that made his ribs hurt again. He shook his head slightly – of all the things to say after waking up from a near death experience, he was commenting on Kaidan using his first name. It _was_ surprising – it had been years since anyone had cared to call him anything other than Shepard, to the point that he wouldn't even introduce himself by first name anymore. Most people wouldn't know it if they hadn't read his files. But, there were far more important things to say and for all he knew, he wouldn't have enough time to say them.  
  
He exhaled slowly, pressing his forehead against Kaidan's and closing his eyes. "You saved my life. Again," he said in a soft voice, barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry it came down to that. I froze up and you had to deal with the consequences. For what it's worth… Thank you. Thank you for saving me… in more ways than one."  
  
He'd called him Marco?  He…  Kaidan hadn't even noticed he'd called him that.  Commander, Shepard, _Marco_ …  Leader, friend, and…   _so much more_.  
  
Just another boundary, another barrier that he had instinctively felt the need to break down as he'd been desperately trying to reach him.  One more intimate connection that he had needed to feel with the man that he had frantically tried to save.  
  
A man that was now breathing, moving, talking, and even laughing a bit.  A man whose body and mind were now once again whole, alive, and very much _here_.  Right here, with him, in the comfort of his arms, and thanking him for still being here, also.  
  
Kaidan suddenly felt so very small, so insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  
  
He'd fought so hard…  Tried to keep it together for so long…  Maintained such solid barriers around himself until one man had come charging into his life, and had made them explode in one great brilliant flash of warmth and light.  
  
And he'd needed that…  He'd needed it _so badly_.  Someone to remind him of what if felt like to allow himself to feel, and to love, and to be _free_.  To truly embrace life, including the parts that remained buried deep within him, out of fear or lack of understanding.  
  
"Shepard, I…" _love you – need you – want you in my life – was so scared you were dead – thought you weren't coming back, and couldn't stand it – couldn't have kept fighting without you by my side – believe your presence gives me so much strength, helps me achieve so much more than I could on my own – have never met another man who could ever make me feel the way you do – trust you with my life, my heart, my soul – am, quite simply, **yours**._  
  
All the emotions of the day came rushing back to him in waves.  Powerful, overwhelming…  The pain, the relief, the fear, the hope, the joy, the despair, the love, and the incredible happiness that Shepard was alive…  It all came crashing, his body shaking, his eyes filling with tears.  He suddenly found himself naked, figuratively speaking – though he supposed that he was in a pretty advanced state of undress, too – stripped of any of his usual protective emotional walls.  
  
And he finally just broke down.  Relinquishing all control, he found himself crying, and trembling, and nearly clinging to Shepard, his face buried in the crook of his neck as he tried to will himself to calm down, trying to catch his breath.  "I'm sorry…" he said, his voice a bit muffled by Shepard's smooth and cool skin.  "Nerves, you know.  It's been a kind of an off-day for me." He half-laughed, half-hiccupped as he realized how very weak and tired he sounded.  "I thought you weren't coming back, Marco," he added, his voice small and breaking. "And I'm just really, _really_ happy and relieved you're here…"  
  
Shepard was lucky _he_ didn't break down at that point. He'd never seen Kaidan so emotional, breaking down so easily and baring his emotions without any provocation. Well, everything that had led up to that point was probably sufficient provocation, come to think of it – and Shepard felt the guilt hit him in the gut like a stiff uppercut. This was his fault. If only he hadn't frozen up… they would have made it out of there just fine.   
  
He wasn't sure exactly what had happened, but he had to presume the Mako had been destroyed or disabled and Kaidan had dragged his unresponsive body to a nearby cave. Sometime during that ordeal he had nearly died, though judging by his lack of injuries he knew it wasn't from the maw's attacks. He had to assume from the missing armor and the fact that he had self-heating packs applied to his skin in various places that he'd succumbed to hypothermia. In which case he felt luckier than ever to still be alive.  
  
He slid his arms from between their bodies, slipping them around Kaidan's back and pulling him into a closer embrace, one hand going to the back of his neck and softly stroking his hair – he didn't care if the contact was inappropriate. They were half-naked and intertwined in an embrace right now; there wasn't a lot they could do to make things any more awkward. They were here, they were warm, they were together, and that was all that mattered.   
  
"It's all right, Kaidan. Just… just let it out, don't try to hold any of it in. Don't apologize, either," he said, voice shaking as he tried to reign in his own emotions. "You've been through a lot. You saved my life. I think you're entitled," he added, trying to put on a lighthearted tone but ultimately failing.  His grip tightened ever so slightly around Kaidan, and he pressed his face into his shoulder, expression twisting a bit with the urge to cry.  
  
Even if Kaidan had wished to hold anything in, his body simply wouldn't have allowed it.  It was as if someone had just opened the valve of a pressure cooker, releasing all the tension that had been accumulating inside of him over the last few hours.  
  
He didn't even have any energy left to feel embarrassed anymore.  So he let Shepard's words and gentle touch soothe him.  Eventually, his breathing naturally slowed and evened out, the tears stopped falling, the shaking subsided, and a deep sense of calm settled over him.  He just felt… pleasantly numb.  
  
Eyes closed, face still nestled against the other man's neck, gingerly held in Shepard's embrace as he delicately ran his fingers through his hair…  Kaidan felt safe, peaceful, and oddly content.  Feeling the urge to finally rest and succumb to the inviting darkness…  
  
Thankfully, his survival instincts quickly took over and he jolted with a startled gasp.  He found himself staring right into Shepard's questioning eyes, silently asking him what was wrong.  
  
"Talk to me," Kaidan said urgently, as Shepard gave him an even more confused look.  "I don't mean to worry you, but after the maw finally went down, I was only able to activate the Mako's distress beacon – the radio was too badly damaged," he explained, informing Shepard of the details of their current predicament.  "Technically, since I reached the cave that was the closest to it, once the rescue team finds the Mako, they should be able to locate us."  
  
In theory, that meant that they would need to first get the signal.  Then, considering that they were the second vehicle to get stuck in the same area with its communications down, he supposed that Garrus would have to report directly to the Alliance to let them know of the situation, and organize a better equipped search party.  That could take a few hours, since he doubted that they would agree to risk sending a single vehicle after them, not knowing what to expect.  
  
"So until then, that means that we have to find ways to keep ourselves stimulated somehow; because falling asleep could be very dangerous.  So please just keep talking to me," he asked, knowing that the fight for their lives wasn't yet won.  But at least, this time, he knew that he wouldn't have to keep fighting it alone.  They could do this.  
  
"I..." Shepard faltered for a moment, not entirely certain how he should respond. He wasn't much of a talker; he had always chosen to listen, never wanting to burden others with his problems or worries. But in this case he couldn't afford to be choosy. He could tell just from Kaidan's expression, the way his body felt in his arms, that he was hanging from a very thin thread. He barely had any energy left in him.  
  
At least Shepard still had some energy reserves to run off of, but he knew even he wouldn't last very long if Kaidan went. And if they both lost consciousness, it would be nothing short of a miracle if they survived long enough for the rescue team to find them.  
  
If the rescue team came at all.  
  
That thought did little to comfort him, so he pushed it out of his mind almost immediately. They hadn't come this far to die now. Not from something trivial like hypothermia. And if they died here… it would be by his own fault. He refused to let that happen.  
  
 _'Kaidan nearly died saving your life because you froze up. You at least owe him an explanation as to why it came down to that.'_  
  
Shepard gave a soft sigh, looking away from Kaidan's face and staring at a spot on his collarbone so he wouldn't have to maintain eye contact. "When that maw came out of the ground, everything just sort of fell apart. All I could see were the threshers on Akuze, slaughtering my unit," he began to explain, only to pause to take a deep, shaking breath, trying to steady himself. "I felt like I was there again, running for my life. I could feel everything all over again – the fear, the pain, the desperation. I don't even remember what happened after the thresher came out of the ice."  
  
He closed his eyes, unable to keep from grimacing. "I did the therapy, everything the Alliance threw at me when I told them I wanted to continue serving. I passed their tests. On paper, I was the same as before. But…" he paused, expression twisting for a moment with indiscernible emotions. "I faked my recovery, Kaidan. I'm still fucked up; you've seen it. But I was so desperate. The Alliance is all I have. I wasn't ready to leave because they thought I might be damaged. And because of that, we almost died. I'm so, so sorry…"  
  
"You don't know that," Kaidan said gently, saddened that Shepard appeared to believe that he was responsible for what was happening to them.  "Even if the parameters of the situation had been changed, there would still probably have been a thousand different ways that things could have gone down."  While he didn't share Ashley's religious convictions, or wasn't normally one to believe that the future was pre-determined; sometimes, it did feel that certain things happened for a reason.  
  
Maybe it was better for him to have fought the thresher maw on his own, after all.  Maybe if they had needed to coordinate their attacks, it would have created more opportunities for distractions and mistakes.  Or maybe they would have defeated it more effectively, and succeeded in keeping the Mako operational.  Either way, they would never know for sure.  
  
"I would tell you to stop blaming yourself for what happened, but if it were that easy, I guess a lot of shrinks out there would be out of jobs," he added with a soft smile, delicately putting a finger under Shepard's chin and lifting his head so that he could look at him directly in the eyes.  "But no matter what happens, I need you to know that I don't blame you.  I'm at peace with what happened," he said, hoping that the other man would see that he was completely sincere, and not only saying this to make him feel better.  
  
Really, how could he ever blame him, and for what?  For having been so violently tested by fate on so many occasions?  For having chosen to live, and try to make the most of the hand he had been given?  
  
He remembered what it was like to feel so lost that he didn't know if he still had a place in the world.  To find himself at a crossroad where he was under the impression that all of the doors around him were locked tight, and he had nothing left to look forward to.  
  
 _The Alliance is all I have_.  Funny how Shepard's words seemed to reverberate deep within himself.  Except in Shepard's case, he supposed that the feeling probably ran even deeper considering that he had lost his whole family.   _'Now you have me, too.'_ Kaidan was almost tempted to say.  And even if Shepard didn't return his feelings, he knew that at the very least, he did care about him, deeply.  
  
Kaidan was perfectly willing to be his friend, his brother, his confidante - anything that he needed.  He didn't believe that he would ever be able to stop himself from loving him; but he would always respect Shepard's emotions and decisions, and wouldn't pull away from him even though it might hurt to remain so close to what he could never have.  
  
"You know, from what I remember about these Alliance psychologists and their evaluations, I doubt that you could really have fooled them, Shepard," he said, letting the other man know that he hadn't been the only one that had needed some more solid psychological supervision at some point.  Actually, in their line of work, that tended to be the norm rather than the exception.  
  
"They probably knew that the events of Akuze still affected you in some way; but decided that the contributions that you could still make to the Alliance, either through skills or determination, far outweighed the risks," he continued, looking back at Shepard with a gentle smile.  "You _are_ an amazing soldier and leader, Shepard…  I guess the few scratches and dents just give you character.  And now that I know they are there, I might even be able to help you with that."  
  
Shepard let go of the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, almost feeling as though a heavy weight had suddenly been lifted from his shoulders. He closed his eyes for a moment, thinking over Kaidan's words, before he forced his eyes open again lest he fall asleep. "Thank you, Kaidan," he finally said in a soft voice, forcing himself to hold eye contact to show that he was sincere. "For everything. For saving my life, for staying by my side through all of the ups and downs, for not judging me when I was at my worst.  Even after everything I've put you through – on and off the battlefield – you never gave up on me. I gave up on myself a long time ago, but you're the first person to make me think there might still be a chance."  
  
He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. "I've spent the last six years trying to pretend like I'm undamaged, like none of this has affected me. I've had to live up to this cardboard cutout icon that the Alliance built of me – the _survivor_ , always moving forwards and using my losses like a ladder, climbing higher and doing better in spite of what I've endured. You're the first person I've ever told these things to. I've never wanted to admit that I might be damaged because when you're a soldier, being _damaged_ is not something you want to show on the outside, let alone share with someone else. But I trust you, Kaidan," he said, trying to force on a sincere smile – it came across sad and weak, however, but it was there nonetheless. "Every member of my crew is important to me. But I don't think I've had a connection as strong as the one I feel with you. I hope it's not too forward of me to say so, but I care about you. A lot."  
  
"That's good…  Because I think you're the most important person in my life right now." The words were out of Kaidan's mouth before he really had the time to consider them.  But the most surprising, perhaps, was the fact that he was okay with that.  Shepard had just admitted to caring about him, to the point where he felt a stronger connection to him than anyone else on his crew.  It was apparently enough to make Kaidan's heart race, and he had to fight the urge to start grinning like an idiot.  
  
The fact that their bodies were pressed together so closely, keeping the skin contact to a maximum in order to try to preserve heat, wasn't helping either.  It was all he could do not to slide one of his hands to the back of Shepard's neck, and crash his lips to his, trying to hold him even closer and...   _God Alenko, Shepard just said that he **cared** for you._   Really, that was a pretty innocent thing to admit to a very good friend, nothing that justified him getting all hot and bothered.  Well, besides the obvious.  
  
"Wait, what do you mean you 'gave up on yourself a long time ago?'" Kaidan asked, frowning a bit, his mind having finally registered the other words that the man had spoken now that the giddiness was slowly subsiding, allowing him to regain control of his thoughts.  
  
Shepard's expression faltered and he looked down again. He didn't answer at first, unable to form the words properly – was that something he needed, or wanted to share? He was tired, cold, emotionally fragile, admitting things to Kaidan that he'd never even wanted to admit to himself. And as much as he wanted to deny the possibility, there was still the very real chance that rescue wouldn't come in time and that they very well might die then and there, freezing to death in each other's arms. And even if that thought made his chest hurt and his throat tighten, there wasn't anyone else he'd rather be with at the end.  
  
He breathed out a sigh, breath shuddering with cold and emotion. "Remember the argument we had in the med bay? You asked me if I fought the way I do because I wanted things to go wrong. Because I wanted it to end," he said, voice just barely above a hoarse whisper. "For a while… that was my only motivation. That was the only thing that kept me going. I wanted back in the Alliance because I wanted the chance to die a hero, not a coward. I didn't die on Akuze, so I figured any battlefield would do."  
  
His voice was beginning to shake, and he shut his eyes tightly as he felt the unfamiliar burn of unshed tears coming back to him. "I threw myself in the line of fire so often it became my method – always rushing forwards, drawing fire and keeping my squad mates safe. Eventually, I just started telling myself that I was doing it to protect them. And I was, even if it would cost me my life. But it would have been worth it, because that was what I had wanted from the start."  
  
He made the mistake of opening his eyes again at that point, because it allowed the tears to break free and stream down his face, his expression twisting as he turned his face downwards, so Kaidan didn't have to see him crying. "After Akuze, when they put me on mandatory shore leave so I could undergo therapy – I started suffering from insomnia. I couldn't sleep, and when I did, the nightmares woke me up. So they gave me sleeping pills. I… I was so hopeless, so desperate that things would never get better. The therapy wasn't helping. Getting that fucking medal was like rubbing salt in the wounds."   
  
He had to stop for a moment, biting into his lower lip to steady himself, before he continued, voice so broken he wouldn't have thought he was himself anymore if he didn't know any better. "I tried to kill myself, Kaidan. I took an overdose. I don't know how or why, but it didn't work. I woke up, I threw away the note, and I pretended like it never happened. I put on my uniform and ever since then I've been working towards a different kind of suicide. Just because I wear armor and throw myself into enemy fire doesn't make me any less of a coward."  
  
As Shepard spoke, Kaidan tightened his hold on him a little, soothingly running one of his hands up and down his back, sometimes unconsciously tracing the outline of his scars.  The emotions he felt were an odd mix of heartache and overwhelming relief.  And he was deeply moved that Shepard trusted him enough to open up to him about something obviously so intimate, and painful.  
  
Somehow, he had always known…  But hearing Shepard openly admit that he had wanted to die, so much so that he'd even tried taking his own life in the past, was actually giving him hope.  The dark shadows from his dreams were finally taking shape, becoming something tangible that could be fought back – together, if Shepard would let him.  
  
He quietly watched the tears fall, repressing the urge to kiss them…  Instead, he lifted a hand to his cheek to gently brush them away with his thumb.  He then rested his forehead against Shepard's, rubbing his nose against his in an affectionate gesture.    
  
"Do you still want to die, Marco?" Kaidan asked quietly, trying to keep his voice as calm and open as possible.  He wanted to make sure that Shepard knew that he wasn't horrified or troubled by what he'd just told him.  Even if the answer were "yes," he wouldn't judge or think any less of him.  Besides, he understood all too well...  
  
Shepard didn't even have to consider the question or sort through his emotions before he could deliver an honest answer. "No," he whispered, eyes sliding closed and his expression relaxing ever so slightly at Kaidan's touch. The tears were still cutting tracks down his face, but he was at peace – with himself, his emotions, and everything he needed to say – and that was all that mattered. "I never realized that there was still a chance for me to find something – some _one_ worth living for."  
  
His eyes opened again and he held Kaidan's gaze, unwavering. "You did that for me, Kaidan."  
  
Kaidan's breath hitched in his throat.  Of all the answers that he'd have expected Shepard to give him, this obviously wasn't one of them.  It was a bit overwhelming, and he found himself fighting back tears of his own.  "Is that why you came back?" he asked in a small voice, feeling as if his whole world was shifting somehow.  
  
It was a silly question – for all he knew, Shepard had lost contact with reality at the beginning of the thresher maw's attack, and had been unaware of anything else until he'd awakened a few moments ago.  But he remembered that there had been a point before his heart had stopped beating where Kaidan had gotten the distinct feeling that Shepard had been giving up, somehow…  And it would have been so easy for him to simply slip away and get what he'd been wishing for so long.  But he was still here, with him.  
  
A weak laugh escaped Shepard's throat. "You're probably going to think I'm crazy, but… after I went catatonic, when the hallucinations stopped, I saw Toombs. He sat with me, watching while you… while you tried to bring me back to life," he said, faltering for a moment as the memory came back. In hindsight it seemed sort of silly, like a strange, surreal dream. Had he actually watched Kaidan trying to resuscitate him? Or was he just hallucinating? The fact that Toombs had been there made him second-guess the validity of what he had seen. "Maybe it was all just a dream, but he spoke with me and he made me think about what I was doing. I really do think that everything could have very easily ended at that point if I had just let go. But… but I couldn't. Not when I realized…"  
  
He trailed off for a moment, before he took a deep breath and reached up, running a soothing hand down the back of Kaidan's neck and gripping it softly as their foreheads remained touching. "Not when I realized that I'd be leaving you behind. And maybe it was just a dream, but even then… I remember you saying that if I died, you wouldn't even try to save yourself." Tears pricked his eyes again and he blinked them back, his voice growing heavy with effort. "You brought me back, Kaidan, and you're the reason I want to stay."  
  
If it had all been a dream, it appeared that Shepard's brain had still maintained enough awareness to hear him, and integrate his actual words into it.  Or maybe whatever the Commander had experienced after his heart had stopped had been real.  The thought that the ones they had lost still continued to watch over them beyond life, and would come to them in their hours of need was comforting.  And Kaidan was more than willing to let himself believe it, especially given their present situation.  
  
Shepard had come back for him. Not only that, but he now wanted to live to… remain by his side?  Was that what he was really saying?  Even if the other man wasn't physically attracted to him, or even interested in him romantically; the knowledge that he cared enough to choose to stay with him was…  There were no words for what he was feeling.  It was deeply humbling, and exciting, and a bit scary, even, but in a good way.  
  
"I couldn't let you go," Kaidan spoke quietly, trying to deal with all the emotions that were now assaulting him, and letting Shepard know that some of the things he remembered were definitely not part of his imagination.  "I'd just gotten you back, and I just…  I couldn't…" He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to control the trembling in his voice and push aside the memory of the panic and despair he'd felt when he had thought that Shepard was gone.  
  
"I'd rather have followed you to wherever you were going, than to stay here, alone…  Watching over your body as I waited for help to arrive. My coping abilities only go that far," he admitted sincerely.  After what Shepard had just shared with him, he didn't want to give him the wrong idea, though.  
  
"I'm sorry.  I don't want to die, Marco," he said, wanting to make it clear that he didn't have to worry about him ever giving up, at least not under normal circumstances, and especially not as long as he was here.  "But I'm not afraid to.  I haven't been since…"  
  
He sighed heavily.  He hadn't told anyone about the darker thoughts he'd had during the five years that it had taken for him to recover from everything that had happened at BAaT.  And "recover" was a big word.  A person would learn to accept, move on, and let themselves believe that they were stronger for it – and in many ways, it was true.  But that type of strength came with a price, and part of them would forever remain marked by such events.  
  
"After what happened at Brain Camp, I felt pretty damn lost," he said, allowing himself to reconnect with the memories.  It was obviously easier for him to openly talk about them, since he'd long made peace with the feelings he'd had back then, but it still felt weird to say it out loud.  He guessed that the only reason why he was able to do so was because he trusted Shepard, wholeheartedly.  
  
"I didn't really know who I was anymore.  I'd lost Rahna, and pretty much all of the friends I had were gone.  I had these terrifying powers, and was petrified that I could end up hurting or even killing someone with them… maybe even my family.  Although my father and the Alliance had almost immediately stepped in to protect me, there were still talks about the turian Hierarchy pushing and insisting to bring the one responsible for Vyrnnus' death to justice.  Until they finally gathered enough testimonies from the other kids to prove that I had acted in self-defense, and that our teacher had been responsible for the deaths of some of the students, that is," Kaidan explained, remembering how uncertain the future had seemed to him at that point.  
  
"And, of course, the migraines weren't making it any easier." Though it was still much better than the complications that most of the L2s suffered from, it had still taken him some getting used to.  "After a while, I guess I came to the conclusion that it would make everyone's life easier if I wasn't around anymore.  My family would be safe, and not forced to look after a broken, completely messed up kid; the Alliance's whole dilemma with the turians would be solved; and I would stop hurting so much."  
  
He took a deep breath, looking down while his voice became a bit quieter.  "So I made plans, tried to find a way to take my own life that would hopefully look like a complete accident." Thankfully, that had proven to be quite a bit of a challenge.  "But every time I did come up with a plan that just _might_ work, all I kept thinking about was how devastated my parents would be to lose their only son.  And no matter how strongly I wanted the pain and everything else to end, I just couldn't bring myself to put them through that."  
  
He risked looking back up to stare into Shepard's eyes again.  "I guess that once someone reaches a point in his life where the thought of dying becomes such a strong comfort, death can no longer be something to fear.  But it's no longer something I desire, either.  Especially not when I have you by my side," he added, letting Shepard know that he would always be willing to fight to live for him, too.  
  
Shepard wasn't sure at what point he began threading his fingers through Kaidan's hair, moving the hand that was against the back of his neck upwards so he could gently stroke his hair. It was the closest thing to comfort he knew, as he sat in silence and waited for Kaidan to finish his story, offering him silent understanding and encouragement. He could feel his chest tightening, his heart aching as he realized just how much he and Kaidan had in common – they'd both faced loss and the overwhelming feeling of weakness and helplessness as a result, succumbing to dark thoughts and the idea of suicide to bring about the peace that had eluded them.  
  
The main difference was that Kaidan had been strong enough to overcome those thoughts and to become a stronger person because of it. Shepard hadn't been that strong; his cowardice had simply taken on a new form, putting on the visage of false strength. And Kaidan had had something tangible that had prevented him from going through with his plans – he'd had his parents as an anchor, stabilizing him and holding him back from simply letting go and letting the current take him away. Shepard _had_ let go, and for the briefest moment in time he was at peace as he lay there on his bed and waited for the overdose to kick in and pull him under for good.  
  
Waking up to face an empty room had been one of the most painful things he had ever experienced. He had expected to see his mother, his father, his brother and sister, his unit from Akuze. Instead his eyes had opened to see the same blank ceiling he'd fallen asleep staring at. At first he had assumed that this was his own personal Hell, that his weakness had trapped him in this room – but then his omnitool had gone off and he had seen the reminder on his calendar that he had a meeting with his therapist in two hours.  
  
"Kaidan, do you remember that time I said that I admired you because you had turned your losses into strength, and chosen to do good things despite the pain you had been through?" Shepard asked, voice halting – he could only ignore the cold for so long, and he was shaking all over again. It was difficult enough keeping his voice steady as it was. "I meant that, and I still do. It takes more strength than most are even capable of to be able to overcome their pain and consider how their death might affect those that care about them. And you realized this when you were just a kid. I was an adult and the only thing I could see was all of the pain I had been through, and how much I wanted it to go away. And I've felt that way for the past six years."  
  
He took another deep breath, shuddering with cold and unrestrained emotion. "I can't help but envy you. But I feel like you've made me so much stronger, knowing that I have something to hold onto. And… I have to thank you for that."  
  
Kaidan smiled back at him, lifting his head a little to plant a soft kiss on his forehead; only to find himself blushing as he realized what he had just done.  It was something that his parents often did to comfort him, and he'd just purely reacted on instinct.  Given the circumstances, it was hard to keep the same level of reserve he usually had, and not simply act upon his impulses. It didn't seem to bother Shepard, however, as his eyes had drifted closed and a soft, somewhat content look had crossed his expression at the contact.  
  
"I'm here for you, Marco.  Whatever you need," he said a bit shyly, tightening the embrace and going to rest his head against his shoulder.  He noticed that Shepard's body was quivering all over again.  The heat packs had cooled down by now, and though their body temperature was probably comparable, since he had gone from nearly frozen to barely warm, his discomfort was probably greater, and his body was using more energy to keep his core temperature from dropping back, also.  
  
Kaidan reached behind him to grab one of the three remaining self-heating packs and opened the envelope, bringing it momentarily to the back of Shepard's neck, holding it in place until the shaking subsided; before taking it and bringing it between their chests, so that they could both benefit from the heat.  
  
"There's two more," he said, hoping that it would be enough to help them hold on until help arrived.  "So you tell me if the cold starts becoming too uncomfortable again, alright?"  He then remembered about something else that he'd completely forgotten about.  "Oh, and I've also got these," he said, reaching behind him again and taking two of the energy bars, showing them to Shepard.  
  
"I bet they taste horrible, and quite frankly, I'm not sure I want to check the expiration date…" he said with a little grimace.  He could only hope that the people in charge of checking the supplies in the first aid survival packs were thorough with their verifications.  "…But it should still be better than nothing."  
  
Shepard gave a weak laugh, taking one of the energy bars and turning it over in his hand so he could read the label – it was a generic protein bar, not much different than the ones the Normandy had stocked in the mess. He laid it back down again. "Let's save these for if things start to look grim," he joked, smiling a bit. He relaxed in Kaidan's embrace again, breathing out a soft sigh – the heating pack had quelled the trembling for now. He could feel his body slackening, his breathing slowing as that familiar haze began creeping around the edges of his mind. He needed to keep talking if he didn't want to get tired. He scrambled for a topic, grasping the first thing that came to mind. "Tell me about your family?"  
  
"My family?" Kaidan asked, a bit surprised by the question.  Though he supposed that after what he'd just told him, it was normal that Shepard might want to know more.  "Well, I already told you that my dad served in the Alliance, and that we have my mom to thank for the fact that our protein shakes don't 'taste like ass' anymore," he said with a little smirk, reusing Shepard's rather colorful expression.  "She's uh, pretty thrilled you like it, by the way." That earned a soft laugh from the other man.  
  
"Otherwise, I guess they're pretty regular folks," he added with a shrug.  "Dad was there in the very beginning of the Alliance.  He helped with the colonization of Terra Nova, but ended up retiring shortly after they opened Arcturus Station," he began, thinking that he might as well share a bit of his service history.  
  
"He considered coming out of retirement to help with the war effort after First Contact, but my mom convinced him not to.  I was only six by then, and with my biotic abilities having manifested about a year prior to that, there was still a lot of uncertainties regarding how my powers were likely to evolve, or what the risks associated with them were," he explained, remembering that his mother had once told him how scared they had been that he would end up suffering from more complications, or even dying.  Especially considering the number of children that had developed brain tumors as a result of in-utero eezo exposures.  
  
"I mean, they had already come to terms with the fact that I'd most likely always be a bit 'different.' But if something ever went wrong, mom just didn't think that she would have had the strength to face it on her own, especially while having to worry about her husband never making it back to us safely.  So dad chose to stay, at least until they would know for sure what was happening to me, or the conflict with the turians threatened to break into a full scale war implying all of humanity."  Thinking back, he was pretty grateful that his father had chosen to give priority to his family.  It might have been selfish, but he knew that it was one of the many reasons why he'd had the opportunity to grow up in a stable and loving environment, at least.  
  
"I guess I owe them a lot…  They tried to make sure that I would be given the same opportunities as the other kids, and made great efforts not to overprotect me," he said, obviously grateful that they had handled the situation so well.  "They've always respected my decisions, and let me choose my own path…  Though I would be lying if I said that my father wasn't pleased that I ended up following in his footsteps, so to speak," he added with a little smile.  
  
"We're still close, but not overly so," he clarified, not wanting to sound like they were involved in every aspect of his life.  They were his parents, after all, and as such they still maintained some solid and healthy boundaries between them - something for which he was also very grateful.  "I know that sometimes they worry about me, especially considering the risks associated with the job.  But as long as they know that I'm happy and doing what I want with my life, they are willing to respect that."  
  
He smiled fondly.  "I think they would like you…" he said, then laughed a bit "…actually, knowing mom, she might be tempted to try to adopt you if you aren't careful enough.  I think she mentioned something about wanting to send us both sweaters in her last e-mail…  Something that we could both really use right about now," he mentioned, before suddenly blushing a bit as he realized that he'd just revealed that he was talking about him to his mom in his e-mails.   _Ah, great._   Shepard would probably think he was a complete dork now, if that wasn't already the case.  
  
Shepard couldn't keep from laughing. "I'd love to meet them. They sound like good people," he said with a soft smile, but a moment passed and he faltered, expression turning sad. "I can tell they really cared about you. You're a very lucky man, Kaidan."  
  
"Yeah, I am…" Kaidan trailed off a bit, looking at the young man in his arms with a pensive look.  No matter how terrible things got sometimes, it seemed that he always ended up being "lucky," making the most out of any situation.  His mother got exposed to element zero while pregnant, and he ended up with strong biotic abilities instead of terminal brain cancer.  He was among the first human children to become biotics, and his parents still responded appropriately to the situation despite all of the uncertainties.  He got incessantly picked on and abused by Vyrnnus at Brain Camp, but his powers were strong enough to allow him to hold his own against him.  He got pretty messed up after what happened at BAaT, but he was offered the necessary support and resources to pull through.  Despite being an L2, he only got strong migraines out of it…  
  
"Lucky" pretty much seemed to _define_ him, come to think of it.  Even now, he felt pretty damn lucky that he had managed to defeat a thresher maw on his very first encounter with such a creature.  Lucky that he'd managed to make it in time to the cave before it became too late to revive Shepard.  Lucky that he got to hold the man he loved in his arms, at least, and to be given the opportunity to get to know him better.  
  
And even if the rescue team didn't manage to find them in time… he still felt lucky that, in the end, neither of them would be dying alone out here.  Lucky that Shepard had come back to him long enough to be given the chance to share these few precious and oddly wonderful moments with him.  Of course, he was still planning to fight with all he had left in the hopes that both of them would pull through, as he was far from ready to give up yet.  But whatever ended up happening to them, he still felt "lucky." And sometimes, that was enough.  
  
"Maybe I could bring you to see them during one of our next shore leaves," he suggested, before realizing that he just might have gotten himself into trouble.  While he had no doubt that his parents would be thrilled to see their son bring a friend with him on one of his next visits – especially if said "friend" was Commander Shepard, and _especially_ since it would be the first time that he would be bringing any friend to visit in over fifteen years – his mother was an incredibly observant woman.  There was no way that he'd be able to hide his true feelings towards Shepard from her, even if he were able to hide them from Shepard himself.  
  
Though there was a high probability that it was Shepard who would be introducing Kaidan to his own family first if they weren't rescued in time.  "What was your family like?" he found himself asking without really thinking about it.  "I mean, only if you feel comfortable talking about it…" he quickly added, feeling a bit embarrassed to have brought up the subject in such a casual manner.  God, he could be such an idiot sometimes!  
  
Shepard's expression faltered and he looked away, not answering at first. A tense silence fell between the two and Kaidan nearly retracted his question before Shepard suddenly answered, his voice barely audible. "They were amazing people that I wished I never took for granted," he said, eyes closing. He breathed out slowly, before inhaling to steady himself.  
  
"There were five of us," he explained, still not opening his eyes – he almost appeared to be deep in thought, like he was trying to recall the memories. He'd simultaneously pushed all of his memories of his family into the back of his mind and nearly forgotten what their faces looked like, or what their voices sounded like. It had been thirteen years since he'd woken in an Alliance med bay only to be told by an uncomfortable soldier that the bodies of his family had been found and were being taken care of. "Mom, dad, my older brother Samuel, and my little sister Alicia."  
  
His eyes opened, but there was still a faraway look to his expression as he spoke. "We were just homesteaders. We had a little farm, a small house. Dad was a strong man, taking care of the farm and working at one of the settlement's factories. He was tired a lot, but he always pretended like he wasn't when he was around us. Mom was a factory worker too, but her true passion was painting. She had a beautiful voice, too. She used to sing us to sleep when we were younger. She was stubborn and she always kept us in line when dad was too soft on us."  
  
He took another deep breath, trying to keep himself steady lest he start trembling all over again – and not necessarily from the cold. "Sam was only a year older than me, so we fought a lot. He was a computer lover – always knew how to fix the tech around the house when it broke. He'd signed up to join the Alliance right before the attack," he said, expression tightening for a moment. "Scared the hell out of my mom. Dad didn't know what to think. The Alliance wasn't very popular out in the colonies, even then."  
  
He had to pause for a long moment before he could continue. "Allie was nearly six years younger than me. She was such a terror, but I loved her. We caused all sorts of problems together," he said, laughing slightly as a wistful look crossed his face. "Our favorite thing to do was play pranks on Sam. He was so serious that it was always an accomplishment if we could get him to laugh at himself."  
  
His expression faltered again and he bit his lower lip for a moment before he inhaled steadily. "Dad died giving us all time to escape when the batarians kicked down our front door. Mom stopped to hold them back while we jumped out the back window. I didn't even see her die, but I heard her," he whispered, voice going hoarse. "Sam was shot while we were running. Allie couldn't run fast enough, so I carried her."  
  
He suddenly took hold of one of Kaidan's hands, guiding it so his fingers lay over a large scar on his ribcage on the left side. "They shot me four times – a shotgun, close range directly into my back. Only one of the slugs was a through-and-through. This one," he said in a barely audible whisper, before letting go of Kaidan's hand. "It passed through and hit Allie. I survived four bullets to the back, and the one that passed through me, killed her."

 

While it was comforting to learn that Shepard had spent his childhood and teenaged years living happily with a loving family, it only made the story of their deaths all the more heartbreaking.  And it was impossible for Kaidan not to feel strongly for him.  He had to fight back the anger at the unfairness of the whole situation, the tears that were threatening to fall as he realized just how much pain Shepard must have had to endure following these events – both physically and mentally.  
  
If he'd thought earlier that certain things seemed to happen for a reason, it was suddenly very difficult for him to understand what reason there could ever be for such senseless loss.  What could ever justify a group of angry batarians kicking down the front door of the home of a peaceful workers' family, and gunning down every living soul inside of it, including the children?  How could anyone explain why a seventeen year old boy had been forced to watch and feel his beloved little sister die in his arms, powerless to prevent any of it from happening?  
  
His survival had been nothing short of a miracle, especially considering the severity of the wounds he had sustained. Kaidan could easily conceive that for Shepard himself, it might have felt like something of a betrayal or punishment, rather than anything else.  He was impressed that he had found the will to go on at all.  
  
"And you say that _I_ am the strong one…" Kaidan whispered hoarsely, running the back of his hand gently against Shepard's cheek, voice filled with wonder.  
  
It was sometimes hard to admit it to himself, but Kaidan knew that one of his greatest fears was to be rejected or abandoned by those closest to him – to the point where it had become difficult for him to let himself build close emotional relationship with others.  The fact that Marco Shepard had penetrated his defenses so easily had been surprising…  And the prospect of losing him had almost made him give up on his will to survive not so long ago.  
  
But Shepard…  Shepard had been left behind by his whole family under violent and horrific circumstances; and yet, he was still here.  His body had refused to ever give up even if at times, his mind had.  
  
And Kaidan knew that he would never be able to replace what the other man had lost; but he realized that he didn't have or even want to.  What he wanted was to give Shepard something different and new to look forward to.  So that hopefully, in time, the pain associated with his losses would fade, and he would be left with the happier memories of the good times that he had shared with his family instead.  Help him move on, by offering him something tangible to move on to.  
  
Those memories would become something to be cherished, instead of something to be haunted by.  And though the pain would never entirely go away, and it probably shouldn't; looking at Shepard now, he also knew that pain wasn't the only legacy that his family had left him with.  
  
"If only you could see yourself the way I see you," Kaidan said softly, not even bothering to hide the look of pure love and adoration in his eyes.  "You would never feel the need to call yourself a coward, or believe you're pretending to be any stronger than you really are, Marco."  
  
He took a deep breath. Although Shepard had let go of the hand that was resting against the scar on his side, Kaidan let it linger there, delicately running his fingers across it, keeping his touch feather-like.  
  
"You are good, and strong, and kind, and caring…  And there's a fire in you that shines brighter than anything I've ever seen," he added, vaguely aware that he was being a little more uninhibited than usual, but also past the point where it could have bothered him anymore.  Whether it was because he was tired, or cold, or both; the words just kept flowing out of him, and he just let them.  
  
"And that fire is not something that can be taken, or stolen, or ever extinguished, you know.  It's simply who you _are_.  And it's got nothing to do with other people's expectations of you, your reputation, or even your choices and actions," he explained, wondering if he was still making any sense at all.  
  
"But it's what I, and so many others see when they look at you…  What inspires the respect, loyalty, and sometimes, even the affection of your crew," he added with a gentle smile.  
  
"And if your family is still watching over you – and I like to believe that they are – I know that they are probably immensely proud of the wonderful man that you have become," he said sincerely, never having been surer of anything else.  "No matter how many times you may have fallen or stumbled, or even given up…  You are still _you_ , Marco.  And that's what I lo – _like_ about you."   _Among so many other things_.  It was funny how your body could suddenly feel so hot and so cold at the same time.  
  
Shepard's breath hitched in his throat and he had to close his eyes, feeling that still unfamiliar burn of tears returning. He'd never felt so exposed in his entire life, but somehow, it didn't bother him. It didn't bother him that Kaidan was the first person he'd ever allowed this close to him, both physically and emotionally, and it didn't bother him that Kaidan could so easily crack him open like a brittle eggshell and see all of his flaws and emotions and just _him_. It was simultaneously frightening and liberating to know that he wasn't alone and that he'd finally found someone he could just break apart in front of, leaving his façade in pieces on the floor. Realizing that allowing someone inside of those walls wasn't admitting or sharing weakness – it was a mark of strength and of trust, knowing that he could share the things he'd kept hidden for so long without fear of reproach or judgment.  
  
And the fact that it was mutual, that Kaidan felt the same way – that he trusted Shepard with his secrets and his fears and his everything – that was the most overwhelming feeling in the world. In the twenty-nine years he'd been alive, he'd never felt a connection like this before, strong enough to make his chest hurt and his gut twist and his eyes burn with tears. Strong enough that he wanted more than anything to just wrap his arms around Kaidan and pull him in, lips and bodies meeting until they didn't know nor care who was who anymore. Skin to skin, mind to mind, emotions melding into one. He vaguely wondered if this was how asari felt about their mates, but the rest of him didn't care.  
  
And despite the overwhelming cacophony of emotions boiling just beneath the surface of his skin, he managed to hold enough control over himself to remember where they were, their chances of survival, and the repercussions of his emotions. It was this horrible, disappointing feeling, reminding himself of the regulations and the consequences, of the very words he had told Kaidan during one of their prior conversations.  
  
 _'I respect my crew far too much to put them through something like that.'_  
  
That was what it came down to, wasn't it? He respected – no, _loved_ , because there was no point in even trying to deny it at this point – Kaidan far too much to even consider putting him through that. The repercussions would be severe, and he wouldn't be able to live with himself knowing that he'd put Kaidan through any kind of pain because of his feelings for him.  
  
He opened his eyes after a long moment of trying to steady himself, forcing on a straight face as he did so. "Thank you, Kaidan," he whispered, "You have no idea how much that means to me."  
  
Kaidan nodded with a soft smile, and snuggled a bit closer, resting his cheek against Shepard's shoulder.  He tried not to get himself _too_ comfortable though, purposely keeping his eyes opened and lazily running his hand up and down the other man's back to avoid falling asleep.  The little dimples on Shepard's lower back were kind of sexy…   _'Aaand it's time to bring that hand back up,'_ he thought, a bit amused at himself.    
  
He probably should've been ashamed, but it was kind of hard to feel bad for developing those sorts of feelings when he was pressed so close to such a gorgeous and athletic body.  Never mind that said body happened to belong to the man he loved, too.  So really, who could blame him for being just a wee bit (okay, _a lot_ ) attracted?  It was actually a rather nice reminder that he was still fully alive, and perfectly responsive to his surroundings, so to speak.  Well, as long as he still maintained enough self-control not to start acting on his impulses.  The last thing he wanted was to openly take advantage of Shepard and their current situation.  
  
He was starting to feel a bit dizzy and nauseous, too.  And he knew that had nothing to do with Shepard's presence.  "You know, I think I'm going to have one of those energy bars now…  I believe my blood sugar might be getting a bit low," he said, reaching for one of them and removing the paper before taking a bite.  Despite the dubious taste, he let out a contented sight, not having realized how really hungry he had been until then.  
  
"Turns out that a good biotic reave works pretty well against a maw, but those things have _huge_ nervous systems," he explained, feeling a bit silly for having waited so long before taking anything.  Old habits, perhaps…  His early training days had taught him to push himself pretty far, after all; sometimes beyond his personal limits.  Even to this day, it was easier for him to simply follow the meals schedule instead of trying to get a feel for what his body's actual needs were.  "It might have been slightly more draining than I thought."  
  
A shocked look crossed Shepard's face at that. "You _reaved_ the maw to death? Jesus Christ, Kaidan. That's… actually incredibly badass," he said, breaking off with a slight laugh, shaking his head in disbelief. "I'm kind of mad I didn't get to see it. Sounds like something you'd see in a Blasto movie."  
  
He was honestly glad that Kaidan had stopped stroking his back in order to grab the energy bar, though he tried his best not to show it. It wasn't that he wasn't enjoying it; on the contrary, he was enjoying it far too much. And if he was going to even try to stick to regulation, he couldn't be giving in to his impulses like a horny teenager. No matter how attractive and caring and wonderful Kaidan was, and no matter how obvious it was that he felt the same way about him.  
  
It was all he could do not to curse out loud. This _sucked_.   
  
Kaidan laughed back.  "Yeah, well I'm afraid 'this one' can't fight as gracefully, or with as many limbs," he said, recalling some of the over-the-top action sequences of those movies. Blasto always made those things look so ridiculously easy when real soldiers knew by experience that they were anything but.  
  
"The Mako's guns and cannon actually did most of the job, and thankfully for us, the vehicle pretty much absorbed all of the damage, too...  We may need to request a new one from the Alliance, though," he clarified, not wanting to make it sound like he had some crazy superpowers or anything either.  He supposed that it was a good thing that the Alliance had a few more bases on Gellix; maybe they had another M35 to spare.  
  
"It was mostly one of those typical horror film moments where you think that the monster is dead, and it suddenly springs back to life," he said with a little shrug.  "So I spun around and reacted with a reave.  Might have held on a little longer than necessary to make sure it was really dead this time, too."  
  
"Either way, that's still pretty damn amazing," Shepard said with a soft smile, unable to hide his amusement at just how nonchalant Kaidan was about the whole ordeal. It was all he could do to hide his embarrassment, though. "I go into shock and leave you to fight a maw on your own, and you still got the job done. I'm just sorry that it happened that way."   
  
"And here I thought we'd already been over this," Kaidan said, shaking his head a little, though his voice sounded more warm than irritated.  "It's okay, _really_.  The maw is dead and we're here together," he pointed out, thinking that as far as he was concerned, that was truly all that mattered.  "Besides, I'm not sure that I would have been able to take it if you'd tried to go charging into that thing," he said with a little shudder.  "Not having to scan the battlefield for large comet tails was a nice change of pace," he teased, though he couldn't help but think that the visual effect of a biotic charge was actually quite pretty.  
  
Shepard rolled his eyes. "You couldn't pay me enough to charge one of those things," he said, unable to keep from laughing nervously. "If I'm pulling a charge, it's _away_ from the gigantic worm that wants to eat me." He grinned a bit, expression turning somewhat devious. "In fact, I probably would've thrown you over my shoulder and charged the hell out of there. I freak you out enough with my powers as it is; imagine witnessing them firsthand."  
  
Kaidan laughed. "Oh, God… Though I suppose that you'd have to be able to lift me up first," he said with a playful smile, letting him know that he was only toying with him.  But then again, he couldn't help but consider it.  "You know what, though…  I think I'd really like that."    
  
Though he wasn't exactly the kind of person that tended to take unnecessary risks, be it in sports or on the battlefield, Kaidan had always enjoyed thrill rides and other types of activities that got the adrenaline pumping. As long as things remained relatively safe and under control, that was definitely the kind of thing that he'd be willing and especially curious to try.    
  
"Do you really think that you would be able to do that?" he asked, eyes sparkling with sudden interest.  "I've never been able to understand how you can manage to use dark energy to propel yourself in such a way…  It just looks incredibly cool!"  If Shepard thought that he could manage to pull it off without risking injury to either of them, Kaidan knew that he really _had_ to try it.  The Commander didn't know it, but it was exactly the kind of thing that he would just keep nagging him about until he gave in.  
  
Shepard stared at him in disbelief for a moment, before breaking into a fit of laughter. "Are you asking if you can _ride me_ , Lieutenant?" he asked, putting on an affronted tone and fanning himself with his free hand. "I must say that's a bit of a bold request."  
  
He couldn't help but break into another grin, shaking his head in exasperation. "As much as I'd love to be your biotic freight train, Kaidan, I don't know what would happen if we tried it. I'd hate to accidentally splatter you on a wall or something." A thoughtful look seemed to cross his face at that, however, and he frowned slightly. "I mean, maybe you could put up a barrier… Tell you what – if we end up in a situation where we have to book it and there aren't any witnesses, we'll do it. Fair enough?"  
  
"Or, you know…" Kaidan began, unable to keep from feeling a bit bashful now that Shepard had asked him if he wanted to _ride_ him.  Well, that _was_ kind of what he'd asked, hadn't he?  Or, more precisely, he was curious to find out what it would feel like to ride the currents of dark energy _with_ him.  Just not…  Okay, now he was having trouble keeping his mind on track!  
  
"We do have a few beautiful and very quiet lakes back in B.C…  If you get there early in the morning, there's usually no one around.  And, of course, no wall to accidentally splatter myself on either."  That would definitely be a huge plus.  "I suppose that if you were to charge from the shore to a given point farther in the water, the only thing that we would risk is getting wet."  
  
"So, maybe during one of our next shore leaves…  I don't know…" Great, now he was making it sound like he was asking him on a date or something.  "I could also lift and throw you in the water a few times too, if you'd like.  I can, uh… lift pretty high and maintain it for a fair amount of time. Would be just like flying," he offered, not wanting Shepard to think that he was just thinking about taking advantage of his powers without giving anything in return.  
  
 _'Wait…'_ Was he really suggesting that they use their biotic abilities to just play in a lake and have fun together?  Maybe Marco Shepard was really starting to make him loosen up a bit after all…  
  
Shepard actually looked genuinely interested at that idea, however. "That actually sounds like it'd be a blast," he said with a soft grin. "When we finish this mission and the galaxy doesn't need us for a few days, let's do it."  
  
"One more reason to make sure that the mission succeeds, then," Kaidan said, grinning back, finding the thought rather amusing.  For some reason, he could picture an annoying interviewer asking what the great Commander Shepard, first human Spectre, was fighting for…  And Shepard giving an answer along the lines of: _"Oh, I just want to go vacationing with a friend at a lake in B.C."_  
  
Of course, in reality, the Commander would probably find something great and inspiring to say…  He always did.  But most soldiers knew that when their lives were on the line, the fate of the galaxy or the advancement of mankind wasn't usually the first thing that popped into mind, or gave them the strength they needed to get things done.  The reality of it was far less glamorous.  
  
You usually thought about the safety of your friends, your family, your squad…  About that cool jacket that you wanted to buy on one of your next shore leaves…  Or about some other personal project that you still wished you'd be given the time to fulfill when you got back home.  It was much easier to latch onto smaller and familiar things, and seek personal connections than to fight purely for an ideal.  
  
And it was definitely nice to have more to look forward to than war and death.  "You know, being part of the Alliance is great and it does feel like home most of the time," Kaidan said, realizing that he'd pretty much devoted his whole life to his career over the last ten years.  "But I guess I should start trying to develop other interests too, or else I just won't know what to do with myself when I eventually decide to retire."  
  
Shepard sighed, eyes closing for a moment. "You and me both. I'm probably never going to retire, if only because I don't have anywhere to go," he said in a soft voice, before his eyes opened again, expression turning sad for a moment. "You know, I never took extended leave when it came up. I'd just ask for a transfer to another ship. I've been hopping from ship to ship for so long… I've never even had a place to stay. After Akuze, when they put me on mandatory leave, they had to scramble to find me an apartment in New York. And I only stayed there for maybe seven months before I went back into active duty. Then they submitted me for N7 training, and well… here I am. I imagine I can retire when I find a place I belong."  
  
"Well, I'm not suggesting that either of us retire any time soon," Kaidan pointed out.  "Especially not when you just got this new exciting Spectre position…  And I managed to make it on your team."  Career wise, Kaidan felt like they were at a pretty great place right now, one where they had the power and resources to truly make a difference.  And that wasn't something that he was looking forward to giving up…  At least, not yet.  
  
What saddened him, though, was the thought that Shepard was apparently staying with the Alliance military mainly because he felt like he had nowhere else to go.  That probably didn't stop him from enjoying his work, however.  And if he wanted to be completely honest with himself, one of the reasons why he had eventually found his own way back to the Alliance was because as a biotic, he had been out of options.  He'd just been lucky that the job really did suit him.  
  
"But if the galaxy is ever done needing saving, or if I become too old or tired for this shit, who knows?" he said with a little shrug.  "I guess meanwhile, it wouldn't hurt to try to strike a balance between work and a few other more mundane things, hobbies and stuff."  If only to avoid burning out by the time they'd reached forty.  
  
"We would have to begin slowly then…  Maybe a few days off here and there…  Perhaps even a week?" he offered with a gentle smile, taking into consideration the fact that Shepard had just told him that the last time he'd taken some time to himself, it was because he had been forced to.  "Oh, and if you're ever looking for a place to stay on Earth, I do have a small apartment in Vancouver."  
  
While his parents had often insisted that he'd always be welcomed in their home, and they didn't mind housing him whenever he needed a place to stay between assignments, Kaidan had still felt the need to get his own place, even if he was virtually never there.  He just needed to know that he had his own territory, a place where he didn't need to report to anyone, and he could just sit back, relax, and not care if his bed was still unmade, or the dirty dishes were still on the table.  
  
"It's in a very quiet neighborhood, and I usually go there whenever I want to take my mind off things.  Just read a book, watch movies, or do some thinking, you know…" he explained, realizing that his life outside the military probably didn't sound all that exciting.  "It's big enough for two, and I think that I trust you enough not to trash the place if you ever needed to spend some time over there on your own," he added with a teasing smile.  
  
A smile worked its way across Shepard's lips at that, and without thinking he gently rested his forehead against Kaidan's shoulder. "I'd love that," he whispered.  
  
The very idea that he actually had somewhere to go, somewhere that he was welcomed… It was enough to make him giddy. It was new, and refreshing, and it felt so _good_. He wasn't used to it, but it was perfect and he liked it – even if things didn't work out, if regulations stood between them, he still felt like there was a permanent connection that had formed between Kaidan and him, and that was all that mattered. Shepard didn't need a home to feel like he belonged – he was perfectly content in Kaidan's arms. As a friend, a lover, or nothing more than a brother-in-arms, he didn't care.  
  
"Then it's settled…" Kaidan said, lightly resting his chin on top of Shepard's head and drawing him closer.  "We get rescued; find a way to stop Saren and his geth; solve pretty much all of the Alliance's problems along the way…" Because he had no doubt that as soon as they were back to the Normandy and fit for duty, Hackett would probably have a bunch of other secondary missions for them.  And, of course, Shepard could never actually say "no." _How did we end up collecting mineral resources again?_   "…Then ask for a joint shore leave; take a few days off to go swimming at a lake in B.C.; make a brief stop at my parent's home for a good home cooked dinner; and finally end up at my apartment for some quiet before heading back to work."  
  
He chuckled a bit. "You know, when I say it that way, it does sound pretty easy."  In truth, they'd probably be lucky to make it out of that cave alive…  Still, it was nice to be able to just make plans as if everything was going to be all right, even if it only ended up giving them hope.  
  
"I think, when this is over, I might go back to Mindoir," Shepard said in a quiet voice, expression concealed by Kaidan's shoulder as he leaned against him. "Just for a little bit. I haven't been there since the attack."  
  
Truth be told he had never even seen where they had buried his family. His injuries had been so severe that he'd been rendered comatose for a few weeks, and by the time he'd woken up, his family had been buried and he was on his way to an Alliance temp facility for biotics. With BAaT shut down and the Ascension Project unheard of, he spent a good part of the next year shuffling from facility to facility, until he was finally old enough to enlist. He'd been so swept up in the thick of things that he'd never bothered to look back.  
  
A very small part of him had always wanted to go back – take a few days of shore leave and catch a transport to the colony, comb the local graveyards for a set of four headstones carved with the name _Shepard_. If only to have the chance to finally say goodbye, once and for all.  
  
But the rest of him didn't want to say goodbye, so thirteen years had gone by and he still didn't know where his family had been buried. Maybe closure was all he had ever needed. Or maybe seeing it would make it true and nothing would get better; it would only get worse, like peeling scabs away to expose the wounds festering beneath. Either way, he tried not to think about it too much.  
  
"Whenever you're ready to head back there, if you want someone to go with you, I'll make sure to be available," Kaidan said. He didn't want Shepard to have to face those feelings on his own, unless that was what he preferred.  In that case, he wouldn't try to impose his presence, but he felt like he needed him to know that the option was there, and that he could count on him.  
  
Shepard sighed softly, warm breath wafting over the bare skin of Kaidan's shoulder. "I'd appreciate that, really. Thank you, Kaidan."  
  
They spent the next few hours talking about everything and nothing while doing their best to keep warm… Old childhood stories, the types of movies they enjoyed watching, tales from some of their earliest missions after they had joined the Alliance.  However, they purposely avoided mentioning how much time had passed, or the fact that the storm was still raging outside, wind howling against the cave mouth.  Kaidan was also starting to have some doubts regarding the distress beacon - what if it had been too damaged to send a clear signal to the people back at the facility?  After all, it wasn't like he'd had the time to inspect it after activating it, especially not without risking getting in contact with the thresher's acid.  He wasn't going to voice his concern, though, not when they were both starting to get dangerously tired, and it was getting harder and harder to maintain their focus.  
  
They had used their last heat pack about three hours ago. Kaidan had hesitated a little before opening it, until Shepard had put his own hands on top of his, giving them a reassuring squeeze while whispering _"It's okay, we'll get through this."_   They had no way of knowing that, of course, but he'd still nodded and offered him an encouraging smile; sharing the need to keep on believing that everything would be fine, if only for a while longer.  
  
That pack was no longer emitting any heat now, and the hypothermia had once again begun to set in a little while ago; their bodies were shivering against each other, their skin becoming unnaturally pale, lips tinged blue.  Eventually the shaking subsided completely, and that was perhaps one of the things that had Kaidan worried the most.  
  
They were only making small talk now, keeping the subjects as simple as possible, Shepard leading most of the conversation since his ability to maintain his concentration was slightly better than his.  He still did his best to keep him actively involved, continuously asking him questions ranging from his favorite color to how many fingers a parrot had.  Anything that came to mind, really, all the while trying to hide his growing concern as Kaidan became more and more hesitant or slow to answer, his speech a bit slurred at times.  
  
He was still doing all he could to hold on, though, stubbornly refusing to go down without a fight.  But all the willpower in the world couldn't stop the profound weariness from settling into his body, and he could feel himself growing weaker despite his resolve.  
  
The fight with the batarians, taking down that thresher maw, the long walk in the snow right in the middle of a blizzard, and the energy that had been required to revive Shepard and keep him safe…  All of it was finally taking its toll, his body having been pushed way past the limits of what it would normally be able to endure.  
  
Even the sound of Shepard's voice, the one thing that, until then, had successfully managed to keep him solidly grounded to reality, was starting to have a strong lulling quality.  
  
"Marco…  I'm sorry…  I…" Kaidan whispered brokenly, feeling all of the muscles in his body go lax against his will, slumping against Shepard as his eyes fluttered closed.   _I wish we'd had more time…_ he thought wistfully, the darkness pressing heavily upon him.  
  
"K…Kaidan, stay… stay with me," Shepard stammered, voice hoarse and cracked – he reached up and tapped his fingers against the side of Kaidan's face, trying to jolt him awake. He had no way of even knowing how hard he was tapping him because his fingers had gone completely numb with cold, but apparently it wasn't hard enough because Kaidan didn't open his eyes.   
  
"C'mon Kaidan… If you go, I go, so you gotta… you gotta stay awake, a-alright?" Shepard pleaded, tapping him a little harder. When he didn't respond, Shepard let out a shaking breath that might have been a sob of frustration, before he slapped him as hard as he could, palm connecting with his cheek – it was weak and pitiful and barely made a sound, and he realized that he didn't even have enough strength left in his body to muster up a hard smack.  
  
He swore out loud, voice broken, as he reached back and buried his fingers in Kaidan's hair and pulled him forward, until their foreheads were touching again. He would've cried if he was capable, but as it stood he was so numb all over it was a wonder he could still move, let alone cry. "I'm sorry Kaidan," he whispered, voice choked with regret.  
  
He leaned forward before he had a chance to talk himself out of it, angling his head until his lips met Kaidan's in a soft kiss. _'I'm so sorry…'_  
  
Kaidan could feel himself being slowly pulled under, while part of him still kept resisting, stubbornly maintaining some minimal awareness of his surroundings.  His whole body felt distant though, as if it was no longer quite his and was refusing to obey his command.  The darkness itself was actually very warm and soothing - welcoming, even - and he knew that if he gave in, he would be safe... that there was nothing for him to fear once he let go…  But he couldn't, not while Shepard still needed him.  
  
He could hear his voice somewhere in the back of his mind, begging him to wake up… asking him to stay. And he wanted so much to tell him that he was trying, to find some way to respond, to let him know that he was still holding on with all that he had, all that he was; and that he was never, _ever_ letting go.  
  
He tried to focus on his senses - sound, touch, smell - anything that could keep the darkness at bay.  A pricking sensation on his cheek…  Cool fingers moving through his hair…  
  
And then, there was something else – something gentle and delicate caressing his lips…  A warm breath, followed by soft, if only slightly chapped skin…    
  
Before his mind even had time to process what was really happening, Kaidan felt a powerful fire originating deep within his lower belly, quickly spreading to the rest of his body.  That fire was tapping into adrenaline reserves that, until moments ago, he never would have guessed were even there; much less known how to access them.  
  
He regained control of his mouth first, lips languidly moving against Shepard's, following the other man's lead, thoughts still somewhat confused and distant as the pressure and pace slowly begun to increase. Tongue tentatively pushing past Shepard's lips, instinctively seeking his. Heart rate picking up, breath quickening, body and limbs becoming part of himself again, mind clearing up and…  
  
 _Oh god. Shepard is kissing me… **Shepard.** Is. Kissing. **Me.**_   The shock of that realization only lasted a fraction of a second as Kaidan's heart immediately soared, and he grabbed the other man in his arms, almost crushing Shepard's body to his as their lips met again in a hungry kiss that was filled with so much love, passion, desire, and perhaps even just a little bit of despair.  
  
As they kissed, Kaidan's hands began to explore the back of Shepard's neck, his muscular shoulders, the smooth curve of his lower back; allowing said hands to reach lower than he had ever dared to allow himself to touch him before.  He pressed his thighs, his hips, his chest, his whole body as close as he could to Shepard's, almost trying to melt into him, wishing to let this man know and _feel_ just how much he loved and needed him.  To finally say with his lips, body and touch everything that, until then, he hadn't had the courage to express with words.  
  
If part of him knew that this was just a temporary reprieve… that sooner or later, the darkness would once again catch up to them; he decided that, in that moment, he no longer cared. He would gladly kiss Shepard from this life into the next without any regrets; as he could feel that neither of them had any intention to ever let the other go.  As long as they remained together, no matter what would happen, deep down, he knew that everything would be okay.  
  
Shepard was almost startled by the ferocity of Kaidan's reaction, but as it stood, he could barely muster up the energy to be surprised. He had just enough for _this_ , for _now_ , and that was all he cared about. Kaidan was alive, he was awake, he was responsive – so responsive that it left Shepard breathless, feeling his hands roaming over his body, calloused fingertips and palms brushing over skin left untouched, and— _Good lord, he's a good kisser_.  
  
He wanted to stay like this forever, bodies entwined together in perfect form, lips pressed together, tongues twining, hands running through hair, across skin, anywhere they dared to go, _regulations be damned_. The very last thing on his mind was regulation. He loved Kaidan, he loved the way Kaidan made him feel, physically and emotionally and _everything_ and he wasn't going to let a fucking rulebook get in the way of that.  
  
That revelation was enough to shake him to the core but he refused to give it pause, only stopping their contact for the sake of oxygen, gasping for breath, lungs aching with effort and cold air, before they pushed together once more. Even if they died tonight… this was what he wanted.  
  
But he didn't want to die tonight. Not when he'd found this, when he'd found _Kaidan_ , the only person capable of breaking down all of his defenses and yet still made him feel so incredibly strong, so capable of anything and everything. The only person to see all of him, inside and throughout, and love him regardless of the person he really was, the person he'd spent so long trying to hide away. He'd never felt like this before but he knew it was something unique, something so very important, and something he would likely never feel again if he let it slip away.  
  
He very nearly would have let it, and that was probably the revelation that hurt the most. They needed to live, to make it out there, if only to avoid losing what they'd only just found. What _he'd_ only just found.  
  
"Glad to see you two found a good way to keep warm."  
  
Kaidan's eyes immediately went wide with shock as he stared back at Shepard, unmoving, lips still lightly resting against his.  Judging by the very surprised, off-guard expression being returned to him, he quickly figured that the voice he'd just heard hadn't been a figment of his imagination.  Which meant…  
  
"Oh god," he whispered, mortified, as he slowly turned his head to the side to see Ashley kneeling there, looking over them both with an amused, if perhaps slightly too pleased with herself smile on her face.  
  
"It's okay.  Don't ask, don't tell," she quickly said, raising both hands in a mock _"I surrender"_ gesture.  "Besides, it's pretty dark in here…  I think my eyes still need some more time to adjust," she added with a wink, before activating the omnitool on her wrist and waving it over the both of them.  
  
Kaidan finally allowed himself to relax, rolling a bit on his back and pulling Shepard close against his chest.  He was still embarrassed from having been caught making out with his Commander like some horny teenager – by a soldier technically under his command, no less – but, at the same time, he was beyond relieved that they'd finally been found.  For the first time in the last few hours, the words _"we're going to be fine"_ meant more to him than some vague expression of hope.  
  
Shepard, on the other hand, wished more than anything he could just melt through the ground and disappear right then and there. He wasn't sure which was worse – the idea that they were hallucinating and his mind had decided to conjure up the most humiliating scenario in his final moments, or that Ashley had indeed shown up out of the blue to rescue their frozen asses from certain death, and had the great luck of showing up right when they were in the middle of a heated make-out session. It was one thing to be found half naked in an embrace with another soldier in a similar state of undress – that had been a necessary evil to keep themselves alive. Awkward, but necessary, and easily explainable regardless of how both parties felt towards one another.  
  
He was far too embarrassed to even think about the ramifications of having been seen kissing a subordinate. Not that he expected Ashley to get her fatigues in a wad and report the both of them for some reason or another. He trusted her well enough that he knew she wouldn't subject them to that kind of embarrassment. Though as it stood, as a Spectre, there wasn't really much fear of recourse for his actions, unless the Alliance decided to keelhaul the first human Spectre for fraternization, of all things. He only really expected to see _that_ charge at the bottom of a larger list, and only if things went horribly south. Arson, murder, and jaywalking, as it were.  
  
Shepard let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, closing his eyes for a moment as he laid against Kaidan's body, refusing to even part contact with him just yet, arms still circled around his torso and fingers numbly clinging to his shoulders. He could see the orange glow of Ashley's omnitool waving around even through his eyelids, but it was comforting nonetheless knowing that it was there and it meant that they were going to be okay. He didn't even bother trying to say anything to her just yet – he'd be lucky to form two coherent words at this point. He felt himself sagging again, ready to go under, but for the first time in the past several hours he didn't fight the urge tooth and nail. Ashley's voice became nothing more than a comforting drone as she spoke into her communicator.  
  
"…transferring the data to your omnitool now, doctor. The perimeter appears to be safe; you can send in the medical team.  We'll need the enviro-pods to carry them out of here, too," Ashley spoke through their short-range comm. device.  
  
"Copy that, we'll be there in a moment," Dr. Chakwas' voice confirmed through the communicator. Ashley closed the omnitool and opened two self-heating packs from the first aid kit she had brought with her, and began applying them delicately to their necks.  
  
"Here..." she said softly, voice filled with relief and lingering concern.  Now that her initial amusement at having surprised two of her best friends engaged in a passionate embrace had passed, she was reminded of how deeply worried she had been until they'd finally found them.  The situation wasn't exactly critical anymore; but Shepard and Kaidan were still in pretty bad shape - half-frozen, dehydrated, and obviously exhausted.  Though she wished there was something more she could do to ease their discomfort, Ashley was incredibly glad that they'd successfully managed to keep each other alive until then.  After what had happened to her unit on Eden Prime, she didn't think that she would have been able to handle losing more of the people she cared about.  "You two scared us pretty bad…  We were afraid we'd lost you…" she whispered, voice choked.  
  
"I was afraid we'd been lost, too," Kaidan admitted quietly with a grateful smile, closing his eyes for a moment, letting out a soft sigh and tightening his hold on Shepard a little.  
  
Shepard breathed in slowly, face still turned into the bared skin of Kaidan's shoulder, trying to focus on the warmth now spreading from the heat pack on the back of his neck and slowly forcing some life back into his numb body. The embarrassment had passed and he didn't care that Ashley was watching them – at this point he wanted nothing more than to just fall asleep in Kaidan's arms without the fear that sleeping meant certain death for the both of them. He forced himself to stay awake for now though, lifting his head enough to look over at Ashley as she lingered above them. "Thank you, Ash," he managed to say, voice a barely audible, hoarse whisper – it was all he could do not to burst into tears of relief when it finally sunk into his chest like a knife that they really were going to be okay and that this wasn't all some stupid hallucination. Judging by the slight smile that quirked the corner of her lips, she understood him.  
  
After that, everything was pretty much a giant blur.  Kaidan was vaguely aware of Dr. Chakwas and one or two Alliance paramedics reaching them, Garrus in tow.  He'd exchanged a few words with her, letting her know about Shepard's earlier cardiac arrest, and urging her to keep a close eye on him.  She'd kindly reassured him that she would make sure that both of them stayed safe, and told him to stop worrying so much.  
  
While she spoke, he noticed that Dr. Chakwas had that tender, slightly amused smile on her lips…  Actually, it was almost the same kind of smile that his mother often had when it was clear that she knew more than she was letting on.  For some reason, he'd found it quite a bit unnerving.  Surely his concern for Shepard's well-being and safety wasn't so odd?  
  
She had then placed a mask over his mouth and nose, while a paramedic had done the same for Shepard, and he'd felt warm, humidified air fill his lungs.  
  
Kaidan had experienced an odd sense of loss as he'd finally been pulled away from the other man's body…  A strange emptiness, as if something had suddenly gone missing, and it was all he could do not to instinctively try to grab on to Shepard.  They'd nevertheless managed to share a last look, a gentle smile and a small nod – both of them wordless saying _"It's okay, I'll see you soon."_ to each other – before he'd been lifted up from the blanket lying on the ground by… _Wrex?_  
  
"Wrex?" Kaidan asked, thinking that after finding himself carried bridal-style by a heavy armored krogan, the day couldn't get any weirder.  
  
"Alenko," the krogan answered, before letting out a throaty laugh at Kaidan's puzzled expression, and placing him in a narrow transport pod.  "When you and Shepard are back on your feet, you two have _got_ to tell me how you managed to kill that thresher maw.  Can't believe I missed it!" he added with barely contained excitement.  
  
"Wrex…" he heard Dr. Chakwas warn him.    
  
" _What?_ I said _once_ they're back on their feet…" came the krogan's somewhat annoyed answer.  "Spoilsport," he added more quietly, making Kaidan snort.  Meanwhile, Ashley had placed a heavy electric blanket over him, giving him an encouraging smile and a little pat on the shoulder, before pushing the button to make the pod's transparent lid slide closed.  
  
A few moments later, Dr. Chakwas once again came into view, checking the pod's readings and making a few adjustments, before ordering Wrex and another marine to lift it from the ground, and move out.  Looking to the side, he could see Ashley and Garrus carrying another identical enviro-pod.  Though he had trouble catching a good glimpse of the man lying inside of it, he knew that Shepard was now safe, too, and that was all that mattered.  
  
Thus, as the darkness returned and demanded his surrender, he finally agreed to a truce and gave in; letting feelings of deep relief and warmth wash upon him, secure in the knowledge that the battle was finally won.  He smiled, his last conscious thought being the memory of Shepard's soft lips against his…


	8. Chapter 8

Shepard awoke to the familiar hum of the Normandy's drive core, eyes easing open to see the dim strip lighting of the med bay overhead. He could hear a gentle beeping sound somewhere to his left, and he didn't even have to look to know it was the sound of a heart monitor. He never thought he'd enjoy the sound of it, but it was soothing and it reminded him that he was still alive. That _they_ were still alive.

_Right_?

The beeping sped up for a fraction of a moment as he felt a surge of panic, immediately grabbing for the railing of the gurney so he could pull himself up enough to look around the room. He released a shaky breath when he realized that he wasn't alone, and that Kaidan was just barely over an arm's length away from him, prone in his own bed and eyes closed.

He allowed himself to lay back down with some regret, wishing he could get up and go over to the other man but knowing he'd have the wrath of Chakwas upon him the moment his feet hit the floor. Not that he'd even be able to stand without immediately falling back down – there was an immense pain in his feet, lower legs, and hands, and grasping at the gurney railing as he had only amplified the initial dull ache into full blown pain. He knew the ache was a good thing, however – his hands and lower legs had been rendered completely numb by the cold and settling hypothermia, and he realized that he was lucky nothing had broken off or shattered. He bit down the pain long enough to wiggle each finger and toe in turn, mentally counting them off and only breathing a sigh of relief when he realized they were all intact.

He stared up at the ceiling for a while, listening intently to the sound of Kaidan breathing slowly and evenly not that far away from him, only punctuated by the sound of their heart monitors beeping in the silence of the med bay. He took a deep breath to steady himself, to try and keep his emotions under control – they were alive. They were okay. They had survived, and he didn't want to die anymore, and he'd found something so very very important that he would fight for all he was worth to preserve it.

He felt his eyes begin to burn and he tried to blink away the urge to cry again. He was too fragile to handle his emotions right now, slowly but surely remembering everything that had transpired before he'd finally lost consciousness. Remembering every word exchanged, every revelation, every feeling, every touch, the way Kaidan's lips felt against his own, the way Kaidan's hands felt as they traced the scars on his back…

He released the breath he could no longer hold, shuddering with effort and closing his eyes. What was he going to do about _this?_ About _them?_ They had a mission to take care of that had far reaching implications for the galaxy itself, and if they failed, there was a very real possibility that there would be no second chances. No do-overs. No future. He loved Kaidan, but the mission was far too important, far too critical to become compromised due to emotional connection.

Maybe emotional connection was what he had needed from the start, though – he'd been so intent on throwing himself into the line of fire as per usual that he'd failed to even consider the ramifications, the idea that he was important enough of a figure in the grand scheme of things that his death might mean failure for the rest of them. He wasn't so deluded that he would believe that his death would result in the destruction of the galaxy as a whole, but Kaidan had been right before. If he died, there was a very real possibility that the mission would fail.

He didn't want to die. He wanted to live. He wanted to be able to find the place he belonged. He wanted to be with Kaidan. He wanted to be able to complete the mission, if only to spend a week at a quiet lake in B.C. with the man he'd only just realized he was unequivocally in love with. He wanted to make the galaxy a safer place for everyone so they would never have to lose like he had, and so they would have the opportunity to grow, to move forward, and to find what he had found. Everyone deserved that chance, and he was going to give it to them, no matter what.

"You know, you two are free to come visit me whenever you like, Commander. My door is always open," Dr. Chakwas' voice broke him from his thoughts, the woman in question walking into the med bay with a large box clutched in her hands. She paused long enough to set it on her desk, before crossing over to check on Kaidan's monitor. She smiled to herself, apparently satisfied with the readings, making sure that the I.V. was still working properly and that the Lieutenant wasn't showing any sign of pain or distress. She then walked over to Shepard's bedside.

"You don't actually need to get shot, frozen, or hit by alien devices to make me feel useful on board this ship," she teased, lowering one of the railings and sitting on the edge of his gurney, taking one of his hands in her own to peel aside the bandaging and check how well the tissue regeneration on the healing frostbite was progressing. "Though I suppose the field trip was a nice change of pace…" she added, keeping her voice as light as possible.

Despite her choice of humor, it was clear that she was worried. Caring for soldiers was a very rewarding, but also very difficult task. Every doctor was confronted with the prospect of having to lose patients every now and then, but unless they worked in the military, most didn't have to deal with patients that willingly put their lives on the line to protect others on a near daily basis; nor were they given time to forge deeper and more personal bonds with those under their care.

On a ship, they all worked, ate, and lived together, sharing close quarters the whole time. So while she was able to keep a professional attitude and maintain certain boundaries, some level of emotional attachment was also inevitable.

"But how are you feeling?" she asked, taking in his general appearance and using a small flashlight to test the pupillary response as she spoke.

"Pretty good for someone who's gone into cardiac arrest and had hypothermia all in one day," Shepard responded with a slight smile, voice still hoarse and dry. He cleared his throat, wincing when his ribs gave a twinge of pain. His chest still hurt a bit from where Kaidan had accidentally cracked a couple of ribs during CPR, but it was more of a dull ache than a stabbing pain. Chakwas had probably given him a medigel injection while he was out, allowing the fracture to knit itself back together.

He looked past the doctor when she was done checking his eyes, towards Kaidan's bed, worry settling across his expression for a moment. "What about Kaidan? Is he going to be okay?"

"Lieutenant Alenko is going to be fine," she immediately answered with a knowing smile, unable to hide the slight amusement in her eyes. "He was a bit more dehydrated, with lower electrolytes and blood glucose levels; but I suppose it had something to do with the overheated implant." She was going to inquire a bit more about it, having already guessed that they had encountered a situation where Kaidan had been forced to push the biotics past his usual limits… but catching the fleeting guilty look crossing the Commander's features, she decided that it was the type of information that could wait.

"It's all gone back to normal now, though I'd like him to keep the biotics offline for the rest of the day," she instructed, before she seemed to reconsider. "Actually, that goes for you, too." Though Shepard's condition was also stabilized, his body had sustained a fairly high level of stress. In fact, the likeliness of CPR being successful enough to restart a heart on its own was close to none. She supposed that the application of heat had helped re-warm the major organs, including the brain, thus allowing the autonomic nervous system to resume functioning, but still… The fact that Kaidan had been able to reanimate him without any more apparent complication was almost nothing short of a miracle.

"I'd appreciate if you two could take things easy for the next twenty-four hours, and avoid any unnecessary stress. Do you think I can trust you to be reasonable and do that?" she asked pointedly, remembering how heated things had become the last time that Kaidan and Shepard had found themselves alone in the med bay. "Need I remind you that you're not the one that was stuck having to deal with a brooding and moody L2 afterwards," she added with a little smirk, letting him know that she wasn't actually mad at them – she was simply concerned about their well-being, especially given their present condition.

A somewhat sheepish look crossed Shepard's face at that, and he looked away in embarrassment. "I don't plan on having any more shouting matches, that's for certain. I'm just glad he's okay, especially after everything he's been through," he said, before giving Chakwas a nervous smile. "Thank you, doctor. For everything."

To be honest, he was a bit unnerved by the look she was giving him – that all-knowing smirk, like she could see things he wasn't even aware he was broadcasting. It made him feel exposed, and he couldn't help but feel another small surge of panic when he found himself wondering whether Ashley had told her what she had seen. Though he trusted her not to have told anyone… Chakwas was such a motherly figure that he wouldn't put it past her to have deduced it on her own. He and Kaidan _had_ been giving off some pretty strong signals in the past, despite having no knowledge of the fact.

"Don't worry about it, Commander. Besides, I know that 'shouting match' definitely wasn't one sided. Kaidan can have quite a temper," she said, unable to resist laughing a little. "He appears so calm and collected most of the time that it usually takes people completely off-guard when the gloves come off, too. I think that he may have won a few arguments simply on the element of surprise."

She appeared pensive for a moment, however. "You know, I'm truly glad that he was assigned to your command," she said suddenly, her expression softening a little. "After losing Jenkins, I must admit that I was scared Alenko was going to start sectioning himself from the rest of the crew," she added, remembering how remote he used to be when they had first met. Never to the point of being disagreeable, of course; Kaidan had always worked extremely well with the rest of his team on the battlefield. But he otherwise appeared to have trouble letting other people in. Jenkins had succeeded in making him come out of his shell a little, but she'd always felt that, even then, there was a part of himself that the Lieutenant still solidly kept locked inside.

"But here he is. Making friends, participating in the crew's activities on board, training with an asari biotic, and probably smiling and laughing more than I've ever seen him do," she stated, obviously pleased with that turn of events. "And I believe most of it is your doing, Commander."

A surprised look flashed across Shepard's face at that, and he tried to sit up a bit more so he could better address the doctor sitting next to him – he winced with the effort, however, and was forced to remain mostly prone. "Really?" he asked, voice suddenly quiet. "I did that for him?"

After seeing firsthand the negative impacts he'd had on Kaidan, it was difficult for him to even imagine that he might have influenced something good for the Lieutenant. Not when he could only recall the pain he'd put him through when he'd abandoned him after their argument, or the sheer stress he'd forced upon his shoulders with his reckless battlefield tactics and disregard for his own life.

Even then, despite the pain and the negativity, he couldn't discount Chakwas' observations. He knew he'd at the very least helped Kaidan to open up more, encouraging him to speak about things he'd previously kept buried, and to bare emotions he most likely hadn't shown in years.

And he must have done something right if it meant that Kaidan had fallen in love with him.

It was a humbling feeling, enough to make him feel simultaneously so small and yet so very important, knowing that despite his issues, his internal turmoil and instability, he'd brought something good out of the other man. Something he loved so very, very much. And he knew that Kaidan had done the same for him, bringing out parts of him that he wouldn't have known even existed.

Shepard laid his head back against the pillow and stared up at the ceiling for a long moment, taking in a shaking breath to steady himself before he looked over to Chakwas again. "My whole crew is important to me – they always have been. But, Kaidan… he's something else," he said, breaking off into a soft laugh and shaking his head slightly. "I feel… I feel like a different person because of him. And I like the new me a lot better. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I agree with you, doctor. I'm glad he was assigned to my command, too."

She nodded softly. Though she hadn't served with the Commander for long, she seemed to understand what he was saying. Perhaps even a little bit more than Shepard would have liked. But, on that subject, she preferred to remain discreet. The last thing she wanted was for him to become self-conscious or start acting differently around Kaidan in order to avoid suspicion. As far as she was concerned, their "friendship" was having a positive effect on them both, and even benefitting the rest of the crew.

"Then I guess we have Captain Anderson to thank for pushing so hard to make it happen," she said instead, returning the Commander's smile. "Since biotics are pretty rare, even within the military, the Alliance initially wasn't too keen on letting him have two of their most powerful ones on the same team," Dr. Chakwas began explaining, remembering some of the arguments the Captain had with Admiral Hackett on the subject.

"But with talks of you being considered as a Spectre candidate – the first human Spectre, no less – they figured that you might need a pretty solid team at your disposal to make sure that this opportunity wouldn't fail. Besides, Alenko frustrated him to no end," she added, laughing good-naturedly at the slightly confused and surprised look that Shepard threw her way.

"Anderson has always enjoyed keeping an eye out for talent. Despite his service record and numerous commendations, he still believed that Kaidan was holding back, and not using his skills and leadership capabilities to their full potential. I think his exact words were _'It's like this kid is still waiting for his life to begin.'_ So I believe that he was looking for an assignment that would provide him with new and bigger challenges – throw him out of his comfort zone a little bit." She knew him well enough to know that this was basically the Captain's equivalent of a good kick in the butt. Crude, but usually effective.

"I received an e-mail from him recently. He's been reading your mission reports, and is very pleased with what he's seeing. Especially the fact that Alenko and the rest of your squad are responding so remarkably well to your style of leadership," she said with a confident smile. "The rest of it was basically him complaining about paperwork, Udina's lack of perspective, and his urge to punch some sense into him. Literally," Dr. Chakwas added with a laugh. Shepard snickered under his breath, but quickly covered the sound by clearing his throat.

"So, as long as you feel that you've still got use for him, continue to keep him close, Commander," she said, looking fondly in the direction of the still slumbering Lieutenant. "Even on a professional level, it seems you've found a way to unlock Kaidan's true potential."

Shepard followed her line of sight, watching the other man as he lay there, unconscious and oblivious to the fact that he was being watched. His facial features were relaxed and his hair was slightly mussed and loose from its usual style, a few stray wisps of black curling across his forehead. A small part of him wished he could lie down next to him and stroke his hair, touch his face, slide his arms around him again and lay his head against his shoulder and forget for a few hours that there were responsibilities to be had and duties to be done outside of those med bay doors.

He shook his head slightly to dislodge the thoughts, realizing a little too late that Chakwas had turned back to him and could practically see the gears turning in his head as he watched the other man. She had that knowing smile again, and Shepard was lucky he didn't start blushing in embarrassment.

"I'm glad that Anderson did that for us—for him. Kaidan's got so much potential, and he's one of the most talented soldiers I've served with," he said, a slight smile working across his lips as he looked back over at the Lieutenant. "I'm really looking forward to what the future holds for all of us, once we finish this mission."

"Well, for now, let's make sure that we all get there," Dr. Chakwas said with a smile, before getting up and going to get the box that she'd previously been carrying when entering the med bay.

"And I'm sorry to say that not only do I want you two to keep the biotics offline for the next twenty-four hours, but you will also need to remain confined to your beds. Your feet and legs suffered severe frostbite, and I don't want to see you walking around while tissue regeneration is in progress," she explained, putting the box on the corner of his bedside table. "Thankfully, the rest of the crew decided to put a few things together to help Kaidan and you pass the time while 'trapped' in here…" she added as she removed a few items from the box, setting them on the table for him.

"So, let's see… We have a deck of cards… A few electronic board games… Magazines – _Eezo Trend, Smart Credits, Ship & Pilot..._" She paused, unable to resist laughing at the next item she pulled from the box. "The _Genit-Elcor_ specialty edition of _Fornax,_ " she said, placing the hard copy directly on top of Shepard's covers. "I believe this one's from Garrus. Personally, the pictures in there remind me far too much of my old xenobiology classes."

A disbelieving look crossed Shepard's face, and he snatched up the magazine from the bed. "I'm beginning to question Garrus' sense of humor," he said, a look somewhere between shock and mock disgust crossing his face as he looked over the cover of the magazine in question. He squinted at the picture spread on the front. "Remind me what xenobiology textbooks have elcor wearing bikinis? At least… I think that's a bikini. I'm not sure."

"Hmmm… Let's see," Dr. Chakwas said, taking the magazine from Shepard's hands and turning it a bit sideways, trying to get a better look at the cover. "I think it is… May have been digitally added, too," she commented, before dropping it back on the table, on top of the others. "The 'good stuff' is usually inside, though, but I'll let you figure it out _in private_ ," she teased, before putting the now empty box away, and coming back to check on Shepard's I.V. line, making sure it was still permeable.

"I've set up the PCA pump so that you can control the amount of analgesic you need while the tissues regenerate. I should warn you that it can get quite painful," she explained, handing him a small handset with a red button on top of it. "If the pain becomes too uncomfortable, all you need to do is push the button to administer the next dose of pain killers. The machine will automatically stop giving more medication and alert me via omnitool if you ask for more doses than what has already been programmed," the doctor specified, so that Shepard wouldn't be afraid to accidentally take too much, and try to "tough it out" needlessly. "If that happens, I'll simply come back here and readjust it."

"Your radio set to contact me is right here," she said handing him the device. "So if you need anything – food, a ride to the bathroom, an extra pillow, or just anyone specific to come to the med bay – you can always ask."

She then walked over to Kaidan's gurney, lowered the railing on its left side, and unlocked the small wheels at its bottom. Once that was done, she delicately pushed it snug against Shepard's own, and locked the wheels again.

"Here. If you want to play cards or a board game later on, it will probably be easier for you two not to have to start throwing stuff from one bed to the next," she said with a gentle smile. "Oh, and since extreme changes in body temperature tend to trigger severe migraines, I gave Lieutenant Alenko a higher dose of sedatives to let him sleep off the worst of it. So don't be surprised or worried if it still takes him at least one or two hours to come to," she explained, while looking around to make sure that she hadn't forgotten anything.

"I think that's it. I've instructed the rest of the crew that visitors weren't allowed until later in the afternoon. Thought you two might appreciate some time to yourselves to properly recover from your experience without having to endure Wrex's overexcited questions about that thresher maw's defeat. He's been bending our ears with that ever since we found it," she said with an amused if slightly exasperated laugh. "I think he wants to make you honorary krogan."

Shepard snorted, shaking his head. "Sounds like Wrex. He'll have to wait for Kaidan to come to if he wants to hear that story – I wasn't conscious for that part," he explained, before he had to look away for a moment to hide the guilty look creeping across his features. "He saved my life out there."

"I see…" Dr. Chakwas began, appearing deep in thought. "Well, if anyone asks, that must be because of that concussion you suffered following the maw's initial attack – probably hit your head pretty hard on the dashboard. I'll try not to forget to add it to my report," she finally said with a compassionate smile, having obviously made up her mind about that situation.

Of course, she knew better than anyone that Shepard hadn't actually suffered any head injury, leaving one very obvious explanation as to why he would have been unconscious or more likely "unresponsive" when the thresher maw came out. However, it wasn't information that she wanted to force him to reveal to the rest of the crew if he wasn't ready to; especially considering the amount of scrutiny and constant stress that he was already being put under, and the often-unrealistic expectations from the Council and the Alliance's brass.

"However, I'm going to ask you to come here at least once a week for systemic desensitization therapy," she added, still wanting to make sure that he would receive proper treatment to ensure that the same type of acute stress response wouldn't occur again. Thankfully, she had access to high quality realistic simulator programs that could allow Shepard to confront his fears in a perfectly safe environment.

If he refused, then she would have no other choice than to report the situation to his superiors. She wasn't offering to "cover" for him in order to deny the problem; she simply didn't want the matter to become a public spectacle, or something that could be used against him. After everything that Shepard had been through, he deserved to be treated with empathy and respect. However, she had a feeling that the Commander was going to be reasonable on the matter, and was even ready to add one more incentive to make things easier for him.

"You can even ask Kaidan to come with you if he wants to. After what happened out there, he might actually need it," she offered with a smile.

Shepard was completely taken aback at first, not having expected that answer. He'd honestly tried not to think about what the events on Gellix were going to look like in a mission report, and he most definitely hadn't thought about how he was going to explain to his superiors that he was still fully functional despite the fact that he had gone catatonic in a life-or-death situation. It was one thing to lie through his teeth during therapy until his psychiatrist had filled his paperwork with checkmarks; it was a whole other thing to freeze up in the middle of a mission and nearly get himself and his teammates killed.

He struggled in silence for a moment, before he finally answered. "I… appreciate that, doctor. I could definitely use the help, after what happened down there," he said, choosing his words carefully. He finally looked up, smiling weakly. "…Thank you."

"My pleasure. Don't forget to call me if you need anything," she answered, returning his smile. She then turned around and grabbed a few datapads from her desk, throwing another look in his direction to make sure that everything was okay one last time, and giving him a little nod on her way out.

Shepard spent the first half hour or so staring up at the med bay ceiling in complete silence, deep in thought as he sorted through the events that had led to that very moment. It was a confusing process made all the more difficult by the stinging aches and pains in his body, and hitting the control for a dose of pain medicine didn't stop the nagging itch that began to creep across the skin of his hands and feet. He couldn't scratch through the thick bandaging, and the restlessness only served to consistently break him out of his thoughts and remind him that he was stuck here and that Kaidan was still very much unconscious.

And despite it all, he was content with the situation. They had survived. If anything, they could only grow stronger from here on out – and now he had something even more important to look forward to. It was one thing to fight for an ideal, to take a far-reaching motivation and make it his own. It was another thing to find something specific and so very important to live for, something tangible to look forward to. Some _one_ to look forward to. He could say he was fighting for the safety of the galaxy all he wanted but the fact remained that he was only one man, and despite his best efforts there were always going to be things he couldn't do and people he couldn't save. Fighting for Kaidan's sake, for the guarantee that they would see each other again once the battle was over and the armor came off… That was something doable, something tangible with effects that he would be able to feel and benefit from. Something he could look forward to.

And as he lay there, watching Kaidan as he slept, for the first time he knew that the dull ache in his chest wasn't a bad thing.

When his thoughts became too jumbled to properly process anymore, he took to rifling through the things the crew had brought them. The games were all two-player interfaces and there wasn't much he could do with the card deck, and most of the magazines were technological mumbo jumbo and consumer reporting. He finally reached for the _Fornax_ with a look somewhere between intense trepidation and morbid curiosity, picking up the magazine by the cover so that it splayed open. The centerfold spread came tumbling out of it, and Shepard recoiled – before leaning in and staring at the unfolded image, not quite sure if he was supposed to be disgusted or confused.

"Is there something I should know, Commander?" he suddenly heard someone ask next to him, causing him to visibly jump in surprise, the magazine nearly falling from his hands. Kaidan was now very much awake, and looking back at Shepard with an amused smirk and a fair amount of mirth in his eyes, having to bite the inside of his mouth in order to keep from laughing.

He'd awakened only a few moments earlier… Having immediately recognized the now all too familiar effects of the sedatives, and allowing himself some time to calmly take in his surroundings. Thankfully, his mind had developed a pretty solid tolerance to that type of medication, so his thoughts had cleared up reasonably fast, the events from the previous day slowly but surely coming back to him.

He could hear someone shuffling pages close by, and recognized the sound of two sets of heart monitors… So that meant that Shepard had successfully made it back to the Normandy's med bay alive, and was probably fine… As a matter of fact, so was he.

Waiting for his eyes to properly adjust to the light, he'd gently moved his feet, toes, and hands a little, grateful that every limb still appeared to be functional and in its rightful place – though his extremities felt somewhat sore, and were really itching.

Turning his head to his left side, he was initially surprised to see Shepard right there, mere inches from him, lying on his own adjacent gurney in a semi-sitting position. Well, Shepard being there wasn't exactly surprising; it was just the lack of further physical distance between them that he hadn't quite been expecting. Not that he was complaining. On the contrary, he was rather glad and even grateful to have him so close. He was going to say something when he'd noticed what Shepard was looking at…

Wait… Was that a large picture of a spread-eagled _naked elcor… wearing nothing but pasties?_

To his great credit, Shepard didn't even blush – he very calmly folded the photograph back into the magazine, closing it and laying it across his lap, hands laying palms down across the glossy surface. "I meant to tell you this earlier, but I couldn't find the right time," he began in a serious tone, before looking over and pinning the other man with a somber expression. "I'm an elcorsexual. I hope this doesn't bother you."

It was all Kaidan could do not to burst out in laughter right there, but he was determined to keep playing the game, somehow. "Well I'm glad you're so open about this, Shepard," he stated, struggling to keep his voice as serious as he could and his mouth in a straight line, though the suppressed laughter still shone in his eyes. "I've always had a thing for vorcha, myself. Their voices drive me _wild_."

He then appeared to give Shepard's confession some further thought. "But elcor? Yeah, I can definitely see the appeal," he added, before he began speaking again, doing his best to keep his voice completely monotonous and his expression neutral:

" _With great anticipation: Please remove your pants._

_With false sincerity: This is the biggest one I've ever seen._

_In ecstasy: Faster… Faster…._

_Faking orgasm: Ah. Ah. Yes. Ah."_

Shepard managed to keep a straight face for the first half of Kaidan's monologue, but that was all he could handle before he had burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. He waved one hand at Kaidan in a desperate attempt to make him stop, the other clutching his chest. "Oh—oh god, don't make me laugh like that, my ribs are _killing_ me," he barely managed to say. "That's it, I'm keeping an eye on your extranet activity. You did that a little _too_ well."

Kaidan's hand immediately flew to his mouth. "Shit. I'm so sorry…" he said, though he was also laughing and having trouble to catch his breath. "I'd completely forgotten about your ribs," he added a bit sheepishly. "If you end up being a bit too trigger happy on the analgesics for the next hour, I'll let Dr. Chakwas know that it was totally my fault, I promise."

He waited for both of them to calm down, before pointing to the _Fornax_ magazine with his finger and asking "Let me guess, Garrus?" Shepard looked back at him with a slightly puzzled expression, cocking one eyebrow in a silent question for Kaidan to explain.

"He's been hiding copies of it underneath Ashley's pillow from time to time," Kaidan said, still smiling. "You'll be glad to learn that, ah… _According to Ash,"_ he stressed out, making it clear that this wasn't based on his own personal assessment, "…the drell would be the most compatible alien option for a young heterosexual human female. And that, despite their obvious anatomical differences, turians and humans actually have bodies that can sexually interlock with the opposite gender of each species." He frowned a bit, before reconsidering. "Though I guess it could work for two males, too."

Shepard couldn't keep from grinning a bit at that, giving the other man a sidelong glance. "Oh, really? I know Garrus is pretty attractive for a turian, but I don't think it's worth the allergic reaction," he teased, before setting the _Fornax_ aside on the bedside table and sliding back down into a mostly prone position. It took a little bit of effort, but he managed to turn somewhat over onto his side so he could better face the other man laying next to him.

"How are you feeling, anyway? Things got pretty rough down there."

"Not sure _rough_ is the word I'd use to describe what happened down there…" Kaidan answered quietly, suddenly wondering why his mouth had the habit of blurting out words before his brain had the time to really process them. Staring back into Shepard's gorgeous clear grey eyes, he realized that it was so easy to allow himself to get lost in the moment, and forget about anything else, though. Still, he managed to clear his throat, and tried to force his mind to stay on course. "…but all things considered, I think I'm good, you know. Various aches and throbbing sensations all over – head and feet, especially – but nothing I haven't been able to handle before."

And Shepard was so _close_. He would only need to reach out a little to circle his waist and upper back with his arms, drawing his body snug against his once again, limbs entwined, mouth seeking soft, luscious lips and…

Kaidan's heart rate suddenly sped up significantly, his monitor picking up the beat with a very fast and lively _"beep-beep-beep-beep-beep"_ sound. _Damn it!_ Breaking eye contact, Kaidan lifted himself up on his elbows, and threw a glare in its direction. _"Seriously?"_ he asked, trying to deflect his embarrassment with humor. He then flipped a little and let himself fall back onto the bed on his stomach, face buried in his pillow.

"How about you Shepard, how are _you_ feeling?" he inquired, voice heavily muffled, refusing to look up or even raise his head to come up for air. "And please forgive me while I casually try to vanish through the ceiling…" he added, while reaching blindly with his hand for the gurney's hydraulic lift control on the side of his railing, activating the one raising the whole bed up.

"Hey, stay down here with me!" Shepard complained, unable to keep from laughing as he lunged to grab for the controls to stop Kaidan from lifting the gurney too high. He managed to hit the button to make him stop, but lost his balance in the process and practically fell across the other man's back. "Ow. Sorry."

Kaidan yelped a little and laughed, not having expected Shepard to climb over him like that to reach the commands on his side. This had given him the courage to finally remove his face from the pillow, though, twisting his head and upper body a little to take a look and make sure the other man was okay; while he pressed the button to bring his gurney back to its initial position.

Shepard pulled back with a slight pained sound, though it disappeared under more embarrassed laughter as he laid a comforting hand on Kaidan's shoulder blade. "And I'm fine," he said, before trailing his hand upwards and gently massaging the base of Kaidan's neck at his hairline, careful to avoid his amp jack. "I'm not the one who overheated his implant reaving a thresher maw to death. Speaking of which, Wrex wants the gruesome details later."

"Of course he does…" Kaidan answered, pouting a little and letting himself fall face forward into the pillow again with a grunt. He was afraid that he would have to disappoint him, though. Telling glorious and exciting battle tales definitely wasn't his forte. He would have been perfectly content to just remain there for the rest of the day, body sinking into the mattress as Shepard gently massaged the back of his neck… But according to his heart rate monitor that was beginning to speed up yet _again_ , he was perhaps starting to enjoy the other man's touch just a tad too much.

He lifted his head up to look back at the offending piece of medical equipment… And, remembering that these things had alarms that _could_ be shut down, smiled evilly at it. "That's it, you're going down," he vowed, trying to evaluate the distance between the gurney and the monitor. It was a bit out of arm's reach… But if he could lean against the railing to support himself just a little, he would probably be able to get to it.

"Okay, I need your help," Kaidan said, turning and sitting up in order to face Shepard, careful not to tear the I.V. from his arm in the process. He figured that Dr. Chakwas would probably be pretty pissed at him if she had to come rushing back into the med bay to install a new one. Come to think of it, she would probably get even angrier if he somehow managed to end up on the floor while trying to stop a stupid alarm. The smart thing, of course, would have been to call her to ask if she could come and shut it off herself…

However, that monitor had made things _personal_. And he was determined to be the one to have the satisfaction of putting an end to its beeping.

He motioned for Shepard to back up a little so that he could lift the railing on that side of his bed. "Okay, what I need you to do is to hold onto that railing with your elbows…" he began explaining, not wanting him to risk further injury to his hands, "…and throw your weight back a little bit to do a counterweight. I just want to make sure my gurney doesn't end up toppling over." Technically, the beds were pretty solid, but he wasn't quite willing to risk it.

Shepard stared at him for a long moment, not moving to do as he was told and instead arching an eyebrow at the other man, crossing his arms. "And why exactly am I doing this? You're not gonna mess with that monitor. I don't want Chakwas scolding me for being an accessory to your shenanigans, Kaidan."

Kaidan shrugged. "You're not an accessory… You're the responsible man trying to make sure that I'm not breaking my neck while I try to shut off that monitor's alarm," he explained, trying his best to look totally innocent. "Come on, Shepard, that beeping is driving me mad!" he added, while trying to find the right argument to convince him to collaborate.

Before the Commander had time to react, Kaidan quickly brought the railing back down and moved over to the other man's side, grabbing Shepard by the waist and forcing him to lie down on his back, while positioning his upper body on top of his, face mere inches from his, lips almost touching…

Kaidan's self-satisfied smile widened when Shepard's own heart rate monitor began beeping even faster than his. "See…" he whispered huskily, "…it's pretty hard for me to keep my focus on anything else if that _thing_ keeps reminding me of how much I want to—" he stopped, however, eyes widening in shock as he realized what he was doing and saying, and he immediately sat up, breathing hard, face flushed. "I'm sorry," he whispered, avoiding Shepard's gaze, embarrassed to have lost control like that. "…I shouldn't have—"

He didn't get to finish that sentence, however, because Shepard suddenly looped his arms around the back of Kaidan's neck and dragged him back down again, their lips meeting in a forceful, somewhat awkward kiss. They held like that for a long moment, pressed into one another, Kaidan's hands supporting him on either side of Shepard and Shepard's fingers threading through hair and clutching for purchase against the bare skin of his shoulder blades, ignoring the lingering pain.

He finally loosened his grip, allowing Kaidan to rise up enough for the both of them to breathe, panting and trying to ignore the fact that both of their heart monitors were racing. Shepard breathed out slowly, steadily trying to bring his heart rate back down again, eyes drifting closed as he pressed his forehead against Kaidan's.

"Don't ever apologize, Kaidan," he whispered, lips moving within a bare centimeter of Kaidan's. "You're not the only one who wants this."

"You're only saying that because you just found out that I could do the elcor so well," Kaidan teased quietly, still a little breathless, before bringing his lips down to Shepard's again. However, he kept the pressure very light this time – the kiss gentle, loving, and tantalizingly slow.

Their first kiss had been raw, visceral, and passionate… Having shared what, back then, they had believed to possibly be an ultimate embrace, Kaidan remembered having felt the desperate need to pour every emotion he had ever felt for Shepard into it.

The result had been amazing. Electrifying, even. But in the back of his mind, there had been this constant pressure; this feeling that they were running out of time, and that the life they could have had together was slipping away before it had even been given the chance to really begin.

That second kiss had taken him by surprise, while reawakening the need he had to share himself with this wonderful, kind and generous man. The love, the understanding, the companionship… He was deeply attracted to Shepard and desired him physically, sure. But the attraction went far beyond that.

This time, he wanted the kiss to reflect that. To convey the tenderness, love, and devotion he felt towards the other man. To let Shepard know just how much he cared for him… _All_ of him, and he was willing to be patient, supportive, and take things slow if need be while they figured things out.

Had they been two civilians with occupations that didn't involve the fate of so many others, Kaidan could imagine that he would have made every effort to court him properly. Take Shepard on a few dates; buy him dinner at a cozy little café. Find out what he liked, maybe invite him to go see a musical, or to take a long romantic walk in a quiet park…

But they were soldiers, and didn't entirely belong to themselves. Even though, to be honest, he was way past the point of really caring about the regs anymore, he still cared about the mission. And he knew that Shepard did, too. Actually, that was even part of the many reasons why he loved and respected him so much.

If he'd had any belief that their feelings for one another could end up hurting the mission itself, or putting the rest of the crew at a disadvantage, he wouldn't have been able to kiss him as he was doing now. No matter how much it would have torn him up inside to keep away from Shepard, he would have been willing to sacrifice his own heart to ensure that they would succeed in getting things done – that they would keep doing the right thing.

But he was slowly learning that it was possible to love someone with all that he was, body and soul, and not have to give up on his own personal ideals in the process; especially if those ideals were something that could be shared with the one he'd ended up giving his heart to. Although everything was still a bit muddled, he trusted that, together, they would be able to find the right balance between their duty, and their feelings for one another.

So for now, he was willing to allow this… this physical expression of his inner world. Kaidan seemed to express himself better through his actions than words, anyway. And he was determined not to rush anything.

Gently tasting Shepard's lips, truly savoring the moment this time, the hand playing in his hair sending shivers all over his body… His own hand sneaking up behind Shepard's neck, guiding him deeper into the kiss, delicately taking control… One arm preoccupied with holding himself above the man beneath him; his free hand sliding beneath Shepard's shirt, delicately caressing his stomach… Feeling the muscles underneath the skin tremble and tighten under his touch…

Feeling the urge to take things further becoming too great, and remembering that they were still in a public section of the ship – Dr. Chakwas could easily walk in on them at any time – he finally and very reluctantly pulled away from Shepard, smiling as the heard a little frustrated moan escape the other man's lips.

He could relate – breaking their kiss was like pure torture, but the more he waited, the harder and more painful it would be to avoid giving in to his urges.

"As much as I hate to say this…" Kaidan began, still staring hungrily at Shepard's mouth and biting his lower lip a little while he tried to catch his breath, and regain control of his mind and body. "…I think we need to figure out what we're going to do with ah… _us_ ," he said, finally raising his gaze to meet his.

Shepard took in a shaking breath in an effort to steady himself, before releasing it and gently pushing on Kaidan's shoulders so he could sit up again, allowing them both to draw back and properly face each other.

"Yeah," he said in a quiet voice, casting a glance towards the door before looking back at Kaidan again, gray eyes locking with brown. "We're… in a bit of a difficult situation here."

He suddenly broke eye contact and looked down at his hands, picking at the bandaging rubbing at his knuckles as he spoke. "I mean, at this point, I don't know if the Alliance would care enough to pursue either of us on the matter since I'm a Spectre now. But…" he sighed heavily, before looking at Kaidan again, brow knitting with worry. "I don't want to see you get hurt. I don't want to make promises that I can't keep. Most of all, I want to make sure that… that there's a future for _us._ And if this mission fails, there won't be."

"I know…" Kaidan whispered back, a shy smile making its way to his lips. Even with so much being uncertain, the simple fact that Shepard was considering that there might be a future for them was enough to make him feel giddy. "We still have a responsibility to the people we have sworn to protect; and to our crew," he said, wanting to let him know that he understood the importance of the situation, and wasn't taking it lightly.

"And you don't have to worry about hurting me, Marco," he added softly, holding his gaze and reaching out to delicately rest one hand on top of his, stopping him from fidgeting with the bandage. "I know you can't promise me anything right now… And I'm not asking you to. And I'm _especially_ _not_ expecting you to start treating me any different than you would anyone else on this ship during duty hours. Actually, I might even resent it if that became the case," he added, chuckling a little.

"But I need you to know that… These feelings I have for you…" he said, taking a deep breath to steady himself, trying his best to ignore the sound of his heart racing on the monitor. "Well, they're not going anywhere."

"And I uh…" he closed his eyes and let out a frustrated sigh, wondering why it was so difficult to find the right words to express what he felt when he'd been so comfortable kissing him only moments ago. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that… No matter what happens… Whether the mission succeeds or fails… Whether there is a future or not… As long as we can face it together, I'll be fine."

And really, he would. While part of him wished more than anything that they would be given a chance to take the relationship to the next step someday – maybe even become a couple, perhaps – he was also content with simply having Shepard in his life.

"I'm yours… in any way you need me to be," he whispered somewhat bashfully, lightly biting his lower lip again and looking down, hoping that he hadn't gone too far or scared Shepard away by admitting it.

A soft smile ran unbidden across Shepard's lips and he placed his free hand on top of Kaidan's, gently squeezing it between both of his own before letting go. He leaned forward and planted a soft kiss to Kaidan's forehead, holding it for a moment before drawing back and gently tilting his chin up with his fingertips, bringing his gaze upward. "Even if I can't make you any promises right now, I can at least swear to you that I'm going to fight for all that I'm worth so we can have that future," he said, voice strong despite the incessant fluttering in his chest. "I'm not going to give up on you, Kaidan. Not when you… not when you make me feel…" he broke off, voice wavering – he swallowed to steady himself, inhaling and exhaling softly before continuing.

"You are my reason, Kaidan. I want to fight, to _live_ for you."

_I never realized that there was still a chance for me to find something – someone worth living for. You brought me back, Kaidan, and you're the reason I want to stay._

He remembered the words that Shepard had spoken to him in the cave. But back then, their full implication had been lost on him. He had supposed that a person could care about someone deeply as a friend – a brother, even – and have that friendship give them hope and the will to go on.

It was so easy for Kaidan to dismiss other people's interest in him – to believe that any attention or affection he received was superficial or fleeting. After all, aside from his family, he unfortunately hadn't quite succeeded in establishing any long-term personal relationships with anyone in the past.

At some point, he'd come to the conclusion that it simply wasn't meant for him. That he wasn't meant to really connect with other people, fall in love, or inspire such feelings in another… At least, nothing _lasting_. And he'd managed to convince himself that he was okay with that, too. That he was meant to protect others and care for them on a larger scale, and to use his talents for the greater good. That being a soldier wasn't only his vocation, but also part of his very identity.

Yet, here Marco Shepard was, talking about him being his reason to live and to fight. Vowing not to give up on _him_ , and to do all he could to make sure that they would have a future together.

To hear those words spoken out loud, and to know that they weren't meant for anyone else… That was simply overwhelming. He wasn't sure how he was supposed to react or what Shepard was expecting him to do or… maybe that was just it, there weren't any expectations. Besides, hadn't he just admitted to being his? Maybe that was good enough for Shepard. Kaidan couldn't help but smile to himself… Maybe _he_ was good enough.

"You know, for a guy who claims not being able to make any promises…" he began, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against Shepard's, rubbing his nose affectionately against his a little. "You sure know how to make a commitment," he added softly, trying to keep his voice from breaking too much.

He ran his hands up and down Shepard's arms, his own body trembling, taking deep breaths to calm himself. But even if he were to lose control over his emotions and once again break down in front of him, he knew that it would be okay. Shepard would be there to catch him and make him feel safe and accepted… Loved, even.

"Shepard, you make me feel…" he paused, trying to find the right word. A way to describe just how _right_ everything felt in his world whenever he was around. He smiled, remembering what the other man had once told him following one of their previous conversations. "… _human_."

A soft laugh escaped Shepard's throat – Kaidan's words most definitely weren't lost on him, and he couldn't keep from smiling as well. "I'm glad to hear that," he whispered, one hand resting palm-down against Kaidan's chest, feeling his heartbeat against his fingertips. "You give me so much strength, Kaidan. I feel like I could take on the galaxy… and at this point, I might have to. And I can't think of anyone else I'd rather have at my side."

His eyes drifted closed, expression calm and content. "Thank you, for… for _everything_. Even if the worst comes to pass, I don't regret anything." He laughed again, shaking his head slightly. "Except getting you shot. And then yelling at you. I regret the hell out of that."

Kaidan chuckled at that. "Yeah, let's ah… keep the yelling to a minimum, shall we?" he agreed, then appeared to give it some thought. "Though I suppose shouting _can_ be good… given the right circumstances," he added a bit flirtatiously, the beeping from the machine next to his gurney once again going wild.

He laughed, feeling the heat rise to the sides of his neck once again, and knowing full well that his cheeks were probably flushed – thankfully he wasn't alone in that matter, because Shepard was trying his hardest to hide the fact that he had turned bright red as well. "Seriously Shepard, now that _thing_ is just ruining the moment," Kaidan said, though he was now more amused than downright annoyed, not really minding the fact that Shepard could see how easy it was to get him all hot and bothered.

"Please help me take it down…" he pleaded, throwing him his best supplicating look. _"Please."_

"A-Alright, just cut it out with the puppy-dog eyes," Shepard conceded, face still tinged red, and he gave a somewhat self-deprecating laugh. "Just don't expect that to work again."

He cast a look towards his own heart monitor, which was still trying its damnedest to match Kaidan's beep-for-beep. He heaved a frustrated sigh. "And you have to help me with mine first. I'd try to do it myself but I'd probably break it."

Kaidan positively beamed at him when he finally agreed to help, then couldn't resist laughing a little at Shepard's lack of confidence in his own technological skills. "You know, to be fair, all I'll have to do is probably push some button with a huge red 'no sound' symbol on it somewhere beneath that front panel," he explained, while checking to make sure that his I.V. tubing would reach that far. Thankfully, the monitors themselves were directly synched to their biometrics and didn't require any wiring, so that left both of them free to move about as they pleased.

"Normally, I'd have deactivated it with my omnitool, but Dr. Chakwas hasn't allowed me to keep it ever since my first extended stay in the med bay under her care…" he said, apparently oblivious to the fact that this was exactly the kind of information that would usually end up arousing suspicions. One of Shepard's eyebrows arched upwards at that, but he didn't say anything.

Kaidan studied his objective with as much interest as he would a target on the battlefield. Thankfully, Shepard's monitor on the wall was much closer to his gurney than his own was.

"Alright, lie down and hold still," he said, getting out of his covers and moving over to Shepard's side, ending up with one leg on either side of his torso, straddling him. He began to lean forward and a bit to his right side, trying to reach for the monitor… Then stopped, realizing that he was only wearing a pair of (thankfully loose fitting) boxers, and was giving the other man quite the view.

"You know, this seemed like a good idea at first, but ah…" he laughed a bit nervously. "…Well, I guess I can always try to find another position to do this if you'd like."

Shepard was barely able to keep from laughing at that point, face still tinged red as he looked very pointedly to the side when he realized he'd been staring. "No, no. This is fine. Better than a room with a window."

"Riiight," Kaidan said, smiling a bit coyly and trying not to become too self-conscious, otherwise he knew he'd never be able to keep it up. _It_ , as in, what he was trying to accomplish. Not… _All right Alenko,_ _ **focus**_ _. Alarm. Bad. Deactivate._ _ **Now.**_

"Just keep your head down, though," he instructed, once again leaning forward and to the side in order to finally reach the monitor. "Wouldn't want to accidently end up bumping into you." _Yeah, wouldn't want that._ Now was probably a _very_ good time to start visualizing the picture of that naked elcor again.

"Okay, if I can just manage to… Perfect!" As expected, lifting the small panel on the front of the monitor, just below the large display screen, allowed him to have access to the volume controls and, wonder of wonders, the _mute_ button.

"First target down, Commander," he announced proudly as the monitor's beeping finally ceased. He then flipped the panel back into place, before rolling off Shepard and moving over to his own bed, lifting the railing of his gurney that was on Shepard's side.

"Want me to go over this again, or you've got it?" he asked, half-serious half-teasing, not sure that Shepard had really been listening to his instructions the first time around.

Shepard rolled his eyes, before sitting up and leaning over so he could pull back on the railing with his elbows, leaning his weight back to fully stabilize Kaidan's gurney. "I may not look like it, but I'm pretty good at taking orders," he said with a half-grin. "Just be careful, if you fall out I'm not gonna be able to catch you. I could try to biotically pull you if you start to fall, but… well, let's just say you'll probably get to say hello to the far wall," he added, jerking his head towards the wall behind him, on the far side of the med bay. "Vanguards aren't exactly known for their precision and, um, control."

"Don't worry, I'd rather not end up on the floor, either. Especially not after being flown all the way over there," Kaidan said with a laugh, throwing a look in the wall's direction. "Don't know how we'd manage to explain that one." He could only picture Shepard looking sheepishly at Dr. Chakwas, going _"B-but… I only wanted to catch him. Think I broke him?"_

Bending over the railing nearly as far as he could go, its edge resting across his upper thighs, he finally managed to open the monitor's panel and hit the mute. But as Kaidan was about to comment on the success of their "mission," he heard the all too familiar swooshing sound of the med bay door opening. _Shit._

He tried his best to make a swift retreat, almost losing his balance in the process and sitting back a bit too quickly on his legs with a wince and a slightly pained grunt. He then made very fast work of getting underneath his covers, lying back and pulling them up to his chest, while looking over to his left side to see how Shepard was doing.

To his great credit, the Commander had waited until he was sure that Kaidan was safely back on his gurney before letting go of the railing and running for cover. Not one to abandon one of his soldiers in the face of danger, no matter how terrifying the opponent.

" _ **Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko,**_ " Dr. Chakwas said sternly, voice raising a notch, visibly unimpressed by his acrobatics. "And what exactly do you think you were doing?"

' _I'm sorry,'_ he mouthed to Shepard, hoping that he would forgive him for getting him involved in this mess. Though, to tell the truth, he also felt like they'd just dodged a bullet there. All things considered, there were much more embarrassing things that they could have been caught doing.

Taking a deep breath and trying to put on his best charming smile, he finally turned his head in the doctor's direction. "Would you believe me if I said that the monitor started it?" he asked, while looked down at him, arms crossed, scowling in a way that obviously meant that she thought he could do much better than that.

He sighed. "Look, that beeping was driving me mad and I didn't want to disturb you…" he began explaining, then thought that if he was going down, maybe he could at least manage to save one of them. "…Shepard really did his best to stop me. I'm sure he would have called you sooner, but he had to grab onto the railing to watch my back, you know."

Dr. Chakwas nearly snorted at that. She had no doubt the Commander had indeed been watching his back. Though still feeling a bit irritated, she uncrossed her arms with a weary sigh, and looked sympathetically in Shepard's direction.

"Let me guess, he pulled the puppy-dog eyes on you?" she asked, shaking her head a little.

Shepard felt the back of his neck get hot and he tried to save face by plastering on an indignant look. "Jeez, Kaidan, and here I thought that I was special. You use that tactic on all of the pretty girls?"

He really did turn red when he realized that his teasing could be horribly misconstrued, so he changed the subject as fast as he could. "I mean… sorry, doctor. I'm not letting a soldier take the fall for something that was equally my responsibility," he said, trying to look stoic but instead wavering under Chakwas' stern look. "We'll, um, call you next time."

"Don't make any promises that you may not be able to keep, Commander. Trust me on this," she replied with a smirk, turning her attention back to Kaidan. "And here I thought that by providing you with a companion and a few distractions…" she said, pointing a finger in the direction of the games and periodicals she had brought in earlier, "…you might consider leaving _my_ toys alone." There was at least a hint of fondness and even amusement in her voice now.

"I only touched the mute, I swear," Kaidan answered, allowing Dr. Chakwas to proceed with her physical examination. "Beside, have I ever broken anything?" he asked, making her stop long enough to throw him a disbelieving look again. He wavered a bit under her steady stare. "Let me rephrase that. Have I ever broken anything that I wasn't able to fix?" he specified.

She relented with a sigh, a soft smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "No, you haven't. Though I _did_ receive a call recently from one of the technicians using my old med bay. He wanted to know why there were pictures of what appeared to be the inside of a sandwich stored in the scanner's database," she said, making Kaidan chuckle a bit.

"Yeah, that… I figured that I was performing a public service by making sure that the synthetic meat they served us on that ship didn't have any actual brain activity," he teased.

"The food _was_ pretty horrible," Dr. Chakwas conceded with a small laugh, having regained her more relaxed disposition. "And I suppose that you did help me get my medical equipment properly settled on the Normandy," she added, having completed her examination and now checking on the monitor's display to confirm that everything was still working as it should.

"So I'm getting the distinct impression that there's a good reason why Kaidan's not allowed to have his omnitool in the med bay," Shepard said, pushing into a more comfortable sitting position and shooting a knowing grin towards the Lieutenant lying next to him. "Let me know if I need to put in a requisition order for more secure equipment, doctor," he teased.

Instead of looking offended, Kaidan's eyes actually lit up at the suggestion, a reaction that definitely wasn't lost on the doctor. "Thanks, Commander. But I think that the challenge of hacking through security, on top of having access to top of the line medical high tech, would prove too much for our young tech expert here to resist." She frowned, giving it a bit more thought. "Hmmm… I wonder how many times his parents came back home to find that the microwave had been taken apart, and their son was in the process of reassembling it."

The Lieutenant laughed. "Guilty as charged," he admitted. Trying to figure out how things worked had always been a favorite hobby of his. And though he wasn't as good at hacking as Tali, he'd always enjoyed it to the point where it hadn't been long before his parents had stopped bothering with trying to install any type of parental control software on their electronic devices at home. He'd even broken through programs that were supposedly tied to their biometrics.

"Playing with electronics is a great way to pass the time, and it helps me take my mind off things," he said with a little shrug, while looking back in Shepard's direction. "I find it oddly relaxing."

"Relaxing for you, maybe," Dr. Chakwas scoffed, before allowing her earlier concern to return. "Look, Alenko, I'd sincerely appreciate it if, _at the very least_ , you would make the effort not to start climbing over the railings, or do anything else that could get you hurt while you're here," she said, letting him know that she cared much more about her patients' well-being than all of the technology in the world.

"Actually, if I catch either of you two trying to leave your beds without assistance until I officially give you the okay tomorrow morning, I'm getting the medical restraints, and putting each gurney on opposite sides of the rooms. Am I making myself clear?" she added sternly, leaving no doubt that she would be perfectly willing to put her threats to execution if they refused to comply with her orders. Shepard may have been the Commander of this ship, but _she_ was the one in charge of everything that went on in the med bay. So when it came down to the health and the welfare of her soldiers, she expected them to fall in line.

Shepard very nearly laughed at first, until he realized that the serious look on Chakwas' face was most definitely very real. He immediately forced on a straight face, erasing any and all possible amusement that the doctor might misconstrue as a questioning of her authority. He didn't carry any false pretenses that Chakwas held absolute authority in the med bay, Commander or not. Hell, she could probably put an Admiral in their place if they ever found themselves confined to the Normandy's med bay.

"Yes ma'am," he responded, tone about as serious as he could make it. "Crystal clear." He suddenly felt like a twelve year old all over again. The last time a woman had used that tone of voice on him, his mother had grounded him for attacking his older brother with balloons filled with paint. They never managed to get the stains out of the carpet, and he could still remember the stern look on his mother's face when she'd sent him to his room – the exact same look Chakwas was giving him now. And if Chakwas was anything like his mother had been, he knew that the best course of action was to sit down and shut up.

"Aye aye," Kaidan answered with a firm nod, obviously not willing to risk spending the rest of the day tied up to his bed, all alone in his own corner. Not to mention that since Dr. Chakwas had already made some great efforts to accommodate them, and make sure that their convalescence would be as pleasant as possible, the very least they could offer in return was their collaboration.

"Good. I see we understand each other," she said with a satisfied smirk, before moving to Shepard's side and checking the readings on his monitor. "Otherwise, you both appear to be recovering well. Vitals have been strong and stable over the last few hours… Besides a few episodes of tachycardia," she mentioned with an amused grin. Kaidan could feel the heat rush back to his cheeks again. "And they have a tendency to happen simultaneously, how odd," she added, obviously enjoying herself. She pretended not to notice that Shepard had begun inching down into his sheets out of embarrassment.

' _It's official, this woman is evil,'_ Kaidan thought, wishing that the ground could just open up and swallow him whole.

"I'll send someone in to bring you some lunch," Dr. Chakwas offered, having apparently decided that she'd tortured them enough for the time being. "Now, before I go, is there anything more you two need?"

' _You mean, besides what's left of my pride?'_ the Lieutenant wondered, trying to fight back his embarrassment. "I'm good," he answered quietly, still looking a bit sheepish.

Shepard was very pointedly looking anywhere but at Chakwas or Kaidan at that point, hoping beyond hope that he wasn't as flushed as he felt. "Yeah, I think I'm good too. Thank you, Dr. Chakwas."

As soon as the doctor had departed the room and the door had swished closed behind her, Shepard turned and poked Kaidan sharply in the shoulder. "Way to go, _Alenko,_ " he said, giving him a half-hearted glare."I told you it was a bad idea. I haven't been scolded like that since I was a child."

"Hey! I tried to save you, alright?" Kaidan answered with mock indignation. " _You're_ the one that was too stubborn to let me take the fall back there," he pointed out, though there was a hint of gratefulness and even tenderness in his voice. After pretty much coaxing Shepard into helping him, he wouldn't have been mad if the Commander had let him carry the sole responsibility for his actions. The fact that he'd stood by him, no matter what the consequences, was strangely moving.

Shepard rolled his eyes, shifting back down onto his back and turning his head against his pillow so he could look over at the other man. "I'm your Commander, Kaidan. I protect my men from enemies and doctors alike," he replied, a smirk turning the corner of his mouth. "Besides, if you hadn't—"

He suddenly cut himself off, however – his eyes had drifted past Kaidan as he spoke, landing on the front corner of the room by the med bay doors. He stopped speaking almost immediately, eyes going wide and expression immediately morphing from amused to downright mortified. "Um… I think I know how Dr. Chakwas conveniently caught you in the act." He didn't wait for Kaidan to question him, however, pointing towards the corner. "I'm guessing that the flashing red light means the camera is on."

"What?" Kaidan asked, turning his head briefly in the direction that the Commander was pointing, before blanching significantly when he noticed the flashing light that he was referring to. He turned back to Shepard, not quite having the courage to look him in the eyes. "Yes, yes it does…" he confirmed in a small voice, pulling his covers over his head in an ultimate effort to hide his growing shame. "Pouncing on your superior officer without first fully assessing the perimeter… _Way to go, Alenko_ ," he said, reusing the words that Shepard had spoken to him earlier, his voice a bit muffled by the blanket.

Shepard sighed, reaching over and patting the other man on the shoulder through the covers. "Well, if we're lucky, she didn't actually see us… um… you know. She might have just checked when you started messing with the monitors," he offered hopefully, though his expression betrayed his voice. Thankfully Kaidan couldn't see it. "I mean, even if she did, she didn't bring it up… It could be worse? At least we weren't naked."

"Yeah," the large form bravely hiding underneath the covers answered quietly with a nervous chuckle. As terrible as it may have sounded, he could definitely see an upside to Shepard's proposed scenario. _Really?_ Well, it wasn't like he had ever fantasized about something as embarrassing as spying on his commanding officer in the showers before or… _Ah, great._ Now he just did.

Realizing that he was acting a bit silly just hiding there, and not wanting Shepard to believe that he actually regretted any of their earlier display of affection, he took a deep breath and decided to man up – show him that he could take charge of the situation, and get them out of this mess. Hopefully before lunch arrived. He was starting to get quite hungry and didn't fancy either of them getting indigestion.

"Okay, I've got this," he announced, dropping the covers back to his waist, and looking at Shepard with a strong, confident expression. At least, it was meant to look strong and confident. "Give me the short range communicator. I'm calling the doctor."

Shepard stared at him for a moment, not moving at first. "What? Why?" he asked, tone suspicious. He held the communicator away from Kaidan, but his expression didn't falter. Shepard stared him down as long as he could before he finally gave up, too unnerved by Kaidan's expression to continue the contest. "All right, just try not to get us in trouble. If someone has to tie me down to a bed, I'd prefer you over Chakwas."

He immediately felt his cheeks go hot the moment the words left his mouth, and he shoved the radio into Kaidan's hands to cover his slip-up. "Here, just—do whatever you're gonna do," he stuttered, looking away a little too quickly to cover the fact that his face had turned red.

"Don't worry, I doubt that I can manage to do much worse," Kaidan said with a little half-smile, having to stop his mind from wandering towards the creative use of medical restraints. "And I'm usually very gentle…" he added a bit seductively, before taking another deep breath and concentrating on the task at hand – a good thing, because Shepard had somehow managed to turn an even darker shade of red as he sunk down further under his covers out of embarrassment.

"Dr. Chakwas, are you there?" he asked after having opened their channel, trying to keep his voice calm and steady.

"Yes Lieutenant, is there anything you need?" came the answer over the med bay's intercom. Of course, having her sound like she was all around them, omniscient and all-powerful, didn't quite help with the trepidation.

"Well, not really _need,_ it's just…" _Okay Alenko, you can do this._ "…I was wondering if there was any specific reason why the med bay's cameras have been turned on?" he asked. "I tend to find it a bit hard to sleep or rest whenever I feel like I'm being observed, you know, so…" _Oh yeah,_ _ **that**_ _sounded completely disinterested._

For a few seconds, his question was met with silence, and Kaidan closed his eyes, not wanting to meet Shepard's gaze right now. He needed to stay calm.

"Well, initially, I wanted to make sure you wouldn't be in any visible distress upon regaining consciousness," Dr. Chakwas finally answered, tone open and honest. "But you know, _the strangest thing happened_. After you woke up, I stopped paying attention to the video feed and I believe there was a malfunction," she added, and Kaidan could almost hear the smile in her voice. "All of the data has been lost. By the time I got it back into working order, you were climbing onto that railing."

"Uh-huh," Shepard muttered, flopping back against his pillows and staring up at the ceiling, rubbing a hand across the bridge of his nose as though he might be able to will the color out of his cheeks. "Um… thanks, Doctor," he finally said, not bothering to look at Kaidan or the radio clutched in his hand. He wasn't really in the mood to play any games concerning what had or hadn't been seen – as far as he was aware, Chakwas was being tactful and if anything, she was going out of her way to help them. And despite the initial embarrassment at having been caught making out with one of his subordinates, he felt safe in the fact that they likely wouldn't face any recourse due to Chakwas' actions. And he truly, honestly appreciated that.

"I see," Kaidan answered, trying to sound as casual about it as he could. "You know, if the problem ever persists…"

"I'll be sure to let you have a look at it," the doctor answered kindly. "And I'll shut down the cameras to make sure you two can rest easy for the rest of the day," she added. True to her words, Kaidan saw the little flashing red light go dark. He smiled, allowing himself to relax for real this time, a certain amount of relief washing over him.

"Thanks, doctor. It's much appreciated," he said genuinely "And I promise we won't abuse your trust. We'll behave," he vowed, grateful for her compassion and understanding.

"I'll hold you to that. I'll be on standby if you two need anything else. Until then, take it easy, everything's safe," she said, and Kaidan knew that there was definitely more meaning to that.

"Okay, thanks again," he answered, before cutting the communications.

"Well, that wasn't too bad, was it?" the Lieutenant asked, turning in Shepard's direction, though there was still a bit of hesitation in his voice.

"Yeah," Shepard muttered, rubbing his hand across his face a moment longer before letting it rest in his lap. "I'm just glad Chakwas is on our side. I definitely don't fancy the idea of having to explain to a superior why there's med bay security footage of my Lieutenant and I going at it," he said, before snorting lightly. "I don't think ' _he fell and I caught him with my lips_ ' counts as a valid excuse."

He sighed heavily, before reaching up with both hands and smoothing his palms over the fine layer of black stubble on his skull, pausing to scratch the edge of his amp port with an uncomfortable expression. "Let's just keep our hands to ourselves until visiting hours are over. Knowing our luck, Ash would walk in on us. Again."

"Agreed," Kaidan answered with a small nod. "Though I'd be a lot more concerned about Navigator Pressly suddenly walking in here to ask you a question than I am about Ash catching us in the act again," he pointed out, a shiver running down his spine at the prospect.

"But do me a favor, if something like that ever happens, let me make up the excuses," he added with a little smirk. " _'We were on drugs and pretty confused. So I thought that Shepard had stopped breathing again, and thus immediately proceeded with giving him mouth-to-mouth'_ already sounds a bit more plausible than yours," he teased good-naturedly.

Shepard rolled his eyes. "Yeah, because he'll _totally_ believe that one," he said, before making a face. "I'm not sure on what planet CPR includes fondling and moaning, but I think ' _we were high'_ covers most of the bases."

He sighed, before gently rolling onto his side against so he could better face the other man, shifting around until he could bend his arm up underneath his head into a slightly more comfortable position. "Either way… Thank you, Kaidan," he said, a soft smile working its way across his lips. "We wouldn't have made it if it hadn't been for you."

"Come on now, Dr. Chakwas isn't that bad," Kaidan teased with a half-smile. "A bit of a hard-ass, sure. But ah, to my knowledge, she hasn't killed anyone yet – at least not intentionally," he added, unable to resist deflecting Shepard's expression of gratitude with humor. Receiving praises or thanks had always made him feel a little self-conscious, especially when he personally felt like he'd only been doing his duty.

But Shepard's words were sincere… And somehow, he couldn't help but feel that dismissing the other man's gratefulness so casually would make it sound like he didn't give much importance to his own actions. And nothing could be further from the truth. Sure, Kaidan would have been ready to fight to protect and save the life of any fellow soldier out there. But he knew that one of the reasons why they'd successfully pulled through together was because they had both been so emotionally invested in the situation.

He sighed, pushing back any lingering feeling of embarrassment and allowing himself to simply be genuine instead. "You're welcome, Marco," he said quietly, returning Shepard's soft smile with a hint of tenderness in his voice. "But I don't think that I would have been able to make it without you, either." His eyes twinkled and his smile widened a little. "After all, you did successfully revive me with a kiss. That was quite the… ah… rescue."

Shepard's expression turned a bit sheepish, but he laughed all the same. "Yeah, to be honest, I wasn't expecting that to work," he admitted, reaching up to rub the side of his neck in embarrassment. "I guess a small part of me was hoping you'd wake up and kick me for being so forward," he teased, grinning, before his expression fell a bit, turning into something more serious as his tone dropped. "I'm just glad that our first kiss didn't have to be our last."

"So am I…" Kaidan answered softly, remembering how close they had been to being lost out there. "…and I'm grateful that you did risk it. If those _had_ been my final moments, then you would have made them pretty perfect," he added a bit shyly, thinking that leaving this world in the arms of the man you loved, with his lips and body tightly pressed against your own, entirely wrapped up in each other, definitely wasn't a bad way to go. Of course, it would be _a thousand times better_ if something like that ended up happening after having shared many long, happy and fulfilling years together. But with the dangers of their mission, and death looming at every corner, they had to learn to appreciate every single moment they were given, and not take anything for granted.

Shepard found himself smiling again, and he shook his head. "I would agree with you, but at this point, I don't want to have to judge how perfect my final moments are until I've had some time to wait for them," he said, shifting enough that he could reach over and gently trace a hand down the side of Kaidan's face. "I'd like to enjoy this – to enjoy _us_ a little bit longer. If that's all right with you," he said, unable to keep from grinning a bit – this felt so awkward to him, but at the same time, he couldn't help but feel like it was _right_. He didn't have the experience to judge, but... this felt good.

"Hmmm…" Kaidan closed his eyes and leaned into Shepard's touch, taking a few deep breaths and allowing himself to simply enjoy the moment. "You're right… I definitely want all the time we can get," he whispered, opening his eyes and reaching up to gently grab Shepard's hand, holding it into place while he turned his head a little to the side, so he could lay a soft kiss in the middle of his palm.

Resting his cheek back on the pillow, and lazily staring into Shepard's beautiful grey eyes, he had to wonder how it was possible to feel so utterly at peace with oneself and the rest of the Universe; and yet so very anxious and excited. Two extremes that, instead of competing each other for control or dominance, were strangely managing to co-exist in near perfect harmony.

A bit like Shepard himself, perhaps. A great symphony of contrasts and opposites that, put together, created a certain exquisite balance that never ceased to amaze and fascinate him. Strength and vulnerability… Raw power combined with refined grace… Shepard could be the fierce warrior, cold and unyielding in the face of the enemy or anyone seeking to manipulate him and make him waste his time - politicians, especially – and then become the gentle and comforting protector, showing an impressive level of patience and empathy towards those he was trying to help.

So many variations that never felt forced, or even out of place… All of these dualities always seemed to remain an authentic part of who Shepard _was_. It was only when he actively sought to hide or suppress them that Kaidan could perceive some dissonance… When certain qualities, that were wrongfully perceived as weaknesses or undesirable traits, weren't given any chance to be expressed.

But here, there was no reason to hide or to feel ashamed. The man staring back at him with a gentle and loving smile was whole… As a matter of fact, so was he. Kaidan felt a bit like the lost piece of a puzzle that had finally found its rightful place. Some people often felt like a piece of the puzzle had been missing _from_ their lives… However, in his case, Kaidan was under the clear impression that _he_ had spent his whole life looking for the right place to fit. Being around Shepard was making him feel like he belonged to something bigger… Something greater… Most importantly, Shepard made him feel that he belonged with _him_ , too. It wasn't a feeling that he'd often been given the chance to experience – if ever – but he liked it. No – scratch that – it was the best goddamn feeling in the world.

He may have believed Shepard to be crazy once… But maybe a little "crazy" was exactly what had been missing from his life all along.

"Have I ever told you how close I came to asking for a transfer after our first mission on Eden Prime?" he asked a bit teasingly, voice filled with laughter and affection. "I thought you were a complete nutcase… Albeit the cutest nutcase I'd ever seen," he added with a tender smile. "But yeah, totally crazy."

"Mm," Shepard hummed, lips pursing into a slight pout. "You know, I'd try to pretend like I was offended by that, but I wouldn't be able to keep a straight face," he replied, pout quirking into a slight smirk. "I _am_ a nutcase. Makes things more fun than being sane. Besides, when you're a Vanguard, crazy comes with the territory. I've never met one who didn't have at least a couple of screws loose."

He slid his hand away from Kaidan's face after a moment, tucking it back under his pillow. "I'm glad I won you over with my good looks and charming disposition," he said, still grinning. "Now if only that was enough to keep the rest of the crew around when things start to get hairy. I don't know how receptive Wrex would be if I started flirting with him."

"Oh God!" Kaidan said with a hearty laugh. "Please, don't. Just in case Wrex became _too_ receptive, and I'd end up having to wrestle a krogan in order to win your affection," he teased. "Not that I wouldn't! After all, I already faced a thresher maw one-on-one, so…" he trailed off, brows knitting together as he seemed to give it some more thought.

"Come to think of it, do you have any jealous exes out there that I should know about?" he asked with a half-smile. "You know, some angry, heartbroken, massive elcor stud traveling the galaxy, determined to crush anyone that would ever dare come between you two?"

Shepard snickered. "Yeah, and he wears a white suit and has a really good evil laugh," he said, unable to keep from rolling his eyes. "He's pulling all of my exes together into an army. Hope you're ready."

He sighed heavily, shifting positions as his grin faded into a slight smile. "Funny thing, though. I don't have any exes. You're… um… you're the first person I've…" he said, trailing off for a moment – his expression flickered in embarrassment, but he covered it with another smile. "Don't worry, no evil exes. As funny as it would be to watch you do battle with a jealous elcor."

" _Really?"_ Kaidan asked, unable to hide his shock at Shepard's admission. While he knew that he was the first person that the other man had ever felt comfortable enough with to open up about a few more personal and intimate issues; he was still a bit surprised to learn that he'd never actually been in a relationship.

Unlike himself, Shepard appeared to be very at ease around people, and naturally outgoing. Not to mention that he was a highly charismatic individual, and people tended to respond remarkably well to his "good looks and charming disposition," as he'd put it earlier. Even the asari consort had shown rather strong signs of interest in him…

"Not even a more casual frequentation? _Nothing?_ " he insisted, completely oblivious to the fact that his astonishment could very well end up being misinterpreted, or become the source of more embarrassment.

After all, wasn't Shepard the one that had suggested that a bunch of teenagers alone together on a space station would no doubt find some way to "occupy the time?" While Kaidan found it personally difficult - if not impossible - to physically get close to someone without a very strong emotional connection and a feeling of absolute trust; he was well aware that this wasn't the case for everyone. And he was actually perfectly okay with that.

He'd never had any big romantic notion of "waiting for the right person" to share his first kiss with; or any of that "having to wait until after you're married to have sex with the one you love" nonsense, either. So the idea of being in a relationship with someone that had had a few different romantic partners before him didn't bother him in the least. Especially considering that, at thirty-two, it would be a bit silly to expect otherwise.

Falling in love with someone about his own age who was just as inexperienced when it came to intimate relationships actually seemed pretty unlikely. Hence why he was staring back at Shepard with his eyes wide and mouth slightly opened.

"Um… yeah," Shepard admitted, unable to keep from going slightly red at the way Kaidan was staring at him. "Never. I mean, I had a guy I used to hold hands with back on Mindoir but, well, I don't think that counts."

His expression fell a bit. "I've been so caught up in my commitment to the Alliance that I never really _looked_ for anyone," he explained, brow furrowing. "I didn't take shore leaves and I refused to break regs. And I know there are still guys out there who aren't comfortable around… my _kind_ … so I always kind of kept to myself. I didn't want to freak out the people I shared a shower room with, y'know?"

Shepard couldn't keep from sighing heavily, passing a hand over his face for a moment before continuing. "I know that's an old-fashioned way of thinking – I mean, if loving an alien is socially acceptable then who the hell has the right to tell me I can't love another man – and it's a minority, but it's a vocal minority and I never really wanted to fight it."

He couldn't stop the discomfort from settling in the pit of his stomach – he wasn't used to talking about these kinds of things. But if he had already opened up enough to share some of his darkest thoughts with the man lying across from him, talking about his sexuality should have been small change. He just wasn't sure why it was so difficult.

"What about you? Any jealous exes _I'm_ gonna have to fight?"

Kaidan smiled softly. "Well, considering that my first _and_ last 'hand holding partner' became scared of me…" he began, noticing with a certain amount of wonder that saying it out loud didn't hurt as much as it used to. Actually, it didn't appear to hurt at all anymore. "…I'm afraid that you won't be facing a lot of opposition, or even comparison."

"You know, it's funny," he mused, considering what Shepard had just told him "Since I grew up as a biotic, and have always been perceived as different or even 'deviant' by the people around me, my sexual orientation isn't something that I've really thought about."

He shrugged a little. "I guess I figured that since people were always going to be distrustful or wary of me anyway, I might as well just follow my instincts and desires when the opportunity would present itself," he explained, looking away thoughtfully for a few seconds. "Turns out opportunities have been a bit difficult to come by. Or maybe _I'm_ just difficult, or choosy, or… I don't know…" he trailed off, before looking back up at Shepard with renewed interest.

"This one time, at brain camp, while I was recovering from a bad headache during class hours, two girls came into the boys' dorm and began to kiss and touch each other on the bed right next to mine," he began, sitting up on his gurney cross-legged and facing Shepard, waiting for him to do the same and get himself comfortable before continuing. "As I was about to excuse myself from the room to offer them some privacy, they said that they actually knew that I was there when they first came in, and invited me to join in."

He noticed that Shepard's eyebrows had shot upwards at that, and a knowing smirk was slowly spreading across his lips. He didn't say anything, however, allowing Kaidan to continue uninterrupted.

"And I just _couldn't_ do it," Kaidan said after a small pause, remembering how, back then, he'd really thought that there was something incredibly wrong with him. "They did manage to convince me to stay and watch from my own bunk instead, because they thought that being watched while they were making out and having sex was really exciting…"

"I mean, don't get me wrong, they were two really beautiful girls, the whole setup was, ah, kinda hot…" Actually, Kaidan was fully aware that he'd probably just described the greatest sexual fantasy of the vast majority of 17 year-old boys. "…and I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't totally get off just from watching them, but… I don't know," he said, shrugging and letting out a slightly frustrated sigh. "For some reason, I feel unable to engage in any form of direct sexual activity with another person if I don't feel a very strong sense of attachment to my partner."

"If I'm going to let someone kiss or touch me, I need it to mean something, you know?" he explained, searching Shepard's gaze for any sign that the other man understood what he was trying to say. "It's like I haven't really learned to distance my body from my emotions. And if I can't be comfortable feeling 'emotionally naked' with someone, well…" he trailed off, feeling a bit self-conscious all of a sudden. "Okay, that didn't sound weird at all."

Shepard couldn't keep from laughing – not quite the reaction Kaidan had expected or was comfortable with, but he immediately stopped himself and shook his head with a wide grin. "That's not weird at all, Kaidan. That's about as normal as you can get, actually," he replied, reaching over and laying a hand comfortingly on the other man's knee. "You view sex as something meaningful. You _are_ a romantic, after all," he said, still grinning. "And I admire the hell out of that."

He couldn't keep from chuckling again, however. "And I'm getting this mental image of you watching a couple of brain camp girls making out right next to you and it's kind of funny."

Kaidan chuckled, too, though his laugh had a slightly more nervous quality to it. "Yeah, that was uh… really something."

Looking back at Shepard, it suddenly occurred to him just how much he loved seeing him smile… Not the kind of smile you faked or pasted on your face in order to be polite, or to avoid making others uncomfortable. Not the kind of smile that you tried to force in the hopes of making yourself feel better, or of shielding your emotions from the world. A _real_ smile – one that originated from within, and naturally came out whenever you felt safe, relaxed, and happy.

It was exactly the kind of smile that, right now, was reaching Shepard's eyes, and completely illuminating his features. It was beautiful, and sweet, and bewitching, and… he simply loved it. So much, actually, that he was perfectly able to envision spending the rest of his life trying to find new ways to make him smile.

"And you can probably imagine how terribly flustered I was at first," he said, fully aware that, even today, he tended to have a rather bashful disposition that the Commander had no doubt already noticed. "I mean, I was so scared that they would take my refusal the wrong way, that I started babbling about how beautiful and attractive they were; but that there was this girl that I kinda liked. _Actually, she and I were just friends!_ Maybe she had no interest in me beyond that, and we hadn't promised each other anything. Still, my heart wouldn't be into it, and I felt that it would simply be unfair to them – _not that I thought that they had feelings for me or anything!_ Or, you know, for each other – _not that they shouldn't have feelings for each other!_ Just that I wouldn't pass judgment on them if they didn't – _not that I thought someone should!_ Just that some guys could be real jerks sometimes – _not that I thought I was any better than the other guys!_ " He let out a small, self-deprecating laugh. "So yeah, I was obviously the very epitome of cool-headedness back then."

"Thankfully, the girls were extremely nice and understanding. They knew that Rahna and I seemed to be close, so they hadn't truly expected me to accept. Still, they had believed that it was worth the shot," he said with a little half-smile.

"One of the girls, Lydia I think, shared a few sentinel training classes with me. She told me that, since I was one of the most skilled and powerful biotics of brain camp, they would have been very intrigued to experience firsthand what I could possibly do with them," Kaidan explained, remembering that, as it turned out, skipping classes that particular afternoon had been more than worth it. Not only had the headaches quickly cleared right out, but it hadn't stopped him from learning a thing or two. "To prove her point, she activated her biotics, and began to do things that you'd usually see on an extranet asari fetish site. Even if all I did was watch, the experience was very, ah, _educational_."

Shepard stared at him for a long moment in silence, before he very suddenly broke down into a giggling fit, doing his best to stifle himself with his hand. He couldn't even muster up the effort required to feel embarrassed for laughing like a thirteen-year-old girl, but he couldn't help himself. "Oh my god, _really?_ I'm going to assume this is a story you've kept to yourself – I can only imagine what would happen if someone like _Joker_ knew that you had a teenage boy's fantasy fall into your lap without you even having to try. He'd never let you hear the end of it, I swear."

Kaidan smiled fondly, looking both amused by Shepard's fit of laughter and completely smitten with the man himself. His comment also struck him as funny, somehow. He had to wonder if Shepard realized just how many men and women out there would probably fantasize about being in his very position right now – sharing an illicit and exciting romance with the great Commander Shepard, humanity's very first human Spectre.

Of course, the reason why he had been attracted to Marco, and had ultimately fallen in love with him, had absolutely nothing to do with his Spectre status or how famous he was. If anything, he hoped that he would be able to bring some sense of normalcy into Shepard's life, and had every intention to keep on treating him as a regular individual. Well, outside of work hours when ranks and protocol _did_ matter, that is.

Shepard shook his head, quelling the laughter long enough to wipe his eyes with the back of his hand. "I'm sorry, this is just – I can't help it, I don't know why it's so funny," he said in mock resignation, lips quivering back into a barely restrained smirk. "So, um, did you learn anything useful about biotics in the bedroom? Just curious."

Kaidan's grin widened ever so slightly, a predatory glint reflecting in his eyes. "You know, I think I'm going to hold on to that knowledge… _for now_ ," he said a bit seductively. "This is something I have a feeling I would much rather show you."

"Oh _really?_ " Shepard asked, lowering his voice and plastering on a faux-flirty smirk. "I guess you'll just have to surprise me then, Lieutenant. You're pretty good at that."

It was all Kaidan could do not to start blushing. _Again._ To tell the truth, he was actually starting to surprise even himself. ' _God Alenko, when did you turn into such a flirt?'_ he thought, amused, but then figured that it probably had a lot to do with the man in front of him.

Shepard was making him comfortable enough to explore some facets of his personality that had otherwise remained hidden – _until now_ , at least. And though he wouldn't have been _bothered_ by Shepard having been more experienced than he was when it came to intimacy and romance, he had to admit that the fact that they were both kind of new at this made him feel a little more confident.

Kaidan didn't get a chance to respond, however – the door to the med bay suddenly slid open, interrupting their chat and causing the both of them to jump in surprise. Shepard leaned to the side to look around Kaidan as he twisted back to look towards the door, and both were met with the sight of Garrus simultaneously holding two food trays and trying to cover his eyes with one clawed hand.

"Are you two decent? I don't want to drop the food everywhere."

Shepard rolled his eyes, feeling the back of his neck heat up and willing himself not to turn red in embarrassment, instead pasting on an indignant look. "We're fine, Garrus. Just talking. You can come in."

"Good, I'd rather not explain to Chakwas why there's meat substitute on her med bay floor." The turian immediately went to shift the trays around so he could carry them properly with both hands, approaching the two men in their gurneys and laying each tray down on the sheets next to them.

"Thanks," Kaidan murmured with a little grateful nod, the sight and especially smell of the food immediately reminding him of how very hungry he was. He'd let Shepard carry on with the customary greetings. As far as he was concerned, there was a meatloaf – or a "meatloaf substitute" at least – that was requesting his complete and immediate attention.

Garrus looked between the two with a scrutinizing eye, mandibles flaring into what might have been the turian equivalent of a smirk. "Two marines get stranded in the middle of a blizzard, attacked by a thresher maw, and all they get is a little frostbite. I can't decide if I want to be shocked or amused."

"How about both?" Shepard quipped with a slight grin, before reaching over and grabbing the protein shake sitting on his tray. He unscrewed the cap and took a swig, making a face as he did so. "Bleh. All right, Garrus, any reason why you're bringing us our food? Pursuing your lifelong dream of becoming a waiter? Or did you piss off the mess sergeant again?"

It was Garrus' turn to look indignant. "What, I can't offer to bring you your food as a concerned friend?" he asked, putting on an affected voice. "I'm hurt, Shepard."

Shepard snorted. "Sure you are."

Garrus shook his head, mandibles twitching as he grinned again. "Actually, I thought I'd try my hand at being the first guy to get the whole story. Wrex has been practically rolling around out there wanting to know how Lieutenant Alenko here killed a thresher maw on foot. Considering the fact that I was the one who was down there with you guys and got to sit on my ass with a bunch of scared-stiff lab coats in that facility without knowing whether you guys were alive or dead… I figured I earned it."

"So," Garrus continued, dragging a chair next to Kaidan's bed and dropping down into it, leaning forwards with his elbows on his knees, "how'd you do it, Alenko? It's not every day your dumbass of a Commander gets knocked out in the middle of a fight and you have to save the day, against a thresher no less."

"Humph?" Kaidan said, looking up with a slightly confused look on his face. He was simultaneously grateful for two things – first, that having his mouth filled with food was allowing him to take a pause, and think things through before offering any answer. And second, that the fact that he'd been so completely engrossed in his meal until then could actually be used as a convenient excuse for his sudden confusion.

Shepard seemed to freeze up for the shortest of moments at Garrus' question, before casting a quick glance towards Kaidan that practically screamed '… _I'll explain later.'_ Thankfully the turian was rather intently looking at Kaidan as he waited for an answer, so he didn't catch Shepard's look.

So, they obviously owed more to Dr. Chakwas than a convenient med bay camera malfunction. It suddenly occurred to Kaidan that using the time they had spent alone together in order to agree on an "official version" of what had happened on Gellix might have been a good idea.

"I'm sorry, how did I do what?" Kaidan asked, feigning distraction. "I ah… I think my stomach took over my brain for a few minutes there, and I completely lost track of what you guys were saying," he added with a slightly embarrassed laugh, hoping that Garrus would buy it.

Garrus rolled his eyes, unable to keep from shaking his head again. "I just wanted to know how you managed to take down that thresher while Shepard here took a nap," he repeated, earning a withering glare from the Commander that he promptly ignored. "Looked like it thrashed the hell out of the Mako before you guys bailed." His expression changed, however, as though he had suddenly remembered something. "Speaking of which, we picked up another one from the nearest Alliance base down there on Gellix. I'm blaming you two for how long it's going to take to calibrate the guns on the new one."

Shepard snorted again. "Quit your bitching, Vakarian," he said, grinning a bit, "You know you enjoy it."

"I enjoy calibrating guns, yes, but I don't enjoy starting over because a maw ate the last one," Garrus shot back.

"It didn't _eat_ it," Shepard corrected, before taking another drink of his protein shake and swallowing with a grimace. "It just sort of threw up acid all over it."

"Yeah, well as bad as we got hit, you really should've seen the _other guy_ , Shepard," Kaidan commented with a bit of a smug smile and a side-glance in the Commander's direction. While boasting definitely wasn't his style, he had to admit that he was starting to believe that _maybe_ defeating a thresher maw on his own was _a little_ impressive, and something that he should allow himself to feel _a little_ proud about, too.

"And since you're bringing up the Mako, Garrus, just so you guys know, from now on, everyone on the squad will be taking turns with driving it, and _especially_ operating the cannon and big guns on that thing," Kaidan said, crossing his arms and looking at the turian pointedly. "No one should ever have to play cat-and-mouse with a giant carnivorous worm without some solid experience with that vehicle," he added, giving Shepard a slightly stern look to make it clear that this request was not negotiable.

"Making jokes about Shepard 'taking a nap' might seem funny now that the danger's passed, but the truth is that if I hadn't actually _read that fucking manual_ and received some basic piloting training in the past, by the time I'd managed to figure out which buttons to push, we'd probably have been at the bottom of that maw's stomach."

He felt a little bad for darkening the mood, and almost making it sound like a reprimand, but he didn't want anyone else to have to face a similar situation without being as prepared as they could possibly be, at least.

Still, he offered Garrus a small smile, trying to make it clear that he wasn't actually mad at either of them, but simply being cautious. "The weapons system was perfectly calibrated and maintained, though. The precision of that targeting system, especially, was very impressive and almost made up for my lack of experience at operating the Mako. It probably saved our lives more than once, too. So we really owe you for that. Thanks."

The somewhat surprised look that had crossed Garrus' face as Kaidan reprimanded the both of them was quickly wiped away, and the turian leaned back in his chair, arms crossing as one of the ridges above his eyes bowed upwards. "I'm glad to hear that, Lieutenant," he admitted, before his tone grew serious. "But I agree; we need to set up seating rotations, and make sure the crew has at the very least basic hands-on training."

Shepard looked between the both of them, somewhat taken aback by Garrus' admission. "Really, Garrus? You'd let someone else touch your guns?" he asked, feigning surprise – he faltered at the look Kaidan gave him, however, and coughed, putting back on his serious face. "No, you're right. I'll make sure to put forward an official order for mandatory training for both seats in the Mako. I'm not putting anyone else on my squad in danger if something like this were to happen again. Not if I can help it."

"Thanks, Commander," Kaidan said, offering him a grateful smile. "I really appreciate that." In fact he was rather satisfied that they both had agreed to it. "And I'm not suggesting to let anyone else calibrate – or even tamper with – Garrus' guns, you know. Just as long as they know how to handle and fire them." Garrus snickered in response.

"I'm afraid I'm going to have to disappoint Wrex, though," Kaidan added with a light chuckle, shaking his head a little. "The thresher was already in pretty rough shape by the time that we had to evacuate the Mako," he explained, exposing the facts without embellishment. "In fact, I thought it was dead. So I dragged Shepard out of the vehicle – unsuccessfully managing to avoid getting his armor in contact with the acid – and once I thought that we were finally safe, the damn thing sprang back to life!" he recalled, a shiver running down his spine at the memory.

"I reaved its nervous system with my biotics. It went down – _for good_ this time – I was able to activate the distress signal, and then carry Shepard to shelter. The rest, Dr. Chakwas probably already told you about." Or, at least, Kaidan hoped that she did. He didn't really feel like getting over the details of how the Commander had almost died on him back there. The emotions were still a bit too raw, and if he could avoid a situation where he would most likely end up completely breaking down in Shepard's arms right in front of the turian, he'd appreciate it.

Shepard seemed to sense his apprehension, because he suddenly reached over and gave Kaidan a reassuring squeeze on the knee, flashing him a soft smile. "Yeah. If it weren't for Kaidan, I wouldn't be here right now. I'm starting to think I need to keep a tally because I owe him several drinks by now," he teased.

Kaidan initial surprise at Shepard's small public display of affection – or well, _support_ – quickly dissipated, and he found himself returning the smile with a somewhat bashful sidelong glance. He was grateful that they had succeeded in deactivating the alarms on their heart rate monitors earlier, because he knew that his must have been racing once again. If the pounding in his chest and the slight giddiness he felt was any indication, at least.

The fact that Shepard had both sensed his distress, and immediately reached out to comfort him – regardless of how such a gesture could be interpreted – made Kaidan feel like he was important enough for him to take some risks and avoid holding back. And _that_ made him feel incredibly happy, for some reason. He had to wonder if he'd ever stop falling even deeper in love with that man…

They both looked over to see Garrus giving them a knowing look, and Shepard's hand left Kaidan's leg as he gave an awkward cough; while Kaidan quickly brought his attention back to his food, staring at his plate perhaps a tad too intently. "Still. Reaving a thresher maw, no matter how shot up it is – that's pretty impressive, Lieutenant," Garrus said, giving Kaidan an acknowledging tilt of his head. "I'm not suggesting you get a – what do you humans call it? An inflated skull? – over it, but still. I'd be proud if I were you."

"Yeah. I am, I guess," he replied with a small sigh, finally finding the courage to look up again. "I mean, I'd be lying if I said that I am not pleased with the actual outcome of my actions back there…" he trailed off, doing his best to avoid staring meaningfully at Shepard once again.

"My Commander and I made it out alive and without permanent injuries." Not to mention that whole part about them being given the chance to come to terms with their feelings for each other, initiate a deeper relationship, and… well… a healthy level of physical contact. "So although I unfortunately had to sacrifice the Mako, I'm forced to admit that, overall, I did pretty good."

Shepard grinned at him, lifting his protein shake in a mock toast. "Aye aye, Lieutenant. You did good," he acknowledged, before taking a swig of the drink and managing to hold back from making another face. "On second thought, toasts are better with alcohol." Kaidan snickered at him, and Shepard only grinned a little wider at that.

While Kaidan had been trained to handle more regular combat situations usually involving actual enemy forces, and was now even getting pretty used to fighting Saren's army of synthetics, he had to admit that going one-on-one with a gigantic wild creature wasn't something that he'd ever been truly prepared for.

So the knowledge that, despite it all, he'd been able to handle himself out there, and deal with such unexpected variables on a mission, did make him feel rather good about his abilities as a soldier. If he'd ever had any doubts whether or not he actually deserved to have made it on Commander Shepard's team, working alongside the very first human Spectre, this was exactly the kind of stuff that was likely to succeed in making him feel like he truly belonged there.

Of course, he entertained no illusion of ever making it as far as Shepard had, at least not career wise. Captain Anderson had once hinted that he believed that Kaidan had strong leadership capabilities, and _maybe_ he did. But, as far as he was concerned, that was not where he felt happier, or even most useful.

It wasn't that he lacked ambition, or even that he didn't trust that he would be able to make the hard calls if the situation ever asked for it. But the truth was that Kaidan simply and genuinely enjoyed to assist and to help people, especially those in Shepard's position. As his Lieutenant, he was allowed and even encouraged to find ways to make things easier for the Commander, and also more effective for the rest of the crew and their mission.

And since Shepard was a smart and very capable leader that valued his crew's opinion, and appreciated their personal input, it made his work even more enjoyable – rewarding, even. Not having to carry the full responsibility of their mission allowed him to take a step back, gain a certain perspective on things, remain inconspicuous, and keep an eye out for anything that Shepard might have missed. The dirty looks that ambassador Udina was sending him behind his back, for example.

Regardless of his personal feelings for the Commander, Kaidan found that, given the choice, he preferred to be in a position where he could have said Commander's back, do his best to offer him empathy and support, and to basically take the pressure off of him, rather than being the one directly calling the shots. Even on previous assignments, he'd always been able to efficiently anticipate his C.O.'s needs, and respond appropriately. To show initiative and take a few extra steps in order to help out, instead of simply "doing his job," and sticking strictly to what was expected of him.

Sure, he may have flirted with insubordination every once in a while, but he was also pretty good at sensing when he was getting dangerously close to crossing his superior's tolerance limits.

However, the fact that he sometimes sought to share responsibility with those in command, because he was somewhat aware of how ridiculously demanding and stressful being in that position was, didn't mean that he wished to take over.

Not to mention that he didn't really need any public recognition for his work. He had always managed to find his own satisfaction and motivation from simply witnessing the result of his actions, and from knowing that he had respected the personal standards that he'd chosen to set for himself.

To put it simply, as long as Kaidan knew that he was acting with integrity, respecting and supporting his fellow squad mates as best he could, avoiding letting his commanding officer down, performing to the best of his abilities, and putting the success of the mission above anything else, he was perfectly happy.

Getting an "inflated skull" – as Garrus had put it – was thus very unlikely, since it would require completely losing sight of who he was, and the reasons why he had chosen to serve and become an Alliance soldier.

While he wasn't exactly comfortable with, or even used to the attention he was now receiving, he had to admit that getting some level of recognition for his efforts from his Commander, as well as other fellow soldiers – whether they were Alliance or not – did mean a lot to him, though.

"Please don't get me wrong, I'm glad that you guys seem impressed with what I did down there," he added with a sincere smile. "And I'm not trying to downplay it, it's just… I really feel like I was only doing my job, you know?" he said, hoping that they would understand where he was coming from, and not think that he was falsely being modest.

"While all of this was going on, I barely had the time to realize what I was doing. All I knew was that I had to keep Shepard safe," he explained, then chuckled a little. "Maybe I just need some more time before it really hits, and I start making plans to go game hunting on Tuchanka with Wrex."

Garrus couldn't keep from snickering again. "Oh, that'd be a sight to see. Thresher maw hunting with Urdnot Wrex and Kaidan Alenko. Think we could make an extranet show out of it?"

Shepard rolled his eyes, setting down his protein shake and swirling some of the meat substitute on the plate with a fork. "Let's worry about hair-brained show ideas after we take down Saren," he said, taking a moment to point his fork at Garrus with a hard look. "So. While we were freezing our nuts off in that cave, what the hell was happening on your end, Vakarian?"

Garrus' mandibles twitched into a half-grin. "Would you believe me if I told you a whole load of nothing?"

Shepard stared at him for a moment, one dark eyebrow twitching upwards. "Knowing you? No."

"Sorry to disappoint you, Commander, but that's exactly what happened," the turian said, shrugging heavily. "I was patrolling the perimeter of the facility, making sure there weren't any slavers hiding in wait anywhere, when one of the scientists pinged me. She was freaking out, said they were watching your progress on the radar and when you reached the site of the distress signal… well, things went a little crazy for a few minutes and then suddenly _your_ distress signal was going off."

"Sounds about right," Shepard said, somewhat under his breath.

"I contacted the Normandy immediately," Garrus continued, scratching at the side of his neck with a talon as he recalled the events from before. "I was ready to jump into the remaining vehicle there, but it wasn't equipped for combat and we had no idea what had happened to either of you. We tried to hail you multiple times but you weren't answering – considering the fact that half of the equipment in the Mako was fried from maw acid, that makes sense now."

He shifted in his seat. "Things were really tense at first – I wanted to find you immediately, Pressly said we had protocols to follow, I may or may not have yelled at him," he explained, looking to the side with a somewhat sheepish look. "The Normandy made an emergency drop at the nearest Alliance facility on Gellix and rounded up a fully equipped Mako and a medical rover. I took the research vehicle and met them at a drop zone not far from your location – then we gathered up and headed towards the Mako's crash site.

"Of course, you're probably aware of what we found," Garrus said, giving Kaidan a pointed look. "Two wrecked vehicles, multiple bodies, and a dead thresher maw. Neither of you were among the bodies, and we knew you had to have been alive long enough to activate the distress signal and grab the Mako's emergency kit. The blizzard had already covered your tracks but Williams figured that the two of you had probably headed towards the nearest caves. And the rest – well, you know the rest."

_Yeah, Ash caught us making out in our small clothes…_ Kaidan thought, smiling to himself. "Yeah, and it's good you guys got to us when you did, too," he said, instead. "I don't think we would have been able to last much longer."

The silence that followed made him realize that the thought had probably crossed Garrus' mind, too. As scared as they had been not to be found in time, chances were that the rest of their squad had been worried sick about them in the meantime. Actually, Kaidan realized, "squad" was probably too weak a term. Garrus, Ash, Tali, Liara, and even Wrex… It was difficult not to think of them as any less than friends. And very good ones, too.

He also knew that Shepard and Garrus had gotten especially close over the last few months. Not in the same way that the Commander and he had, obviously. But still, they were brothers in all but blood. So the way that the turian was looking at his hands with what _might_ be interpreted as a sad and pensive frown, the Lieutenant worried that he was second-guessing his actions, and feeling guilt over the fact that they'd almost been too late to save them.

"I'm glad that you stuck to protocol and didn't do anything stupid like coming to our rescue on your own, riding a weaponless research vehicle, and armed with a single sniper rifle, though," Kaidan told him sincerely, offering him a warm smile when he finally looked up. "If I had failed to defeat that thresher maw, or we had gotten ambushed by a group of angry and heavily armed batarians, then you'd most likely have gotten yourself killed."

Garrus' mandibles twitched as he let out a throaty laugh. "Don't underestimate me, Alenko. All I need is a single sniper rifle," he said, offering him a deliberate wink. "Without protocol getting in the way I'd probably have a gold medal by now."

Shepard didn't even bother to conceal his snort. "Tell you what, Garrus, I'll get you a gold star sticker. You can put it wherever you like," he replied, grinning cheekily at the turian and receiving a rude glare in response. "Seriously, though, I'm glad you followed protocol. Things… they could have gone a lot worse if you hadn't. They'd probably have three corpses on their hands, and I don't think going out as a turian-popsicle is your top priority."

Garrus huffed. "Jeez, you too? I can see that neither of you have much faith in me! What do I have to do to get a little respect around here?"

"I dunno. I'll let you know when it happens," Shepard replied, still grinning.

"Oh. Well _that's_ reassuring."

"You can't have everything, Garrus," Kaidan teased with a small shrug. "The looks, the swagger, the girls, the respect… Speaking of which, are you really trying to convert the whole crew to xenophilia?" he asked, eyeing the _Fornax_ magazine. "And here I thought that Ash was special, you know. She might be disappointed."

"No, I was just curious to see if either of you were into elcor. Lower deck rumors and whatnot," Garrus replied, waggling his eyebrow ridges. Shepard glared at him.

"Hey! It's none of your or the crew's business what I'm into," he snapped, glowering at the turian as he grinned. "I'll have you know that elcor make for very fulfilling and passionate lovers."

"They'd have to… If it takes them 14 hours to perform Hamlet, you'd probably need to devote your entire shore leave to it," Kaidan commented, smirking a bit as he noticed that Garrus had apparently completely ignored his comment about Ashley. "And you've probably got to hope that your partner is particularly good at being descriptive, if not the entire experience must end up feeling like a badly written romance novel."

Shepard nearly choked on the mouthful of protein shake he'd swallowed at that moment, sputtering for a moment and pounding a fist against his chest until he could clear his throat. "Jesus Christ, Kaidan," he admonished, giving a strangled laugh. "I think now's a good time to change the subject before this gets out of hand."

He coughed again, before turning his attention back over to Garrus. "So you've been giving _Fornax_ to Ash, huh," he said, grinning at him. "Any intentions there, Vakarian? Or are you just trying to make her blush?"

Garrus' eyebrow ridges shot upwards in surprise, mandibles flaring. "I never said I was _interested_ in Williams," he replied quickly. "I mean, I _admire_ her – she's a great shot, and a damn fine soldier. And she hasn't tried to kill me for hiding porn under her pillow so that means she's got a good sense of humor, too."

"Not to mention, _the things she can do with her hands_ …" Kaidan whispered appreciatively, then had to bite the inside of his mouth to keep himself from laughing at the surprised and green-eyed look that Garrus immediately sent his way. Come to think of it, he had a feeling that he was starting to get pretty good at reading turian physiognomy.

"I get migraines, remember?" he clarified, watching, amused, as said turian immediately relaxed before his eyes widened ever so slightly, obviously embarrassed to have been caught taking the bait so easily. "So she's been kind enough to help me through a few bad flare ups." Yeah, Kaidan was under the distinct impression that Garrus probably wasn't especially fond of _his_ sense of humor right now.

"You are right, she is a very _admirable_ woman, though," he agreed, not even bothering to hide the barely restrained laughter in his voice. "Strong enough to put a krogan back in his place, yet very devoted and caring…"

Shepard was staring a bit too intently at the meatloaf substitute on his plate, more focused on swirling it around with his fork than actually eating it. Garrus seemed to take notice, however. "I don't think stirring it is going to make it taste any better," he teased, and Shepard flushed in embarrassment, immediately laying his fork down with a click.

"Well if _someone_ had remembered to bring us some ketchup, then maybe I'd be more inclined to eat it," Shepard shot back, pinning Garrus with a half-assed glare. "I swear, you're a terrible waiter." He sniffed, crossing his arms. "I'm not tipping you."

Garrus stared blankly at him. "What does pushing me over have to do with serving food?"

"Oh god," Kaidan said, laughing and wiping at tears with the back of his hand. "I'm sorry, I think I'm either really tired, or need to ease back on the sedatives…"

"Come on Garrus, you are C-sec!" he pointed out, staring at him with a disbelieving look. "I mean, you must know that the best way to ah… get extra attention from the dancers at Chora's Den is to offer a little something extra in return, and what humans call it."

An indignant look crossed Garrus' face at that – at least, what _appeared_ to be an indignant look. "What does being in C-Sec have to do with Chora's Den? And besides, as attractive as I'm sure Shepard is by human standards of beauty, I'm glad he's not going to 'tip' me for that sort of… thing. I still don't see what it has to do with serving food."

Shepard smacked a hand over his face, shaking his head with a heavy sigh while Kaidan broke down into another fit of laughter. "No, Garrus," he began, lowering his hand and giving him a sympathetic look, "Tipping is what you do when you want to pay your waiter extra for good service. _Alenko_ here just gave a… um… _questionable_ example." He shot a withering look towards Kaidan, who was still laughing.

"And it works both ways. Sometimes, it's a way to show appreciation for the service you've just received, or sometimes, you can pay a little extra in advance in order to ensure that the service is going to be good," Kaidan offered helpfully, having now calmed down a little bit, and trying to do his best to ignore Shepard's scowl.

"Are you telling me that no one else in the galaxy actually does this?" he enquired, actually pretty surprised by the potential revelation. Might explain why certain species tended to believe that humans seemed to expect preferential treatments… He tried not to laugh again. "Jesus Christ, Shepard… Hopefully we humans didn't end up insulting a whole bunch of people out there by wanting to be polite, and having them think that we are trying to bribe them instead." _Because that would just really be terrible._

Shepard snorted. "Certainly explains a lot, I think," he replied, chuckling under his breath. Garrus looked between the both of them, still looking somewhat embarrassed.

"No offense, but I don't think I'm ever going to get used to human language. Either my translator glitched on that one or your kind has some very, very fickle wording," he said, almost sullenly. " _Tipping._ Honestly."

"Yeah, _tipping_ ," Kaidan repeated with a shrug. "Would _gratuity_ make more sense? I don't know." It wasn't like he had a degree in etymology. "In French, it would be _pourboire_... Which might make more sense, I guess, since _pour boire_ means 'for drinking.' So it's like offering someone a drink to thank them for their services."

Shepard straightened up at that, giving Kaidan an incredulous look. "Wait. You speak French?" he asked before Garrus could even open his mouth, earning a sullen glare from the turian.

Kaidan was a bit taken aback by Shepard's reaction and froze for a few seconds. "Uh… Yes," he finally replied, raising an eyebrow and returning him a questioning look of his own. "As a matter of fact, it's probably somewhere on my records." Then again, considering that most inter-species communications were made possible thanks to the use of translators, it wasn't like it would be considered important information… Sort of like the color of his eyes, for example. It was one of these things that most people would skip reading because it obviously had nothing to do with a soldier or an officer's ability to perform their duty, and was easy enough to find out on their own.

"I used to do well at school as a kid and get bored easily… So, my teachers suggested that I take my exams earlier in the semester, and get an extra class instead. I ended up choosing French because I really liked _The Three Musketeers_ and its sequels, and wanted to get to experience those books in their language of origin." he explained, suddenly aware of how very nerdy it must have sounded. "I uh… Things tend to get lost in translation."

"Oh, we're not going to sit here chatting about the intricacies of human languages, are we?" Garrus suddenly butt in, voice lilting with amused exasperation. "You do realize that it all translates the same for us _aliens,_ right?"

"Well… _Yeah_ , but…" Kaidan began, looking away while rubbing the back of his neck. He didn't go any further, however, realizing that even if he could manage to explain what he'd meant by that, chances are it wouldn't really interest the turian.

Shepard rolled his eyes, before rolling his head towards Garrus and giving him a pointed look. "If you're bored, I promise I won't cry if you run off."

Garrus pulled back at that, expression morphing into something that might have been affronted, while the Lieutenant couldn't resist a small smile. "Getting rid of me, huh? I see how it is!" He grinned, however, grabbing onto the armrests of his chair and pushing into a standing position. "Though I suppose I _have_ been hogging you both. I should probably get out of here before Wrex busts the door down."

Kaidan groaned a bit at that. "Yeah, that ought to be interesting…" he mumbled to himself. He liked Wrex well enough, but couldn't help but think that the krogan's enthusiasm might end up giving him headache, especially today.

"Oh, and Garrus, _Tennyson_ ," he told him with a little knowing smile, before the turian had the chance to leave. "The intricacies of the human language might bore you, but Ash has a passion for poetry, especially Alfred, Lord Tennyson. I suggest you look it up."

"Aye aye, Lieutenant. Maybe I'll stick some Tennyson in the next Fornax I hide in her bed," Garrus responded with a grin, giving them both a mock salute, before slipping through the med bay door as it shut behind him.

Shepard snickered under his breath. "Oh, I want to see the look on her face when she gets _that_ one."

"You never know…" Kaidan said, expression soft, if a bit mischievous, making it clear that he probably be knew a little more than he'd been letting on, "…she might actually be touched by it."

"Okay, but if I catch Garrus and Ash making out, I am holding that ' _if I have to kiss a turian_ ' comment she made over her head for as long as I can," Shepard commented with a sideways grin, stabbing a hunk of meatloaf on his plate and chewing it.

"Wait-what-how?" Kaidan asked with a light chuckle. What was that about Ash _having_ to kiss a turian? He was definitely missing some context here.

Shepard snorted. "Sorry, I had a conversation a while back with her, and I don't remember the exact wording but she told me ' _you say 'jump', I say 'how high'. You tell me to kiss a turian, I'll ask which cheek_ '," he quoted, putting on a half-assed impression of the gunnery chief before shaking his head and laughing at himself.

The Lieutenant easily joined in the laughter. "See, I told you, you never know," he repeated, seemingly even more amused. "I'm sure that – on a subconscious level, at least – there's a reason why she went for a turian in that example."

"Or maybe I'm reading too much into it…" he conceded, shrugging a little, though the knowing smile never left his lips. All he knew was that Ash's attitude towards aliens in general had truly begun to change over the last few months, and he had the distinct impression that a large part of it was due to Garrus' influence.

Even in the earlier days, shortly after the team had been put together, he'd often caught Ashley and the turian exchanging thoughts together on their latest mission, comparing rifles and ammunitions, and discussing ground tactics, among other things.

At first, their exchanges had remained mostly serious and civil… But, within a few weeks, they'd begun affectionately teasing and often playing pranks on each other, engaging in friendly sparing sessions, seeking each other out during their free time, and – while Kaidan had been careful not to eavesdrop on them – the subject of their conversations seemed to have taken a more personal turn than professional reviews regarding the efficiency of the newly acquired sledgehammer rounds.

At least, he doubted that the sledgehammer rounds would be responsible for making Ash laugh, and her eyes light up so much. And, if Garrus' earlier reaction was any indication, it appeared that the turian had grown pretty fond of her, too. Hopefully, they wouldn't end up needing a close brush with death for them to realize it.

Shepard couldn't help but grin at the knowing look on Kaidan's face. "I think Ash deserves a bit of happiness, don't you think?" he said, smile dimming only slightly – he suddenly remembered the look on her face, the tone of her voice as she'd stood outside his cabin door and told him about losing her unit on Eden Prime. _Yeah_ … She deserved someone who could make her smile and forget for maybe a moment that she wasn't going to be defined by her losses or the military career of her family. And if that someone happened to be a turian – well, so what?

"That she does," Kaidan agreed. "I mean, ever since I've known her, she's always been pushing herself so hard… Like she believes that she has something to prove or… needs to justify her very existence, somehow." Not that he was that much different, to be honest. In fact, most of their crew had probably all felt the need that they had something to prove at some point in their lives, or still felt like it.

A ship full of driven perfectionists with extremely high standards regarding their own work, unwilling to ever compromise or accept defeat, and having been chosen to serve on the Normandy for being among "the best of the best." Willing to sacrifice themselves in order to protect others if need be, and dedicating a large part of their lives to their ideals… Yeah, not exactly the easiest going bunch of people in the galaxy, and probably filled with a lot of underlying personal issues.

But while they were both highly disciplined in the field – almost obsessively so – and shared a common fear of making mistakes… Ashley appeared to be having an even harder time than him at being able to take any credit for her actions.

He sighed. "I wish that Ash would realize that she's just as good a soldier as any of us sometimes… Actually, as much as I respect the Alliance, she really deserved way more recognition for her contribution to the military than what she got. At least Anderson was smart enough to see it, and asked her to stay."

She'd told him about her grandfather, the role that he had played in the First Contact War, and how that "stain" on her family's name had ended up hindering both her father's and her own military career. Some people would have gotten bitter about it, and told the Alliance to fuck off… but not Ash. Instead, she refused to let anyone tell her what she should or shouldn't do, and became determined to prove them wrong.

The problem was that Kaidan feared that no matter her efforts, some people still holding a grudge over General Williams' surrender to enemy forces would never want to let her truly receive the attention that she deserved. As if she would have to be dead for them to be satisfied, and believe that her dedication and desire to serve the Alliance and the galactic community to the best of her abilities was genuine.

Not to mention that her grandfather had done the right thing. He'd refused to sacrifice the lives of a civilian colony once he knew that there was no hope of them receiving any reinforcement or successfully getting the upper hand. The option was either surrendering to the turians, or getting massacred. Wasting human lives on principle alone wasn't something that Kaidan could ever agree with. And the fact that he had willingly sacrificed both his career and reputation to save these lives was something that he considered worthy of admiration, and respect.

So yeah, seeing his granddaughter still paying the price for it, and still being expected to make even more sacrifices was very hard for him to accept.

"I'm glad Anderson asked her to stay," Shepard replied, tapping his fork against his plate idly as he stared down at the meat sub. "I mean, I could go on about how proud I am of this crew and how I'm glad each and every single one of you are here, but I don't want to sound _too_ sappy," he added, flashing Kaidan a half-grin. "I think, as this mission unfolds, we're all going to have our times to shine and show them all what we're really worth. A galaxy-wide threat has a way of bringing out the best in people."

"You're right. We've-" Kaidan began, only to be interrupted by the sound of the med bay doors opening, allowing a large and frustrated looking krogan to come rushing through with a slightly agitated Garrus in tow.

"Wrex! What did Dr. Chakwas say about letting them r-"

" _Yeah yeah!"_ Wrex replied, completely dismissing the other alien's concerns. "You've been in here for almost a full half an hour, _turian_. You've had your fun, now it's my turn."

He then stopped right in front of Kaidan, arms crossed, their faces almost touching, with Wrex staring him down with an aggressive, challenging expression.

_Now what?_ Kaidan wondered, not quite sure he understood how he was supposed to react, and not exactly in the mood for games, either. Yet, something told him that throwing a look in Shepard's direction in order to receive some kind of input regarding what to do in such a situation might turn out to be a mistake.

On some level, it looked like the krogan was appraising him… while perhaps also trying to intimidate him… It was hard to tell. Not that he thought that Wrex would dare try anything really dangerous or stupid, especially not here in the medbay with both Garrus and the Commander watching.

So he decided that he might as well simply sustain the krogan's gaze, remaining perfectly calm and unaffected – trying to ignore the smell of the hot breath wafting on his face to the best of his abilities – and wait for Wrex to make the first move.

After a minute of two of this odd staring contest, the krogan's snarl finally loosened, and the corner of his mouth subtly began to lift in what seemed to be the beginning of a satisfied smirk.

"Alenko," Wrex stated neutrally.

"Wrex," the biotic answered, maintaining eye contact.

Kaidan's casual greeting was quickly followed by a loud "Oomph!" as Wrex suddenly pulled him against his solid chest and gave him two solid pats on the back – effectively knocking the wind out of him – in probably what could be described as the most testosterone-filled, manliest hug he'd ever received.

"You've got a real quad, kid!" Wrex exclaimed enthusiastically, releasing his hold on the Lieutenant with a resounding laugh and a wide grin on his face.

" _Wrex!"_ Garrus called again, tone half-worried, half-disapproving.

"What?" the krogan asked, smile unwavering. "I promised that I wouldn't headbutt him, and _I didn't_."

Still coughing and trying to recover from the powerful accolade, Kaidan's eyes suddenly went wide as he realized just how close he'd gotten to earning one Hell of a headache. Or perhaps even a cracked skull…

He felt Shepard put a comforting hand on his back and turned his head to the left a bit to meet his gaze. Seeing the concern written there, he made a little wave with his hand and gave him a nod to let him know that _it's okay, I'm fine, everything's under control_ -

"Besides, he probably would've been able to take it! The kid's sturdier than he looks!" Wrex added, voice laced with pride and approval.

_No I wouldn't. No I'm not._ Kaidan thought, finally having succeeded in catching his breath, hoping that this would be the end of the whole krogan ritual show of testosterone display.

"You know, I had my doubts about you, Alenko…" Wrex began "…always so controlled, so polite, _so painfully soft,_ and so reluctant to take risks. But _**this**_ …"

To his great credit, the Lieutenant managed to avoid jumping out of his skin as the large and heavy alien suddenly smashed his fist in his opposite hand, while jumping excitedly on the spot, making the whole med bay shake and the bed rails vibrate.

" _ **This is amazing!**_ I once killed a thresher maw on foot too, you know. Of course it was a little bigger, and I had my krantt by my side. But taking one down single-handedly…" he trailed off, expression filled with wonder and longing.

_Okay, as long as he doesn't try to kiss me…_ Kaidan had half a mind to inconspicuously begin moving towards Shepard, in order to very bravely go hide behind the other man's back…

"Were you on Tuchanka – and a krogan – you'd have received quite a few breeding requests by now," Wrex added proudly, chest puffed.

Kaidan's eyebrows shot straight up in surprise, and he could see that both Garrus and the Commander were doing their damnedest not to laugh.

Thankfully, it occurred to him that he'd just received what was probably one of the highest forms of compliment that a krogan could ever offer someone – especially one from another species.

So he did his best to ignore the absolute weirdness and surrealism of the situation, and try to make his initial surprise look like he was greatly pleased and impressed instead. "Thanks Wrex. That's uh… Wow. I don't quite know what to answer to that, you know," he finally managed to say with a shy, hopefully grateful looking smile.

Seeing that Wrex' initial excitement seemed to have deflated a bit, he also allowed himself to relax, and took a sip from his protein shake in order to help clear his throat.

"You know, I'd never understood it before, but now… Now I get it," the alien said, sounding like he'd just had an epiphany, and was remarkably pleased with himself for having unlocked one of the great mysteries of the Universe.

"Get what?" Kaidan prompted innocently, taking another large sip from his cup, blissfully unaware of the danger…

"Why a popular, respected and powerful battlemaster like Shepard would sacrifice his chance to successfully impregnate a fertile female in order to make you his mate."

By the time that Wrex was done talking, half of the liquid that had previously been in Kaidan's mouth had been violently sprayed all over the sheets in front of him, and he found himself once again coughing and choking on the other half, trying to find his breath.

" _ **Damnit Wrex!"**_ Garrus exclaimed, his voice a mix of frustration, annoyance and pure discouragement. Shepard looked absolutely mortified, face and neck flushing a brilliant shade of red – he immediately sunk down into his bed, pulling the sheets up in a vain effort to hide his face.

" _ **What?"**_ Wrex once again enquired with a confused shrug. "I've got absolutely nothing against that! As a matter of fact, since _you turians_ unleashed the genophage on _my people_ , and the number of our fertile females has declined, it's become very common to see two males physically bond together. _Excuse me_ for forgetting that being able to have kids of your own is not on the same level of priority in other species. Especially when you're likely to breed very strong offspring," he went on to explain, having obviously misunderstood the meaning behind Garrus' interjection.

He then turned his attention towards the Commander, who didn't lower the sheet covering his face until he was sure he wasn't embarrassingly red anymore. "I mean it, Shepard. Alenko is a good, strong choice for a mate. And worthy of someone of your rank," he stated with an encouraging, confident smile. "You can be proud over the success of your courtship."

"Um... thank you, Wrex," Shepard managed to reply, reaching over to pat Kaidan on the back again in an ill effort to help him breathe easy. He shot him an apologetic look as he did so. "I… _appreciate_ your blessing, but I'll have to ask you do me the favor of keeping Lieutenant Alenko's and my relationship on the quiet side. Fraternization in the Alliance is… problematic."

Garrus snorted lightly. "Commander, I don't think anyone on this ship cares at this point."

Shepard froze in spot at that, hand hovering over Kaidan's back, who had only just managed to regain his composure and recover from the initial shock. "Wait, what?"

"Wha-" Kaidan tried to repeat after him, but it came out as a small croak. _Damn it_! "What?"he finally managed more clearly after having cleared his throat and taken a deep breath.

Garrus shuffled a bit awkwardly at the wide-eyed look Shepard was giving him, before coughing loudly. "Um. I think everyone on the Normandy from Joker to the requisitions officer knew you two were going to hook up before either of you did. Pretty sure someone started a pool."

Shepard groaned out loud, burying his face in his hands as the blush returned and burned down the back of his neck. "Oh my god. You can't be serious." He made the mistake of looking up, catching the look on Garrus' face as his eyebrow ridges lifted in sympathy. "You're serious."

"Yeah, and by the way, I totally won that non-existing pool that everyone will deny ever existed because gambling is _clearly against the regs_ , and _not something that would be seen ever happening on this ship either,_ "Joker said over the Normandy's intercom.

It suddenly occurred to Kaidan that Joker had access to all of the surveillance cameras from his cockpit. And, sure enough, the little red light had been turned back on… Meaning that earlier… _Oh god._ Judging from Shepard's expression, it was clear that he'd probably come to the same conclusion.

_So we're really doing this, aren't we?_ Kaidan thought, somewhat amazed by this strange turn of events. When Wrex had mentioned the relationship, he'd half expected the Commander to go on the defensive and immediately deny it – and he'd been prepared to accept that. In fact, he would have been ready to put his mask of professionalism back on and support his claims if need be.

Except Shepard hadn't tried to deny it. He'd even reached out for him to make sure he was okay while simply asking for Wrex's discretion. While part of him was beyond embarrassed and suddenly wished to have the ability to vanish through the floor… Another part of him felt oddly elated...

Figuring that there wasn't any point in trying to hide his affection anymore, he discreetly reached for Shepard's hand and gave it an encouraging squeeze. Their eyes met for a moment, and he offered him a gentle if slightly nervous smile.

His gaze remained entirely open and confident, though, letting his love know that he had absolutely no second thoughts about this… about _them_. In fact, he'd never been so sure of anything in his life.

Any feeling of anxiety he was experiencing right now had more to do with the fact that he'd always been a very private person that kept most of his personal thoughts and feelings to himself. Actually, it appeared that he'd even managed to successfully keep some of these personal feelings _from_ himself over the last few months.

Suddenly discovering that you'd hopelessly fallen in love with your commanding officer without even being aware of it was bound to be pretty overwhelming, to say the least. Learning that, meanwhile, virtually the whole crew had noticed it happening without doing anything to prevent it – even more so.

There had been no questions asked, no warnings, no disapproving glares or any concern raised about their ability to perform their respective duties. Now that he thought about it, he was under the distinct impression that most of the crew had even been very careful to let them have some time and space to themselves during off-duty hours.

"Why didn't you guys say anything?" Kaidan inquired, looking at Garrus with a perplexed expression.

"Like what? ' _Kiss him already'?_ " Wrex asked, and the turian had to put his hand in front of his face and tilt his head downward in an effort to hide his near irresistible urge to laugh.

"'Cause as far as the mission and our work is concerned, the Commander's always treated all of us equally. Plus, he knows what he's doing. Besides, you're so obsessed about being all _noble_ and always _doing the right thing_ , Alenko, that you'd probably rip him a new one if he ever tried to let his feelings for you interfere with his command," Joker answered truthfully, and Kaidan felt very grateful that he pilot had not only understood his question – meaning he wouldn't need to elaborate – but was providing them with an actual _helpful_ answer, for once.

"And really, think about _all the money_ that we could make selling the vids of two of the hottest and most powerful human biotics having wild sex together, Commander! I mean, you could entirely finance your Spectre operations without depending on the Alliance anymore, pay us all at least twice our current salary, and say goodbye to all the pesky regs! _Total win-win scenario._ "

Helpful Joker moment – _gone_. Shepard made a sound in the pit of his throat that might have been choking, immediately covering his face again out of sheer embarrassment.

"Joker. Please. _Stop_."

"Regs regs regs… What are you crazy aliens going on about?" Wrex exclaimed in an exasperated tone, watching them all as if no one was suddenly making any sense.

"Weren't you listening when Williams explained about…" Garrus began, then realized from the krogan's very pointed look that his answer was already within the question. "Nevermind," he concluded with a sigh.

"See Wrex, _when a Commander and his Staff Lieutenant love each other very much…_ "

"Jesus fucking Christ, Joker…" Kaidan muttered while letting himself fall back on his bed, bringing his pillow in front his face in a mock attempt to smother himself with it. "Just tell me when it's over…" he added in a muffled voice.

"…some _very uptight_ – and probably sexually repressed – Alliance people become afraid that their feelings for one another might end up complicating the _almighty chain of command_ , and cloud their ability to produce rational thoughts. Therefore, they devise _an evil plan_ and set up a bunch of rules that are supposed to scare them from getting too close and comfy with each other," Joker narrated as if he was telling a children story.

"That sounds like something that came right out of a salarian's cloaca!" Wrex scoffed, visibly unimpressed.

This time, Garrus openly guffawed. "I must admit that I'm with Wrex on that one, Joker." After all, the art of war and the need to respect the chain of command was something that was taught to turians so early on in their lives, and deeply respected and understood by all, that the risk of an intimate relationship interfering with a soldier's ability to perform his duty wasn't something that military leaders had learned to fear.

On the contrary, it could even serve as a very powerful personal motivator, making sure that they would serve with absolute honor because of their desire to make their mate proud.

"Well, total bullshit or not, the Alliance brass can be pretty serious about that sort of thing,"Joker replied, his voice surprisingly sober. "I mean it guys. Everyone on this ship has seen the way that the Commander and Alenko work together, and we all trust them to remain professional and not lose sight of their priorities no matter what. But if the fact that they became involved with each other gets into the wrong ears, Shepard's Spectre status combined with both their service history might protect them on some level, but it may not prevent Kaidan from being reassigned. And no offense, Commander, but I feel a bit safer about the amount of 'crazy' on this ship when he's around."

Shepard sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes. "Yeah… yeah, Joker is right, unfortunately." He opened his eyes after a moment, looking between Wrex and Garrus, while Kaidan finally removed the pillow from his face and sat up, joining back in the conversation. "I know it's different for your species, but in our military, a relationship between a superior and a subordinate is considered a problem. If there's any amount of coercion involved, abuse of power… it affects morale, and puts the subordinate in a shitty situation. And if it's mutual, they're afraid it will affect battlefield decisions. Favoritism can lead to bad calls and… worst-case scenario, someone could die because of it."

He looked over at Kaidan for a moment, before turning back to the others. "And while I agree with the precautions to prevent said worst case scenario, I _do_ think it is possible to balance romance with duty. I'm just afraid the Alliance won't make that distinction for Kaidan and me. Believe me, I don't want to see him transferred any more than you do, Joker. We need him. _I_ need him."

Now this was something that they could definitely both agree on, as Kaidan didn't believe that it was possible for him to find another partner both on and off the battlefield that brought up the best in him like Shepard did.

"Yeah, and after that stunt he just pulled on Gellix, _I_ need him to teach me how to Reave," Wrex pointed out. "Your leaders may be a bunch of idiots, but I know from personal experience that a bunch of idiots in leadership positions can still cause a shitload of trouble," he added with a sigh. "I'll make sure not to let anything slide. Anyway, it's not like I enjoy friendly conversations with humans except for you and a few members of your crew, Shepard."

"And besides the strength of his biotics, Alenko's got a strong awareness of his surroundings in battle, and his skills work very well whether the situation calls for an offensive or defensive approach," Garrus supplied in turn. "He's a hell of a soldier, and I do appreciate having him there watching our backs. So don't worry, Shepard, I'll be discreet."

"And I, uh… do feel like I belong here, you know?" Kaidan began, rubbing the back of his neck bashfully, and feeling like he needed to say something... Was it just him or was it starting to get rather hot in the med bay, though? "I mean, this is the best assignment I've ever been given, not to mention the greatest crew that I've ever had the chance to work with… and… ah…"

"Yeah yeah, we love you too," Joker cut him off, and the L2 could almost hear the smile in his voice.

_Thanks Joker, I owe you one,_ Kaidan thought, grateful that he'd just saved him from further awkwardness.

"So it's agreed then. What happens on the Normandy, _stays_ on the Normandy," came another voice from the ship's intercom. It took Kaidan a moment to place it, but when he did, his eyes went wide. _Pressly?_

"Would it be a good time to tell you about this potential smuggling operation that one of my contacts-" Wrex began with renewed interest, before he was interrupted by Pressly's stern response.

" _However,_ we are not going to engage in any risky illicit operations that are entirely unrelated to our current mission."

"Spoilsport."

Shepard couldn't keep from snickering under his breath until he caught the glare Wrex was giving him – he quickly covered the sound with a cough before changing the subject. "Well, now that that's settled…" he began, looking around the room at each person in turn. "I… I'm glad. For this crew. For everything you have done, and continue to do, for the sake of the mission, for me, for…" he caught himself looking at Kaidan a little longer than the others, "for us."

He looked away again, hoping he wasn't blushing again. "Thank you."

"Okay, maybe we should get out of here before this turns into some kind of group therapy hug," Garrus joked, mandibles flaring into a grin as he put a taloned hand on Wrex's shoulder and made to push him towards the door. "Come on big boy, let's give everyone else a chance to fawn over the lovebirds."

Wrex gave a loud, derisive snort, but didn't reply as he allowed the turian to usher him out of the med bay. He did, however, pause long enough at the door to give the both of them one final nod. "Shepard. Alenko."

Shepard couldn't keep from grinning, giving him a nod in return. "Wrex."

The door finally hissed shut behind them, and Shepard finally took that moment to flop backwards onto his pillows with a loud exhale. "Oh, thank God." He looked over towards the door after a moment, before realizing that the blinking red light on the camera was still on. " _Joker,_ " he said, tone stern. The light suddenly clicked off again.

"Sorry Commander," came the hurried response, before the comm link once again went silent.

"Well, that was interesting," Kaidan commented, lying back on his own bed and turning to face Shepard, propping himself up a little bit on his left elbow. "Besides Pressly, how many other people do you think were huddled in that cockpit?"

Shepard rolled his eyes up towards the ceiling. "To be honest, I really, really don't want to know."

"I get you," the LT replied with a small nod. "Still, this might make things easier…" he said, before he frowned a little bit. "…once I can manage to look half the crew in the eyes without turning bright red, I mean."

Shepard rubbed his hands over his face with another heavy sigh. "Yeah… me too."

They were spared an awkward silence by the soft sound of knuckles rapping on the door, before it slid open again for a familiar blue head to peek inside.

"Can we come in, or do you need a moment?" Liara asked, expression awkward until Shepard smiled at her and waved for her to come in.

"It's alright. Come on in."

She sighed in relief, before stepping aside to allow Tali to enter the med bay with her. They both settled into seats next to their cots, before Tali suddenly leaned forward with her hands clasped under the chin of her mask, glowing eyes narrowing ever so slightly behind the purple tinted glass. "So. When's the wedding?"


	9. Chapter 9

Their conversation with Liara and Tali went surprisingly smoother than expected. Of course, there were still a few slip-ups and subsequent flustered attempts at recovery by Liara, only made worse by Tali's elbow-nudging and teasing. It was almost adorable in a strange sort of way, and it was difficult for Shepard not to laugh – he bit his tongue for Liara's sake, knowing that interacting with humans was still something of a new experience for the normally secluded scientist. He had noticed in previous conversations that she was growing more accustomed to speaking with members of the crew aside from Shepard, but she was still prone to become easily embarrassed and had difficulty recovering from faux pas – she was getting better, though, if the shy smile that graced her lips every time Tali teased her was anything to judge by.

When the subject of discretion was brought up once again – as they should have expected – both women graciously agreed to uphold the growing mantra of "what happens on the Normandy stays on the Normandy." Of course that didn't stop them from having a personal say in the matter – Tali explained to them that she was used to fraternization being treated very loosely amongst the flotilla, and Liara was non-military and therefore didn't understand the need for the rule in the first place – but they readily agreed that the mission and the preservation of the crew were their topmost concerns.

Tali was the first to leave the room once the conversation had died out, though as Liara followed she chose to pause in the doorway. She turned back, giving them both a soft smile.

"I know that the crew has teased you more than anything else, but… I just want you two to know that I'm very happy for you."

And then she was gone, the door sliding shut behind her.

By the time they had left it was already late in the afternoon - Dr. Chakwas was the next to come in, taking time to adjust their medication and remove the bandages from their hands and feet. Most of their previously frostbitten skin had healed properly, but she made it clear that she wanted them to avoid walking for the rest of the evening in order to ensure that there would be no further damage caused to the deep tissues.

She ended up having someone set up a shower chair in the crew's bathroom in order to allow them to take a good shower before supper – they ended up taking turns, although with everything that had already been said, they'd almost expected her to tease them and ask if they wanted to take it together. They were eventually allowed to take a quiet meal together following that, however. The only one from the main ground team that had yet to come see them was Ashley, and Kaidan had the distinct impression that she'd let everyone else go first in order not to be rushed and be allowed a bit more time with them.

Sure enough, shortly after they were done eating, she called them over the ship's intercom and asked if they were still feeling well enough for another visit – her voice sounded a bit strained and tired, however, causing them both to pause in concern before Shepard told her to come in whenever she was ready.

Minutes passed before they heard the sound of the med bay's door swishing open, allowing Ash to walk in wearing a pair of baggy sweatpants and a gray t-shirt, with her hair loose against her shoulders. She offered them a soft smile and walked right up to Kaidan's side of the two gurneys that were solidly locked together, and arranged in a semi-sitting position.

"Move over," she instructed quietly, and the LT signaled for Shepard to raise the bed railing on his side to make sure that he wouldn't end up accidentally falling over, before he scooted over to Shepard's side a little bit until he was sitting somewhere in the middle.

Ashley silently climbed in with them and raised the railing on her side with a click, before she proceeded to give Kaidan an intent look. Only then did he notice the dark circles beneath her eyes, and the slight puffiness of her lids. _Wait… Has she been crying?_

"Ash, are you okay?" he asked quietly, voice filled with concern. Instead of answering him right away, however, she raised a fist and gave him a light punch in the shoulder. She didn't stop, however, continuing to hit him with slowly increasing strength and urgency.

"Don't… you… ever… do… that... to… me… again," she said with barely restrained emotion, hitting him in the pause between each word. Despite his initial shock at the physicality of her reaction, Kaidan managed to turn to face her until her fists were banging on his chest and he could gather her in his arms, effectively locking both of her arms in the space between them, holding her tight and forcing her to stop.

"Hey hey hey hey…" he shushed her softly. "Ash, I'm fine." He could feel her trembling against him, fighting back tears.

"And that goes for you too, Commander," she added, looking in Shepard's direction. Sensing that she had calmed down a little, Kaidan released his grip enough for her to slide her arms out from between them. She brought them around him and took hold of his shoulders instead, hugging him tight against her for a moment and closing her eyes.

"You guys scared me so bad… and after what happened on Eden Prime, I…"

"Shhh... It's okay… Shepard and I are both okay. We're not going anywhere," Kaidan interrupted, finding himself fighting back tears of his own as the emotions from the previous day came rushing back to him.

Shepard swallowed back the lump that threatened to crawl up his throat, leaning forward and placing a hand on Kaidan's shoulder. He reached over and put his other hand on Ashley's shoulder, feeling the tremor that ran through them both as tears threatened to overcome them.

"Come on guys, if you start crying then I'm going to cry and that's never a pretty sight," he managed to say teasingly, though his tone was half-hearted at best. It broke his heart to see the both of them so vulnerable, and it was all he could do not to crawl over and drag them both into a hug. "We're okay. We're going to be okay."

"Are we…?" Ash whispered quietly, voice trailing off. Kaidan gently laid back against the half-raised heads of their beds, slowly guiding Ashley down with him so that her head was now resting on his chest, just beneath his chin, her arms still circling his waist and holding tight.

He planted a soft kiss on her forehead, and soothingly ran his right hand through her hair, making sure that she was comfortable, before mustering a calm enough voice to state in what the Gunnery Chief would have described as _typical Kaidan fashion_ , "We're here now."

If someone were ever to ask the LT whether the glass was half empty or half full, she would fully expect him to plainly stare back at them and answer that it had half water and half air in it. Only he could manage to make such simple ingenuous statements sound so oddly comforting.

Looking up, she noticed that Kaidan had wrapped his other arm around Shepard, and had successfully managed to pull him down into a shared embrace also. His left arm had wrapped protectively around the Commander's shoulders, while Shepard had gently curled up against his lover's side, nose burrowed in the crook of his neck.

"I guess I'm just tired of watching people close to me die…" she said in a small voice, sharing a meaningful look with the Commander. " _I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,_ " she quoted quietly. While what she had told him the other day was true, and she never regretted letting herself care so strongly for those she loved, it never made the prospect of potentially losing them any easier.

A slight smile managed to turn the corners of Shepard's lips as he shared the look with Ashley from over Kaidan's torso. "You're right, Ash. I know it hurts, but you're right. I think what we have right here, right now… it makes it all worth it," he said, idly tracing his fingertips over Kaidan's hand as it rested against his shoulder. "I don't plan on repeating what happened out there anytime soon. Hopefully that's something of a consolation."

"Yeah, it's just that the moment you _finally_ decide to let Kaidan go out and play, you both wind up right back in the med bay!" she teased, yet the smile never quite reached her eyes. She sighed. "I'm sorry… I couldn't stand the feeling of knowing that you two were out there, probably fighting for your lives, and that there was nothing that I could do to help."

"You did help," Kaidan responded softly. "You found us."

"But what if I hadn't?" she pointed out while raising her head a little from his chest to look straight at him. "What if we'd gotten there ten minutes later and you'd both been gone already?"

"Ash…" he murmured, not knowing exactly what to tell her, but sensing that she was starting to get agitated again, her body trembling lightly against his.

"You're the closest thing I've got to a brother, LT," Ashley admitted hoarsely. "And lately, all I seem to do is watch you get hurt and I just…" She took a deep breath to try to steady herself, without much success. "…I hate it, okay? I mean, I understand the risks that we're taking and I can accept that. And I'm not afraid to die for the Alliance either."

She could see that he was going to say something, so she held out a hand to ask him to let her finish. "What's killing me is waiting for things to happen while feeling so utterly powerless about it! It's like facing an enemy that I can't even see, much less fight! And the last two missions you were on ended up with you almost bleeding or freezing to death. I know it's going to sound crazy, but I can't shake the feeling that someday, something like that will happen again, and that if I'm not there when it does, then you won't be able to make it back."

For a moment, Kaidan stared at her, trying to process everything that she'd just said. In many ways, the feeling of frustration and powerlessness that she was describing was easy for him to relate to. Especially when he recalled Shepard's previous disregard for his own safety on the battlefield, and the anxiety that it had caused for him.

However, he couldn't remember having ever openly taken any unnecessary risks, or done anything to make Ashley fear for his safety above anyone else's.

"What happened on these last two missions was just bad luck, Ash," he stated quietly, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible and affectionately running his hand up and down her back in an effort to soothe her. "You know that I'm always very careful, and that I would never take any risk that I could possibly avoid without compromising the mission."

"I know!" she answered, and Kaidan could hear the slight exasperation in her voice. "Listen, I know I'm not making any sense. It's just a bad gut feeling that I can't shake, and I guess… I needed to air it."

He nodded with a slight chuckle. "Fair enough. Feeling better?"

She rested her head back on his chest, listening to the steady sound of his heartbeat, and trying her best not to think of what could have happened. "Yeah, I'll be okay. As long as the Commander and you promise to keep watching over each other whenever I'm not around to pull your sorry asses out of the cold or the fire," she pointed out, this time looking back at Shepard. "I mean it, you know," she added, specifically addressing him this time. "You guys, this crew… You're like my family now. Kaidan may apparently be a danger magnet, but I need to know that you'll keep each other safe."

Shepard couldn't keep from chuckling under his breath. "Danger magnet, huh? I always figured him for having a magnetizing personality, just… not to that extent. Sounds about right though," he said, grin faltering when Kaidan gave him a sidelong glare. "Sorry," he said, giving Kaidan's hand a sympathetic squeeze.

"I don't like making promises I can't keep, but…" he began, pausing for a moment to collect his thoughts before continuing, this time looking directly at Ashley as he spoke. "I'll always have my crewmembers' backs. You and Kaidan are no exception. I look out for… for my family."

He felt a sudden tightening in his chest once the words had left his mouth. He'd never stopped to consider it before, but once it had been said… it was true. The crew of the Normandy had become the closest thing to a family he'd had in a very, very long time. Crews came and went over the years and he'd been on more ships than he could count on both hands, but this was the first one he'd truly felt at home on – and that was thanks in no small part to the two soldiers currently laying with him in a dim med bay with nothing to accompany them aside from the hum of the drive core. The Normandy was his family – dysfunctional, but still perfect.

Kaidan tightened his hold on Shepard and kissed the top of his head, inhaling deeply and closing his eyes, the short hair tickling his lips. He lingered there before replacing his lips with his cheek, gently resting his head on top of his. "I just fought a thresher maw to keep him safe, Ash… and nearly got head-butted by a krogan for it," he added as he felt Ashley chuckle against him. "You can be sure that when it comes to protecting those I care about, there's very little that would stop me."

"Yeah, about that, I overheard something about Shepard having died for a few minutes down there before you managed to bring him back. What was it like? I mean, do you remember anything?" she asked, her curiosity having gotten the better of her. She immediately felt Kaidan tense a little, and suddenly wanted to kick herself for having been so blunt. "Oh god LT, I'm so sorry – I didn't think, I just…"

"No, that's okay," Kaidan reassured her, trying his best to offer her a small smile. "I mean, things turned out okay, right?" He was fine. They both were. He just needed to keep his breathing steady and concentrate on the warm body pressed against his, knowing they were both safe and that, in the end, everything had turned out to be okay. It was okay. They were okay. "If you want to ask questions about what happened, and you're comfortable discussing it, Shepard, I'll be fine. Really."

Shepard's grip tightened ever so slightly around Kaidan's hand, unable to decide if it was to stop the trembling that had overtaken his fingers or to assure the other man that he was okay. He inhaled quietly to steady himself, before exhaling. "It… it's hard to explain. I don't remember much. After I – after the thresher hit us and knocked me out," he began, faltering for a moment when he remembered that they had an "official" story to perpetuate. Thankfully Ash didn't seem to notice the hesitation. "I don't know if it was all a hallucination or if I really had some kind of near death experience, but… I saw my old squad mate from Akuze – the one we met on Ontarom, Toombs. He… he spoke to me."

He looked down, not quite able to keep eye contact while he relived the memory – it wasn't as vivid as before, like a dream that had long passed. He could only remember bits and pieces, and those were becoming harder and harder to grasp. "I-I'm sorry. I can't remember much else. I just remember Toombs, and seeing Kaidan giving me CPR, and then waking up in that cave."

"What you remembered me saying while you were still under was oddly accurate, though," Kaidan added in a quiet voice, having since then let go of Shepard's hand to go trace gentle patterns with his fingers on his lower back, underneath his shirt. He chose not to elaborate on the subject. After all, he didn't need Ashley to know that he'd threatened Shepard to follow him into death if he didn't come back. "Of course, it could have been because part of your brain was still active on a subconscious level…"

She listened to them attentively, trying to understand what Shepard could have experienced, wanting it to make sense. "Were you scared, or… in pain?" she hesitantly asked, not wanting to trigger anything unpleasant for her friend, but still needing to know. While she knew that Shepard most likely would not have all the answers to her questions and doubts, after having lost so many people close to her lately, she just needed something to help her believe that they were safe – that they had gone to a good place. That her father was okay…

She'd always had faith in God, believed that he was watching out for them, but… With everything that had happened lately – with all the horrors that she'd seen on Eden Prime, among others – it was so easy to let herself doubt that God really had a plan for them all, and that things were happening for a reason.

Shepard sighed, eyes closing as Kaidan's palm ghosted over the small of his back. "I wasn't in pain, no. I didn't feel much of anything. I was… calm, I guess. At peace." He leaned his head against Kaidan's shoulder, sagging into his embrace. "If Kaidan hadn't… if he hadn't been trying so hard to bring me back, I don't think I would have made it. A part of me thinks it would have been so easy to just let go at that point. I'm just glad I didn't."

"Me too," Kaidan whispered, cheek resting against the top of Shepard's head, eyes closed.

Ashley couldn't resist smiling as she looked at them. Despite everything that they'd just been through, she couldn't remember having ever seen them look so happy, or at ease under any other circumstances. She was going to tease Kaidan by asking him if he realized that Shepard had just given up Heaven to be with him, but she decided not to ruin the moment. She also felt very humbled and touched by the fact that they were allowing her to share it with them.

"Thanks Skipper. I really appreciate you telling me."

She let out a yawn and snuggled a little closer against Kaidan, getting herself comfortable – she was feeling tired and a little emotionally drained from the last two days' events, and being able to relax, away from the usual crew quarters, was rather nice…

"God Alenko, are you always this hot?" she asked lazily, before her eyes suddenly snapped opened and she felt the heat rush to her cheeks as she realized what she'd just said. Looking up, she saw that Kaidan was staring back at her, eyebrow lifted and a little smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

"I meant literally, you dork." She chuckled, hiding her embarrassment. "The heating system back in the crew quarters is horrible, and I always get cold feet. If I'd known that your body gave off so much heat, I might have tried to find a way to cuddle up with you sooner," she teased him.

"The perks of having a biotic metabolism, we tend to run a few degrees hotter than the rest of you guys," Kaidan answered, though he found himself taking a mental note of trying to find a way to tweak the crew quarter's heating system when he was up and about again.

"I'll say," Ash agreed, throwing an amused look in Shepard's direction.

"Ugh, I wouldn't call it a perk," Shepard groaned, cracking an eye open to give Ashley a look. "When I was at the Villa in Rio, I was lucky I didn't boil during downtime. It was _weeks_ before my fatigues stopped smelling like sweat. You think Kaidan's hot? Try snuggling a Vanguard after an eight-hour training exercise. It's like sitting next to a furnace."

"Still, I doubt any of us felt like complaining about it yesterday," the other biotic pointed out, memories of the biting cold they'd experienced still a bit hard to shake. "I've always enjoyed going skiing in the mountains, but I think I'll pass this year." He smiled, closing his eyes and letting himself sink deeper into the mattress. "Furnace or not, I'd still snuggle you, though."

"Mm," Shepard murmured, moving in a little closer so he was flush against Kaidan's side, feeling the heat of his skin even through his clothing. He could feel the weariness creeping around the edges of his mind, threatening to take hold and drag him under. It didn't help that Kaidan was so warm and he was so comfortable, content to stay that way as long as he possibly could.

They stayed together for a while longer, lazily exchanging words in the darkness of the med bay. The small talk continued for a while, and Shepard was only mildly surprised when Kaidan was the first to go under, words tapering off into soft, even breathing as his head sagged against Shepard's forehead. Ashley exchanged a knowing look with Shepard from across the Lieutenant's chest, and they continued the conversation in whispers until finally, after everything that had happened that day, Shepard's eyes drifted closed and he fell asleep curled firmly in the crook of Kaidan's arm.

* * *

"Have you guys seen Ash?" Garrus asked as he entered the ship's cockpit, where Dr. Chakwas was apparently sharing a drink with Joker, both of them laughing and playing a game of cards.

"Wait - are you two even allowed to drink on the job?" he added, the corner of his mouth twitching.

"Nah… The ship's on autopilot, and the good doctor here is on call. That's considered off duty," the pilot answered a bit smugly. "Besides, I won the pool, so she owed me that drink."

Dr. Chakwas chuckled lightly "Yeah, that you did." She then turned her attention towards the turian. "She was headed for the medbay to visit Shepard and the Lieutenant around four hours ago. Maybe she's still there," she offered helpfully.

Garrus eyebrow ridges shot up in surprise. " _Four hours_? Isn't that a bit much?"

"Well, you never know! There are many ways for the three of them to pass the time – ow!"

"Stop being such a baby, you aren't actually made of glass, you know," Dr. Chakwas stated teasingly, sitting back in the co-pilot's chair while Jeff glared at her, rubbing his shoulder where she'd playfully punched him.

"Well, according to my readings, my two patients appear to be fast asleep," she said, consulting the medical interface of her omnitool. "So it's probably safe to take a look."

The pilot didn't have to be told twice before activating the cameras. "Aww… Look at them. This is so sweet," he cooed mockingly, as the image of the three slumbering human soldiers comfortably snuggled together appeared on the monitor.

Garrus felt the heat rise up to his cheeks, and wondered why there was this unsettling feeling in his gut all of a sudden. After all, he knew that Kaidan was totally head over heels for Shepard and didn't feel any romantic inclination towards Ashley. But there was something about the way that she had her arms tightly wrapped around his torso, with her head lazily resting against his naked chest, looking so utterly peaceful and _content,_ that made something stir deep within his own chest.

That's when he noticed that Joker was looking back at him with a self-satisfied smirk. "These three should totally start dating," he pushed, and the turian had to resist the urge to throw him right across the cockpit's window.

"Well, it's close to bedtime, and I still need to prep them for the night," Dr. Chakwas cut in, in an effort to break the tension before the pilot ended up with broken bones. "Why don't you come along, Garrus? Didn't you say that you wanted to talk to Ashley?"

"Thanks doctor, I'll do that," he answered, moving politely to the side and gesturing for her to lead the way.

" _Garrus and Ashley sitting in a Mako… First comes loves… Then comes chafing…"_ Joker began to sing quietly – but not quietly _enough_ – after they'd begun to walk away.

Garrus was about to make a sharp U-turn, but Karin proved to be faster as she grabbed him by the arm, keeping him on course.

"Just for the record, Joker, you owe me one. Next drink's on you!" she called. "Don't listen to him, Garrus, he's just being an ass," she added with a wink and a smile.

"YEAH! I HEARD THAT!"

* * *

Kaidan felt something tug at his arm, and tried to swat it away, only to realize that his other arm was half numb as there was a warm body lying on top of it. He grumbled something unintelligible and tried to shift his weight a little, getting ready to fall back asleep.

"Lieutenant… Wake up…" he heard a familiar feminine voice whisper in his ear, her tone insisting, before feeling a little tug on his arm again. He sighed and slowly opened his eyes, mind still a bit groggy, as he took in his surroundings. "Hey guys. What's up?" he asked with a yawn, finally acknowledging Dr. Chakwas and Garrus' presence.

"I'm sorry, but I need to check up on you both before I call it a night," the doctor explained, tone apologetic. Normally she wouldn't have wanted to rouse them, as they all looked to be pretty comfortable – not to mention she knew that Ashley had had a bad night the day before – but her duty as their doctor said otherwise. "Also, I think that Garrus here would appreciate having a word with the Chief."

"Well, it's nothing that important, really," the turian began, looking a bit flustered all of a sudden, fidgeting with his hands. "I just wanted to make sure that she was doing okay. She seemed to be pretty upset after we found you yesterday, so…"

Kaidan smiled, taking pity on him. "Sure. Hey, Ash…" he said softly, giving her shoulder a little shake.

"Hmmm…" she groaned sleepily, only to snuggle a bit deeper and burrow her face in his chest.

"Ash, wake up," Kaidan said with a small laugh. "You're drooling all over me."

"I don't drool," she protested, voice slightly muffled by his skin. However, she still kept her eyes stubbornly closed and refused to make any effort to move.

"Ash," he said again. Apparently, she planned on making it difficult.

"Humph… It's warm... 'm tired… Later…"

"Ashley, I need you to get to your own bed so I can check up on them, okay?" Dr. Chakwas explained patiently, expression nonetheless amused.

"But… _Warm_ …" she murmured, and the doctor had to wonder if she was even aware of what she was saying. She smiled, looking back at Garrus.

"A little help here?" she asked, trying to resist laughing as she noticed that the turian had obviously perked up at the suggestion.

"Sure, no problem," he answered, before he moved to the side of the bed, delicately slipping his arms around Ashley's shoulders and underneath her knees and picking her up from the bed effortlessly.

"Hey…!" she initially objected, but she soon sank deeper into Garrus' embrace, her head lazily settling in the crook of his neck. She sighed contently as a satisfied smile graced her lips. "Hmmm… Turians are pretty hot, too…"

Kaidan guffawed as poor Garrus seemed to turn three deeper shades of blue. He felt Shepard stir next to him, and gently removed his arm from under the other man's body, giving him a light kiss on the forehead while wrapping it around his shoulders instead.

"Ugh. What's with all the noise," Shepard mumbled under his breath, refusing to open his eyes at first as he turned his face into Kaidan's shoulder.

"Apparently, Ashley thinks that turians are pretty hot," Kaidan whispered in his ear in amusement, bringing the Commander up to speed on the current situation as he finally cracked an eye open to see Ashley contently curled up in Garrus' arms.

He couldn't keep from snorting, before lifting his head from Kaidan's shoulder. "Hey, Chief," he called, voice slipping back into his Commander role easily despite the dryness scratching his throat.

"Yes sir," Ashley murmured – she hadn't even opened her eyes, though the subtle change in the stiffness of her back was enough to guess what she _thought_ was happening.

"Left cheek."

What he _didn't_ expect was for Ashley to silently lean up just enough to plant a quick kiss on Garrus' cheek the moment the words left his mouth. The look on the turian's face was comical at best, and Shepard had to bury his face in Kaidan's shoulder again just to stifle his laughter – which, of course, didn't help much considering just how hard said shoulder was shaking.

Even Dr. Chakwas was having a hard time keeping it together and remaining professional, though she couldn't help but recall Joker's earlier singing, which made it all the harder not to burst into laughter. Though she couldn't help but wonder - if this evolved into something more serious, she might have to tell Ashley about a few preventive measures in order to avoid chafing, or other potential complications related to levo / dextro coupling… She wondered for a moment if she still had those brochures with the diagrams…

_Okay_ , now it was sounding way dirtier in her mind than it should, she realized. Maybe it was _really_ time for all of them to get some much-needed sleep.

She looked back at Garrus, who was still rooted on the spot, looking completely dumbstruck, while the young woman in his arms was back to rubbing her nose on the smoother skin just below his jaw.

"Garrus, why don't you get our sleeping beauty back to bed?" she began to ask, only to be interrupted by Kaidan.

"Actually, I think it's our turn to get the sleeping pods tonight," he pointed out, having finally managed to recover from his laughing fit long enough to catch his breath.

Garrus frowned, unconsciously tightening his hold on Ashley a little. As a result she let out a soft moan and shifted a little. "Pod's too cold."

_What was it with humans and this obsession with warmth?_ Nevertheless, if Ashley felt that warmth was what she needed right now…

"It's okay, I'll uh… I'll figure something out," he finally managed to say, giving them a little nod and bidding them all good night before making his way out of the med bay with his precious cargo nestled comfortably in his arms.

Ignoring the few curious looks sent his way, Garrus walked past the mess hall and into the elevator, directing himself towards the ship's laundry room while doing his best to keep his movements smooth and fluid in order to avoid jolting Ashley and waking her up entirely.

As he walked, he found himself marveling at how light and delicate the young human female felt in his arms…

Sure, he'd needed to lift or support her before, whenever she had sustained injuries in combat. But this time, there were no heavy armors between them. Garrus was only wearing casual turian clothing, and Ashley was dressed in a loose sweatpants and t-shirt. Even through the rigid nerve sensitive metallic exoskeleton covering his torso, he could still feel how soft and smooth her skin and tissues were.

Besides the solid bones and various cartilages underneath, human physiology was surprisingly… _flexible_. It bent, twisted, and slouched easily to take the strangest positions sometimes – as the young woman was all but curled on herself, and seemed to have absolutely no problem with that. Everything appeared to be falling into place naturally, tender skin and muscles flattening against his body to allow maximum surface contact, taking away nearly all of the space between them.

Smooth, rounded edges… Soft padding surrounding a fragile skeleton… Five delicate fingers with brittle nails on each end… Blunt teeth that could barely tear through flesh… Silky hair offering no significant protection…

And yet, he knew that Ashley would perfectly be able to summon just the right amount of grace, strength, speed, skill, and agility in order to allow her to hold her own against him in a hand to hand combat drills, and even make it look easy. Actually, he wouldn't be surprised if she ended up winning.

Not to mention her proficiency when it came to handling weapons. Virtually _any_ weapon. Pistols, rifles, grenade, knives… She was an incredibly skilled and precise sharpshooter that very seldom missed a target.

On and off the battlefield, Chief Williams was a force to be reckoned with. A single glare would send a krogan scurrying. She didn't submit, and she never yielded.

But Ash… She was all soft padding around the hard edges. She had a kindness and compassion that she carried through all of her actions. And if you were lucky enough to have made your way into her beautiful heart, Garrus knew that there was virtually nothing that she wouldn't be ready to give or sacrifice in order to ensure your well-being and protection.

The safety and happiness of her family and friends were her number one priority; and she would be willing to devote countless hours and resources in order to achieve that goal. Her deep loyalty to the Alliance stemmed from her ability to care deeply for each and every single member of her team.

Having finally reached his destination, Garrus sat down for a moment, laying Ashley across his lap while still supporting her upper back. He delicately brushed a loose strand of hair away from her closed lids with one if his talons, careful not to accidentally scratch the soft and rosy skin.

He'd never thought that humans looked particularly attractive but… _Spirits!_ This woman was simply beautiful. From the strange hair covering her body, to the delicate fingers, to her small and funny flexible ears and nose… And even to the added padding on her chest that humans called "breasts" (and for some reason they appeared to obsess about – males especially.) There was nothing about who Ashley was or her physical appearance that wasn't simply gorgeous to him.

He even surprised himself wondering how those "breasts" would feel under his palms if she ever came to trust him and be comfortable enough to let him touch and squeeze them.

He shook his head a little, inwardly laughing at himself. Who knew that gaining an appreciation of human anatomy could become an acquired taste?

Beyond being appreciative of Ashley's personality and looks, the fact remained that he liked her… A _lot_. In fact, he could hardly recall the last time that he'd liked anyone this much, if ever. And he knew that Ashley enjoyed spending time with him too, at least. Not to mention that she obviously felt comfortable enough around him to entirely relax, and allow herself to slumber peacefully in his embrace... and to even give him a kiss when prompted to (though he had the distinct impression that there was a story behind this that he should probably ask Shepard or Alenko about!)

Then again, he'd often witnessed her acting with just as much ease and affection towards the LT on various occasions… Unless she had a hidden crush on Kaidan?

_Spirits!_ Since when did he become so ridiculously nervous and insecure? And why was he suddenly so afraid of misreading her, and messing things up for them?

Perhaps because he knew that there had been so much going wrong for Ashley, lately, that he wanted something to go right, for once.

They had spoken about her family's past with the Alliance, and how it had affected both her father's military career and hers. And here he was, a turian – the very alien race that had forced General Williams to surrender on Shanxi – with some crazy hope that he may prove worthy enough for her to ever consider surrendering her heart to him.

While it may take a special kind of thickheaded to willingly march into a job where your family is blacklisted… Garrus was starting to wonder if it didn't take a special kind of thickheaded, too, to try to initiate a courtship with the granddaughter of General Williams despite their respective histories. Then again, he'd never really made a good turian. And humans were known to have a penchant for star-crossed romances, didn't they? So perhaps he had a chance after all…

Then again, good turian or not, he still had to hope that he could prove to be good enough a man to be worthy of her, and to treat her right. Or gain enough favor with her to be seen as a good and trusted friend, at the very least. When it really came down to it, he just wanted Ash to be happy.

Standing up and supporting her back with his upper arm, her head still resting in the crook of his neck, he successfully managed to grab as many clean covers and blankets as he possibly could from the shelves, and an extra pillow. He then stepped out of the laundry room and walked towards the cargo bay.

The Mako had a large and surprisingly comfortable bench seat in the back. As a matter of fact, this was the place that Garrus had elected to use to get some good shuteye most of the time. It was calm and quiet, away from all of the ship's action. And since people rarely entered the vehicle when not in operation, he was very rarely disturbed. Strong soundproofing, adequate ventilation _and_ heating system… Beyond its fire capacity, there were plenty of reasons to enjoy the Mako.

After a few attempts and managing to painfully bash his head against the inner frame of the main door, he successfully made his way inside without awakening Ashley, or dropping any of the bedding.

He wrapped her up tightly in the warm blankets, placing the pillow underneath her head – careful not to get a talon stuck in her hair and inadvertently pull at them. Then, he pressed a few more covers all around her body, taking extra care of providing adequate support to her back and knees – basically trying to create for her a comfortable and warm little nest so that she could sleep as peacefully as possible.

As he was about to stand up and leave in order to allow her some privacy to rest quietly, he felt something tug at the corner of his shirt.

"Stay…" Ash whispered sleepily. "Please… 'm tired of… care for… leaving…"

While her words were mumbled so low that he hardly could catch all of them, what Garrus did hear made his heart get stuck in his throat.

He now understood why she had gotten such a terrible night of sleep on the evening before, and why she had spend most of the day avoiding everyone.

She'd lost her whole squad on Eden Prime… And yesterday, they had come ridiculously close to losing both Shepard and Kaidan, too. And if they had, not only would she have been left to mourn the death of two of her closest and dearest friends, but there would have been some good chances that the Normandy's crew would quickly have been disbanded.

The ship and her pilot would have been reclaimed by the Alliance… Liara, Tali, Wrex and himself would have returned to pursuing their own interests… She might even have been forced to get another crappy assignment, away from the people she'd grown to care for over the last few months. There was so much that she had come close to losing…

"Shhh… It's okay Ash…" he soothed her, gently running his hand through her hair. "I'll stay here with you until morning comes… I won't leave you alone, I promise," he vowed, voice steady and reassuring, yet thick with emotion.

He watched her immediately relax and smile, turning her face towards the palm of his hand and nuzzling it a little bit for a few seconds. "Thanks," she breathed, and Garrus found himself smiling in return.

He got himself comfortable, settling down for the night, using the last remaining blankets to create his own makeshift bed on the floor. A few joints would probably be a little sore in the morning, but it'd still be worth it.

Since he wasn't feeling particularly sleepy, he opened the extranet browser of his omnitool. _What was the name that Kaidan had said again? Ah, yes._

_Tennyson._

He typed it in, struggling to get the right spelling a few times (until he had the bright idea of adding "human poetry" next to it,) and hit "search."

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the medbay, Dr. Chakwas had had the time to complete the physical examination of her two patients. Since Shepard and the Lieutenant's frostbite appeared to be fully healed, their PCA pumps indicated that neither of them had asked for any analgesic since coming back from their showers, and they both confirmed that they weren't in any significant pain beyond the light occasional itching and discomfort, she removed their I.V.s.

She still made Kaidan promise to contact her if his headache got worse, though. With his implant having been overheated, the stress, and the intense temperature variations they'd been subjected to, she was worried that it may lead to further complications over the next few days. He assured her that, besides a light throbbing sensation in his temples, and a slightly greater sensitivity to light, he was fine. For now, there were no other neurological disturbances to speak of – as far as he could tell anyway.

Besides, he was under the distinct impression that if his current condition ever deteriorated, and he tried to "tough it out," Shepard would probably become concerned and call for the doctor himself. So there really was nothing to worry about.

She then saw to it that Joker had closed _both_ the video and audio feed of the med bay, and specified that she would make sure that the door would remain locked from the outside until eight hundred the next morning. In case of an emergency, they would have no problem with getting out, but otherwise she would be the only one with the codes to get in, in case they needed assistance.

She also adjusted the settings of her omnitool so that it would set off the alarm and awaken her the minute that the monitor's readings noticed something abnormal – teasing them that a sudden increase in heart rate, blood pressure, or ventilation was not considered a medical emergency as long as it remained within safe, normal range. She pretend to ignore the fact that both men turned bright red and looked away from each other while she explained this to them.

Then, she bid them both good night, affectionately ruffling Kaidan's hair on her way out, much to his annoyance and Shepard's apparent amusement.

After she was gone, they stayed there, sitting side by side in silence for a few moments, Kaidan trying to wrap his mind around everything that had happened during the day.

First, they were alive.

Second, he was in love.

And apparently, now he had found himself in a romantic relationship – his first romantic relationship – with the full approval and support of the crew _and_ Wrex, no less. And though the mission was still dangerous and the future remained uncertain… As long as they lived, he knew that they wouldn't have to face it alone.

"This is surreal," he finally breathed; at first not even certain that he'd spoken the words out loud.

Shepard looked over at him after a moment, confirming that he had indeed spoken with the way one of his dark eyebrows had arched upwards questioningly. "Is that the painkillers talking, Alenko?" he asked, tone falsely serious despite the smirk turning the corner of his mouth.

He turned his gaze back towards the ceiling, exhaling evenly as he focused on one of the seams in the metal plating and the way it caught the minimal lighting in the room. "…Yeah. Yeah, I know what you mean."

"But… This – this is good, _right?_ " Kaidan inquired, old insecurities resurfacing, looking in Shepard's direction with a mix of hope and trepidation. Everything had happened so quickly that he couldn't help but feel that the last day's events had totally escaped their control… _his_ control. That a number of essential things in his life had suddenly already been decided for him, and that it would have been completely useless to fight against it.

Not that he would have wished to, if given the chance. He knew this was what he wanted… And he knew that Shepard did care for him perhaps just as much as he did… But it was one thing to slowly learn to come to terms with the way that they both felt about each other; and another thing entirely to suddenly very _publicly_ become… what? A couple? Is that what they were?

Could he start referring to Marco as his partner now? His boyfriend?

But what if things were moving too fast for him? What if Shepard felt that he was being pushed into something that he wasn't fully ready to embrace?

Shepard managed a slow half-smile in his direction. "It's good for me… so long as it's good for you?" he asked, before an awkward look suddenly crossed his face and he looked away. "Sorry, that sounded weird, didn't it?"

He rubbed a hand over his face, unable to keep from laughing at himself. "Have I mentioned that I'm really bad at this?"

Kaidan chuckled lightly. "Well, it's endearing…" he said with a small half smile.

He brought his headrest down again, and turned on his side to face him. "I'm good. Better than good, even, but I uh…" he sighed, trying to quell the still lingering fear in his heart. "…I just want to make sure that this is what you really want." He looked away a little nervously.

"I don't want you to feel like you're being pushed into a relationship too fast… Especially when you've had so many things more or less dumped right into your lap lately. I wouldn't want you to regret…" he trailed off quietly, eyes taking a faraway look.

"Hey," Shepard interrupted him, turning over to better face him and reaching over to trail a hand over the side of the other man's face. "This is what I want. Yeah, we've got a lot to deal with right now, and the universe isn't going to stop for us… but that doesn't mean we can't handle it. We'll take it slow. Sound good?"

Kaidan nodded slowly, finally meeting Shepard's gaze, a slightly vulnerable and melancholic look in his eyes. "Yeah. I'm- I'm sorry, I just… I guess I'm not used to people showing interest in me for… Well, _me_. You know?" He sighed, hating the fact that he was acting so insecure when Shepard had never done anything to suggest that he was having second thoughts, or that he was not worth his time.

Being appreciated for something more than his biotics, intelligence, or his skills was something a little new to him. And it scared him to realize just how much he needed that - that feeling of being loved and accepted for who he was; the quiet understanding and companionship…

And he knew that, for him, there would be no coming back. If he let himself surrender entirely to his feelings, he felt that he would become his, _always_. So he had to be sure. He needed Shepard to be sure.

Shepard leaned in a little closer, smoothing his hand back through Kaidan's hair, feeling the strands slipping through his fingers as he did so. "Well… we can get used to it together," he murmured, smiling slightly. "I like you for you, Kaidan, and there's no questioning that. Got it?"

"Yes sir," he answered a bit teasingly with a fond smile, finally allowing himself to relax while scooting closer and closing the distance between them. He delicately slipped a hand underneath Shepard's shirt, caressing the small of his back, and rested his forehead against his, noses touching. He closed his eyes and took a deep, calming breath.

"You are the best boyfriend, you know that?" he whispered with an amused smile, fully aware of how corny what he'd just said sounded, but not quite caring. After all, Marco wasn't the only one who was really bad at this. Might as well make it clear to him that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing either, and was perfectly okay with that.

"Well, I dunno about that," Shepard replied with a cheeky grin, before leaning in a bit to plant a soft kiss on Kaidan's lips before drawing back again. "I can't promise you roses and dinner, but if I save the galaxy for you can we call it even?"

This time Kaidan laughed. Just, _really_ laughed – an easy, warm, joyful, carefree kind of laugh. "Yeah, definitely the best," he stated, practically beaming at him. "On one condition, though - I get to help," he added, looking back at him suggestively. "Wouldn't want you to be forced to have all the fun on your own… That would be _bad_."

"Oh, I can think of a lot of ways you can _help_ me, Lieutenant," Shepard responded mischievously. "First things first, I think I could use a little morale booster," he added, before leaning in again and pressing his lips to Kaidan's in a firm kiss.

Said Lieutenant gladly returned the kiss, all too eager to comply. Coming up for air for barely a second, he managed to whisper a breathless "aye aye" before deciding that it was probably best to stop talking altogether, as he seriously doubted his ability to come up with anything coherent anyway. The warm body pushed against his was demanding his undivided attention, and slowly overpowering all of his senses. Deft fingers tangled in his hair, massaging the sensitive scalp underneath; sometimes grabbing and pulling a little as the kiss grew more passionate, but never daring to cross the threshold where pleasure became pain…

Soft, moist lips burned against his, and he felt almost desperate to taste them; he alternated between gently biting and playfully sucking at them… once in a while locking them with his own while their tongues played a curious game of hide and seek. They teased each other, only to give in moments later, Marco letting Kaidan set the pace as he gently massaged his tongue with his.

Strong hand pressed against his back, running up and down his spine and sending delightful shivers through his body as they kept their chests firmly pressed together. Even through the fabric of Shepard's shirt, Kaidan could still feel his boyfriend's – someone he'd only called _Commander_ a lifetime ago – heart beating wildly against his own, as if trying to follow the same rhythm.

And while his own hands were happily occupied with exploring the surface of his lover's back, neck, and occasionally stomach – just above his waistband – he soon found that the shirt was quickly becoming a nuisance. He remembered the sensation of Shepard's warm skin against his own – back when the close contact had meant the difference between life and death – and he now wanted to be able to experience it without the feeling of impending doom lurking just around the corner.

Wrapping his left arm around Shepard's waist and using his right one to get a good hold of his back, hand resting flat against his opposite shoulder blade, he managed to roll them both over so that he was now on top of him, his weight partially supported by his arms in order to avoid crushing him.

Kaidan's breath hitched and he let out a small involuntary moan in the other man's mouth as their growing erections accidently rubbed together, making him become painfully aware of just how amazing Marco's body felt against his own. It took every ounce of willpower and self-control he still had in order to stop himself from applying more pressure and grinding his hips in a back and forth motion.

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he nevertheless managed to withdraw from the kiss and sit up a little, straddling Shepard's thighs and hoping that the temporary interruption would soon pay off. Starting with his lover's lower belly, he slowly began caressing the full length of his well-defined stomach and muscular chest, idly running his thumbs against the edges of the scars as he did so, while lifting the offending piece of clothing out of the way until if finally got caught under his arms.

Pouting lightly, he threw Marco a pleading, hungry look, silently asking for his permission to remove the shirt, waiting for him to sit up a little and lift his arms above his head in order to allow him to do so. Shepard seemed to hesitate for a moment, an indiscernible emotion flashing in his eyes before it was suddenly gone and he was leaning up, helping Kaidan peel the shirt off of him until he could toss it somewhere. He was vaguely aware of it landing on Kaidan's vacated cot before their lips clashed again, hands none too eager to explore as they kissed.

Shepard couldn't stop the breathless moan that crawled past his lips as Kaidan's hands brushed over his stomach and chest, fingertips lightly playing across the map of scar tissue branding his torso. He hadn't realized just how sensitive his scars were until he could actually feel and enjoy the hands that touched them without his senses clouded by freezing cold and impending death.

The fact that he felt quite the opposite of how he had during their time in that cave was almost liberating – there was a heat growing beneath his skin like embers struggling to ignite, and that was enough to make him feel very much alive. He couldn't stop the breath that hitched in his throat at the thought, and he pulled Kaidan into another kiss he hoped was full of the passion, thankfulness, and love he wished he could properly express but didn't know how.

Kaidan closed his eyes and tried to take deep, calming breaths though his nose… While he lacked experience in terms of sharing something so deeply intimate with a partner, he wasn't exactly innocent, either. He was actually rather well acquainted with his own body, and loved to explore and experiment. But this… This was something else entirely. The sensations were vaguely familiar, and yet unlike anything he'd ever experienced before – like there was this great continuous flow of energy moving back and forth between their minds and bodies, keeping them solidly in tune with each other.

Every little sigh, every small smile against his mouth, every quiver, the slightest reaction that he got from Shepard as a result of his own actions managed to send strong signals that travelled right down to his very core, and threatened to overpower him. It was stronger than dark energy, and more addictive and intoxicating than red sand. How he'd ever managed to remotely function without it in the past was beyond him!

He wanted – he _needed_ this... this pure _connection_ between them… like he'd never wanted or needed anything else before. And if that kiss kept going on for much longer, he'd just…

Panting quietly, lips still slightly parted, Kaidan leaned back a little to take a look at his lover, hoping that the pause would give him just enough strength to regain control. Or enough control, at least, to avoid starting to…

Except he hadn't anticipated what staring down at Marco, lying there almost naked beneath his body, would do to him.

Marco's skin was flushed and covered with a light sheen of sweat, his own breathing just as erratic as his, chest quickly dropping and rising against his own as he tried to catch his breath. Kaidan watched with utter fascination as he slowly licked his lips, which now appeared a little redder than usual from all the kissing and playful biting, blissfully unaware of exactly what the simple gesture was doing to him… But it was his eyes – Marco's gorgeous grey eyes – that were now nearly black with desire, that proved to be his undoing.

"Beautiful…" Kaidan whispered to himself, tenderly running the back of his hand down the side of his lover's face, as a deep tremor ran through his whole body – his own eyes suddenly took on a vibrant shade of blue and began emitting a soft glow in the dimly lit med bay. Wisps of dark energy began to shift and swirl all around them, tickling the surface of their skin.

"Kaidan?" Marco began, voice laced with gentle concern. Not fear, though, as he showed absolutely no intention of moving away from him. If anything, Kaidan noticed that Shepard was now leaning a bit forward, as if trying to reach out to him and understand what was causing him to start glowing in such a way.

Here he was, losing control, his profound state of excitation causing the eezo nodules all along his nervous system to fire up, and it didn't appear to scare him… Marco wasn't scared _of_ him.

Kaidan let out a shaky sigh as he saw nothing but love, acceptance, and just a hint of worry reflected in those beautiful eyes.

"Kaidan, what are you…?" Marco started to ask again, but Kaidan simply leaned into him, burying his face in the crook of his neck, and held his lover's body delicately yet firmly against his.

"It's – it's okay… I'm fine… I uh… I just… I think I need to…"

Softly tightening his grip on Shepard's body and keeping his eyes closed, he began to instinctively move his hips against his lover's, slowly adding some pressure – not enough for it to become painful or uncomfortable. He could feel Marco growing hard through the fabric of his underwear, and his own erection responded in kind as they moved against one another.

He could feel and hear both their respiration and heartbeats quicken, the heat between their bodies becoming almost scorching - yet it seemed that his action had the desired effect, as the dark energy surrounding them slowly vanished, and he could feel his biotics powering down.

By maintaining his focus on the way that Shepard's body felt against his, and on the other sensations assaulting his own body, instead of trying to fight or contain them, he found that he was able to avoid triggering another biotic response from his nervous system - the growing tension slowly accumulating within his body having seemingly found another… _outlet_.

Gently kissing, biting, and sucking at the tender flesh of Shepard's neck and ear – while being still careful not to leave any mark – Kaidan kept moving his pelvis against the other man's at a steady pace, doing his best not to go too fast or push too hard for fear of making Marco feel like he was ravishing him. Now that he was back in control – or as much control as he could possibly be expected to muster under the circumstances, at least – he was determined to let Marco set up the pace in order to give him the chance to express what he wanted, or needed.

Shepard's fingernails dug a little deeper into the skin of Kaidan's shoulder blades – he was at least mindful not to scrape or cut, but he found his control slipping as Kaidan's hips slowly, steadily ground into his own. The fabric of their underwear slid against each other, creating a heavy friction that had him gasping as he buried his face in Kaidan's hair. His spine curved as he began to rock his hips against the other man's, pushing up to meet his downwards movements, silently encouraging him to move faster and bring the friction up a notch.

A soft moan that might have been Kaidan's name slipped past his lips, and he leaned in to kiss along whatever part of Kaidan's neck he could reach from his current position – his skin was beginning to bead with sweat and he could taste the salt on his lips, feel his breath hot and quick against his ear, feel his heart thrumming against his chest in time with his own. He clutched him tighter to stop his hands from trembling.

Encouraged by Shepard's response, Kaidan allowed his instincts to take over as his pace quickened. For a moment, he was brought back to the time when he'd first watched Shepard fight on the battlefield. The way he'd seen him move gracefully and without restraint… Raw, pure, powerful energy – untamed and so _free_ …

And now – now he couldn't help but feel like he was right there with him, riding waves after waves of dark energy – entirely unbound, totally surrendering to them, and it was the most liberating feeling in the world. All of the walls that had ever been held between them came crashing down as if Marco had charged right into them.

Actually, he might have thrown a strong push in there to help him bring them down, too, as he had no doubts that he was just as equally to blame for what was happening _. I love you… I need you... I want you… I..._

Kaidan could feel the pressure in his groin building as they moved together, having reached an almost frantic rhythm, and he knew that it wouldn't be long before he would no longer be able to contain it. "Marco…" he half whispered, half moaned, lost in ecstasy… his breathing shallow and impossibly quick… his whole body tensing and shaking as he tried to make the moment – this perfect, heavenly moment – last as long as he possibly could.

Bringing his lips back to Shepard's in a fervent kiss, he managed to bring forth the very last bit of self-control he'd so willingly given up only minutes ago. He wanted to make sure that Marco would meet him there, desperate to wait for his lover's own release before allowing himself to finally climax, and let go.

Shepard's fingers tangled in Kaidan's hair as he kissed him back, matching him with a ferocity he normally reserved only for the battlefield. Tongues and teeth scraping and biting and fighting, breaking only for seconds of air before lips were pressed together again with unbearable need and desire. He could feel Kaidan trembling against him as they moved together, and he was glad he wasn't the only one unable to keep from shaking. His breath shuddered in his lungs and the pleasure crawled through his system like the aftershocks of a biotic charge, arcing between nerve endings like a wildfire.

He felt his stomach muscles tighten and his back involuntarily arched up off the mattress, and he was glad Kaidan was kissing him because he wouldn't have been able to stop himself from crying out if he hadn't – he had hit his peak after the quick charge upwards, and like falling out of a biotic charge he could feel the flare of energy roll through him and he couldn't stop it even if he had wanted to. He was dimly aware of the familiar buzz skittering through his nervous system as he came, biotics crackling across his skin for a bare moment before they were gone and he was left gasping for breath.

The moment that Kaidan felt Marco lift himself off the mattress, he enfolded him in his arms and held him tight, as if trying to contain all the pure and striking energy burning at the very core of his lover's being. Wrapping himself around him like a protective blanket, oblivious to anything else but Shepard and the way that his body quivered and pulsed against his, Kaidan felt rather than saw his biotics coming to life, calling forth his own, sending something akin to a sharp electric charge throughout his whole body. One more thrust and he reached his own peak, locking his mouth with Shepard's in an effort to quiet them both, and then collapsed – still shaking – half on top of the other's man body, his right shoulder absorbing most of his weight.

Breathing heavily, mind still in a haze, limbs feeling pleasantly numb, he wrapped one leg around Shepard's and managed to roll over enough to snuggle up to his side. He gently rubbed his nose against his cheek, breathing in his scent and enjoying the softness of his skin… Marco's cheeks were so soft that – had his brain still been able to function properly – he'd most likely have been wondering if it was even possible for him to grow a beard.

He lazily caressed Shepard's stomach, fingers eventually coming into contact with the rapidly cooling moisture as they reached his lower belly. "You're all sticky." he whispered absentmindedly… Seconds before the senselessness of what he'd just said hit him, having the effect of instantly sobering him up.

_Really?! You just had the most mind blowing orgasm of your life, and that's the first thing you find to say?!_

He groaned and hid his face in the other man's neck, suddenly wishing that the mattress could just swallow him whole. "Please tell me I didn't just say that…" he moaned pitifully, mentally picturing a smirking Ashley asking him _"_ _That your 'professional' opinion, sir?"_

To his credit Shepard managed to keep himself from laughing, stifling the urge by turning his head and burying his face against Kaidan's hair for a moment as he tried to keep the grin off of his lips – the euphoria was still coursing through his veins, which made it all the more difficult to keep his emotions in check. He instead took a moment to stabilize, breathing in the scent of Kaidan's hair – a strong mix of fresh shampoo and sweat – before he finally spoke. "Would it make you feel any better if I told you that I don't have a point of reference to judge post-sex lines against?"

Kaidan chuckled a bit, but didn't raise his head from his hiding spot, as he didn't trust himself to be able to look back at him without blushing. "Much," he breathed, glad that Shepard seemed to be taking it so well, at least. "I'm not sure I would have been able to come up with a better alternative even if I'd tried anyway…" he admitted quietly. "Other than just, ' _wow,'_ you know?"

Shepard couldn't keep from laughing at that. "Yeah… yeah, me too." He exhaled softly, fingertips grazing down Kaidan's arm as he shifted into a slightly more comfortable position with the other man pillowed against his side. "So… um. Do your biotics always flare up like that when you… you know…?"

Kaidan sighed softly. "Well, yeah… I mean, beyond the type of implant, there are other reasons why some biotics end up being more powerful than others… Or some abilities are easier to learn than others," he began explaining, then smiled a bit to himself as he remembered who he was talking to, "But I suppose I don't really have to tell you that."

At least, he supposed it was somewhat common knowledge amongst biotics – it came with the territory of learning just what their powers were, where they came from, and how to control them. The number of eezo nodules attached to a biotic's nervous system, as well as their placement, tended to have a certain role in determining which types of skills that biotic would end up naturally developing, and/or the amount of power or control one could expect to have over them.

Those whose biotic abilities were triggered following secondary exposure, like Shepard, typically tended to have a greater quantity of nodules in their bodies, though some of them could end up being a little more atrophied from lack of earlier use – but not always.

Kaidan remembered that his parents had told him that he had been a good "subject" for the Alliance to study as a child, because his whole nervous system was pretty much filled with them, and some even formed a few dense clusters.

"It turns out that there are certain more sensitive neural pathways in the autonomous nervous system that are a bit trickier to avoid triggering than others… _Especially_ if you are 'lucky' enough to have a few eezo nodules 'conveniently' placed all along the pathways involved in the more advanced stages of physical arousal…" He trailed off, waiting for Shepard to process that.

Shepard's expression remained mostly neutral as he listened to Kaidan's explanation, seemingly turning the information over in his mind – he was unresponsive for a moment, before his eyes went wide as the realization suddenly hit him. "Oh. OH. I… I see," he managed to say, tone turning awkward. "I get the feeling this is something you've dealt with for a while, huh?"

A small laugh escaped Kaidan's lips. "You could say that…" He snuggled a little closer, resting his head on top of Shepard's chest.

"Puberty turned out to be a very interesting period for me…" he began, suddenly wondering if it hadn't been one of the reasons why he'd never been in such a rush to find a partner. "Thankfully, being a bit 'turned on' or 'seeing something I like' isn't enough to activate the biotics, but when things get a little more serious, I…" He sighed – well, considering how much he'd already told Shepard, he might as well give him the full story.

"It's much better than it used to be. If I can keep my focus and relax, I can usually manage to control it or even suppress it. Having an implant actually helps some." At least, it had made it easier for him to channel _how_ and _where_ the dark energy would manifest itself.

"Before that, I usually had to wait until my parents left the house, because I'd make objects fly and crash all over the place in my room… I accidentally threw my computer monitor against the wall once and shattered it. Also broke a window or two," he added with a little giggle. "Don't know if my parents ever suspected anything, or if they really bought all the excuses that I had to try and come up with."

"Oh, wow," Shepard managed to say, shoulders shaking with the effort it took to keep from laughing out loud. "And, uh, what excuses did you come up for those? 'Sorry mom, I sneezed and my monitor hit the wall'?"

"Well, if you want to call this 'sneezing'…" Kaidan said with a laugh, trying to keep himself from commenting on their current state of "stickiness" again. "But no, usually I tried to pretend that I had wanted to take nap, and ended up having some pretty intense dreams," he explained. "I mean, even if I'd told them what was really going on, it's not like they could have found anyone who would have known how to help. Urologists are more familiars with problems like 'erectile dysfunction,' 'urinary tract infections,' or 'bladder stones'… I can only imagine the expression on the doctor's face if my parents had come in saying ' _our son here is making objects fly across the bedroom when he's pleasuring himself… So, besides removing the furniture, or gluing everything to the tables, what do you suggest?_ '"

Shepard made a choking sound that might have been a suppressed laugh. "Okay, yeah, I see what you mean. Still… must've been hard learning how to control that kind of thing by yourself, especially at that age."

Kaidan shrugged. "I actually had to figure out a lot of things by myself…" he said, tightening his hold on Shepard a little, "…comes with the territory of being a 'freak,' I guess. Everything about you is always an unknown, so you sort of learn to stop worrying, and find ways to deal with whatever comes up next. No pun intended."

"Freak, huh?" Shepard repeated with a soft chuckle, palm brushing soothingly down the other man's back. "I don't think that's a good term for you. Talented… unique… powerful… amazing… great kisser," he murmured, a slight smile turning the corners of his lips, "…but not a freak."

A slightly self-conscious laugh managed to make its way pass Kaidan's lips. "You make it sound like I'm pretty spectacular," he teased, nevertheless grateful for the appreciation. He lifted his head off Shepard's chest long enough to plant a gentle kiss on the side of his jaw. "Besides, I don't really mind being a freak as long as I am _your_ freak."

"Well, at least you're with like company," Shepard replied with a slight smile, tilting his head down enough that he could press his lips to Kaidan's temple in a quick kiss. "We can be freaky together." He paused for a moment, before he closed his eyes with a wince. "Okay, that sounded a lot less dirty in my head."

"It's okay, I like dirty… And sticky." Kaidan giggled, not caring how immature he might have sounded. Okay, _yeah_ , he was totally hopeless. "Sorry, I think I'm still a bit giddy about the whole thing. Didn't get to have a lot of sleepovers when I was a boy, and probably have a lot of catching up to do," he explained, then frowned as he gave it some more thought. "Then again, I don't expect most sleepovers to exactly turn out that way… Unless there's something people forgot to tell me, and I've really been missing out."

Shepard snorted, biting back the urge to start laughing again. "God, imagine how awkward _that_ would be. My sleepovers back home always ended up with us getting chewed out by my mom because we stayed up until six in the morning playing videogames and raiding the fridge. I mean, yeah, someone usually lost their pants but it was because they fell asleep first."

"Wait. What?" Kaidan asked, raising his head from his resting place to look back at Marco quizzically.

Shepard snickered. "Well, we used to draw dicks on the loser's forehead in permanent marker but we had one too many scandalized moms after that. So we decided that whoever fell asleep first got their pants stolen. The best part was hiding them somewhere really weird and then making the loser try to find them."

That totally cracked Kaidan up, and threw him into a fit of laughter. "Wow. Well now that's… _interesting,_ " he finally said, having managed to catch his breath. "Hopefully you were all wearing underwear. You know, maybe it's a good thing that I never had sleepovers at my house, after all… I tend to fall asleep so easily that I'd probably have some kind of permanent red mark on my forehead from all the washing."

"You didn't have any at your house, huh?" Shepard repeated, unable to keep the curiosity out of his voice. "How come?"

"Biotic, remember?" Kaidan clarified with a small half-smile. "Would you really be comfortable sending your kids to someone's house if you thought that the other child could read their minds, or end up throwing them out the window?"

Shepard's expression dropped for a moment, and he felt a flare of guilt burn in the pit of his stomach. "Sorry, I… Being latent, it… uh… doesn't really give me a lot of perspective on the whole 'growing up with biotics' thing." He sighed, nuzzling into Kaidan's hair in a vague attempt at comfort. "For what it's worth, if I'd known you as a kid, I totally would have stolen your pants."

Kaidan chuckled lightly. "Thanks, Marco." He sighed contentedly, snuggling a bit closer to Shepard. "But I'm okay, really. On the bright side, it just means that you'll get to be my 'first' on a lot of things… And also my 'only' on others…" At least, he was hoping so.

"So, no pressure then," Shepard replied, laughing slightly. "I gotta admit, though – being an awkward virgin isn't as bad if you're not the only one."

His lover easily joined in the laugh. "Especially since technically, we still are, I think… Sort of…" He trailed off. "…Did I just manage to make it sound even more awkward?"

Shepard managed to stifle himself by biting his lip, though it proved difficult. "A little bit, yeah," he conceded with a barely restrained grin, giving Kaidan a comforting squeeze around the shoulders. "It's alright. I think it's cute."

" _Cute?_ " Kaidan asked in mock indignation. "Isn't that what every man is supposed to dread hearing from the one he wants to seduce?"

Shepard arched an eyebrow at him, grinning a bit. "What, you don't like it?"

Kaidan chuckled a little in response, softly nuzzling his neck. "I guess I have no sense of pride, because I do actually kind of like being called _cute_." He frowned, however, seemingly giving it some more thought. "Though… please keep it to yourself, 'cause that's exactly the kind of comment that could get out of hand with this crew pretty quickly. Joker, especially."

On instinct, he gave a quick glance towards the camera and exhaled a relieved breath when he saw the red light was still off. "Yeah, I really don't want to start hearing about how 'cute' my co-piloting skills are, or how 'cute' I look when I glow blue…"

Shepard couldn't keep from snickering. "On my honor, I will make sure Joker never hears me call you cute. Sound fair enough?"

"Much," Kaidan answered with a gentle smile. "Thanks Marco."

He began tracing slow patterns with his fingers on Shepard's chest, doing his best to keep alert despite the growing weariness that had begun settling in his body; the emotions and events of the day – and, well, recent "physical exertion" – having finally taken their toll. It wasn't long before he found himself yawning loudly, and could feel his limbs seemingly becoming heavier.

"I never thought I would ever say this, but I'm not really looking forward to leaving the med bay," he whispered a bit sleepily. Tomorrow morning, Dr. Chakwas would come back to proceed with one last physical examination, and would most likely clear them up for active duty. And this meant that he would go back to being Staff Lieutenant, Shepard to being Commander, both of them having to keep a professional attitude in order to adequately serve the needs of their crew.

While it was easy for him to accept that, it didn't mean that he couldn't wish for this moment to last longer. Especially since he didn't know how comfortable Shepard would be with the prospect of having a subordinate sharing his own quarters with him, and it was obviously not something that he felt comfortable asking from him, either.

Sure, he'd probably find the time to visit him in his cabin during off-duty hours, and they could always lock the door. But he didn't know when they would have another opportunity to spend a full night just like this, side by side, enjoying the comfort of each other's embrace. Now that he'd gotten a taste for the warmth and softness of Shepard's body, and how good such close, physical contact felt, he knew that he was going to really miss it.

Shepard sighed against Kaidan's hair, before leaning down enough to grab the edge of the sheets from where they'd been kicked to the foot of the gurney and pull them to cover their bodies. He settled back into position, arms wrapped around Kaidan, feeling the warmth of his skin against his own and listening to the sound of his breathing and the way his heartbeat thumped against his chest.

"Yeah… me either," Shepard murmured, eyes closing. "For what it's worth… If it helps, you're free to come to my cabin at any time, even if I'm not there. I want you to have a safe place." He couldn't stop the slight smile that turned his lips. "And I won't say no to the company when I _am_ there."

He didn't say it out loud, but he knew Kaidan would understand – his migraines didn't discriminate and were free to hit him at any time, no matter what responsibilities he had on his shoulders. And sometimes taking a hit of painkillers from Chakwas and trying to tough it out wasn't enough. Shepard had the great fortune of having a quiet cabin with dim lighting and a comfortable bed, and he was more than willing to share that with Kaidan. It was about the least he could do.

" _You're_ my safe place," Kaidan whispered quietly, while closing his eyes, too, his breathing slowing down a little though he was still doing his best to try to keep awake for a while longer.

"And thanks, I really appreciate it... Though I'm afraid it's going to be a little hard for me to return the favor while we're still on the ship. The largest place that would be considered mine would be my locker… Or my pants." A silly thought crossed his mind, and he figured that with everything that had already been said, he might as well go for it. "You're totally welcome to share my pants whenever you like, you know. Even while I'm still in them."

"I'll keep that in mind, Kaidan," Shepard replied, shoulders shaking with laughter. "Nice to know I have permission to get into your pants any time I want."

"Hmm-hmm…" Kaidan murmured, giving his assent. "And the offer to share my Vancouver apartment still stands, too."

Shepard sighed, trying to fight the exhaustion dragging at the corners of his mind and his body and ultimately failing. "I look forward to it," he managed to say, voice dropping off as he yawned softly.

"Good… 'cause… want y'… with me… home… 'arco…"

If he wasn't making much sense any longer, Kaidan didn't even have the presence of mind to notice. Said mind was now pleasantly drifting - surrounded by feelings of peace, warmth, safeness, and bliss… He gave a small satisfied noise and let the steady rhythm of Marco's heartbeat lull him into sleep, his breathing becoming deep, slow, and regular… his muscles completely relaxing, body almost melting against Shepard's, and a soft smile still lingering upon slightly parted lips.

Shepard managed an amused hum at Kaidan's expense, planting a soft kiss against his temple before leaning his head back against the pillow. He stared up at the dark ceiling of the med bay until his focus drifted and the sound of Kaidan breathing blurred into the thrum of the drive core and his eyes slipped closed. The last thing he remembered before sleep came to claim him was how warm Kaidan's skin felt against his own.

* * *

When Ashley awoke the next morning, the first thing she noticed was that, unlike most mornings, her feet weren't cold, her joints weren't a bit sore from sleeping on a hard bunk bed or sleeping pod, and her surroundings were surprisingly quiet.

"What the…" she began, sitting up a bit among an impressive number of covers all stacked up around her body – providing extra and surprisingly comfortable cushioning – as if someone had taken extra care to fill all the spaces between her natural curves and the mattress in order to offer maximum support.

But it was when her head almost made contact with the "roof," and she noticed that her "mattress" seemed to have a backrest, that Ashley finally understood where she was.

"Oh God…" she whispered, as the half-hazy events of the previous night began to replay in her mind – going to visit Marco and Kaidan in the medbay, falling asleep comfortably snuggled against a very warm LT after a bit of an emotional exchange...

Then, voices asking her to wake up, before being lifted from her comfy and warm spot, only to find herself nested against another very strong and heated – _turian_ – body. Commander Shepard ordering her to…

" _OH. GOD,_ " she repeated, letting herself fall face-forward into the covers.

' _Please tell me that I didn't kiss Garrus, begged him for a warm and cozy place to sleep, and then forced him to spend the whole night inside the Mako,'_ she thought, totally mortified. However, considering where she was, and the restful turian-made "nest" that she had been sleeping in, that seemed like the only logical conclusion.

She felt a slight jolt of panic, as she suddenly became afraid that Garrus would start acting uncomfortable in her presence, or worse, avoiding her. After all, the total lack of hesitation on her part when Shepard had ordered her to kiss him on the cheek, and the fact that she'd been so at ease with being held in his arms, might have tipped him off on the fact that she'd enjoyed the close contact perhaps just a _little_ too much.

As she straightened up a bit, her mind desperately trying to come up with a way to explain things to him that wouldn't end up with her only further embarrassing herself, Ashley noticed that there was something that appeared to be glowing right underneath the edge of her pillow…

Reaching for it, she delicately pulled out a small datapad, her heart hammering in her chest as she tried to anticipate what the message would read. Would Garrus be mad at her for the way that she had behaved? Had she compromised their friendship by acting so inappropriately?

As she began to read the familiar words, however, her eyes immediately lit up and all of her fears subsided, replaced by a mix of giddy delight and overwhelming relief. ' _Maybe being sleep-drunk and acting a little "inappropriately" every now and then isn't such a bad thing after all,'_ she thought with a small chuckle, beaming at the little object that she held in her hands.

" _But now when all was lost or seemed as lost-_  
Her stature more than mortal in the burst  
Of sunrise, her arm lifted, eyes on fire-  
Brake with a blast of trumpets from the gate,  
And, falling on them like a thunderbolt,  
She trampled some beneath her horses' heels,  
And some were whelmed with missiles of the wall,  
And some were pushed with lances from the rock,  
And part were drowned within the whirling brook:  
O miracle of noble womanhood!"

_Good morning, Ash,_

_This is probably not as warm as a biotic, or as comfortable as your bed, but I still hope that you had a good night sleep._

_I would have stayed longer and made sure that you had someone there with you when you woke up but… Well, I was starting to get really hungry. And since a hungry turian is a cranky turian, I thought that it might be better that I made sure to keep my usual sunny and charming disposition._

_When you wake up, take your time and leave the pillows and covers in the Mako. I'll take care of removing them when I come back to maintain the vehicle's weapons system later today._

_Meanwhile, I'll be in the mess if you need anything._

_Hoping to see you soon,_

_Garrus_

_P.S. I'll make sure to save you some levo-coffee. Alenko might just end up finishing it otherwise._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **_“I hold it true, whate’er befall; I feel it when I sorrow most; ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all,” is from “_ In Memoriam A.H.H. _”, and Garrus’ poem is from “_ The Princess _”, both by Tennyson._**


End file.
